You wrote:

-----

A lone chair floats above a ring of idly chatting computer operators.
In the chair sits a woman apparently in her mid twenties. Her
piercing green eyes and perfectly tanned skin are set off by a
cascade of gleaming white hair. The beauty of her face is currently
disfigured by a look of supreme boredom.

Urk! Drop this tense. It does not work at all for me, and the rest of the
fic isn't like it.

Amused, Urd watched her sister's animated face as she encountered a
minor puzzle, worked out a solution, and went on to the next
challenge.

I used to be like that, she thought, excited with every moment I
spent in this chair. Of course, back then we had REAL problems to
work on. Urd chuckled. Listen to me. I sound like somebody's
grandmother explaining how tough things were back in the "old days"!

The flow of thought dialogue to Urd's actions is a bit too awkward. I'd move
'Urd chuckled' to the end.

"Wow, do you really think so?" Skuld sounded hesitant. "Last time you
dumped the system on me... she thought back to the time Urd had run
off to Earth and left her alone in the heavens.

"Oh, come on. You were just a kid back then." Still are, but I'll
remind you later... after my vacation. "Besides, it's not like there
are any looming issues or anything. The System practically runs
itself these days. It's time you got a chance to be 'Acting System
Administrator', Skuld. Besides, you can always give me a call if
anything critical," translate that to 'interesting', "happens."

I have mixed feelings about the thought dialogue interrupting the actual
dialogue. Again the flow seems stilted and awkward.

"Oh, hello, Urd. What brings you here?" Belldandy greeted her older
sister with characteristic warmth.

Heh. When doesn't she display it except during the worst of times? :)

"Not telling." Actually, I have no idea, but I'll think of something.
"I'm going to get as far away from Yggdrasil Maintenance as I can.
I'm not even going to think about this place."

"Well, I hope you have a nice vacation. Bring back some souvenirs,
OK?"

I recommend spelling out 'okay.' Always keep abbreviations and acronyms to a
minimum.

-----
"What the...!?" Eric's head shot up as chaos enveloped him. "A power
surge?" he asked as he scrambled to his feet.

[I have queried the apartment and there has been no power surge.]

"Huh? Then... wow, what's that?"

An incredibly beautiful woman had stepped out of the blinding chaos
which had been his holovision. The expression of joyful anticipation
which filled her face rapidly faded into one of confusion.

Heh. I see she's somewhat more disruptive with holovisions than TVs. :)

"Hey!" Urd yelled as she collapsed on top of the mortal. Her knee
caught him on the side of the head.

Heh.

"Two."

"Hey, now, just tell me what's going on, OK?"

okay

 Eric changed tactics as

he raised his hands in a calming gesture.

"Don't make me laugh. If you think I'm buying this innocent routine
for one minute..."

"Innocent routine? You're the one in MY apartment, lady!"

Urd started to open her mouth, then shut it. The look in her eyes was
now deadly. "Three."

*FZAK!*

Eric wavered on his feet for a moment, then crumpled to the floor.

Well, she did warn him.

She found one in the kitchen and dialed a number. "Hello... hey,
whaddaya mean I dialed a number that isn't in service?" she barked at
the standard recording from the phone company. She dialed again with
the same result before slamming her fist down on the disconnect
button.

Hmm.

"Wow, the malfunction must be worse than I thought. This is beginning
to look serious," Urd said, turning to the unconscious man on the
floor, "Maybe I'm lucky I ended up here after all. If the phones
don't work I can't expect any help from Heaven, so Mr. whiz kid

Whiz Kid (it's a proper name she's giving him, even if it isn't his)

 >

Eric began very carefully inching away. Once there was a hopefully
safe distance between himself and the impossible woman,

Heh. The name invokes images of Marvel's 'Impossible Man.' Believe me, he
looks nothing like Urd. :)

Not saying you should change it, it's just my reaction.

he began

collecting his thoughts - not an easy task with a battle being waged
all around you. OK,

Okay

You are using that a lot. I'd cut back on the usage. You could drop it here
and no one would miss it.

now, let's look at this logically. Could we both

be hallucinating? Could we have taken a massive shock from the
malfunctioning holo and now we're delirious?

What? Never experimented with acid? Could attribute it to a flashback.

[My diagnostics report proper function. Your brain patterns are
within normal parameters considering the circumstances. House reports
no malfunction."

Eric sneaked another glance at the impossible woman.

You already called her that. I would drop the 'impossible' here.

Urd sighed, settling back into her chair and looked critically at him
for a moment. Apparently reaching a conclusion, she said "OK,

And another.

 it

looks like I owe you an apology, Donovan. I thought you might be
behind this crazy business about me being cut off from Heaven and,
well, I guess I lost my cool for a bit there."

Heaven? Cut off from Heaven? Eric's eyes took on a glazed look.

Might have him wonder just how insane she truly is. :)

"I'm stranded here on this primitive mud ball of a planet in this
backwater dimension! THAT's the emergency!"

