I'll combine these into one:

Kenji Murasaki wrote:

##Better late than never, I suppose. But here it is, as promised. I'll
take this time out to mention two things:

1) Hotmail is something of a bitch when it comes to replying to mail
bigger than 30K.

2) One should not read a comedic Ranmafic while listening to Styx's
'Come Sail Away'. It does strange things to the mind.

Done. Don't have any Styx anyway. Am listening to Enigma: Cross of Changes.
Still have to get the last album they did.

earth from the land. The various creatures that made their home in the

sandy

wastes had long since learned to seek shelter from such powerful

sandstorms;

those that hadn't learned had become extinct.


##And everyone familiar with the first season of Ranma is groaning in
mirth, at this point. ^_^

% Yep. Wasn't sure how many would pick up on it.

Last chapter was a bit more serious, so here we'll emphasize more humor.

And

do remember, what happens within is done for humorous effect, not as some
kind of commentary on characters or their abilities.


AKANE: So that means that I really don't cook that terribly?
RANMA: He's an author, not a god.

Now that's just plain mean. Being god of the story, I could, but shall not.
On the bright side, nor will her food animate, or other such silliness.

Preface: What's happened before: Akane got her hands on a wish and used it
to wish her mother had never been in a car accident and was alive in the
present. Well, her mother wasn't in an accident, and is with them in the
present, there's only the slight complication that she was plucked out of
time at the ripe old age of seventeen...


RANMA: That's only old if you consider CLAMP's taste.

Eww. You're right. But Ewww.

Nabiki heard her mommy mumble something about having a spare at home so

she

could give one to the nurse if she had her heart set on it. "What's a
spare?" Nabiki asked.


KACHIKO: Dolls that Rei Ayanami keeps around should her daredevil
career fall unexpectedly short.

Heh

Her mommy stopped. "Well, fair is fair. What do you want? An apron like
Kasumi?"


NABIKI: Can I have an abortion? You always say you wanted one.

Hehehehehe. Now that is really evil.

As she did so, Nabiki noticed a small white line on the middle knuckle.

She

pointed to it with her free hand. "What's that?"


KACHIKO: A quaint reminder that it isn't polite to point, dear.
NABIKI: Eep.

Heh.

Nabiki turned a baleful gaze at the wall, in the direction that Akane's

room

lay. "You are not my mother," she snarled. And she would prove it to

herself

today.


## Prose is very solid here. Grammar is pretty seamless, despite what
my silly word processor is talking about.

I ignore some grammar rules, but at least I know I'm breaking them.

Strumming the strings of his instrument, Soun began playing a soft melody
that came easily to his hands. It was a tune he had played for his wife

when

they were still in the early romantic stages of their relationship. He

began

to sing the song with the volume that accompanied the words.

"I can't get no sat-is-fac-tion!"


RANMA: Words cannot convey the utter horror and outrage I'm feeling.
AKANE: So you're going to beat them?
RANMA: Until they can sing it on key, yes.

Heh. It is off key, as Kachi indicates later. Puncturing the eardrums would
relieve some of the pain, though.

friend's face. "Maybe she'll be more responsive to music in the evening.
Some folks just aren't morning people."


## Continued mistreatment of the Tendo patriarch: check.
I'd have tried some Jimmi Hendrix, myself, but I guess it's a
matter of preference. ^_^

Lyrics worked out.

"What are you two up to?" Akane asked suspiciously, glaring at the way

Ranma

was holding her mother's hand.


RANMA: She's gonna teach me some stuff she picked up from the Miroku
Ninja Clan. Says it will help me get better around girls.
AKANE: ... And you're naked because?
RANMA: All part of the training.

Heh. One would wonder if that could work on him...

Ranma laughed embarrassingly, causing Akane to roll her eyes exactly as

her

mother had earlier. The act was so transparent it caused her to wince. She
couldn't believe Ranma was gullible enough to fall for it. Ryouga,

perhaps,

but not Ranma. Yet her fianc� seemed to be eating up every word Kachiko
said. Part of Akane wanted to warn him, but another part made her remain
silent. As much as she wanted him to win, he had become cockier than usual
since that whole Saffron thing. Maybe being taken down a peg or two would

be

for the best in the long run. And besides, it was hard for Akane to root
against her mother.


