Jeffery Yang wrote:

.01. - Reiya



The clouds had obscured the moonlight, leaving the city beneath shrouded
with inky darkness. The buildings formed a jungle that reached high up
towards the skyline, an amalgam of concrete and metal. It was already

quite

ditch 'quite'. Make it certain here.

A faint shuffling marked the arrival of a lonely couple, their faces weary
as they trudged steadily down the sidewalk and towards the comforting
bright lights of a hotel up ahead. It was perhaps a mile or so away, but

to

them it seemed to be far more. He was supporting her with one arm, their
breaths coming raggedly from their chests, sending plumes of frost
spiralling in the air. They had been walking for hours: an unfortunate
side-effect of a badly-timed car problem. Just a little more, and they
would be able to rest for the night.

I doubt if it will be that easy in light of how this starts. :)

She nearly fell, her ankle finally giving way as her foot tripped over a
loose

'empty' would be better than 'loose' IMO

But she wasn't looking at him. Her eyes shifted to focus behind them, as
she raised her hand to point over his shoulder. The man blinked in mild
confusion before turning around to see what she was pointing at, and as he
did the shadow of something very large and fast swooped just out of his
peripheral vision. The rush of its passing raised goosebumps on his neck;
it was cold, very cold, and as he scrambled back to his feet, he realized
that it was right behind him.

Oops.

He turned around and came face-to-face with a shadow that seemed borne out
of the depths of Hell itself, a lumbering shape that was blurred and
indistinct, outlined in blackness even darker than the surrounding night.
Its pupiless eyes shone a piercing deep red that seemed to look directly
into his soul, and in that moment, he realized that he was too frightened
to move.

So he ran. :)

The thing raised a dark paw, its intent perfectly clear to them.

drop 'to them.' Unnecesary.

He gasped and coughed, twitching once before dropping back down to the
ground, writhing in pain and clutching at his middle. The woman screamed
again, raising her arms in futility to ward off the impending blow... a
blow that never came. A strange, sharp sound resounded through the air,
followed by the dulled impact of the monster's limb hitting the dusty
pavement.

Nice

She lowered her arms and saw the creature roaring in pain, its

massive arm severed cleanly at the shoulder. Blood was oozing from the
stump, pooling darkly beneath the light overhead.

Might want to mention the color of the blood.

The woman tried to form words, to articulate her utter disbelief at what
had just happened. It didn't work. She tried once more, and that was when
the figure turned around to face her. It was a young girl, her features
delicate but sharp, dressed in a blue long-sleeved jacket and a
neatly-pressed skirt. Every detail of her appearance burned itself into

the

woman's mind as she took in the sight. White socks, plain black sneakers.

A

bracelet around her right wrist, with an arrowhead-shaped crest pointing
away from her thumb. It wasn't until her third time looking that she
noticed the girl was holding a slender sword in that same hand, the blade
seemingly shining brightly with its own light.

An 'Angelblade' perhaps? :)

She had been wearing an apron/uniform at the time with the Book-Zilla logo
emblazoned in white across the breast, the fabric a deep blue and her own
shirt a similarly-shaded tone beneath to match. It was what she was

wearing

now, as she strode easily across the parking lot with her bike in tow. One
of the benefits of not having to worry about school was the peace of mind
it brought about. One of the drawbacks was not being able to really afford
anything she would have wanted a few years ago

Yeah. One ought to mention that.

Toji followed Reiya's glance as she looked past his shoulder towards the
young girl, who was still toying around with the certificates on the
counter. "She was worried too," he said quietly. "We heard about what
happened."

Quick way to establish confidants.

"That's not really the problem." Toji kept his eye on Minaki as she made
her way from the certificates over to the giftcards, noting her wide-eyed
exuberance as she riffled through the variety. "You aren't supposed to go
out by yourself, Reiya. You know that."

Oh?

