Finally getting to this:

I wasn't sure if this was good enough to post when I first wrote it, but

the people at the refuge seemed to like it well enough. It's a bit darker
than most of my other work,

Oh, a musical. I hate musicals.

"Come in, the door's open."

I was not surprised to see Keitaro Urashima enter my room and
make his way over to my study table. It was half past twelve, and all
the other residents of Hinatasou were already asleep. If Keitaro's
previous nocturnal visits were any indication of how this one would
turn out, however, I would not be able to go to bed for a while yet.

Heh. That has so many conotations.

He had been visiting me regularly for the past few nights, looking for
someone to talk to in his hour of need. I waited a few seconds before
speaking, giving him time to gather his thoughts. I already knew what
the answer to my question would be, but I asked anyway. It had become
customary for the two of us to start our evening talks this way.

"Has Naru-Sempai come home yet?"

Hmm. Shinobu, perhaps?

Keitaro simply shook his head. There was none of his usual
energy in the action. His eyes, usually so vibrant, were completely
lifeless. It felt almost as if I had been transported back to that
time, so many years ago, when he had thought that Naru-Sempai had
rejected him in favor of Seta-san. I had thought that this side of
Keitaro was long dead, nothing but a faded memory. I was wrong, of
course. Beneath his facade of carefree living, Keitaro was still a
shy, insecure young man at heart.

Still a headcase. Evidentily Naru was never able to complete him that way. A
pity.

You >

I got up and pulled him towards the kotatsu Mutsumi had given
me last Christmas. It was the best place in my room for someone to sit
down comfortably, and Keitaro looked like he wouldn't be able to keep
standing for much longer. He followed limply behind me, and sat slowly
on the mat. I sat down on the other side, facing him. The expression on
his face was one of pure sadness.

pure saddness seems a bit simple. Might want to use something that would
invoke more powerful imagery, but nothing's coming to me, and it's not
really my forte.

It hurt to see him like this, a mere shell of the man he once
was.

Hot sex might cheer him up.

I wanted to comfort him, to hold him in my arms and tell him that

everything would turn out for the best. I wanted to hug him and kiss
him and tell him not to worry because I was still here, waiting for him
to love me.

Unable to move on with my own life, holding out for something that would
never come my way, all for this broken, weak, shell of a man, which he had
always been deep down inside...

What the hell was I doing, pissing my life away? "Get the hell out of here!
I'm going out to a bar, getting drunk, and getting laid!" I told  him as I
shoved him out the door and decided to get on with my life.

 I couldn't do any of those things, however. I was afraid.

Afraid that he would reject me. Afraid that he would tell me to get out
of his life and never come back. I couldn't handle it if he did that.

Heh. It always seems that way initially, and then you always do. Human
spirit is resilient.

"Don't worry, Sempai, I'm sure Naru-Sempai will be back before
you know it. She's always been quick to forgive in the past. It's just
that this time... you know... after what happened with Moto-"

Oh ho?

"You don't believe me, do you? You think I really _was_ having
an affair with Motoko, don't you?"

Shinobu: Which pisses me off since you could have been having an affair with
me.

I turned away from him. The fact of the matter was that he
was right. I really _did_ believe there was something going on between
him and Motoko. All this time, even as I listened to him talk about
how frustrating his search for Naru-Sempai was turning out to be, even
as I gave him kind words of comfort to keep him from falling apart,
there was always a part of me that believed he somehow deserved the
pain and suffering he was going through.

He does. He chose Naru, and knew she was tempermental. Too often people
think others will change their intrinsic personality for something as simple
as love. They might modify behaviors, but they don't really change.

I was angry at Keitaro. I was angry at Motoko. I was angry at
them both. Angry... and jealous. I couldn't accept the fact that Sempai
had chosen someone else over me when he wanted to take a mistress. It
was hard enough to accept that he would never love me as much as he did
Naru-Sempai, but to be denied even second-place? I was livid!

Yep. She needs laid bad, all right. :)

"That's okay, Shinobu-chan. You're partly right, anyway. I
wasn't being completely honest about what happened between Motoko and
myself that night.

Oops. Not the right thing to admit. Although it is amusing to see he is
still blind to Shinobu's feelings.

 I'm going to tell you what really happened, but

you mustn't tell anyone else about it. You're the only person I know
who could possibly understand. No one else must know. Do you promise
to keep it a secret if I tell you?"

Ohh. He's so unintentionally evil.

My heart skipped a beat at his words. I found myself nodding
before I could even get a chance to think things through. What really
happened between Sempai and Motoko that night? Why was Sempai so
determined to keep it a secret? A million possibilities raced through
my mind, but none of them even came close to what he revealed.

"Motoko tried to seduce me."

Motoko: Only to get to Naru. She's the real target of my affections. I was
going to have you try to work her up to a threeway, if you must know,
Kei-chan.

"She told me that she had something to show me in her room.
After we got there, she took off her top and tried to get me to have
sex with her. I resisted, of course, but she wouldn't take no for an
answer. She pulled out all the stops, even going so far as to try
taking me by force. I actually had to punch her to get away. The next
thing I know, she was crying, saying something about never finding
another guy who could appreciate her for what she was.

Keitaro: I told her she was probably right, and then the bitch hit me!

I don't know how to describe how I was feeling after he said
that. On one hand, I was angry at Motoko for doing what she did and
annoyed at Keitaro for lying to everyone. On the other hand, I was so
relieved to be sure that nothing happened between them. I couldn't
understand why Keitaro had kept it a secret, though. I'm sure Naru
would have forgiven him on the spot if she knew the truth.

Yes, but she would be (properly) angry with Moto, which was what Kei boy
wanted to avoid.