"Dimension?" Why do I have this sense of impending doom?

That would be your intuition kicking in.

Something like steam rose from the autochef and immediately condensed
into a peculiar looking little man, maybe 20cm

better off spelling it out here. 'Twenty centimeters...'

"Good." Urd released the little creature which immediately bounded
back to the autochef and disappeared.

She turned to Eric. "Now do you believe me?"

"Wh... what was that?"

[Insufficient data.] Even his AI sounded shaken.

Heh

"That was one of the spirits that run your autochef, of course. What
did you think it was?"

"Run the autochef. But... "

probably need a question mark after autochef.

Can you verify this memory loss thing? Eric asked his AI.

[It will take some time to perform the necessary cross-checks.]

Urd:  Your AI can't help you. She gave orders to the troll running it not to
snitch on her as well.

"Oh, there are lots of ways. Seals are tricky things. They have to be
made specifically for the thing being sealed. If we could, for
example, change your nature the seal would be weakened, perhaps even
break."

"What do you mean, change my nature?" Eric asked nervously.

Urd began removing her clothing. "Well, you're a virgin. Let's change that
part of your nature, shall we?"

"I've always wanted to try something like this," she continued. "You
see, if someone is sealed with a powerful artifact, the seal may fail
due to the interaction between the seal and the artifact. Now, of
course your memory wasn't sealed with an artifact, but we may be able
to weaken the seal by introducing something of great power into your
memory.

extra line break there

Eric hurried after her. "OK, but there really are lots of nicer
places to stay around here."

Urd turned and gave him a level stare. "I'm not letting you out of my
sight until I'm safely back in Heaven, Donovan. You could be run over
by a bus tomorrow, and then where would I be?"

Donovan: I don't know about you, but hopefully I'd end up where you want to
go.

It occurs to me, Urd can just kill herself and end up in Heaven that way,
right? :)

"But it's just four bare walls."

"That's not a problem."

Eric looked at Urd, who returned a very condescending smirk. "OK,

Another 'Okay'. And there was one earlier in the scene, but I didn't mention
it because it seemed an appropriate place. I'd still cut 3/4 of them.

Urd stared at her room for a moment, then sighed. "This was supposed
to be my vacation. I never dreamed I'd be spending it in a place like
this."

"Well, Berkeley isn't exactly a vacation spot,

More like an asylum where the inmates were tuned loose. Yep.

over the cork which removed itself from the bottle then settled onto
a counter.

She took a sniff and closed her eyes. "This is just what the doctor
ordered. You got a... of course not," she added as a shot glass
appeared in her hand.

Hmm. I thought Urd usually drank from the bottle since she doesn't share,
nor does she not finish the bottle. :)

What kind of discrepancy?

[I have no data and no cross references to events over a period of 18
days in my past.]

Thought so.

"It's Urd, but we're--"

"Now, now, no excuses. If she's anything like Belldandy, she must be
a lovely girl.

Urd: Hey! I resent the implication that I'm a goody-two shoes like her.

I can't wait to meet her!"

"Um, Autochef?" he began hesitantly, his hand frozen just short of
the control panel. Boy, I feel like an idiot talking this thing, but
still... "I promise to take better care of you in the future, but I
need to eat my breakfast now. Is that OK?"

another. I won't bring it up anymore. But I'd cut them

"Oh, this will do," she said. "Where's that bottle of Wild Turkey?"

"I don't think it's a good thing to drink something like that for
breakfast."

"I don't remember asking for your opinion."

Donovon: Hell, if I waited for people to ask for my opinion, I'd never give
it to anyone.

Urd rolled her eyes. "I suppose you've never had anything break down
on you for no good reason?"

"Well sure, but I never put it down to stubborn trolls."

"Then you've learned something today, haven't you?"

Heh

"But... an autochef's operation is based on the physical laws of the
universe."

Urd: Yes. Trolls usually obey them too. But not always. After all, laws are
made to be broken.

"There's more than one way of looking at the universe, Donovan.
You'll limit yourself if you insist upon a strictly empirical
viewpoint."

"I suppose... oh, here we are!" Eric said, motioning toward the
grocery store.

Inside, Urd squeezed past the potato chips and beef jerky

Eh? They had so many she had to squeeze past the displays?

"Nah, Peeps are virtually indestructible."

True

"Eric, you have a gorgeous girl in your apartment! You can impress
her with your physical prowess! Make her think you're really a jock
instead of a no life geek! She'll love a day at the beach!"

"What do you mean, no life geek? Besides, she isn't that kind--"

"Beach?" Urd's voice came from beside Eric, causing him to jump.

Now she's gone and done it.

Insteresting little bit. Feels like a set up for more things in the future.
Will look forward to more. Aside the okay thing, ran smoothly. A bit minimal
in descriptions, but that's okay.

D.B. Somme



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