Here they come again, Allyn, those dreaded square brackets enclosing rude
commentary. I'm only going to do Chapter 17 this time. I'll do Chapter 18
later.
 
Don.



Chapter: 17 Wei wei jiu zhao (Besiege Wei to save Zhao)


"Do you understand what you are to do?"

The six men looked at one another, then at their leader who nodded and
turned to their employer. "We understand. It will be done as you command."

Their employer eyed them with carefully hidden distaste. Looking at their
filthy pinched faces, and hungry feral eyes, he could see that they had all
the compassion of Nazi camp guards and the instincts of sharks in a feeding
frenzy. Best of all, they  didn't like the Japanese.  But, working with such
people carried certain risks.

Descendants of North Korean laborers left in Japan after the final bits of
the Japanese Empire were broken up, they were stateless people. Unable to
obtain Japanese citizenship, unwelcome in  North Korea, distrusted by the
South, they and others like them lived a shadowy non- existence on the
fringe of Japanese society. Doing  jobs the Japanese did not or would not
do, they were 'invisible men' that even the  burakumin underclass looked
down upon.



Checking his watch, he made a phone call, waiting patiently as the phone
rang one full minute without an answer. Satisfied no one was home, he
returned the phone to his pocket.
 
 *****

Panting slightly Kasumi put down her groceries and grabbed the phone.

"Moshimoshi? Is anyone there?" There was only the buzz of a disconnected
line. Shrugging, she started putting away the groceries.

Renting a hotel room had done wonders for her studies. But it had been
lonely as well. She missed her sisters, and father. This morning she'd even
found herself missing Kodachi and her bad poetry. When _that_ happened, she
realized it was time to come home, even if it was a few days early.

Nabiki and Akane had been so good about doing her chores while she was
studying Kasumi had decided to make them a special dinner and picked up some
things on the way home.

Could it have been father, she wondered, pouring oil and seasoning into a
pan and starting water boiling. He quite often would go off to visit friends
or just to be by himself, especially each year on the anniversary  of-----
especially when under stress.
 
[This one snagged my eye, because I did not immediately realize what Kasumi
was thinking about. I suggest "Could that have been Father on the phone, she
wondered" instead of "Could it have been father, she wondered."]

There _was_ a place from years ago, Tendou Souun's final refuge from the
pain of the world.

Kasumi hadn't said anything to Akane of course, but she knew Nabiki shared
her fear.  At the hotel, she'd picked up the phone seven times, and seven
times put it down, unable to make the call. Not knowing was bad, but knowing
might be even worse. If she called the bar - - if they told her Souun was
drinking again  - - Kasumi dashed angry tears from her eyes, surprised by
sudden memories she'd thought safely buried.
 
[The em-dashes are still malformed, but at least you have reduced them to
two dashes in length. Change "she'd" to "she had". The contraction really
sticks out very badly in this passage.]

She looked at what she'd bought. She could  make eel. Grilled perhaps? No,
better to make yanagawa-nabe. Kasumi had burdock root and eggs for the mild
eel- casserole that was one of Nabiki's favorites. Her middle sister had
that in common with their father, the thought came unbidden.

And she'd grill some white-fish for Akane, and make sure there was plenty of
wasabi. She nibbled on her lower lip for a moment, thinking about their
guest. She wasn't sure what Ranko liked, but the young girl seemed happy
with whatever Kasumi fixed. She even liked Nabiki's cooking. And Akane's,
which might just indicate how desperately lonely she was.

Poor little thing. No mother and father gone on business all the time.
Kasumi felt a pang of sympathy, knowing exactly how she must feel.
 
[I suggest inserting the pronoun "her" between the words "and" and "father".
I stumbled on it as it is writtne now.]

She'd fix a nice sweet for Ranko, mashed sweet- potato with chestnuts or
maybe pancakes with sweet-bean filling? Humming to herself she started
pulling bowls and pans from the cabinets.
 