KACHIKO: Don't give that 'I'll take it easy' stuff. Who do you think
I am, Akane?
AKANE: I will not hold it against you if her arms are broken, Ranma.

Heh.

For a moment, Ranma was surprised, despite the fact it was a chi attack,

the

punch felt barely stronger than a normal blow. It wouldn't come close to
doing more than making him back off for a moment.

And then Kachiko unleashed the second half of the attack.

NARRATOR: Destroying the eastern lands as a result.
RANMA: HEY! This was just supposed to be sparring!
KACHIKO: What? That was light sparring.
RANMA: For Goku, maybe.

Been watching Dead or Alive, eh? :)

##The fanboy in me is screaming obscenities, but I myself can't seem
to stop feeling sorry for Ranma. The poor little patsy. ^_^

He is a vicitm here. No doubt about that.

Xxxxxxxxxx

Akane's eyes bulged as she saw Kachiko's chi discharge directly into

Ranma's

mouth. For a moment, he bulged up like a balloon, then shrank down to

normal

proportions. Kachiko backed away, but held her no longer glowing fist

ready

to unleash another blow. Ranma stood motionless. A small trail of blue
wafted up from his mouth as began teetering back and forth. Then his eyes
rolled into the back of his head as he fell over.


## "A small trail of blue wafted up from his mouth as began..."
--should be--
"A small trail of blue wafted up from his mouth as he began..."

Right.

you out. But how was I to know that bull dyke, Yumi, would have a counter

to

my unstoppable attack? And it wasn't fair how she made me dress in a boy's
school uniform since I lost. And what's worse, everyone thought I looked
good as a boy. I hate perverted crossdressers." Kachiko sniffled slightly.


##... Indeed. ^_^;

And we find out why later.

Kachiko shrugged off the accusation. "If you can't overpower your

opponent,

you'd darn well better outsmart him, or you lose." Seeing Ranma was

starting

to fully rouse himself, Kachiko decided it would be best to leave, lest he
unreasonably lose his temper and do something she might regret later. She
exited the room without looking back.


## We've secretly replaced Kachiko Tendou with a disguised Lina Inverse.
Let's see if the audience notices the difference.

Nah. Lina can blow up mountains without resulting to subterfuge. :)

Akane shivered slightly. There were times when her mother reminded her of
Nabiki way too often.


KACHIKO: You mean the way I keep shoving things down people's throats?
RANMA: Wait, isn't that supposed to work in reverse?
AKANE/KACHIKO: Not if you want to keep breathing, no.

Heh. You should be a lemon author with that kind of dialogue.

Nabiki began snapping away. She couldn't believe her luck. Sometimes good
things did come to the truly deserving. It was about time something went

her

way, given how this intruder had managed to disrupt her life so easily.


##This is all going to blow up horribly in Nabiki's face, isn't it?
Or perhaps this is a bit of foreshadowing on a bigger piece of plot?

Nah. It works out well for Nabby. And it is a bigger piece of the plot.

The man tore the photo out of Nabiki's hands and managed a cyclopean glint
of evil at it. "Oh yes. That's the one. How did you get this?"


AKANE: Cyclops are evil?

cyclopean to indicate one eye.

Scandalized, Hinako turned a furious shade of red that made everyone
remotely near her back away. "How dare you compare me to male genitalia!
You're just jealous of my proportions because you're a little girl in
*every* sense of the word." Hinako crossed her arms under her ample bosom

to

accentuate the point.


AKANE: I'm glad this conversation is taking place on a mature, adult
level.

Heh. True, they are being rather childish.

Hinako brought up her coin. "Do you have anything else to say before I

drain

you so dry you won't have enough energy to want a man ever again?"


KACHIKO: Yeah. You really should give Anna Nicole Smith back her body.
I'm sure she misses it.
HINAKO: ... DIE.

Heh. Too American, but funny as hell.

Kachiko stared at him. "What the heck are you talking about? What standard
martial arts etiquette?"


AKANE: According to Dragonball, stutter stupidly and get beat around
by someone stronger than you.
RANMA: Exactly.