 >

"But it _is_ my fault!" he shouted. "Don't you see? I drove
Motoko to do what she did by not moving on with my life! I've been
married for years, but I still spend most of my free time here,
flirting with everyone. I just couldn't let go! I knew that Motoko
still had feelings for me, but I flirted with her anyway. I loved it!
It was like Naru's love just wasn't enough for me... I wanted more.

Well, at least he can admit it.

"After spending most of my life as a social outcast, the
attention that I got from everyone here was like an addictive drug to
me. I thought that I could just walk away from it after the wedding,
but I couldn't. That's why you can't blame Motoko for what she did.
She may have pulled the trigger, but I put the gun in her hands. The
whole thing was entirely my fault. If I had just moved on with my life
and left the rest of you girls alone, none of this would have happened.
I've been living in the past, and I've kept everyone there with me.
It's my fault, Shinobu. It's all my fault."

Well, they are willing accomplices as well.

I somehow found the courage to take Keitaro in my arms and
hug him tightly, cradling his head against my chest. Keitaro has
done so much for all of us at Hinatasou over the years, and for him to
think he was somehow causing as harm was just... wrong.

Heh. She's blind too.

We must have

made quite a sight, a young woman comforting a man many years her
senior. Words to give him comfort seemed to flow naturally from my
lips to his ears.

"It's not your fault, Keitaro. Each of us is responsible for
our own actions,

Okay. Maybe not.

and you can't take the blame whenever one of us makes

a choice that doesn't work out.

Well, if he's helping to make that choice more difficult, then he is.

As fate would have it, he attempted to step past me at the
same time I attempted to do the same to him, and the end result was
that we tripped on each other's legs, instinctively grabbing hold of
the nearest solid objects in an attempt to regain our balance. The
fact that those objects turned out to be each other, unfortunately,
meant that we only succeeded in pulling each other off our feet and
somehow landing on my bed.  He was lying on top of me and my skirt
was riding up to my waist. His thigh pressing onto my groin and his
right hand was firmly gripping my left breast. My eyes were tightly
closed, and when I opened them I found that our faces were lying
mere inches from each other.

Of course.

Upon realizing what had happened, Sempai immediately started
trying to get off of me. His left arm was pinned underneath my body,
though, so he was less than successful in his attempts. All he managed
to do was raise my blouse until my belly was exposed. I think he might
have been able to push it over my bra if he hadn't forgotten to let
go of my breast.

Heh. Typical.

For my part, I was completely unable to do much other than
squirm under him because he was moving too erratically. I tried to pull
him off of me so I could get some more leverage, but I made a slight
mistake in choosing which part of him to grab and I found myself
pulling his pants down to his knees. This of course made his already
clumsy movements even more so. We continued struggling in this manner
for a few more minutes until we had to stop because we were both out of
breath. Amazingly, we were still in the same position we were in when
we had initially fallen.

With less clothing on.

I'm still not sure what came over me, but I was suddenly filled
with an incredible urge to shut him up with a kiss. I normally would
have resisted it with all my might, but this time I just let it happen.
His lips felt soft and his breath felt warm as we shared the deepest,
most passionate kiss of my life.

Largely in part because it was the only one, but that's not important right
now.

He looked at me with sorrow in his eyes, and I immediately
knew that he could not give me what I wanted.

"Shinobu, you know I can't do that. Naru is-"

"Naru isn't here," I interrupted. "I know you can't love me
like you love her but, just this once, can't you stay with me? Can't
you love me, even if it's just for tonight?"

So he stayed.

And boy was I disappointed. I had held out all this time for someone that
was... dull, unimaginative, and small to boot. There was no passion on my
part for the sex. And afterwards, with all the tension and longing gone, I
could see Keitaro for what he was, an insecure dullard who craved female
attention like a drug. Oh, he had his good points too, but pining over this
for the majority of my life? I fear what had made me drawn to him was the
idea that I could never have him, then I idealized him to the point that he
became greater than other men, when he was as horribly flawed as the rest.
What a fool I was wasting my life this way. I threw him out and told him to
grow up.


DB: Well, I can dream, can't I? :)

I knew it couldn't last, of course. I was well aware that what
we were doing was little more than playing house. Soon, Naru would come
back. Sempai would explain what really happened

Ah, well, maybe not.

 and they would go back

to being the loving couple they usually were. However, in the darkness
of my room, with Keitaro's arms around me, it was easy to pretend that
we could stay like that forever. It was easy to believe that Keitaro
was mine and mine alone. It didn't seem inconceivable that Naru might
have gone for good, and I would be the one to comfort Sempai. Maybe I
wasn't his promised girl,

Heh. It wasn't the promise that held him. He just wanted a girl to love him.
Any would have done. It was a contest to see who got their first. :P

but we had gone to Todai with each other on

several occasions. People say that when two people who love each other
enter Todai together, they'll live happily ever after.

Keitaro: And if I get all the lovin I want from these girls, damn right I'll
make them happy. Big Pimpin' all the way.

DB: I can dream, can't I? :)

*****

Author's notes:

I would like to thank Chester, Tony Loco, and all the people at
the fanfiction refuge for all the help they've given me in writing
this fic.

This is a bit different from what I usually write, but I wanted
to do a somewhat serious fic for a change.

For all my glibness, it was a very good work and very serious. Flowed well,
and gave good insights into Shinobu's personality and desires and how the
world looked through her eyes. First person usually means less grammar
problems since by necessity you're going to make 'mistakes' since you're
speaking in the character's voice from beginning to end. You kept the POV
intact, and Shinobu was only privy to those thoughts in her mind. I liked
it. Very nice work.

 D.B. Sommer



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