 [sweetpotato]
 

***** *****

Performing a last minute check to make sure his men were in position the
leader glanced at his employer, then gave the signal. Silently, with the
expertise of long experience the 'invisible men' slipped over the wall and
flowed across the ground into the house.  Their orders were specific. The
entire operation should take less than half of an hour.
 
[Comma needed after "experience".] [POV and voice both handled quite nicely
so far.]

***** *****

"Boyfriend?" Nabiki glanced sideways at Ranko as she and Akane walked  home
after school. The wind was swirling cherry blossoms across the road and
Nabiki idly watched the patterns they made.  She hadn't seen any 'funny'
stuff between Akane and Ranko while in school, maybe she'd been
over-reacting that morning. "Ukyou threw me down in a ditch, tore my blouse
and bruised me all over. Does that sound like a boyfriend?"
 
[The dialogue, starting with "Ukyou threw..." should be in a paragraph of
its own.]

"Sounds like love to me."  Ranko grinned.

"Huh . . .then what's left for marriage. A pine-box and a hearse?"

"I don't think he's right for you." Akane put in suddenly. "You're too young
to be dating, anyway."
 
[Use a comma after "you" given that you are substituting the phrase "Akane
put in" for the verb "said".]

Nabiki stifled a laugh. "Well, thank you grandmother-Akane. Any other words
of wisdom?"

"What do you know about his family?" Akane asked seriously. "Where is he
from? What are his hobbies? Do you even know his blood type?"

She couldn't help it. Dropping her bag Nabiki bent over, gasping with
laughter.
 
[Given that the POV is firmly established as being that of Nabiki, the
contraction works. However, just as a reminder, you should as a general be
wary of using contractions in narrative.]

"I'm glad you think it's funny," Akane groused, hands fisted on her hips.
"but you've got to think about these things before you get into a
relationship."

[Use a comma in place of the period after "hips". If it is of any
consolation, I did not think that I would ever get the hang of punctuating
dialogue.] 
 
 
"Oh . . .oh . . .I can't stand it," Nabiki whooped with laughter. "You've
never even held hands with a boy----"
 
 
 [Exclamation mark of period after "it" instead of the comma. Given the kind
of dialogue, an exclamation mark is warranted.]

"I have _too_," Akane corrected this base calumny indignantly. "Kashitzu, at
the Nerima  semi-finals!"
 
 [POV shifted without warning to Akane.]

"And you broke three of his fingers." Nabiki countered.
 
 [Comma instead of a period after "fingers". You are using "countered" in
lieu of the verb "said".]

"He fell wrong", Akane excused, "Anyway, I was holding his hand, so it
counts." she insisted stubbornly. "And we're not talking about me. I'm
concerned about you." Akane ended virtuously.
 
 [The verb "excused" does not strike me as an adequate substitute for the
verb "said", but I could be wrong on this one. I suggest you consult an
accomplished grammarian on this one. Whether you keep it or not, the comma
after "excused" should be a period or you should not capitalize the
conjunction "and" if you are going to keep the comma. Personally, I would
keep the comma and take the capital "A" out of "And".]

"Ukyou's not my boyfriend," Nabiki repeated, trying to relieve Akane's
fears.

"But, Ranko said-----"
 
 [Use an ellipsis after "said" instead of the malformed em-dash.]

"It was just a joke," Nabiki answered and Ranko nodded agreement.

Akane only looked bewildered and Nabiki sighed, picking up her book bag and
leading the way home. Akane had the social awareness of a gladiola. Less,
since flowers were pollinated at least once a year. Akane laughed at
something Ranko said and Nabiki watched them carefully from the corner of
her eye.
 
 
 [Using conjunctions does not do much to cure the problems with
agglomeration.]

They looked . . .right, together. They weren't even touching, but there was
an intimacy . . .

