Reply ##
##
1]
"queitude" & "frenetic" are perhaps a bit formal? I'd use something
earthier or at least simpler. OTOH, what do I know?
I don't like Harry Potter for the same reason.
Too 'highfalutin' for me.^_*
@@@@
They stay. "High falutin'" ain't a valid complaint in my book. Go buy a
dictionary.
##I'm sorry if I was not clear. IMO this particular word choice 'feels'
odd in relation to the time/place/situation/culture, etc. The words
choice doesn't fit the feeling you are trying to convey. However, as I
said, there are many successful authors with similar styles. I think that
a 'gritty' situation calls for 'gritty' language. I realized that is not a
very precise comment, but it's the best I can do.
####
##
2]
3)All the suspicions Akane had been harboring about Ranko died. This
girl was nothing like the previous copy of Ranma who had come
from a haunted mirror. This was the real Ranma in female form,
deathly afraid of Nodoka. No wonder the girl carried herself with
such pride, and no wonder Ranko looked as though she would melt
every time she looked at Ranma. What other sort of guy
would a girl like Ranma be attracted to?
@@
DR. FRANK N. FURTER:<singing>"I'm just a sweet transvestite . .
."
RANKO: "I'm a GUY! Sort of. . ."
DR. FRANK N. FURTER:<singing> "Why don't you stay for the
night?"
RANKO: "Mommie!"
@@@@
Be clear, Allyn! I try very hard to be clear for you. If this is a wee bit
more risque than you can appreciate, then say so, don't beat around
the goddamned bush about it.
##I did not mean to be confusing. I did not find this section at all
risque, though I found the line "What sort of guy . . ." humorous.
Rather on the order of "Nothing can possibly go wrong.
I DID, as I stated in previous post, find this segment confusing. I did
not see why Akane:
"3) "All the suspicions . . . died."
OR
"No wonder the girl carried herself with such pride,"
OR
"no wonder Ranko . . . melt every time she looked at Ranma."
OR
"What other sort of guy would a girl like Ranma be attracted to?"
{Though I finally untangled that one, the logic still escapes me.}
Finally, I'm not sure that it's axiomatic that Female-Ranma will fall in
love with Male-Ranma, which seems to be the implication of Akane's
thought. It is not the fact that Ranko and Ranma feel an attraction for
each other (David Gerold did it in graphic detail, several times, in "The
Man Who Folded Himself" and Heinlein probably did it best in the
best, IMO, time travel short story ever written) It is simply that this
scene, as written, appears muddled and unconvincing.
####
##
3] A)Bruce Lee is . . . uhhh . . .deceased. Perhaps Jet Li or Jackie
Chan? B) "rape" is jarring. How about "ravish"
He is dead now. What year did he die? I'll have to check.
##
Bruce Lee died at age 32 in Hong Kong. He was buried in Lakeview
Cemetery in Seattle in late July of 1973.
##
OR
" . . . throw him on the ground and explain Price Earning Ratios
to him out of gratitude."
@@@@
Unlikely, even for Nabiki if she were conversing with other girls,
Allyn. They are not the dainty, lily-white flowers you seem to think of
them as being.
##Frankly for what appear to be, approximately, middle to upper
middle class Japanese, that seemed pretty crude. I found it jarring,
perhaps because I ran across actual rape cases as an EMT and on a
short stint in a crisis center. I just don't see the connection between
"rape" and "gratitude". I have heard girls use such language between
themselves. However, they where drug users who'd OD'd, prostitutes
who'd been slashed or shot (on in one case, hit in the face with, I
believe, a piece of concrete block) and others in similar situations.
However, despite my feelings or experiences, it's still only my opinion.
As I've stated, it's up to the author to decide what, if anything s/he
finds useful in a particular set of comments and criticism. If you are
happy with this, that's all that really matters.
####
##
4]Regarding Boris Vallejo:
Why should there be some mention of a person in previous chapters
when there was no reason to bring him up? Would you attach flowers
to an electric motor? I'm curious.
##I'm thinking in terms of "Foreshadowing", especially since you're
introducing:
1)A 'foreign' artist
2)A rather outre solution to financial problems.