Toji shrugged, watching Minaki go up to the counter with the latest issues
of Heart Heart Delight in her hands, her purse already opened. "I have a
test tomorrow... you know how it goes. Minaki should be fine, though."

"I'll be fine," Minaki said, nodding as she pushed the magazines towards
Reiya. "Could you give me a discount? Please?"

Heh

Her legs pumped steadily as she directed her bike down the darkened
streets, the lights overhead stopping short as she proceeded further into
the residential areas. For some reason the city officials had opted to
leave this part of town in the dark, perhaps from lack of funding.

Or perhaps they are run by demons and this was a hunting ground for them. :)

 As a

result, she had only the light of the moon to guide her towards Minaki's
house, which was located somewhere in the maze of turns and cul-de-sacs

she

was maneuvering through. Reiya never understood why Minaki's parents chose
to live in this part of town... the serenity during day and the
overwhelming darkness of night seemed a perfect contrast to everything the
girl stood for.

Because parents don't usually choose a house based on their daughter's
personality. :)

That voice, sweet and tinged with uncertainty. Reiya glanced up from the
"... nothing," Reiya muttered, her hand clenching once more. This time, no
light came forth. It never appeared when she needed it, only when it was
the most inconvenient for her.

That's the way of it.

The light and power formed into a woman, standing taller than Minaki
herself - a being of color, bearing proud wings whose feathers were a rich
purple. Her hair was a fiery red, flowing down her back wildly. She wore a
set of white bracers and greaves, each fringed with gold with a sapphire
gem set perfectly in the middle. Her form was enclosed within a deep navy
blue bodysuit, her upper half covered with a white breastplate that bore
sapphire upon the shoulderplates. She was majestic and radiant, the
aspiration of a young girl's dreams. Perhaps it was what Minaki wanted to
see herself as, or perhaps she was a messenger from God. Either way, Reiya
found herself speechless for the space of a few moments, her mind unable

to

comprehend what her eyes were seeing.

Not too shabby.

"Let's go. Mama and Papa said I couldn't be out too late, though... it's
almost time for tests." Minaki peered anxiously upwards at Reiya, as if
imploring her to wish all of the demons away for the night. Reiya simply
looked back and ruffled Minaki's hair affectionately, stepping slowly away
from the door. She could see Minaki's parents in the living room behind

the

screen door, waving and smiling at their daughter's guardian. It wasn't

the

first time she had been through this, yet it never failed to disturb her
each time. Her parents knew of Minaki's Guardian and abilities. They

looked

to Reiya as a protector and mentor, entrusting their daughter's life in

her

hands.

Well, it just means no conflict or need for secrecy on their end. Should
make things easier.

*When did I deserve such a responsibility?*

When seems an odd way to phrase it. "What did I do to deserve...' might be
better.

 she wondered to herself,

smiling slowly in return before turning around the little bend in the
walkway to face the garage door. She pulled it upwards, hiking it open as
the springs creaked laboriously, waiting as Minaki readied her own bike.
*I'm in the same situation she's in.*

"Reiya? What are you thinking?" came Minaki's voice from the garage. She
had always been able to sense when Reiya wasn't feeling herself ever since
they came to know each other; it was something that hedged the line

between

luck

luck? more like empathy

and Guardian ability. Reiya was still not sure which it was, finding

it to be both irritating and relieving at the same time. At least

*someone*

was able to tell. Toji still was not, but he was nowhere as far along as
Minaki seemed to be, or as generally sensitive...

"Nothing important," Reiya answered, lifting her bike up as Minaki came

out

wearing a pink helmet, elbowpads, and kneepads over her normal schoolgirl
outfit.