Nabiki felt a surge of something and realized it was jealousy. There was
always a little reserve, a hidden spot that Akane didn't let anyone touch,
not even her family. And now this stranger!  Nabiki hadn't seen Akane so
open since . . . since Thailand. She was briefly amazed she felt only a
twinge at the memory.
 
 [The last sentence is two sentences run together without even a comma
splice for a fig leaf. The pronoun "she" is overused here as well. I suggest
replacing one instance of it with "Nabiki".]

A cold breeze seemed to flow past as Nabiki had a sudden epiphany.  Kasumi
was head of house in all but name and she had her studies, friends. Nabiki
had friends, clubs, her own little business empire . . .
 
 [Comma needed after "name". I almost hate to mention it, but I must, the
two lines below this note should have been part of the paragraph immediately
preceding this note.]

What did Akane have?  She was captain of the swimming club, class president.
Her grades were always good.

When was the last time Akane had friends over?

Nabiki thought back over the past several weeks, months, then  - - a year!
It had been almost a year since Akane brought some friends home from school.
They hadn't stayed long, and they'd never come back.
 
 [Malformed em-dash note, "...weeks, months, then--a year!"]

Could Akane be lonely? She would have said something, wouldn't she? Nabiki
and Kasumi always looked out for her. Her grades were good, she was class
president. Captain of the swimming club.
 
 [Her grades were good. She was class president--Captain of the swimming
club.]

Just because Akane didn't bring friends home, that didn't mean anything. She
could be going to their house in her free time. When she wasn't doing
chores. Or school work, or club activities. Or training-----in the doujou
before anyone else was awake, training after school, until the early morning
hours.
 
 [Malformed em-dash between "training" and "in". Worse, I am hard put to
justify its existence. Punctuation in this paragraph is a mess in general,
but almost acceptible because it is Nabiki's internal monologue. I am not at
all certain how far you can push the envelope in this context. I suggest
running this one by an accomplished grammarian.]

Her grades were good, she was class president. Captain of the swimming club.
She had to know lots of people.

Who knew Akane?

Her grades were good, she was class president. Captain of the swimming club.
She did her chores, volunteered to help around the neighborhood.

Who helped Akane?

Her grades were good, she was class president. Captain of the swimming club.

No, Nabiki shook herself. This was silly. Surely she would have noticed
something. Or Kasumi. She watched Ranko say something to Akane and Akane
shake a fist in mock-threat.

*What do you know about him? Who is his family?*

She'd thought it was hilarious when Akane asked it, but now it didn't seem
so funny. What did they really know about Ranko, other than what she'd told
them. What did they know about Ranma and Genma, for that matter.

An old friend of father's? Nabiki's stomach cramped at the thought.

It had seemed kind of silly at the time. An arranged marriage was something
out of a bad samurai movie, not anything to take seriously.

Nabiki suddenly realized what it would mean if her baby sister got married,
and it left her with a cold feeling in the pit of her stomach. Marriage -
-the marriage _bed_ !

Oh hell no! Not her baby sister.
 
[Hate though you may, a comma is required after exclamatories such as "Oh".
I never liked it, but the constant nagging has finally compelled me to
comply with the rule. As much as I would like to spare you the pain, I
shan't.]
 
 Maybe when she was older, say forty, but not now. Akane was much too young.
For boys or-----Nabiki listened to Ranko laugh again and cringed, recalling
her teasing remarks of the day before.
 
 [Malformed em-dash between "or" and "Nabiki". Replace it with an ellipsis.]

Surely Ranko hadn't taken her seriously? Nabiki needed to talk things over
with Kasumi, even if she had to interrupt her studies. She'd call her sister
at the hotel once they got home.

The wind blew Ranko's long hair around and Nabiki watched Akane brush it out
of the other girl's face, in a gesture that was almost painfully intimate
because it was completely unconscious.

Fifty. Or maybe sixty. Sixty was a good age. Mature, stable, sensible. Akane
could start dating when she was sixty. In the meantime, she would  enjoy
living in a Cloister. In Tibet.
 
