We now present, Condensed Anime Fanfic Theater! We here at CAFT (and by we
I mean me, Rann Aridorn) feel that it is not merely enough to provide
"Book-A-Minute" style renditions of individual fanfics or series, and now
bring to you entire GENRES of fanfiction condensed down for your reading
pleasure!
And now, Condensed Anime Fanfic Theater! We remind our viewers that all
products of CAFT are cliches and conventions exaggerated or taken to
ridiculous levels. No insult is intended, nor should it be taken. ^^
This week on CAFT: Ranma!
GENERAL RANMA FANFICTION:
Ranma: "Akane, I suddenly realize I love you, and want to tell you
immediately."
Akane: "I love you too, and have no problem telling you this. Let's get
married right away, all our problems will be solved."
Shampoo: "I'll be a bitch of such massive proportions it would make
Takahashi go 'THE FUCK?!'. I mean, Shampoo kill!"
Ukyo: "I'll roll over and be good so fast you'd think I'd been sent to
obedience school."
Kodachi: "I won't even show up, and if I do, I'll be an easily-dealt-with
and ridiculous nuisance."
Nabiki: "I rule the world in secret. I'll destroy Shampoo and the Amazons
by having their restaurant closed by health inspectors I bribed and have
them deported by immigration officials I bribed."
Cologne: "Despite the fact that I'm hundreds of years old, and the
matriarch of an entire society, I have been easily overthrown by a Japanese
high school student. Curses."
Ranma: "We're married now."
Akane: "Our only problems will come from the stupid and evil Amazons, who
will be easily defeated."
Ukyo: "I'll defend your marriage to my dying breath."
Author: "Look how canon I am!"
RANMA YAOI FICTION:
Ranma: "I've always loved you, Ryoga."
Ryoga: "I've always loved you, Ranma."
Akane: "Bitch bitch bitch whine whine whine hate hate hate homophobia
homophobia homophobia."
RANMA ANGSTFIC:
Akane: "I'm dead."
Ranma: "It's all my fault."
Shampoo: "I don't care that Akane's dead or Ranma's miserable, I'm going to
make my move anyway."
Ukyo: "I will stop Shampoo, and never go after Ranma again out of respect."
Kodachi: "I'm not here. If I am, I'm a homicidal maniac."
RANMA ANGSTFIC (Yaoi Type):
Ranma: "I've always loved you, Ryoga."
Ryoga: "I've always loved you, Ranma."
Akane: "I AM AN EVIL BITCH! I WANT TO DESTROY YOUR LOVE! DIE RANMA!"
Ranma: "Ow." (dies horribly)
Ryoga: "Woe."
Author: "Praise me or I'll kill myself."
RANMA LEMONFIC (Type One):
Ranma: "Akane, let's have sex."
Akane: "We've always been having sex."
Ranma: "Akane, let's have some more sex."
Shampoo: "I'm a huge slut! I'll sleep with Mousse and then be cruel to him!"
Ukyo: "I am an innocent virgin. I think oral sex is dirty and doggy style
is degrading. I'll probably have them done to me anyway."
Kodachi: "CALL ME MISTRESS! My entire gymnastics team does!"
Kasumi: "I've had more men than Elton John." ^o^
Nabiki: "Hello, Prostitute's Union...?"
RANMA LEMONFIC (Type Two):
Ranma: "Uh-oh, I'm trapped in female form, and suddenly helpless to stop
men from molesting me."
Ryoga: (molests Ranma)
Kuno: (molests Ranma)
Shampoo: (molests Ranma)
Ukyo: "Poor Ranma, I feel so sorry for you. I'll try to help!" (molests Ranma)
Nabiki: "Sure, I'll find a cure." (molests Ranma, sells tapes of it,
doesn't find a cure)
Akane: "Don't look at me! I hate sex! I'm a prude!"
RANMA LEMONFIC (Type Three):
Ranma: "Well, time to make the rounds."
Ukyo: (gets sexed up by Ranma)
Shampoo: (gets sexed up by Ranma)
Akane: (gets sexed up by Ranma)
Kodachi: (gets sexed up by Ranma)
Kasumi: (gets sexed up by Ranma)
Nabiki: "Pay me." (gets sexed up by Ranma)
RANMA LEMONFIC (Romantic Type):
Ranma: "We're married now."