In my opinion, a Japanese artist would have fit more easily, but would
still need some preparation. As it stands, there is nothing in this story
to indicate that Ukyou is a fan of Vallejo or fantasy art and certainly
nothing to indicate that Tendou Soun would know who he was and
would immediately understand and fall in with Ukyou's plans. Why
should the reader automatically expect Ukyou (and Akane) and Soun
to know Vallejo anymore than they know Frank Frazetta, Luis Royo
or Gary Wakeham (a Welsh fantasy artist) or Hajime Sorayama, who
at least has the advantage of being Japanese and having painted such
things as "Cutey Honey", and would therefore be more plausibly
known to the Nerima gang, than a foreign artist. Hajime Sorayama
would still need foreshadowing, as would the concept of dressing up
and shooting a calendar, but a Japanese artist would need a bit less. If
Ukyou had suddenly announced that she was a professional jockey
(or race track tout) or and expert in Feng Shui or even a licensed dog
groomer and the Tendou's could solve their money problems by
setting up:
1)betting parlor 2)interior decorating service 3)dog grooming service
If Ukyou said "I've been grooming dogs for years & we can bathe the
dogs in the koi pond." and Soun immediately agreed . . .I'd have
trouble with that, unless there was some sort of foreshadowing. IMO,
there's no difference between dog grooming and suddenly bringing
Boris Vallejo into the conversation, especially when he seems well
enough known to the cast that they'll start dressing up in costume.
Foreshadowing might have been a tiny segment with Ukyou dressing
up for Konatsu, which would tie in with Ukyou's statement in this
chapter.
Again, this is only my opinion plus the reasons behind it.
####
##
5] > 2)I can see how, if they sell, the calendars would bring in money.
Some garden club just did a fund raiser with a 'nude calendar' of
it's members, some of whom looked like they started planting
Victory Gardens in WWI. But, I don't see the connection with
martial arts students joining the doujo, any more than martial art
students go to Vallejo for training.
@@@@
Well, Allyn, you have never worked sales or paid much attention to
television advertising, have you? The United States Army would be
well-advised to use ZZ Top's "Sharp Dressed Man" as a recruiting
video.
##Frankly, if I were looking for a martial arts school, I don't think I
would choose one that had a Boris Vallejo poster (or look-alike) for
advertising. And I've never seen an actually Martial Arts school using
similar advertising. I'm not saying they don't, just that I've never seen
it. Usually they have a dragon or a tiger and talk about the founder of
their school. Or a dagger or sword, and talk about their military/police
experience/ affiliations. Actually I think a better advertisement would
be Soun and Rama vs. the thugs at Tofu's. A nice newspaper article,
some TV time and maybe a few articles in the martial arts news letters
and magazines . . .talking about the techniques, history of the school,
etc.
####
##
6]I would have ordinarily, used multiple POV's in a chapter of this
length, Allyn. The rule is a single POV per scene to make your prose
perform at its optimum. Go check what I have been trying to point out
to you. In this case, I am trying to use POV in a way that have not
used it before.
##Well, I agree, up to a point. It's really a matter of taste.
Although I've tried to clean up some of my more confusing
sections, thanks to your advice, I like a more flexible style. (The
problem as you've shown me is not being so 'stylish' that I'm
unreadable)
I'm not quite to the point where I can write Magic Realism in the
style of Fowles or Gabriel Garcia Marquez ( One Hundred Years of
Solitude, Love in the Time of Cholera) ^_^, but I seem to be trending
in that direction. (Which I would never have expected)
Once again, this is why I stress so heavily that an author has to read
and use C&C critically.
####
##
7]
OVERALL:
I think you went just a weeee bit overboard on Akane's warm
and fuzzy (or would that be brass and leathery) fantasies.
It's cute, some of it's adorable or hilarious (sometimes
both at once) BUT . . .
I think you need to cut a little of that and add more
of Ranma's internal conflict. Otherwise the ending,
at least to me, seems out of place.
Sorry to hear you did not like it, Allyn, but then I did not think you
would. You tend toward the prudish as a critic in my experience. If
others complain, and then depending on how many offer complaint,
##Prudish? You haven't read chapter 24 of "Lure the Tiger" yet. ^_^
"Soft Core Porn" according to one pre-reader.
And I did like the story. You're one of a handful of writers on the
FFML whose writing is of commercial quality, In My Opinion.
In this chapter, I think the story is unbalanced, in Akane's favor. My
preference would have been to show more of Ranma, alternating
between Ranma & Akane.
ONLY make changes if it 'feels' right to you.
As for minority or majority opinion . . . I can only tell you what _I_
think, and try to explain my reasoning as best I can.
####
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