 [Replace the period between "Cloister" and "In" with an em-dash:
  
  "...in a Cloister--in Tibet!"]
 

***** *****
[This scene break marker strikes me as being superfluous.]

They arrived home, and were just outside of the gate, when a piercing scream
blasted through the tangle of Nabiki's thoughts.

"What was that?" Ranko's head snapped around, body quivering with suppressed
tension.

"Nobody's home, unless father's back," Nabiki answered, standing stock
still. "but that sounded like a woman and Kasumi's not supposed to be back
for another three days."
 
 [Replace the period after "still" with a comma, or capitalize the
conjunction "but". Personally, I'd replace the period with a comma. The
contraction "father's" should be capitalized.]

"Oneesama!" Akane hit the gate like a runaway freight train and rumbled into
the house, without stopping to open the door.
 
 [Delete the comma after "house".]

*Cripes.* Ranko thought, as the gate bounced off the wall and hung skewed on
a broken hinge. Sprinting hard, she was only a couple of steps behind, and
bitterly aware of the damage Akane was doing to her knee and hip. After all
the work she'd done on it, Ranko felt a certain sense of ownership.
 
 [You have not used special markers for thoughts up until this paragraph.
Also, the period after "Cripes" should be a comma and you should delete the
comma following "thought". POV shifted from Nabiki to Ranko.]

Akane, Ranko and, several paces in the rear and badly winded, Nabiki skidded
to a halt, just outside the kitchen. The house looked like a war zone.
Floorboards had been ripped up, wall panels knocked out and the televison
lay dying in a hissing, sparking tangle of electronic entrails.
 
 [Delete the comma after the word "halt". Also correct the comma splices.
The simplest fix requiring the least amount of work would be to use the
article "the" in front of "wall" in "wall panels".]

Worst of all was the crowd of filthy ragged intruders, like rats who had
learned to walk on two legs, crowded into the kitchen, surrounding and
pressing against two taller figures. The tallest was unfamiliar, swathed in
dark concealing robes. The other----

"NEESAMA!" With a scream like a castrated buffalo Akane plowed through the
rat-people, scattering them like pebbles and slammed into the robed figure
who was holding Kasumi.
 
 [This one is okay, in terms of punctuation, but it clanks for me. If more
than one reader flags it, you should consider changing it.]

*No finesse* Ranko sighed, instantly moving to back her up. Ranma wasn't
about to let some bunch of street thugs queer his scam. This was _his_
doujou! At least it would be if nothing happened to it or the Tendou sisters
before Ranma could consummate the deal.
 
 [Either, "No finesse". Ranko sighed. Or "No finesse, Ranko thought with a
sigh. Or "No finesse!" Ranko sighed. or "No finesse, Ranko muttered with a
sigh." One of these variants is a must because as it is written, you have
Ranko forming coherent thought by using the verb "sigh".]

Using a variation of 'Drunken-Monkey-Steals-an- Apple' Ranko 'accidentally'
knocked Nabiki clear of the action, then turned to the ragged men blocking
her path to Akane. If they were just good, she could take them out with
'Drunken-Monkey' style and not blow her cover. If they were better than
good?  Ranko had to think about that for a moment.
 
 [Use double quote marks everywhere save inside a pair of double quote
marks.]

There a couple of spare Tendous, so Ranma supposed he could afford to lose
one. 'Course, he didn't want to wait around until the end of a mourning
period before gettin' married, gettin' the doujou and heading back to China.
And, he _had_ put in a lot of time, as both Ranma and Ranko, getting Akane
trained. It really made more sense to take care of Akane. It was just good
business.
 
 [Uh, huh! And good con-men never fall for their own BS, right?]
 