Heh. Cute

The two of them made their way out towards a part of the city that was
still under development, the sidewalks littered with tattered posters
requesting that the passerbys excuse the dust. Grimy tarp flapped lazily

in

a cool night breeze, managing to hide only the first floor of a skyscraper
in construction

under construction

 > "Uh huh." Minaki smoothed out the front of her skirt and jumped up and

forwards,

forward,

There was a wicked crunching sound from above. Reiya narrowly managed to
move aside just as Kalciane came tumbling out from nowhere, barely

stopping

her fall with one hand grasping powerfully onto the girder. The metal
shrieked and curved beneath her grip. Reiya peered downwards - they were

at

least six stories above ground now - before leaping upwards to meet the
demon above herself. Somehow, things did not feel right... the demons
before were not this powerful, especially against the likes of Kalciane.

It's a level boss. :)

With a curdling roar, the demon jerked its massive arm around, flinging

her

away and into a beam. Reiya gasped sharply with impact,

That seems a bit dull. Might want to spice up the impact a bit.

The demon intercepted the flurry of punches and kicks that the angel
delivered, deflecting them with a skill that seemed very eerily

drop 'very'

And indeed, the demon seemed to have little problem in holding off
Kalciane's blows. It suddenly ducked as she went for a high roundhouse,

one

claw wrapping around her leg. The demon shifted, bringing its other arm
around to lift the angel bodily upwards, and threw her towards one of the
vertical beams. Kalciane managed to flip herself around in mid-flight,
using one leg to push against the beam and propel herself back at the
demon, her fist outstretched. But it was already too late.

drop this 'already' since you use one just before.

"Minaki, get down!" Reiya screamed as the monster unleashed another

attack,

swinging its good arm in a wide, powerful arc. Trails of crimson light

tore

through the air, missing them by bare inches. Seconds later, the girders
began to creak and moan ominously as the top floors of the unfinished
building began to fall apart, sliced clean through by the demon's blow.

Oops. The disadvantages to fighting on an incomplete structure.

She quickly leapt upwards to meet the incoming rush, darting deftly back
and forth between the collapsing girders, lifting Setsuna upwards to cut
apart the ones she couldn't avoid. Her blade sang along the surface of the
metal, flashing through the air with deadly precision. Both Minaki and the
demon were lost in the crush. Reiya was confident that Minaki would be

able

to find her way out of it - an attack of that caliber was something that
had taken them both by surprise - but as for the demon, she could only

hope

that its own rage had finally been its undoing.

Nah. That would be way too uneasy.

the emerging moon. Reiya let out a soft, resigned gasp; she had not
anticipated or sensed it at all, and by the time she realized what was
happening the demon was already on its way downwards, the claws on its

feet

extended to cut her to ribbons with a single pass. She desperately raised
Setsuna to ward off the blow, knowing that it was already too late.

A blinding ray of azure light pierced the air right next to her ear,

Toji saving the day, no doubt.

*Let me silence you,* Reiya murmured to herself mentally, bracing Setsuna
in both hands as she leapt upwards, focusing her will and her strength

into

the shining blade. She brought it out and around as she approached the
demon, the sword glowing a deep red for the brief moment that it was in
contact with its flesh. Then she was past, landing on the remnants of the
elevator platform. The demon twitched in midair before sliding apart in

two

halves, melting into nothingness without touching the ground.

Not too shabby.

_____


As it turned out, their bikes were perfectly fine and dusty. The two of
them wasted no time in speeding back the way they came, a little bit

faster

than usual. It wasn't the first time that they had caused property damage
during a mission, but this time things had gone a bit too far; Reiya was
not sure if Hosts and Guardians were common knowledge or not, but the
general consensus seemed to indicate that the public had no knowledge of
what either were.

public was unaware of their existance. (Already use the 'knowledge' bit
earlier in the sentence.

She glanced down at Minaki, who was using one of the towels to brush as
much grime off of

can drop 'of'

They moved silently down the hallways, eventually ending up in the

kitchen.

Minaki opened the fridge

refriderator (might be off on the spelling, but spell out the full name)

"Kind of sort of. This was the first time I had to use the Angel

Pianissimo

in a long time."

Reiya blinked. "'Angel Pianissimo?'"

