In a message dated 10/16/02 4:55:38 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
aerolbj@i-next.net writes:
Some great stuff. Please remember, all C&C are just my opinions, and I
wouldn't be motivated to offer them if I didn't really like this fic (now if
only my job let me have enough time to do all the C&C I *want* to do...)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A Princess of Mars
Hmm....Gee, that title seems familiar, somehow. I can't think of any
reason *why,* though.... (:)
A Dances Set to the Music of Time Vignette
by Elsa Bibat
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
There Is No Time Here:
Pluto being on vacation in Aruba...
I remember very few things, most of them only in
dreams.
Sug: ...things, and most of those only in dreams.
One of the things I remember is the fact that I do
not belong here. I am not of this place of sweeping desert
landscapes and alien vistas. But still there is a part of
me that tells me that I _do_ belong here. In a way.
Repition of "of" in the 2nd line. Sug: I am not this place, it's
sweeping desert landscapes or alien vistas.
I think there needs to be a comma after "But still". But that's just me.
I have been here a very long time. Time. That is a
strange concept. It seemed as if it were only yesterday I
Tense confusion. It sounds like the speaker is narrating in realtime, so
I think that "Seemed" should be "seems."
found myself trudging the red sands and rescuing Kar
Tharkas, my old green friend and companion.
After finishing whole 'fic: wasn't KT John Carter's companion? He's
either awfully old now, or this KT is a descendant/namesake.
"Red sands...Green friend...blue clovers...and PURPLE HORSESHOES!"
(Sorry -- Lucky Charms joke. It's a serial thing...)
Now, my banner flies over the city of Helium, and
It used to be over Hydrogen, but then the Hindenburg went down in flames,
and, well...
they call me Warmistress, inheritor of a title from the
legendary John Carter, a hero that had ruled here, once,
long ago.
I like the descriptive langueage, but that whole paragraph strikes me as
a run-on sentence. Sug:
Now my banner flies over the city of Helium, and I have inherited the
title first bestowed upon the legendary hero John Carter, who once ruled
these lands long, log ago: Warmistress.
My red and white banner flies across the cities of
Barsoom, even to the twin moons high above.
Her banner was flying in just the previous paragraph! Does it get
frequent flyer miles? (:) Seriously, though, maybe replace the banner line
in the previous paragraph with something like "Now I sit upon a throne in the
city of Helium, and...."
The red men honor me as their Queen. The green men
respect my courage and prowess. The black and the white
call me a Goddess. They all say that I brought with me a
second Golden Age.
This one works very nicely. But, that Golden Age: did she bring it with
her, or did she bring it *about*? I guess it depends on the tone you're
trying to strike here.
Yet, for all that, I am still unsatisfied.
One little planet, two tiny moons -- I want more! Somebody build me a
Dyson Sphere!
For I have memories that trouble me.
Not sure this works as a seperate line. Plus, there's a repetition of
"for" that might be better off gotten rid of.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and make a rather large suggestion here --
take or leave it, you're the author:
"Yet, for all that, I remain... troubled. There is little left here that
I have not already accomplished, but my memories are haunted by a sense of
something I have left undone."
I have dreams of learning the arts of war from a
woman in white and her one-armed husband. They taught
Okay, I'll bite: whozis?
me how to fly with acrobatic leaps and gravity-defying
gymnastics. My hands could shatter stone with a touch
[insert required Ryouga joke here]
and I can rearrange the flows of vital energy with but
a few choice strikes. They teach me the arts of the
sword, death-dealing strikes that combine poetry and
death.
I feel joy in those memories, of feeling the
pleasure of achievement and of the happiness in the
practice of it.
I'd drop the "of feeling" here, make it just: "I feel joy in those
memories, the pleasure of achievement and happiness in the practice of it."
Just scans better, to me.
I have other dreams, of friends and enemies. Of a
laughing madwoman in black facing off a hundred foemen
with just a pair of what seem to be guns, though they are
Ah, this would be the new Shadow we saw mumblemumble vignettes back, I
bet.
obviously not of Barsoomian make. Of stiff-looking men
in black, invaders, withering under fire summoned by a
Tommy Lee Jones: Sorry ma'am, but we at FBI Division Six do not wither
under fire. By the way, would you look into this little device here...?
Gatekeepers, right?
woman. Of women dressed as I am, though in different
colors, facing a horde of monsters. I dream of fire. I
dream of wind and lightning. I dream of earth shattered
and a deluge of waters. I dream of ice.
But one dream comes back again and again.
Hm. The other dreams *also* sound like they come back fairly often.
Maybe this line needs to be worded more strongly. Suggestion:
"But one dream always returns, without fail, and the others pale in
comparison."
I am on a field of ice and a princess in white and
Mmmmmaybe add a comma after "ice"? I'm not sure.
a prince in black are before me. All the others have gone
to their duties and I am the only one left. I had no duty
to go to, so I would stay with those whom my love and
loyalty rests the most.
Beautiful. But I'm not sure that last line is internally consistent.
Suggest: "...so I would stay beside those with whom my love and loyalty
rests the most." It's just that the "with" in the original version gets used
to describe where she's staying, and there needs to be another adverb of some
kind to describe "rests." If you get my drift -- Grammar isn't my strong
point.