Sighing, Ranko moved to face the thugs-----wishing she were male right now.
Then Ranma could really score some points playing the hero-----only the
thugs weren't there to face, anymore. Like a morning mist, or more like a
covey of startled quail, they vanished. Spinning quickly to cover her six,
Ranko discovered she was alone in the room, except for Nabiki, Kasumi, Akane
and-----

 [Replace the malformed em-dash after "thugs" with a comma. Replace the
malformed em-dash after "hero" with a proper em-dash, or use an ellipsis.
Personally, I'd use the em-dash. Replace the malformed em-dash after "Akane"
with an ellipsis.]

"BASTARD!"  Akane growled.

-----the new guy.
 
[Okay, I had to read this passage twice to figure out what was going on,
starting with Akane and----". Whether you change your handling of the action
here or not, you must replace the malformed em-dash ahead of "the new guy"
with an ellipsis.]

Akane drove a short jab to her opponents heart and her fist crunched against
something hard under his robes.
 
 [As written, this description of the action changes the POV from Ranko to
Akane. The better method would have been to describe the action to us
through Ranko's eyes. This leaves us involved in the action without forcing
us to accommodate the change in POV. The reader is already deeply involved
in this scene and its action up to this point, so what purpose is served by
changing POV? None that I can see.]

Her fist was harder.

Akane knew she was slow. When she managed to hit someone, she wanted it to
count. Smashing an iron plate ten-thousand times in the morning and again at
night made sure that when she connected, it counted.
 
 [Need an additonal comma after the word "night".]

Her opponent was no weakling though and blindingly fast. He twisted  with
her blow to rob it of power and countered with a Cobra-Fang strike that
should have shattered Akane's fore-arm like cheap pottery.
 
 [Her opponent was no weakling though,(note the comma) and he was blindingly
fast. The change in the second clause is necessary in order to maintain a
consistence verb voice, passive in this case, throughout the length of the
sentnece. Need a comma after "power".]

Instead his strike bounced, as if he'd hit an iron pipe, and he cried out in
pain. During his instant of confusion Akane grabbed him by the throat with
her left hand and began punching with her right, each blow ringing like a
hammer on an anvil.
 
[Comma after "Instead", delete the comma after "bounced". Insert a comma
after "confusion".] [Don't kill him, Akane! Just choke him until he turns
purple. That way, when he wakes up, you can do it all over again. Choking
dead guys ain't no fun!]

Ranko watched Akane, a sour look on her face, then shrugged fatalistically.
Akane was too linear in her attacks, and that was going to be her downfall
one day.
 
 [POV shifted back to Ranko, where it should have remained.]

That day was now, as her opponents hands darted inside his robes and came
out with two scythes attached to chains.

"AKANE!" Kasumi saw it first, and lunged to protect her sister. The robed
figure twisted in Akane's grip, reacting to the perceived threat, and Kasumi
crumpled, bleeding from the temple.

Akane had merely been mildly aggravated before. Her opponent realized the
difference when she tore his weapons from his body, hardened steel links
parting like soft aluminum, forged steel shafts crumpling like tinfoil.
There was madness in her eyes and death in her hands as Akane reached for
him and he suddenly decided he had business elsewhere.

[While not an actual change in POV, the voice becomes confusing here.]
 
A slashing blow across Akane's eyes broke her concentration,  a swirl of
robes made Akane think he was moving left, when he was actually going right
and he was free.

Almost.

For a one-legged girl, Akane moved incredibly fast, her good leg launching
her like a missile at her foe.

If the robed figure had made even a slight zig-zag, Akane's leap would have
missed, and she would never have been able to catch him in the open.

But he didn't, and she did.

He was actually out of the kitchen door when Akane hit him like a striking
panther. She jerked him back into the room and the blows she landed were
jack-hammer hard. If Akane had only a fraction of self control, she'd have
ripped his head from his spine and been done with it, instead of continuing
to try to smashing through his armor and crush his chest.
 
 [Now the voice of the POV seems to indicate that it Ranko-Ranma relating
the events to us.]

"Stop her!" Nabiki cried from where she cradled Kasumi's head in her lap.
"She'll kill him."

