(CONT FROM PREVIOUS)

xxxxxxxxx

Haroka Kiramitsu found herself becoming a statistic. She was just another
ordinary, simple country girl trying to make it in the big city, only to
find herself robbed at knife point in some dead end alley by an unshaven
thug that smelled of cheap wine and month old grime and dirt.

"Give me your purse," he snarled, hand shaking badly.

Haroka started to hand it to him when a bolt of ebony energy blasted him in
the side. The force of the bolt hurled him down the alleyway, limp like a
broken doll. He struck the wall at the far end with a bonecrunching thud,
then slid down into a heap at the base, motionless.


## I think bone-crunching should have a dash inbetween.


*SNIP*


But everything had changed. This Beach Bum Principal liked bright, vivid
colors and the whole school had an underlying tropical motif. Such an
environment made the atmosphere much more pleasant. Now school officials
didn't go about dressed in oppressive-looking military garb that seemed to
be the standard for most military regimes. There were no scantily clad,
ridiculously over-endowed, and grossly powerful female enforcers monitoring
the halls. No security system that tried to trace a student's location the
moment they stepped on school property. Everything was all better. It was
like a tropical paradise compared to the gulag it was before. That the
students still insisted on grumbling about it made Kachiko realize just how
much kids took for granted nowadays.


##The word processor is suggesting a dash between all-better, but I
don't trust it. Still, just food for thought. *shrug*


*SNIP*

"I don't wear chest bindings so I don't think I can give you advice on
them," Akane said nervously.


## Should change that into Akane's action, and then dialogue, just to
keep the verb tenses from repeating.
--Example--
Akane looked at Ukyou nervously. "I don't wear chest bindings, so I
don't think I can give you advice on them.
Unless you're going for a specific effect, in which case feel free to
ignore me. ^_^


"I mean your cousin. How do you put up with her?"

"Oh," Akane said, relieved, even if it meant the topic of conversation was
her mother. "It's easier than you think."

*SNIP*

xxxxxxxxxxx

Yuka and Sayuri were deep in conversation as they headed out past the front
gates of Furinkan. Lately, things had been hectic enough in Akane's life
that they left her to her own devices when it came to walking home.

Yuka said to her companion. "So let me get this straight. Ranma was caught
giving erotic lesbian action to Miss Hinako, Ukyou has been officially
accused by The CLAP of being a pervert, Akane tried to molest Sora in the
showers, Anno is trying his hand at a high school romance series, and Kachi
is a narcissist?"

"Yeah. I bet Anno does an episode all in stills and tries saying he's being
'artistic' instead of just plain lazy."

Yuka nodded in agreement. "Still, that thing about Kachi surprises me."

"Me too," Sayuri agreed. "I didn't have her pegged as a smoker."

"So pretty much of the same old same, huh?"

"Pretty much. You ever think anything different is going to happen around
here?"

"Not in my lifetime," Yuka admitted.

Thoroughly bored, the two headed home.


## ... Damn. I wish I were bored.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Since others have mentioned it, no, I didn't see Back to the Future II. The
time lost person delivery joke is a case of similar lines of thought, not
plaigerism.

Special Thanks to
Chris Horton
Eternal Lost Lurker
Michael A. Chase
The Apprentice

I'll be sure to send each of them a case of strawberry-flavored
pocky.

As I said earlier, this was, so far, the most solid chapter, packed with
a good deal of humor and some healthy dose of foreshadowing. The only
scene I'd say was a bit jarring on the second reading was Akane's
dialogue scene with Ukyou, but it wasn't an eyesore or anything. I'll
be sure to keep my eyes peeled for the next chapter, and I hope the
commentary helps.

On another note, Simon and Garfunkel is also something you shouldn't
listen to while reading Ranma fiction. Makes everything groovy. ^_^_V


- Kenji M. (nexuspost@hotmail.com)

Kenji's Nexus:
http://www.geocities.com/nexuslink

Random Plug:
http://www.megatokyo.com




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