------ Forwarded Message
From: production <production@customercareonhold.com>
Date: Mon, 14 Oct 2002 18:45:32 -0500
To: <Zorknot42@aol.com>
Subject: Re: [FFML] Re: [C&C][fanfic][Ranma]Divided I Stand: Chapter 7 Rev 0
I don't mind that you don't agree with me. If everyone agreed with everyone
we'd probably all end up dead from drinking Kool-aid or trying to leave on
the next comet out of reality. So please understand that I am responding
because I happen to like arguing, and not for any personal reasons.
[Zorknot, I am replying to you from work. Please do not respond to this
address. Use "noharness@mac.com" instead, if you would, please.]
Okay, I'll think about this one. I've been trying to keep _Divided I Stand_
short, having run on for so long with _Comes the Cold Dragon_.
Somehow, I doubt that you are going to be able to keep DIS short. If you
wanted to do that, you probably ought to have stuck with the Typhoon and not
gone into this more epic storyline.
[Uh, say, you got anymore cheerful prognostications you wanna make before I
get carried away with this one? I really am going to try to keep this one
down to fifty-percent or less of _Comes the Cold Dragon_.]
1) This is a scientist speaking, so her wording is very precise. She said
"extant" and she meant "extant".
Okay this was selective blindness on my part. I'm not familiar with this
usage of the word extant. I would use prevalent or something. But this just
shows my ignorance.
[Well, the truth is, I probably spend way more time reading that kind of
stuff than most other folks, so it did not strike me as being the least bit
unusual. However, the jargon I had the character use, really is the kind of
jargon used by people in the field.]
2) What conclusion would you reach upon observing a panda with these
abilities and having no knowledge of Genma or Jusenkyou? In other words,
what would you adopt as a working hypothesis to explain his abilities and
behavior?
{Gets off high horse after realizing he has been riding it backwards} Okay I
suppose a different species would work as an acting hypothesis. Sometimes I
swear someone must be slipping me drugs without my knowing. Still, I would be
a little more unsure of the hypothesis than the scientist seems to be. She
might be trying to impress the reporter to get funding or something, but I
can't know this, as her actions and appearance aren't described much.
[I'll work on it some more. I think this can be cleared up with a minor
change in wording. I asked because there is always the chance that someone
else's imagination might come up with something slicker than mine did.
However, this seemed the most obvious hypothesis, especially when I went to
the trouble to talk about Panda-teki Genma's heel pad.]
Maybe you could trim the panda lecture down a bit?
Nope. It's here for a reason
Hopefully the reason isn't just to educate the reader to the wonderful world
of Panda biology. As interesting as it might be, the format makes it a little
tedious. You really don't even have to mention the reporter and scientist
(unless they become characters later on) You could just do something like...
[It really is here for a reason. It really is.]
"Genma watched as the pika scurried nearer to him. The animal looked, at
first glance, like a mouse, but it was simply too cute. It was like a hamster
had crossed itself with a squirrel and then watched Disney movies back to
back for hours before being released into the wild. It was a rare, timid
mammal and many people were thrilled even to catch a glimpse of it, much less
be able to sit as close to it as Genma was.
There was a barely perceptible black blur as Genma swatted the creature into
the ground. He picked it up and bit its head off, savoring the taste of
blood. As he let the morsel roll around on his tongue, Genma reflected on his
current position. He hoped no one had seen him catch the pika. Pandas weren't
supposed to move that fast, and if the zoo's scientists knew how quickly he
could move they would do another barrage of tests. They apparently thought he
was a rare species of panda because his foot pads were larger or something.
As a result, Genma hadn't been left alone ever since the zoo keepers put him
here almost two days ago. At least they had given him plenty of food and
water.
The water was really important. Eating bamboo was thirsty work for some
reason..."
I'm just trying to illustrate what I mean here. Please take no offense. You
use much the same method in the scene with Taro, when you're describing his
situation and the bird.
[I gotcha, and I really do like the idea of embellishing Genma's activity a
bit. That much is going to change for sure.]
Alternatively, if you feel the scientist and the reporter are important, then
you ought to IMO describe them more. You might even begin from the reporter's
perspective, letting the reader know that she is doing a fluff piece on the
animals caught in the typhoon or what not.
[That would require me to shift POV, which is something I habitually avoid
like the plague. Now, it might well be worth re-writing the entire scene
from the reporter's POV, but then I have to sacrifice what is going through
Genma's tricky little mind. My other option is to adopt the "Omniscient
Observer" type POV, which I hate working with, but it might be worth the
effort in this scene. I'll think about it. You can do some wonderfully funny
stuff with that POV if you manage its voice correctly. What you should not
expect, is that I will bounce around from one POV to the next. That's a
no-no and a very poor style of writing.]
[She is surprised about the nature of the forests, not the panda. Most
people are surprised to hear that old growth forests have little in the way
of animal life at the ground level. They are good places for most of the
large animals to starve.]
Okay. My problem with this then is that it isn't clear that this is why the
reporter is surprised. Furthermore, while I'd say this is somewhat
interesting, surprising might be going a little far. That's just my opinion
though.
[Okay, I'll see what I can do to make the cause of her surprise more
obvious. That should not be hard to do.]
[Japanese lacks plural forms.]
