I was going to MST this, until my wife reminded me that I
have a sense of humor appreciated only by an extinct race
of sentient jelly-fish living on a planet orbiting Bernard's Star;
said jelly fish also being fond of "Cop Rock" and the Japanese
production of "Gone With the Wind, the Musical".

(Which may go a long way toward explaining their extinction)

 
If she hadn't, I would have.

So, I'm just going to hit a few high spots:

1)Nabiki had always been something  of a pill <Pill? 1920's slang>

   bejeweled diadem

  bejeweled gewgaws

falling into a burning ring of fire <I flashed on Johnny Cash when I read
that.)

@@Just a few examples, but every now and then some 'odd' slang or images
show up. (Or duplicates, as in "bejeweled")
@@@@

 
I think you'll find most of that rectified in Revision 1, which I shipped
out to FFML as your C&C came in.

2)Akane suddenly realized what it was that her ears were missing. It
was the sound of traffic. There was no rubber on the roads, no clatter from
the nearby rails. Nerima was ordinarily a sea of white noise, most of which
was created by the sound of people and their machines scurrying about their
business for the day. It struck her as funny that such quietude could seem
so very wrong, but it definitely felt wrong. Tokyo had not the time for
quiet. She was a great city and the frenetic was her norm, her surest sign
of good health. The distinct call of birds rivaled only by the buzzing trill
of cicadas was, for Tokyo, a sure sign that trouble had arrived and done its
worst. Akane shuddered despite the heat.

@@
A)you've got two "she/her" in this, Akane & Tokyo. I got a little confused on
first reading.

 
I think this is fixed now.

B) "queitude" & "frenetic" are perhaps a bit formal? I'd use something
earthier or at least simpler. OTOH, what do I know?
I don't like Harry Potter for the same reason.
Too 'highfalutin' for me.^_*
@@@@

 
They stay. "High falutin'" ain't a valid complaint in my book. Go buy a
dictionary.
 

3)All the suspicions Akane had been harboring about Ranko died. This
girl was nothing like the previous copy of Ranma who had come from a haunted
mirror. This was the real Ranma in female form, deathly afraid of Nodoka. No
wonder the girl carried herself with such pride, and no wonder Ranko looked as
though she would melt every time she looked at Ranma. What other sort of guy
would a girl like Ranma be attracted to?

@@ 
DR. FRANK N. FURTER:<singing>"I'm just a sweet transvestite . . ."

RANKO:                             "I'm a GUY! Sort of. . ."

DR. FRANK N. FURTER:<singing> "Why don't you stay for the night?"

RANKO:                            "Mommie!"
@@@@

 
Be clear, Allyn! I try very hard to be clear for you. If this is a wee bit
more risque than you can appreciate, then say so, don't beat around the
goddamned bush about it.

"Well, congratulations, Nodoka," Akane said softly to the damp night.
"Your son is so manly she can barely keep her hands off of himself. I hope
you're pleased."

@@And . . .I'm confused. I'm not sure about the cause/effect connected with:
a) "the girl carried herself with such pride"
b) "she would melt every time she looked at Ranma"
and
Nodoka? 
Or 
"What other sort of guy would a girl like Ranma be attracted to?"

And . . . I _think_ I understand you're being sarcastic, but I don't
understand:
"Your son is so manly she can barely keep her hands off of himself."

I'm guessing this has something to do with narcissism, but I'm not sure,
considering everything else.
@@@@

 
Yes, it has everything to do with narcissism.

4)
"Please, Mommy! Please!" Ranko whimpered.

"It's okay, baby," Akane said in a soft loving voice. . ."

AND

"I'm so tired, Mommy," Nabiki complained in little girl voice, still
fast asleep.

"I know, Baby," Ukyou whispered, then kissed Nabiki's forehead . . ."


@@IMO, these two scenes are too similar and too close together.
@@@@

 
So far, this is the first such complaint on this point that I have received.
I will, therefore, invite the opinion of other readers. How say ye, FFML?

5)"Nabiki says that if she ever meets Bruce Lee, she's going
to throw him on the ground and rape him out of gratitude."

@@
A)Bruce Lee is . . . uhhh . . .deceased. Perhaps Jet Li or Jackie Chan?
B) "rape" is jarring. How about "ravish"

 
He is dead now. What year did he die? I'll have to check.
 

OR
" . . . throw him on the ground and explain Price Earning Ratios
to him out of gratitude."
@@@@

 
Unlikely, even for Nabiki if she were conversing with other girls, Allyn.
They are not the dainty, lily-white flowers you seem to think of them as
being.

6)
"That's kinda what I thought," Ukyou said, rubbing her chin
speculatively. "Nabiki handles the money, right?"

Akane's eyes widened with shock at the realization of what Ukyou had
just deduced. 

@@Ummm . . .why is Akane shocked? And what has Ukyou
deduced? That Nabiki handles the money? That doesn't seem to
warrant shock. Nor take much deductive ability.
@@@@

 
We are talking about a girl who tends to focus on her own concerns to the
point of being obsessive. How much consideration did you give to family
finances at age 17-19?

7)"Have you ever seen any artwork done by that Vallejo guy?"