*Stop her?* From where Ranko stood, it looked like Akane was doin' pretty
good. Her heart had almost stopped when she'd seen those damn knives and she
cursed herself for being caught out of position. Knowing she going to be too
late to stop the intruder, Ranko had started a killing move, anyway. It
would have pulped the intruders spine like a bunch of grapes, when Kasumi
had jumped in front of Ranko, in her attempt to protect Akane. Looking at
the eldest Tendou's bloody scalp, she only sorry Akane wasn't going to leave
anything for her.
 
 [POV now firmly established with Ranko. Overall, your handling of POV is
much improved in this piece, Allyn. Don't let me grind you down. The last
sentence of this paragraph is in crying need of a touch up. Read aloud, and
I think you will catch it.]

"No," Kasumi roused feebly from where she lay. "Don't let her . . .please .
. ."

Akane looked like she was having  fun, and Ranko didn't see any sense in
stopping her from pounding the son- of-a-bitch like a bowl of rice, but . .
.Kasumi's eyes begged her to do something.

*Oh hell," Ranko thought in disgust. *Pop would sure get a laugh outta this*
There was no percentage in getting involved now - - except the look in
Kasumi's eyes. *I ain't even gonna get kissed!* These dammed Tendou's were
like an itch he couldn't scratch.

"Okay, Akane-chan, that's enough." Ranko put a hand on her shoulder and
Akane growled at him like a wild animal. She could _feel_ it down in her
bones.
 
[Reverse the pronoun useage, placing "Akane's" where you now have "her" and
use "she" after the conjunction "and". Start the next sentence with
"Ranko".]

*Uh oh.* Moving  so she could see Akane's  face, Ranko rocked back in shock.
Foam flecked Akane's lips, which were drawn back from her teeth in a
death's-head snarl, and her eyes were filled with blood.

*Whooops!*

With every blow the robed figure jerked and flopped like a rag-doll and it
wouldn't be much longer before Akane punched through whatever armor this guy
was wearing under his robes. Ranko thought about her _own_ little problem
and what sometimes brought her out of the madness, and decided to take a
chance. She only hoped to hell it worked - -  or she was fast enough to get
out of the way if it didn't.
 
 [Replace the malformed em-dash with a real em-dash and insert the word
"that" between the words "or" and "she".]

Trying not to think about how stupid she was being Ranko threw herself at
Akane, knocking the other girl clear of  the idiot-in-robes,  wrapping
around Akane like a living straightjacket.
 
 [Comma after "being". What got wrapped around Akane? Ranko, right? If so,
insert "herself" between "wrapping" and "around".]

It was like riding an earthquake. One that screamed as it tried to batter
you to death. Slamming into furniture and walls, watching floor and ceiling
swap places, Ranko made a mental vow to _never_, under any circumstances,
grapple with Akane again.

At least not in a fair fight.
 
 
 [Good grapplers often win fights, be the fights fair or unfair. The very
tough and durable grapplers win lots of fights.]

As her head slammed into the wall for the fourth, or was it sixth time,
Ranko sent a brief prayer for help to the Christian god, adding Allah,
Buddha, Vishnu and a couple of obscure Micronesian deities to the mix for
added insurance.
 
 [Question mark after "time". Ranko is begining to sound like a couple of
Marines I know.]

Feeling  ribs begin to separate Onna-Ranma swore to burn incense at the
Itsukushima warrior's shrine for the next twenty years if the kami would
just get him out of this alive and reasonably intact.
 
 [Comma after "years". Note that you do often need a comma after any word or
phrase involving or describing the passing of time.]

Despite the beating, Onna-Ranma held on, maintaining an endless stream of
nonsense sounds used to sooth  a frightened child or a wounded animal.  With
shocking abruptness, the storm died and there was only silence.

"R . . .Ranko?"

*who?* Onna-Ranma wondered, watching the pretty flashing lights.
 
