Once again, mostly proofreading.

On Sun, 13 Oct 2002, Donald Lee Granberry wrote:

       Genma was right, of course. The poor little pika finally blundered to
within easy striking distance of the motionless Saotome and he gave it sharp
swat with his right forepaw. It never so much as squeaked before it died.

"gave it a sharp"?

mean she knows about my occasional lapses. She's takes a kind perverse pride

"She takes"

a bit larger than most panda and several of his anatomical features are

You need to change this to "pandas" or change all the others to "panda".

significantly different. For instance, the vestigial heel pads on his hind
feet are quite a bit larger than normal."
 
       "Vestigial heel-pads?" the reporter asked.
 
       "Unlike most _ursines_, pandas lack normal heel pads on their hind
feet. This characteristic makes their tracks unique and easily spotted in
the wild."

Heel pads or heel-pads? Pick one. (Hmmm, I sound all confrontational and
stuff. Not intended.)

       "I see," the reporter said, still not very enthused. She picked up
the scientists clipboard, then got excited. "Do all of them eat this much?

Lost an apostrophe in "scientist's".

Seventy kilograms of bamboo, five kilograms of daikon, two kilograms of
yams, three kilograms of carrots, six pika and two dozen goose eggs? Goose
eggs?"

What's a pika, anyway? Chu? ;-)

       The scientist shook her head. "Panda's, as other ursines are, are
actually omnivores. They adapted to eating bamboo because of their habitat."

Oh, wait, here's your lost apostrophe, hanging out in "Pandas".

Panda's adapted to eating bamboo because there was plenty of it available."

And his long-lost brother...

fiber through his system. Panda's need several gallons of fresh cold water
each and every day."

And their long-lost sister...

       "Why don't we go down to the coffee shop," the scientist added. "My
treat."

Wonder how many people will point to this and say, "Put in a question
mark."

I have to find the Master before he finds the Eye of Mefusutafuriisu. Soun

<Mephistopheles> No wonder I couldn't find my eye! Some Japanese guy stole
it!

I should have known that Soun's wife would have sold it instead of throwing
it into the sea as she promised. Nabiki takes after her so much it's scary.
She said she would ride out with her father on his fishing boat and throw it

This is just the teensiest bit clunky. The last she you reference is
Nabiki, so the natural assumption here is "Nabiki said she would ride 
out[...]" On the other hand, this is stream-of-consciousness stuff in
Genma's voice, so, like all dialogue, doesn't necessarily have to make
perfect grammatical sense. So, whatever works for you.

help that my Akane is such a hothead. He looked back over toward Ranma sat
in a folding chair, one hand covering his eyes. Come on, Ranma, Soun

"toward where Ranma" or perhaps "toward Ranma, who sat".

       Soun watched as Ranma slowly got to his feet and began walking, no,
stalking towards the dojo. He's got that Saotome scowl on his face, Soun

Stylistic choice, but I would "walking--no, stalking--towards". Oh, and it
should be "toward".

thought feeling more than a twinge of alarm in his chest. That's not good.

I would put a comma after "thought".

       Ranma walked on by, as Soun looked on in silence. Ryuu Kumon and
Ryouga Hibiki came and stood on either side of Soun and the three of them
watched in silence as Ranma slid the shoji of the dojo open and step inside.

You've changed tenses in the middle again. Needs to be "stepped".

       They are either going to have one major kiss and makeup party after
this is over, or they are going to finish what the typhoon started, Soun
thought. I wonder if I should try to warn the neighbors?

"Make up" in this usage is two words.

       Soun felt his eyebrows creep upwards in surprise at this. For as long

Adding an "s" on the end of words ending in "-ward" is a colloquial thing
(heck, I do it), but most properly it shouldn't be done.

       "Exactly what I said, Ranma," Ranko shouted back. "I'm running out of
time and you know it, baka!"

If she's shouting, shouldn't there be an exclamation point? Alternatively,
if this is meant to be one sentence with the speaking action in the
middle, you need a comma instead of a period.

       "Yeah, okay, but that don't mean you should...should be doin' this
kind of stuff?"

Why a question mark? A lot of the normal rules for grammar and punctuation
are discretionary for dialogue, but the question mark here just doesn't
make sense to me.

       "Because you're a girl, dammit!"
 