Akane: "Let's have sex."
(They have sex like seasoned porn stars.)
Ranma: "That was good sex."
Akane: "I want to love both your forms." (Douses Ranma with cold water)
Shampoo: "Mousse, despite the fact that you're a creepy stalker who
disgusts me, I love you now that Ranma's married. Do me."
Mousse: "If I must."
Ukyo: "Ryoga, I am inexplicably in love with you now that Ranma's taken. Do
me."
Ryoga: "Woohoo!"
RANMA LEMONFIC (Yaoi Type):
Ranma: "I've always loved you, Ryoga."
Ryoga: "I've always loved you, Ranma."
(They have sex with so many swirly backgrounds and love-sparkles that
Sailor Moon sues for copyright infringement. Five times.)
Shampoo & Ukyo: "Oh well, can't fight fate."
Akane: "BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH GRIPE GRIPE GRIPE GRIPE HOMOPHOBIAx1000000!"
Author: "Praise me or I'll leave forever, you ungrateful bitches."
RANMA LEMONFIC (Yaoi Type 2):
Ranma: "I've always loved you, Ryoga."
Ryoga: "I've always loved you, Ranma."
(They have sex that would make veterans of bondage clubs shout "THAT AIN'T
RIGHT!")
Akane: "Aw, I always hoped they'd get together. C'mon, shnookums."
Ukyo: "Okay, cutie patootie."
RANMA LEMONFIC (Angsty Yaoi Type):
Ryoga: "Despite being the strongest person in the entire series, I am
absolutely unable to stop anyone that wants to from raping me to tears."
Cast Males, Anonymous Men, and Tentacle Monsters: (Rape Ryoga to tears)
RANMA CROSSOVER (Type 1):
Female Member of Other Cast: "Your father engaged me to you, Ranma."
Ranma: "Dang."
FMoOC: "Or, he didn't. But now he has."
Ranma: "Dang."
RANMA CROSSOVER (Type 2):
Ranma Cast: "Hello!"
Other Cast: "Hello!"
Ranma Cast & Other Cast: "We are interacting!"
Minor Characters: "Don't forget, we're here too! Every last one of us!"
Author: "I'm such a frickin' genius."
RANMA CROSSOVER (Lemon):
Females of Other Cast(s): "We want you, Ranma!"
Ranma: "Hot damn." (Has sex with every last one)
RANMA CROSSOVER (Relationship):
Females of Multiple Other Casts: "We want you, Ranma."
Ranma: "Oh well." (Dates every last one)
RANMA EPICFIC:
Ranma: "La la la, normal life, normal life."
(Shit happens)
Ranma: "Time to go on a journey."
(More shit happens)
Ranma: "Time to kick some ass."
(Ranma kicks everyone in the universe's ass and gets his girl of choice)
Ranma: "I am a martial arts god."
Author: "I am a fanfiction god."
RANMA EPICFIC (Angst Type):
Akane: (dies)
Ranma: "Time to go on a journey."
(More shit happens)
Ranma: "Time to kick some ass."
(Ranma kicks everyone in the universe's ass and either resurrects Akane or
gets over her)
Ranma: "I am a martial arts god."
Author: "I am a fanfiction god."
RANMA EPICFIC (Jim Bader Type):
Ranma: "Duh."
Shampoo + Any Girl But Akane and Ukyo: "We love you, Ranma, and we want you
and each other."
Ranma: "Guh!" ^o^
Akane: "I hate Ranma. Ukyo, sleep with me."
Ukyo: "Um, no."
Akane: "Yes!"
Ukyo: *sigh* "Okay."
Every Bad Guy In The Ranmaverse: "Die, Ranma!"
Ranma: "Buh!" >_< (Kicks all their asses)
Bad Guys: "Ow. We shall never trouble you again."
Crossover Cameos: "All girls from our series are doin' it! WOO!"
RANMA EPICFIC (John Biles Type):
Ranma: "I be pimpin' it! Wooha!"