The princess begs me to leave, for she and her love
were to face the mother of all this pain and sadness.
Nees just a bit more, I think -- something to connect their facing the
Mother of Pain with the *reason* that the princess is begging her to leave.
Why, with such a big battle in the offing, is the princess sending
reinforcements *away*?
I refuse. There is nowhere else to go. I have no
ancestral duty, no holy charge to keep, like all the others.
I only have them and I would stay by their side. The others
"Them" is a bit vague. It works okay (especially since this is
apparently a dream/flashback sequence), but it *might* work a bit better with
something like:
"I have only these two, now, and I would..."
have gone to the depths beneath the Ice or to the skies
filled with stars. There is no place for me among them, but
by the side of these two, my Princess and my Prince.
Oh. Well, maybe forget that last suggestion. But I've got a new one:
"I have no place but by the side..." Maybe it's just me, but it seems
stronger that way -- she has no place *at all,* except by their side.
Strikes me as being in-character for Rei, anyway.
They are off to face the architect of despair, the
queen of sorrows and the bringer of pain. The Mother of All
Tears is waiting for them in some place across that frozen
plain. I shout at her that I will not leave them, calling
the Princess a fool and an idiot. There is a tinge of
I'd consider reversing "Princess" and "her," here. Also, you capped
Princess here, but not in other places.
sadness and nostalgia in that voice, as if it were an oft
repeated ritual.
"that voice"? Maybe "my voice" instead?
I am greeted with silence and the Prince shakes his
head with a slight smile, looks at his wife and walks away,
leaving the two of us in private.
The Princess bows her head and her face is in shadow,
a crescent moon on the wane. For a moment, I could swear
that in place of eyes, she had galaxies swirling in those
blue orbs. But the moment is gone, and she looks at me
again, and in a voice that held echoes of eternity within
it.
Damn. I can SEE this. Almost perfect. Just one little nit: if the
galaxies are "in place of" he eyes, how can they be swirling "in those blue
orbs"? This is just a nit, though -- I could see just chalking it up to
poetic license.
"You are wrong. There are places where you are needed
much more. Where the Spirit of Defiance stands to shake its
fist against the uncaring heavens. All they need is a
champion. There are many to choose from but since time is
pressing, I will choose for you."
Places where she is *needed,* perhaps... but is there anywhere she
*needs* to be more? Poor Rei -- her duty and her heart are at odds, and
Usagi's gonna make her follow duty. Is that why Rei's memories are so dim?
To make the pain of being apart bearable until they can be together again?
With that she opens her hand and I see a light that
could blind the Sun and rival the stars.
"Say cheese!"
That is when I usually wake up.
These dreams are all I have for memories before I came
to this land of dreaming red sands. I cherish them in my
heart and take courage from them.
Sug: "...for memories of my life before I came..."
For I know that one day, a trumpet will sound and this
dream will be ended, as all dreams end. And I will lead the
tribes of red, green, black and white for a great battle of
liberation, to wake my friend and her beloved from her sleep.
Sug: "...from their sleep."
But as I wait for this day I can be only what I have
always been, always am and always will be. The title whispered
to me in my sleep.
A Princess of Mars.
Deja Thoris: Hey! That's MY title!
FFML: Cat fight! Cat fight! Woo woo!
Nabiki Tendo: Bets, place your bets, pool closes in one minute...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Author's Note:
Oh, c'mon, don't tell me you don't hear the title
'Princess of Mars' and don't automatically think two
things: ERB's classic Mars series and Rei Hino?
Would you believe me if I said no? Didn't think so.
Anyway, the idea has been around for a long time,
I just haven't gotten a reasonable reason for an ERB/SM
crossover... until now, of course.
I'm wondering how you're going to get Barsoom and "real" Mars into the
same universe. I've no doubt it'll be interesting.
I can suspend my disbelief at the Mars series better
than in the Tarzan series, which is probably why I favor
in keeping the Mars Mythos intact, while I cannibalize
Tarzan's history (well, I had to, since my outline had
Michiru be a Greystoke ^_^).
(gets vision of Michiru dressed like Tarzan. Gets nosebleed. Goes to
lie down for a while)
Anyway, as can be guessed this
is were Rei ended up during the Great Ice. All the other
Senshi have stuff to do during the Great Ice, either in
some pocket dimension, outer space or roaming the Lands
of Ice a la La Compagnie de Glacies. The only ones having
a rest are Serenity and Endymion mostly because of the
cataclysmic final battle.
"Dammit, Meatball Head! You've had a THOUSAND YEARS to sleep in, so why
the heck am I dragging you out of bed?!?"
"Because Mamo-chan's still in it?"
"......."
Expect three fics/pieces next week as I come back with
a vengeance! ^_^
BibatGirl: She's got two bats, a keyboard, and a 'net connection, and
she's not afraid to use 'em!
--
David McMillan, Imagineer at Large.
Chief Systems Analyst and Integration Engineer, Exotic Technologies Division,
<Censored> GmBh. Mecha and Weapons Design Specialist.
"Agent Mulder? My name is Neo. I believe I may be able to show you part of
the truth you've been searching for. I should warn you, however -- it's not
what you think."
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