And dying a lot so people can bring you back to life.

time, and acted like you were trying to outsmart me by saying you weren't
going to use the technique when you were. Except you really didn't use the
same move. What you were supposed to do was try to trick me by saying you
weren't going to use the same technique, and then really use it, since I

had

a counter to it and had no intention of believing you in the first place,"
Ranma explained. "I mean you even gave it the same name. At least say
'Modified Roaring Thunderfist of Doom' or something."


RANMA: Waitaminute. You mumbled something about Iron Stomach
Being the counter to that technique.
KACHIKO: You mean you heard that?
RANMA: Yeah, I did. So why did it work against me when I have an
Iron Stomach?
KACHIKO: That's not possible...is it?
RANMA: Well, I have to, considering I have to eat Akane's slop all
The time-OMPH!
AKANE: Flattery will get you nowhere.

For all you know he might try that later. :)

"You're not going to stop until I say yes, are you?"

"Rematch," he repeated.


KACHIKO: Sex.
RANMA: I have to get to class now. *runs*
KACHIKO: Hah. That got him.

Heh. It would, too.

"Yes! I should have thought of that myself!" Kachiko released his hand and
bolted off.


## I swear I can hear the Benny Hill music in the background...
At this point, if you haven't already guessed it, I'm picking out small
threads here and there, but the chapter is overall pretty solid. The
most solid chapter thus far, I believe. I'll cut to the chase and
point out any further small nicks, then summarize.

No prob. I got it.

"Ha!" Kachiko cut him off. "I know you and your kind. I thought you might

be

different, but I see I was wrong, you pervert. You're exactly like every
other guy I met, and Yumi. You're just like every twisted manga artist out
there."

"What are you talking about?" Ranma asked.


KACHIKO: CLAMP, mostly. And Akamatsu.

More than that. Believe me, all of them are that way. :)

*SNIP*

Ranma cringed, he had to think fast, otherwise the rumors of him being

both

## "Ranma cringed, he had to think..."
--should be--
"Ranma cringed; he had to think..."
Or you could switch the comma for a period, whichever works better.

semi-colon I think.

And the start of the second message:

Haroka started to hand it to him when a bolt of ebony energy blasted him

in

the side. The force of the bolt hurled him down the alleyway, limp like a
broken doll. He struck the wall at the far end with a bonecrunching thud,
then slid down into a heap at the base, motionless.


## I think bone-crunching should have a dash inbetween.

Okay

ridiculously over-endowed, and grossly powerful female enforcers

monitoring

the halls. No security system that tried to trace a student's location the
moment they stepped on school property. Everything was all better. It was
like a tropical paradise compared to the gulag it was before. That the
students still insisted on grumbling about it made Kachiko realize just

how

much kids took for granted nowadays.


##The word processor is suggesting a dash between all-better, but I
don't trust it. Still, just food for thought. *shrug*

No. It is too words here.

*SNIP*

"I don't wear chest bindings so I don't think I can give you advice on
them," Akane said nervously.


## Should change that into Akane's action, and then dialogue, just to
keep the verb tenses from repeating.
--Example--
Akane looked at Ukyou nervously. "I don't wear chest bindings, so I
don't think I can give you advice on them.
Unless you're going for a specific effect, in which case feel free to
ignore me. ^_^

Hmm. Didn't parce wrong to me. Will look over again.

"Not in my lifetime," Yuka admitted.

Thoroughly bored, the two headed home.


## ... Damn. I wish I were bored.

When lots of things are happening around you? That would be bad, because
then nothing would excite you. :)

Special Thanks to
Chris Horton
Eternal Lost Lurker
Michael A. Chase
The Apprentice

I'll be sure to send each of them a case of strawberry-flavored
pocky.

I'm sure they'll appreciate the gesture.

As I said earlier, this was, so far, the most solid chapter, packed with
a good deal of humor and some healthy dose of foreshadowing.

Here and there. You probably picked up on most of the instances of it.

 The only

scene I'd say was a bit jarring on the second reading was Akane's
dialogue scene with Ukyou, but it wasn't an eyesore or anything. I'll
be sure to keep my eyes peeled for the next chapter, and I hope the
commentary helps.

Yep. It always helps. That I assure you.

On another note, Simon and Garfunkel is also something you shouldn't
listen to while reading Ranma fiction. Makes everything groovy. ^_^_V

Don't have anything by them, so no prob. :)

Thanks mucho for the C+C. It's apprecaited

D.B. Sommer



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