Heya,
Was planning to do some C&C for you to pay you back for all you've done for
me, then Eric goes and catches most of the things I was gonna comment on. :p
Anyway, here's a few comments, for what it's worth. Hope this helps! My own
opinion, of course...
Akane had almost blurted out that this was not the first time Ranma
had killed someone, but caught herself in time. How on earth do you explain
to a normal person, even he is a soldier, about Safuron? she had asked
herself. The inability explain such things worried her.
There are a couple of times when you mix in Akane's thoughts to a
descriptive paragraph. Without any sort of notation to set it apart, it was
somewhat jarring to my ears. I'd suggest either seperating it into a
seperate paragraph, or use some signs like <> or (). I'll try and point out
the rest.
[Yes, I know. I have gone back and found most such instances. I will,
however, double check to make sure that I have corrected the ones you have
flagged here.]
Ranko immediately rolled over and began sobbing into Akane's
shoulder. Akane sighed and held the girl close. Ranko was cuddly, like the
children Akane had been comforting all day. So is Ranma when he's having
this particular nightmare, Akane thought. Dragons and gods could line up to
take turns fighting him, or all of them could jump on him at the same time
and Ranma would barely blink an eye, yet one cross look from his mother
would turn him into a hopeless wreck. Akane sighed as she held Ranko a
little closer, then went back to sleep.
Another location where this happens. What exactly is Akane's direct
thoughts, and what is narrative? It's a little hard for me to tell unless I
re-read it several times. Not sure if this is proper English, just telling
how it sounds to my ears.
Suggest: Ranko was cuddly, like the children Akane had been comforting all
day. <So is Ranma when he's having this particular nightmare,> Akane
thought.
(Snip)
Akane managed to smile at Shampoo while suppressing a shudder. I
wonder if the bimbo has figured out that her girl-type airen is also her
greatest competition? Probably not, Akane thought. If she had, she would be
chasing Ranko all over town with a pair of bonbori by now.
Once more, Akane's direct thoughts are mixed in. Is that last sentence
narrative, or a direct thought?
Suggest: <I wonder if the bimbo has figured out that her girl-type airen is
also her greatest competition?> Akane thought. <Probably not.>
Again, this is just the notation I use, though it screws me up when I post
to ff.net.
(Snip)
A jet liner rumbled overhead, the sound of its engines
exceptionally
distinct. Akane suddenly realized what it was that her ears were missing.
It
was the sound of traffic. There was no rubber on the roads, no clatter from
the nearby rails.
I'll have to agree with Eric here, and I like his suggestion. Putting a
colon in there makes it sound better to my ears. Or putting the sentence "It
was the sound of traffic." in a paragraph by itself(to put emphasis on it),
though I'd tend to go for the colon after "missing:" As it is, that sentence
seems almost like a fragment to me.
It is a fragment, but it won't be for long.
"I am become Akane!"
This unexpected shout was followed by the sounds of breaking
pottery.
Nabiki? Akane thought. What the devil?
"Destroyer of Kitchens!" Nabiki shouted. Then came another series of
crashes.
Heh, I like this bit with Nabiki. Gave me a few chuckles, thanks! =D
"Yeah, well, the emergency is over with," Akane said with a giggle.
"I guess falling back into her normal character came as a shock."
NABIKI: Well, I'm OOC in other fics so often, then it *is* a shock to come
back to my normal self.
^_^
Nabiki is fun to write for.
Akane gave Ukyou a grin, suddenly very happy that she and Ranma's
oldest friend were no longer rivals. Akane had Konatsu to thank for that.
The quiet, self-effacing little ninja had somehow crept into Ukyou's heart
without anyone, Ukyou least of all, noticing until it was too late. Once
their rivalry for Ranma's affections had ended, Akane had found Ukyou to be
an enormous amount of fun to be around, just as she had expected she would.
She liked Ukyou for the very same reasons she had feared Ranma might fall
for the girl. No matter what happened, Ukyou's sunny disposition always
broke through the clouds of adversity, cheering everyone around her. Making
people happy was something that came naturally to Ukyou.
This paragraph brings up a point that I don't think has been dealt with yet,
or maybe I missed it. How long after the manga does this take place? It
seems like quite a bit of time, since Ukyo seems to have mostly gotten over
Ranma. I don't think you need to be specific, and again I might have missed
it.
Just a random thought. :)
"You mean girls that look like Shampoo!"
"Sort of," Ukyou said with a nod, "but they usually wear a little
less than Shampoo."