"It's the name of that attack I used!" Minaki suddenly said brightly,
forgetting about remaining quiet for just a brief moment. "It's an arrow
attack. It's really cool! I taught it to Kalciane myself, and it saved you
just in the nick of time."

Hmm. So they can teach their Guardians new attacks. Interesting.

Reiya exhaled slowly, trying to steady her quickening heartbeat. What was
Minaki doing? Was she really this frightened from the mission? She placed
her hand gently on top of the girl's head, stroking as comfortingly as she
could, her awkwardness lingering in the silence. Comfort and reassurance
had never been Reiya's strong points; having lived much of her life by
herself, she found strength in herself instead of others.

strength from within instead (already used 'herself' a few words ago.)

"What are you talking about?" she said gently after a long moment. "You

did

great. Much better than I did - "

"If I hadn't tried to push so hard I wouldn't have gotten Kalciane hurt,"
Minaki said, stumbling over her words slightly. She was visibly trembling,
making Reiya more uncomfortable by the second. Gingerly, she lowered one
hand to stroke Minaki's back, which only caused her to tighten her grip.

Heh. I see someone's got the hots for someone else. :)

That must have been it. Content with that notion, Reiya decided to put the
matter to rest; she would undoubtedly see the girl again before the week
was over, and by then she would undoubtedly

drop 'undoubtably' unless the redundncy was intentional.

The journey home was uneventful. She lived beneath one of the staircases

in

an apartment complex located at the end of a cul-de-sac.

Ah. Harry Potter lifestyle, I see. ^_^

 It was not an

apartment, and technically speaking it was barely even a room. Reiya

wasn't

often at home, and as such she didn't see a need for anything particularly
fancy or large.

Doesn't have much space, so I wouldn't imagine she would have anything
large.

It was about that time when she had first discovered her powers. More than
anything else, they frightened and terrified her to no end. She didn't

want

anyone finding out about them - Minaki knowing was already too much. She
thought she could run away and hide from everything, herself most of all.
If she denied the existence of that warm light coming from her hand,
perhaps it would disappear and leave her alone. But it was not to be.

Reiya

was alone, all alone in the world with no one to care for her anymore. She
had been close to her parents, despite there being a calendar in her old
room with the days marked off until she was to go to college.

Heh. That says something about anticipation.

And they were no more... in

I'd drop the ellipses and make it two sentences.

Reiya reached out to unlock the door, having chained her bike on the
stairway railing (the nice elderly couple who lived in the room above her
didn't mind at all).

Not sure if you need to throw in that aside.

The interior was just a bit smaller than Minaki's

room, not much more than a glorified storage shed.

Under a stair, I would not expect much more.

 The floor was covered

with thick rugs of all kinds, with smooth

think you can drop the second 'with'

a

few pages filled with elegant cursive sat on top, rustling in the breeze
coming from a square-shaped fan poised atop a stool. Her bed rested
directly to her right as she stepped in, comprised of two old mattresses
piled atop each other. A halogen lamp - one of the sections had been
removed to accomodate the low ceiling - flooded the interior with
piercingly bright light.

Yeah. It would

She collapsed on the bed, which was littered with clothes and a few towels
(she used the bathroom upstairs in the daytime). Instead of the thinking
she had decided to do, she found herself rapidly falling asleep. The
mission *had* left her far more exhausted than she thought; at least
tomorrow would be a day off from her normal job. Reiya blinked wearily,
reaching over to switch the lamp to a lower degree of brightness, swinging
her legs over the edge of her makeshift bed. She pulled her sneakers off
without untying them, stripping the socks off her feet and pushing

pushed

 the

crumpled white balls of fabric into a pseudo-hamper next to the desk.

*Wonder what Toji will think of all this?* she thought, stretching out on
the bed, feeling her hands and feet touch cold, clammy cement. She closed
her eyes and was asleep almost immediately, the crickets being the only
accompaniment to the soft sounds of her breathing.