Akane: "Me too! Hurry up and go sex up Ukyo while I make time with Ryoga."
Ukyo: "Hm, let me fit you in between a few sessions with Tsubasa."
Daleks: "Exterminate. Exterminate."
Biles: "I AM GOD OF YOU ALL! MOOOOOWAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Shampoo: (stares around vacantly, drooling)
Every Sci-Fi Reference In History: "WIBBIDY WOO! WAPPA! SIM SIM SALABIM!"
RANMA SPAMFIC SERIES (Trakal/Sephiroth Type):
(Parody has been rendered non-applicable in that any attempt to summarize
and mock the events might actually plagiarize one.)
RANMA FIC (Rann Aridorn Type):
Ukyo: "Shampoo, my love!"
Shampoo: "Ukyo, airen!"
Ranma: "That's just ridiculous. C'mon, Ryoga."
Ryoga: "Yes, schnookums."
RANMA EPICFIC (Stephen Gagnes Type):
Twoflower: "... Don't look at me, I don't write this crap. ... Anymore."
RANMA FUSION (Type 1):
Ranma: "Despite vast differences in history and setting, I am still engaged
to all my fiances."
Other Castmembers: "We are cast in roles that are not necessarily most
appropriate for our histories and personalities, but we will nevertheless
have the same personalities and personal interactions despite the vast
difference in background."
Ranma: "Did I mention that I'm pretty much the biggest badass alive, and
cannot be defeated? Cool."
RANMA FUSION (Type 2):
Ranma: "I am female. Always have been. Despite this, I will be almost
entirely similar in personality and mannerisms, with the possible exception
of being promiscuous with both sexes."
Other Castmembers: "Despite Ranma being female, we will all have much the
same personal dynamics, interactions, and opinions of him, and mostly
similar personal history."
Ranma: "Oh, and I'm still the biggest badass alive, except now I'm a sexy
bitch while I'm doing my badass stuff. Worship me."
RANMA SELF-INSERT (Type 1):
Author: "I can easily solve everyone's problems!"
Cast: "Wow, thanks!"
Author: "I have now meddled with your universe so that it conforms to my
personal preferences."
Cast: "Wow, thanks!"
RANMA SELF-INSERT (Type 2):
Author: "I can easily solve everyone's problems!"
Cast: "Wow, thanks!"
Author: "All except you. You, I'm keeping for myself, and I shall vilify
and destroy your canon/fanon matchup to assure my place as your true love."
Preferred Castmember: "God, you're so dreamy."
Author: "Yes, I know."
RANMA SELF-INSERT (I'm So Clever I'll Avoid Conventional Self-Insert
Cliches Type):
Author: "I am either powerless, or demonstrate early on that I have
weaknesses. I'm not bad."
Cast: "Aw. We love you!"
Author: "Thanks guys. I wouldn't change a thing."
Cast: "Aw. We love you!"
RANMA SELF-INSERT (Mocking Self-Inserts Type 1):
Author: "I can easily solve everyone's problems!"
Cast: "DIE!"
Author: "Eep." (Is beaten senseless)
Author-Author: "Ha HA, take that, self-insert writers!"
RANMA SELF-INSERT (Mocking Self-Inserts Type 2):
Author: "I will not solve all their problems, I will instead screw around
with them using the methods other self-insert characters usually use."
Cast: "Woe."
Author-Author: "Hot damn I'm amusing!"
RANMA FIRST-PERSON REFLECTIONS:
Ranma Castmember: "I will give a long-winded, philosophical ramble while
not directly revealing who I am. At the end, I will reveal who I am, even
if it is in direct contradiction to the tone, sentiments, or personality I
actually have."
Author: "I'm sooooo fucking clever!"
RANMA COMEDY SPAMFIC:
Akane: (Serious statement phrased oddly)
Ranma: (Question)
Akane: (Annoyed explanation)
Ranma: (Acknowledgement of understanding, departure)
Akane: (Action that is in retrospect obvious)
RANMA YURI FICTION:
(SEX)
That's it for this edition of CAFT! If I missed some types of Ranma
fiction, don't worry, they may yet get covered in another edition!
... Please don't kill me.
~Fin
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