Boredcollective@aol.com wrote:
The section's just a _little_ too long for the straight AOL
service to post. I wonder if there's a setting nobody's told
me about to send more than 32k at a time...
And I spent three of the nights this week sleeping on the floor at work,
so might come across as a bit... disjointed. Here's me trying TRYING to
get back into the swing of things... curse you, backlog. Curse you.
-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: 1.txt
Author's Forword: Ah, dear, sweet, sweet mediocrity.
My byline, bub. You go bask in the minor glory, and leave the mediocricy
to ME.
I would sincerely love to hear any suggestions anyone has to
make. After all, that's why I posted it when it wasn't ready.
And there are no comments that I simply ignore. Every idea
has its place, and I adapt all I can. Ideas are valuable to
me. It's a good thing to never waste them...
Eeeeeexcelent....
Furinkan High's bell rang and, like a deranged Pavlovian
experiment, the students shuffled out of their classrooms. Some had
the zombie-like expressions of those that had just heard the loud
swishing noise of their future being heartlessly flushed down the
toilet after the last test results were made public.
Heh.
Not Ranma, though, who was still in shock from the discovery of
what some of his teachers were like. In the short time that he had
attended Furinkan, the school leadership had gone through teachers
faster than a shoujo anime villain goes through his lackies. Rei
insisted that the few more or less normal ones that had been in
before were merely substitutes who usually worked at Juuban Junior
High or over at the White Dove Academy. The young man hadn't thought
to ask why elementary and Junior High teachers had been assigned to
work at a High School. Actually, he'd also decided not to ask about
a lot of what was going on.
Don't think that the 'High School' needs to be capitalized.
The boy looked up at her with sleepless eyes that would have
made a kicked puppy give up and start selling insurance. "What? Oh!"
He bowed down several times in prostrated obeisance. "Right, I forgot
that it was supposed to be a secret identity, Miss... I mean, Mister
Saotome!"
... riiiiight.
Puppy. Insurance.
I think you've damaged me, Mr. Oliver.
Hopefully you'll sign the required waivers when I attempt to warranty my
mind.
"Can I please have your autograph???" the zombie-boy pleaded.
Do you need more than one question mark?
Ranma threw up her arms, giving up. "Oh, all right!" In a
very lady-like manner, she twirled around, her ankle-length skirt
swishing as she resumed her walk with Rei toward the lunch room.
"Hey, stop laughing already! I'll bet nobody else gets soaked like
this on a regular school day..."
I think we've gone over the elipses.
*Boom*Crash!* Lightning flashed and thunder roared in the
background.
Something about that '*Boom*Crash!*' looks awkward.
The cat's statement instantly caused Usagi to come to a
screeching halt, which was an odd way of doing so, because that very
adjective could easily be applied to to the tone of voice the girl
used used as she glared at her kitty-advisor and politely asked--at
a volume jackhammers would envy-- "IT CAN!? WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT
_EARLIER_?!"
I think it's tone more than volume, but... no, no, that still applies.
Hmm. Mr. Oliver, I'm going to have to ask you to make more mistakes --
you're not giving me a lot to correct or comment on, here. ;)
"We're working as fast as we can," irritably explained a
maintenance from atop a tall ladder. He peered down at the blonde,
who seemed a little too anxious to get her precious hot water. "So
what? You'll have to take a cold shower for P.E." He shook his head
while banging on a pipe with a wrench. "Grow up, girl!"
Aha! 'a maintenance'?
Why isn't this plumber Italian?
*Crash!*Rumble-rumble* Outside, a bolt struck the school's
lightning rod. Everyone winced at the sharp noise, and the lights
flickered, but the effect was only momentary. When they caught sight
of the lovely damsel who had just entered, a hush went over the
students.
Same with this sound effect. I'd put an asterisk on each part of the
sound effect, and then a space between them.
The reporters regrouped like a swarm of northern Canadian
mosquitoes, going in to suck the last bits of life from their
helpless victim.
Now THAT is scary.
*WHOOSH!*WHACK-WHACK-WHACK!* A rush of air whipped past the
approaching news anchors, driving them away from the Moon Princess.
Several tried to resist, but they were finally each driven down by
the sharp smack of a bokken to the base of the neck.
My comment on sound effects applies to this one, if you choose to pay
attention.
Right. I forgot to mention, so feel free to take any of my comments you
don't like with a grain of salt. If it doesn't help you... but you know
the drill. ;)
"...shall suffer the wrath of the Great Blue Thunder and Rolling
Stone of Furinkan High!" Kuno shifted his grip, brandishing his
weapon. "Who dares to accept the challenge?"
... Rolling Stone.
Beautiful.
"Rei..." Ranma muttered, glaring at her. She desperately
searched his mind for a decent comeback. "Yeah, well, 'wicked but
beauteous sorceress,' why don't you use your magic to..." She paused.
"Umm, to, like, something or other."
'She' searched 'his' mind?
"I managed," Kuno Michiru replied in a calm, refined voice.
"Now, will you please explain yourselves?"
--->> This is where I fell out of my chair, frothing at the mouth.
To reiterate, good Sir: URK.
"No, we didn't, did we?" Ranma replied, trying to remember
when he had last saw the new girl's face. "Oh! Right, you're that
kendoist's brother, aren't you?"
'Brother'?
"Er..." Ranma turned red. "He surprised me? I was a girl at
the time? I hadn't warmed up? All the stars were aligning themselves
against me?"
... hehehe.
"Yeah," Ranma replied instantly. She made a mental exercise
out of mimicking Michiru's expression. Outwardly, she was as calm and
collected as the other girl. Inwardly, though, she was screaming,
"YES!!! YES, HOO-YEAH, DO I EVER WANNA LEARN THAT SWEET KI-BLASTIN',
BABY!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
"You want some of the glowing? DO YOU WANT SOME OF THE GLOWING? I've got
glowing to SPARE!"
^_^
To be continued when I can...
Ideas are one thing, true, but finding how to write them out is the
real trick.
I guess this might be one of those things I have to sort out on
my own. Just have to sit on a rock for a while, resting my chin on
my fist until I figure it out. Whelp, gotta go on a metaphysical
exploratory tour. Be back in a bit!
I think it worked, by and large. Quite good, if I wasn't able to offer as
much in the way of commentary as I would have liked.
-------------------------------
Benjamin A. Oliver
boredcollective@aol.com
"We are the Bored. Lower your shields and surrender your fics.
We will add your standup and slapstick comedy to our own.
Your humor will adapt to entertain us.
Resistance is and always has been: Futile."
Collective works available at:
http://rakhal.com/florestica/ben-oliver/index.html
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