She had crickets in the room? I wouldn't think with it being under the stair
she has a window.

_____


She found Toji after school the next day waiting for her outside the doors
leading to the main building of the campus grounds.

Obviously he was stalking her. :)

"Hey," he muttered, shoving the papers into his backpack and moving away
from the wall. "I heard about what happened last night. You all right?"

Reiya laughed softly, patting him on the shoulder. "Yes. I'm fine, Toji. I
had help this time, remember?"

Luckily.

he had asked that, considering that he should've known the answer.

He nodded in return and quickly shifted around so that he was just

slightly

behind her. "Let's go get your bike first."

"Huh? Why?" Reiya asked, not exactly sure what exactly was going on here.

Drop 'here'

Toji didn't answer at first, skirting around the rows of cars as he
half-nudged, half-tugged her towards

toward (more stylistic than it being wrong)

"Why not?"

Toji looked earnestly at her, their eyes meeting. "Because it makes me
uncomfortable."

Toji: I get a woody when I use my Guardian, and it doesn't go down until I
put it back.

Reiya smiled cautiously in return, hesitating for a moment. "All right...
we won't talk about it then. Um... did you want to go to dinner or
something? Before we go on the mission, that is."

Heh. I wonder if that will qualify as being hit upon.

Without another word, he hastily stepped outside and was gone, leaving her
alone within. Reiya sighed softly to herself, frowning at first - how

could

he just turn her offer down so easily?

He's gay or thinks you're ugly. :)

 - before smiling wistfully at the

It was almost dark when they met again, the world painted in deep hues of
purple and black that marked the time before nightfall. The library was
located a few blocks away from the school, convenient for both students

and

their parents. It closed at seven, so by the time Toji showed up the
parkling lot was almost completely empty.

Blech! 'almost completely' is a bad mix of words. Leave off 'completely'

 Reiya was already there,
nibbling

on half of a roast beef sandwich and sitting on the edge of one of the
planters. She was reading a book as well, propping it up in her other hand
and looking quite captivated for all he could tell. As he drew close, she
stuck a folded sheet of scrap paper between the pages - a makeshift
bookmark

Not sure if we need to be told that.

- and closed the novel, smiling up at him.

"You're late," she said cheerfully, working on the last bits of her

sandwich.

"I had to eat," he said a bit sourly, trying to peer at the cover of the
book. Reiya moved it out of the way coyly, blocking it from his view.
"Unlike you I

you, I

Reiya snorted and finished off the last of her sandwich, deliberately
taking as long as possible, exaggerating every aspect of the act. She
tucked the book into the inside pocket of her blue jacket and hopped off
the planter, strolling casually towards the steps that led down to the
sidewalk below. "It's all right," she finally said. "I know you didn't."

Reiya: But I'm still going to heap shit on you for the crack.

But whatever she was thinking of was apparently not what he had thought it
to be. Her eyes narrowed and she lifted her free right hand - the one with
the bracelet on it - in a distinctive gesture. Toji knew immediately what
she was doing, and in an instant he felt it as well. He cursed under his
breath for not realizing sooner: the air around the library was tense with
the energy patterns of a demon, and being as absorbed in other matters as
he was, he had not sensed it.

Hmm. Sounds like the demons are seeking them out.

He looked around briefly for water, any form of it - and came up with a
little more than nothing. There was a shallow puddle formed by a leaking
pipe against the far wall, but that was more or less it.

'more or less'? Make it more definitive

"Heh. Nice!" came a voice from somewhere in the tree.

Reiya froze. *A human voice? What the hell?*

Oops. bad.

lucky, 'cause you're about to be defeated by a legend!"

Interesting work. it got me interested. Prose flowed well for the most part,
though you were throwing in quite a few parenthesis in there. But a good way
to start things off, getting abilities, motives, and characters brought into
view and explained.

D.B. Sommer

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