"How can they be wearing armor and still have on less than what
Shampoo runs around in?"
Another Random thought, but I don't get the impression from the manga that
Shampoo runs around with little on. True, she doesn't seem to care much
about nudity, but she does where something, she seems decently-clothed. Her
standard battle outfit covers everything except hands and head. I almost
wonder if this is fanon (Shampoo constantly running around with little on),
more than canon, but I suppose it's up to you.
Anyway, just something I though I'd throw out.
Oh, it isn't up to me by any means. This is Akane thinking about Shampoo.
Remember how Shampoo dressed during her first few appearances? I just
imagine Akane has had a difficult time getting that out of her head.
Battle of Kenseizan? Did I miss something again? I've usually been reading
these as they come out on the ffml, but I think I need to go back and
re-read the earlier parts, since I tend to be absentminded and forget
things.
I suppose I should change this to "Jusendou", but the most dangerous parts
of that final fight in Volume 38 took place on Kenseizan, the mountain in
which Jusendou had been dug.
Over the course of the year following their non-wedding, Akane had
reached the point of not caring what form Ranma was in at any particular
Ah, so it's a year after the Manga ends, then?
Yeah, something like that. Who knows for sure? Takahashi is pretty iffy on
schedule, so I figure Ranma and Akane should have known each other for two
years by the time this story starts. CtCD assumes that the original series
took longer than a year. Scratch any two Ranma1/2 readers at random, you are
liable to get two different answers about how long the original series was
in "canon time".
Intermixed thought and narrative again. I dunno, maybe it's a stylistic
difference, and maybe it's completely acceptable, but it seems a little off
base to me.
No, you are absolutely correct. This is not a good way to handle things. I
will fix it.
Much to her horror, Akane realized that she was
starting to blush again. She glanced around the table. Everyone was too
busy
eating to notice. Thank my lucky stars that Nabiki is out of it, Akane
thought. She never misses anything and almost never fails to ask about it
at
the worst possible moment.
I don't think anyone actually realizes they are blushing. Usually they just
feel they're cheeks start to heat up or something. I'd suggest a minor
change here, but it's a minor point. Up to you, though.
Oh, I don't know. You usually know when you are blushing, you just don't
ordinarily think of it those words. Women, on the other hand, are always
acutely aware of how they look and worry about it constantly and Akane is
more prone to be aware of her appearance than most, so I have her being
aware of when she is blushing.
A couple things confuse me here. Is she really considering marrying both of
them? Even if she wants them both, the best she can get is the marry Ranma
and take Ranko as a mistress. Anyway, suggest: "Akane began hurrying toward
Ranma and Ranko" or something like that.
Well, if she marries Ranma, and Ranko and Ranma are basically the same
person...Now what? See the confusion? Obviously you did because you brought
this up, but it is a reflection of Akane's state of mind. Were I in her
shoes, I'd be as confused all get out as well.
Also, I'd suggest changing that last sentence to: "Defending people like
that is what we have trained all our lives to do!" As it sounds above, it
makes me think that "Challenging the Yakuza and killing them" is what Akane
thinks they've been training to do.
And the difference is?
Still, you could probably disregard both of these, though. Up to you.
"Sit!"
Ranma shook his head no.
"Sit down, Saotome! Now!"
Ranma breathed out a huge sigh as he sat down. Ranko straddled his
legs and sat down in his lap.
I guess I'm a little confused about Ranko and the way she's acting. I'm keep
thinking female-Ranma, yet she's acting a little too girly for that, and
doing things that Ranma usually wouldn't, like this scene above. I don't
think I have a real problem with it yet, because it appears she is becoming
her own person. I guess I'm waiting on the "how" and "why", which has yet to
be revealed.
You should be confused. The characters are confused. Sometimes, the author
of this little nightmare is confused. The premises upon which the yarn is
based are confusing. That's half the fun.
Anyway, not much else to say. Good piece all around, and your fics are
always a pleasure to read. Just fix up the minor errors already pointed out,
and clear up the Akane thoughts and narrative sections. Hope my commentary
helps!
The fixes are underway. I shoved this one out the door too quickly. Chalk
that up to me trying to write fiction between bouts of writing code. Both
code and fiction suffer when I try to do that.
As always, though, feel free to ignore me, as I'm not real smart. Ask
anyone! ^_^
I never ignore. I may elect to not act upon your advice, but you can bet I
gave it some thought before making a decision.
Thanks for the feedback, Brad,
Don.
Brad
www.geocities.com/kaiphantom2000
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