       "Am I, now? And was I girl whenever I got splashed three days ago, or
was I guy stuck in girl's body?"

This, while it has nothing wrong with it technically(and especially given
that it's dialogue), clunks on my ear. I'm sure you intended to write it
the way it appears; I just like a lot of articles, I guess.

       This was followed by a prolonged silence; until Akane said in a
surprisingly soft voice, "Sit down, Ranma. The three of us have to talk."

You shouldn't use a semicolon except to connect two sentences, and what
you've got here is a sentence and a prepositional phrase. I would probably
do, "[...]silence, not broken until Akane said, in[...]" (Although that
second comma is definitely a style thing.)

       Ranma's tone put Soun in mind of a sword leaving its scabbard.
   
Shortly thereafter, a meaty thud shook the entire dojo from its foundation
posts to the ridge of its roof. Several of the shingles rattled.

Is this one paragraph with a line inserted, or two paragraphs and you
forgot to indent one?

       "I thought you might have, Saotome," Ranko replied then giggled.

You need a comma between "replied" and "then".

better talk to Nabiki about having adoption paper's drawn up for Ranko just

At last, the Apostrophe family has found their dear father, thought lost
at sea all these years, but in actuality mistakenly stuck in a plural.

terrible apparition floated out into the yard. It had huge burning eyes and
fangs nearly a meter long. Its skin was a sickly glowing green color and it

My grammar teacher always told me that this sentence would indicate that
the eyes were nearly a meter long, too, and that a comma would solve that
problem. Personally, I think it looks fine the way it is.

had tentacles of bluish-black hair floating around its head and a snake-like
tongue that lashed the air as it spoke.

Oh, but you definitely have too many and's in that sentence. Especially
for not having any commas.

       "Anyone coming near this dojo dies!" the apparition howled, then it
simply winked out of existence and the shoji slammed shut again.

I would swap your comma for a semicolon, or maybe even a period.

       Soun Tendo, who had frozen himself into solid immobility at mid-step
when the apparition appeared, looked around and found himself standing alone
in the yard on one foot. Kumon and Hibiki had simply vanished. Thirty

"apparition appeared" is...Hmmm. It's not wrong, it's just...I'm not sure
what I'm getting at here. But that's what apparitions do, they appear.
Thus the term "apparition". Just a little clunky, maybe? I don't know.

       On side of the house opposite the dojo, Ryuu Kumon and Ryouga Hibiki
sat on the ground, leaning back against the wall. Both of them white as
sheets and having a hard time catching their breath.

Here's another case where I would to see some more articles("On the
side"), but I understand from reading other authors' works that not
everyone feels that way, especially in England(not that I think you're
from England; not nearly enough extraneous u's in your writing), so do as
you will.

Oh, and your second sentence isn't one.

       Ryouga shook his head no as he waved one hand to indicate the
negative. "That was Akane. She used her dad's demon's head attack."

Well, if he's shaking his head no, doesn't that tend to mean he's
indicating the negative?

       Pansuto Taro sat by a fire where he had camped on the bank of a
mountain river, roasting fish and waiting for his rice to finish cooking. He
wished he hadn't bothered with the rice.

Just a quick aside here, nothing at all to do with the story, just that I
finally figured out how it is that "pansuto" is supposed to mean
"pantyhose": It's like "terebi" or "no-to", and is probably written in
katakana. Or maybe I'm wrong and still stupid. Whatever. Sorry I'm wasting
your time babbling about inconsequentials.

Oh, and you left the u off of "Tarou".

touching it, but finally, his curiosity won out and he picked it up. It
proved to be a letter from Happosai and it read:

I would like "which read" rather than "and it read", but that's me.

had forced the old monster to change his name. He would love to watch as the
Saotome roasted the old man alive after his name got changed, but he could
not let them do anything too serious to the old man until then.

The way this reads is that Happosai is getting his name changed and then
they're killing him. Adding a comma after "alive" should alleviate this
problem.

partner cum prisoner, formerly the curator of the Tokyo Museum of Gemology

Isn't it usually something-cum-something? I don't know, I can't find any
rules about it, and it's not common enough for me to readily recall any
examples to back my feelings up.

and grinned evilly at the man as he took one of the sweet and bit into it.

"one of the sweet fish"?