 [The word "who" should be capitalized.]

"A . . .Are you alright, Ranko?"

*Who th' hell is . . .oh yeah, _I'm_  Ranko.* If only the rooms would stop
spinning. Why  would someone build a house on a roller-coaster, anyway?

"I'm fine," Ranko lied, in a hoarse whisper. "How're you doin'."

 [Question mark after "doin'" instead of the period.]
 
"Okay." Akane rasped in a small voice.
 
 [Comma instead of a period after "Okay". "Rasped" is a good subsitute for
the verb "said".]

With a groan Ranko unclenched cramped muscles, giving thanks for the extra
padding of her female form, and creakily got to her feet. She hurt in places
she was pretty sure hadn't _been_ places a few minutes ago.  Reaching to
help Akane up, Ranko was shocked to see tears streaking her face.
 
 [Comma after "groan". Whose muscles? Ranko's muscles, right? Insert the
possessive pronoun "her" between "unclenched" and "cramped".]

"I . . .I did it again, didn't I?" Akane whispered, eyes dark with some
unnameable emotion.

"It's Okay, sis," Nabiki assured her shakily, "see, Kasumi is fine. I'm
fine. Even ----LOOK OUT!"
 
 [The knickname "sis" should capitalize. Replace the comma after "shakily"
with a period. Replace the comma after "see" with a question mark and
capitalize "See". Replace the period after "fine" with a comma. The em dash
after "Even" is malformed and should be an ellipsis.]

Incredibly the robed figure had gotten to his feet. Even as he reached
inside his robes, Akane threw Ranko to safety and launched herself at him.
But her berserker rage had drained her and without it, Akane was too slow to
stop him. She was just fast enough to block his attack, catching the glass
balls he threw on her forearms. They exploded in a cloud of dust and Akane's
scream of agony covered his escape.
 
 [Comma after "Incredibly". Comma after "him" instead of the period. Take
the capital "B" out of "But". Comma after "her" in the phrase "drained her".
POV voice is again iffy.]

*Amazons!* Something about the figure's movements brought an instant's
shocked recognition to Ranko. That meant-----

[Replace the malformed em-dash after "meant" with an ellipsis.]
 
"DON'T BREATHE!" Covering her face with one arm Ranko yanked Akane out of
the cloud, dragged her to the sink and  ripped off her clothes, being
careful not to touch any of the tiny spines embedded in Akane's clothing and
skin with her bare hands. "Hot water, quick!"
 
["DON'T BREAHTE!" Ranko shouted, covering her face..."]

"What?" Kasumi gasped, bewildered.

"Crap! Call an ambulance!" Ranko yanked a pot off the stove and poured the
steaming water over the screaming girl. "Dammit----MOVE!" Ranko yelled.
"Tell them it's Stone-Fish poison."
 
 [Which screaming girl? There are four of them in the scene, if you count
Ranko who is shouting instructions. It's Akane who is screaming, right? SAY
SO!
 
 "...poured the steaming water over the screaming Akane...]

**** ******

"That was quick thinking, young lady," Dr. Chou addressed Ranko in the
waiting room. "You saved her from a very bad time by neutralizing a lot of
the stonefish toxin before it entered her body."
 
 [Punctuation perfect!]

"Uhhh, glad I could help." Ranko muttered. At the time, only Akane's screams
had mattered. Only now did it occur to her that if Ranko had gotten splashed
by the hot water, _Ranma_ would have had a lot of explaining to do.
 
 [<sigh> Comma after "help" instead of the period. POV established with
Ranko.]

"How is she doctor?" Kasumi asked, having a horribly clear idea of what the
cloud of poisoned nettles could have done to her baby sister. "Her eyes?"
 
 [POV shifted to Kasumi.]
 
 [Hold it! Consistency check! Stonefish poison or nettle juice? Either one
can do real harm, take it from someone who has first-hand experience with
mala mujera.]