Okay fine. I've already gone into this, but if you still don't believe me go
ahead. All I ask is that you be consistent. So if Nabiki or somebody needs to
talk to Ranma Genma and Nodoka together you make sure she says "I've got to
talk to the Saotome."
[I do try to be consistent. I do not always succeed, but I do try.]
[Again, Japanese does not have plural forms.]
[Alternatively, she could say "Nodoka-tachi". The "-tachi" added to Nodoka's
name meaning "Nodoka and those with her" or Nodoka and those on her side" or
some other such grouping, not necessarily having anything to do with
familial relationships. I have run across sentences like "Nodoka-tachi wa
kita," but have never seen a sentence wherein a clan or family was
specifically meant. The "-tachi" suffix seems to refer, as a rule, to a
group of people with the person whose name received the "-tachi" suffix. In
summary, the "-tachi" suffix has always seemed to me to be similar to the
British "Potter and Co", which is enunciated "Potter and coe".]
Also if the three of them are walking down the road, then you'll have to say.
"The Saotome walked down the road."
[And the point is? I understand your concerns about consistency and would
indeed write it just that way. I've read "katas" and "katanas" and "Kunos"
until I'm about to scream from it. This is one of those things that "jars"
me out of the story for a minute or so every time I run across it.]
[Agreed, but I am trying to keep this one short. I tend to get carried away
with flashbacks.]
You could go two ways with this. Either reveal less information by not going
into the past much at all and simply mention the eye of Mephistopheles and
what might happen because of it, or commit to telling the story about what
happen by doing a flashback. As it stands now it seems too rushed and
incomplete.
[I don't think it is that bad, and I really and truly do NOT want to do a
flashback. The last flashback I did turned into _Comes the Cold Dragon_.]
[If the reader was bored, the reader failed to put the panda stuff into
context. How much fun would it be to have one of these critters staying at
your house? What would be some of the consequences that were never revealed
by Takahashi's 38 volumes of manga? Also, several of these teensy little
factotums become important later on in the yarn.]
I think that these consequences were not revealed because they were quite
pointedly ignored. When it comes right down to it, if Genma was a normal
panda he would not be able to do martial arts. He also would not be able to
play shogi or materialize signs out of the (nonexistent) ether. You have to
ask yourself whether you're going to be true to the cannon, or true to
science, or to which degree you are going to follow both.
As long as the facts become important later on then that's fine. The format
in which they are revealed in is the main thing I take issue with here.
[The very first feedback I got about this scene was, "I laughed my ass off
at Genma fooling with his observers," and I have received several other
comments in a similar vein. I am not trying to put you down, merely trying
to carefully weigh things to a workable balance before making changes. I
can't hit every reader's funny bone every time. The best I can hope for in
any single scene is to hit fifty-percent or better. It's just that after
reading up on Panda's for this scenem I thought, "Well holy smokes, Martha!
Now I know why Takahashi chose a panda for Genma's cursed form. Who would
want one of these things around the house? A grizzly would might well be
better company. At least a grizzly would not overload the plumbing shortly
after emptying the pantry.]
[We are talking about Ranma Saotome in female form here, you know.
Confidence is the hallmark of the character.]
In fighting, yes. Relationships are another story. In retrospect I shouldn't
have said anything though. Any differences can be chalked up to Ranko's other
memories, and the fact that she's becoming more of a girl. That's the main
problem I have: that she sounds like a girl. I should just get over it
though. Sorry.
[I am going to have to go back and re-read the part you are talking about
here, because now I am convinced that I have missed the point of your
original question altogether.]
[Happosai does not get a "u". The "o" in his name is of ordinary length for
English speakers. A "u" is placed after the "o" in romanized Japanese to
denote a stretched "o", that is to say the long "o" held for about twice as
long as an English speaker would ordinarily sound as a long "o".]
So sorry, but actually if you're following the hiragana Happosai SHOULD be
written Happousai. His name comes from three kanji. "Ha" meaning eight "Hou"
meaning treasure, and "Sai" meaning vegetables. Together you get Ha-small
tsu-Po-U-Sa-I. Happousai. It means chop suey. Look it up
[I looked it up many moons ago, and according to my dictionaries, not
available to me at the moment as I writing this from the shop rather than at
home, "Happosai" means "eight treasures". Nevertheless, I will double check
to make certain of its proper romanization and correct it if necessary.]
(http://linear.mv.com/cgi-bin/j-e/dosearch?sDict=on&H=PS&L=J&T=happousai&
WC=none&fg=w&S=26&I=on&LI=on)
I just don't like the u's cause they look funny.
[They don't bother me one way or the other. If it should written with an
"ou", then I'll make the effort to write it that way.]
(that really is a mouth ful by the way).
[So is "Mephistopheles".]
Yes, it is. Could you use Mephisto? or is that a completely different person?
Also I think you should just go ahead and call it the Eye of Mephistopheles.
Or if you want to keep it mysterious simply, the Eye. Mefusutofuriisu is a
little too much to take.
[Hell, I don't know. Let's ask the forum. All in favor of Zorknot's proposal
write to me and say "yea" or "nay". I'll count the votes.]
All of these are merely suggestions
Accept them or reject them, either way is fine.
If you want to argue that's fine too.
I'm all for that.
[Getting into arguments is a serious weakness of mine, and I do thank you
most kindly for this one. Civil arguments are hard to come by.]
Thanks, Zorknot,
Don.
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