       (You should be more respectful, Happosai, the course you have chosen
is most dangerous.)

Swap out the second comma for a semicolon or period.

last of the sweet fish. The former curator sagged into despair. Happosai

I would use "in" instead of "into", but heck, if the Police can do it, so
can you. 'course, they used "fall" and not "sagged". But anyway. Just a
suggestion.

       "I was going to let you have that yam," Happosai said as cut the rope

"as he cut" 

You know, the problem is that I hang out with some guys who "talk" like
this all the time in chat, leaving out pronouns and especially articles
left and right, and it drives me nuts but apparently they're acclimating
me, because I keep wondering if you've meant to leave these things out
when mostly you probably haven't.

lap, watching in stark terror as Akane used a perfect executed Demon's Head

"perfectly executed"

After a moment, she slid the shoji half way open again and looked outside.

"halfway" is one word.

stared down at Ranma. The fire in her eyes made him gulp. She walked, no,
strolled toward him in a way that took his breath. He had often tried to put

Again, here I would go with "walked--no, strolled--toward". Or if you
don't want to do that, at least put in a comma after "strolled".

       Akane smiled then knelt down beside Ranma.

I think I'm coming to the conclusion that I use a lot more commas than you
do, and I'm wondering if it's not just totally a style thing, but anyway,
I would put one after "smiled".

       Akane cut him off by kissing him full on the mouth, and it was not
little girl kiss, either. She meant it. After a couple of years, she let him

"not a little" or "no little"?

       "Now its your turn," Akane said as she slid her left hand behind
Ranko's head and pulled alter ego close.

For the benefit of those reading this who often make this mistake and
don't think of it as a mistake or just don't know the difference between
the two, "its" is a possessive pronoun, like "his" or "hers". "It's" is a
contraction of "it is" and is comparable to "he's" or "she's".

Sorry, I'll get off my lectern. Just one of my pet peeves, and not
directed at you, Don; I know this was just a typo.

       "I love you, Ranma Saotome," Akane said in a husky voice, "All two of
you, and I'll never let either of you go."

Should be a period after "voice", not a comma.

       "Well don't sit there like a bump on a log, Saotome," Ranko said.
"You're gonna hafta tell her the truth now. She already knows how I feel
about her."
 
       "You what?" Ranma asked sounding alarmed and annoyed. "What'd ya do
that for?"

The implication here is certainly that Ranko told her, but Ranma is
reacting as though it's expressed. Certainly with dialogue you can
generally do what you want, especially with someone whose language is
as coarse as Ranma's is supposed to be, but I do find it just a tad
confusing.

       "Oh, me!" Akane exclaimed, clapping both hands to her cheeks. "I
forgot all about that!"

"Oh, me!"? Um, I thought the others were being kind of silly complaining
about outdated phrases, but this, is, um...It kind of fit in CtCD when
Akane and onna-Ranma are having sex the first time, 'cause it really
sounds like the kind of thing one might say when they don't know what
they're saying, but...

Well, I shouldn't complain. It's just kind of quaint, I guess.

       "Who died and mad you boss?" Ranma asked sounding annoyed.

Conversely, if you put an extra e on the end of "mad", it could be really
funny. Like, "All right, now I'm made." Or "I'm gettin' made." (Man am I
in a weird mood tonight.)

Anyway, general commentary...Entertaining as usual, and an actual plot
emerges from what's been basically a character study so far. Also, 
whoo-hoo, sex! My favorite part.

However, and realizing it's a rough draft, it seemed a little...Hmmm. 
Choppy, maybe, is the word I'm looking for. I'm a little tired myself, so
maybe it's just that. Or maybe it's that I tend to write lots of long,
rambling sentences that aren't quite sure where they wanted to end, and
some of them could probably be two or three separate sentences but I'm
never really sure where to cut them off, and especially when a character
takes multiple actions all in a row, I'll have them run, then jump and
grab the ledge, then pull themselves up into a handstand before doing a
backflip into a standing position(anybody recognize that?); I've never
written any characters doing any such thing, but that's the sort of thing
I mean, where it could have been several shorter sentences, but the string
of shorter sentences feels wrong, but then the big long run-on sentence
is, well, a big long run-on sentence, much like this one. Anyway, we write
differently. And that's probably a good thing.



Eric "Stirge" Sturgeon



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