"There is some involvement."  Kasumi whitened at the doctors bland
statement, "But, her hands and arms took the worst of it," Chou patted
Kasumi on the shoulder. "and our chief of ophthalmology thinks there's no
permanent damage."
 
 [Doctor's speech followed by Kasumi's reaction, followed by more speech
from the doctor followed by gestures on the doctor's part and none of it
punctuated properly and none of it has a trace of dialogue tagging. In
short, it's a clanking mess that the reader must read several times.]

"Her hands! "Nabiki exclaimed jerkily. "Will she . . .I mean will there be
any problems?" She was worried sick. If anything happened to Akane's hands.
If she were crippled----she didn't know how Akane would handle that.
 
 [POV shifted to Nabiki. Malformed em-dash where there should be an
ellipsis.]

"Stone-Fish toxin causes a great deal of pain, but we got  anti-venom into
your sister very quickly. Unfortunately,  there were other toxins mixed in
as well," The doctor, grimly furious with vivid memories of treating victims
of the Doomsday Cult, had whipped the Tokyo police into a frenzy to catch a
dangerous lunatic, "and those are still causing some problems."
 
 [Another clanking mess lacking proper punctuation and dialogue tagging. POV
appears to have been shifted to Doctor Chou.]

"P . . .problems?" Nabiki felt the room start to spin. "But, she's going to
be Okay? I mean you can give her a shot or a pill or something?"
 
[POV shifted to Nabiki]

"Oh, yes." The doctor assured in the breezy manner of someone who'd never
been seriously ill. "She has an excellent constitution and there is every
reason to believe she will make a complete recovery. Unless there are
complications." He cautioned, whipsawing Nabiki's emotions to the point she
felt ill.
 
 [Use a comma or an exclamation mark after "yes", then take the capital "T"
out of "The doctor". Replace the period after "recovery" with a properly
formed em-dash. What is really wanted here is something like this:
 
 "Oh,yes!" the doctor assured them in the breezy manner of someone who had
never been seriously ill. "She has an excellent constiution and there is
every reason to believe she will make a complete recovery."
 
 Akane's sisters, along with Ranko breathed a collective sigh of relief.
  
  "Unless, of course," the doctor cautioned whipsawing their emtions, "there
are complications."]

"But that ain't likely, is it doc?" Ranko interjected quickly, starting to
get worried by Nabiki's lack of colour. "Akane can come home today, right?"
 
 [I suggest "becoming" instead of "starting to get".]

"Not quite that soon. We want to observe  her for a few days, but there is
every reason to be optimistic.  The pain should subside relatively quickly,
but she's going to itch very badly for several weeks, I'm afraid. And she's
not going to be able to use her hands at all until the swelling goes down
and the outer layer of skin grows back----"
 
 [Replace the malformed em-dash after "back" with a period. There is no
reason for an em-dash here at all that I can see.]

Nabiki had steadily grown paler as the doctors list grew. Kasumi even paler,
if that were possible.
 
 [You finally got the POV where it belongs, in the hands of the Omniscient
Observer. More on this point later.]

"We've covered her eyes to protect them while they heal. And you've got to
keep her from scratching the affected areas or there's risk of scarring or
infection." As he talked the doctor gave them a list of instructions and
several prescriptions to be filled.
 
 [Consistency check! If Akane is staying, why is he giving her kinfolk
perscriptions? Scheduling is badly garbled.]
 
 Okay, I seldom reccommmend the use of the Omniscient Observer's POV, but
this is a scene wherein its use is very nearly mandatory. The reader is
naturally going to be interested in the mental and emotional responses of
each and every one of Akane's supporters. You should have established that
POV at the beginning of the scene and used it throughout.
 
 On the whole, you have done a better job of controlling POV. You have also
reduced the agglomerations we experienced in previous chapters. OTOH, you
still are not doing to terribly well on punctation, especially the
punctuation necessary for dialogue.
 
 More tomorrow, maybe,
  
  Don.


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