@@
1)I did a quick global search of previous chapters and couldn't
find mention of Boris Vallejo. IMO, Hajime Sorayama (he does
mostly Gynoids, but I think it's workable in context) or some other
'native' artist. In any event, some mention of Ukyou and especially
Tendou Soun being afficionados of Artist X in earlier chapters. Perhaps an
art book or an original painting on the wall or something to
set the stage. This just sort of seemed to drop out of nowhere.

 
Why should there be some mention of a person in previous chapters when there
was no reason to bring him up? Would you attach flowers to an electric
motor? I'm curious.

2)I can see how, if they sell, the calendars would bring in money.
Some garden club just did a fund raiser with a 'nude calendar' of
it's members, some of whom looked like they started planting
Victory Gardens in WWI. But, I don't see the connection with
martial arts students joining the doujo, any more than martial art
students go to Vallejo for training.
@@@@

 
Well, Allyn, you have never worked sales or paid much attention to
television advertising, have you? The United States Army would be
well-advised to use ZZ Top's "Sharp Dressed Man" as a recruiting video.

8)Akane watched her go, wondering how on earth Nodoka planned to wash
the laundry without running water . . .

@@The Japanese are used to this, between Floods, Typhoons and Earthquakes.
I included a few URL's at the end. However, This section had a more Western
than Japanese feel. (Also included a humorous URL on cleaning in Japan)
@@@@

 
I'm sure the folks living outside Tokyo are accustomed to such practices to
one degree or another. The probability that any significant fraction of
Tokyo's population washes clothing in such a manner strikes me as
improbable, but then Japan has surprised me before on similar subjects. As I
recall, Tendo-ke is equipped with a washing machine. However, either they do
not have a dryer, or Kasumi prefers air-dried clothing, because she is
frequently depicted hanging laundry on a clothesline. I seriously doubt that
Akane, or even very many girls her age have had to use a washboard and tub.

9)It was their little game of smuggled romance that they had fallen into.

@@Also added a few URL's on kissing & public displays of affection in
Japan that you might find interesting.

I know we disagree on this point, but I would have preferred a few
different POV's in this one. Especially more of Ranma's internal
struggle over killing.  Otherwise his 'breakdown' at the end seems
too abrupt to me. You don't have to go to the extremes
of Magic Realism like John  Fowles in England.
(I'm working from memory, but I _think_ he
changed not only POV but tense within one paragraph in "Daniel Martin)
but a little switching POV can make the flow a bit more dynamic.
@@@@

 
I would have ordinarily, used multiple POV's in a chapter of this length,
Allyn. The rule is a single POV per scene to make your prose perform at its
optimum. Go check what I have been trying to point out to you. In this case,
I am trying to use POV in a way that have not used it before.

10)"I want...Oh, Buddha help me! I want them both and I want them
both in the most perverted way, . . ."

@@
AKANE: <reading clipboard> "Two 55gal drums of Crisco, one gross
nipple clamps, assorted colours; one dozen Penis Rings, adjustable;
two Penis Gags, inflatable glow-in-the dark; Gerbils . . .Gerbils . . .
HEY, I ordered gerbils! Where are my gerbils?"

UPS MAN(Universal Perverts Service): "No gerbils lady. We got some
nice badgers?"

UKYOU: <carrying a naked Ranko and Ranma, superglued head-to-tail, over her
shoulder> "Badgers? We don't need no stinking Badgers!"
@@@@

" . . .but I don't want anyone else to notice!"

@@
KASUMI: "Then don't mate at the breakfast table."
NABIKI: "Don't mate ON the breakfast table."
AKANE/UKYOU: "How about _under_ the table?"
@@@@

 
Allyn, please take note that there is a marked difference between what Akane
is struggling with emotionally, and her overall behavior.

11)@@Ryuu Kumon & Ryouga just sort of showed up
at the table w/o sitting down?
@@@@

 
Yes, well I do apologize. If you will go back and read chapter five, you
will discover that they were described as being at the table during this
same period. One must choose how much detail to cover when overlapping the
same events from differing points of view.

12) "Why does the idea of her wearing a brass bra trip me
out so much?"

@@
UKYOU: "Ooooooooo. . . .cold, cold, cold!"

AKANE: "Let's go outside where it's sunny."

UKYOU: "AHHHHH . . . HOTHOTHOTHOT!"

AKANE: "Well, that didn't work. OK, take off the bra
and the chain-mail bikini."

NABIKI:< reading latest Museum Replicas catalogue> "It says here that
when you buy mail armor, they suggest you also get an arming coat
and hood - -

AKANE: "Let me help you with the bikini - -

UKYOU: "AAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

NABIKI: "- - so you don't get your hair caught in the links."

KASUMI: <handing tray to Ukyou> "Iodine, styptic pencil and a large
glass of brandy."
@@@@

@@
OVERALL:
I think you went just a weeee bit overboard on Akane's warm
and fuzzy (or would that be brass and leathery) fantasies.
It's cute, some of it's adorable or hilarious (sometimes
both at once) BUT . . .
I think you need to cut a little of that and add more
of Ranma's internal conflict. Otherwise the ending,
at least to me, seems out of place.

 
Sorry to hear you did not like it, Allyn, but then I did not think you
would. You tend toward the prudish as a critic in my experience. If others
complain, and then depending on how many offer complaint, I may consider
toning it down. So far, the majority of reviews favor the piece in terms of
story telling. There are, as usual, numerous complaints about my bad
punctuation and what have you.

I would use a more active structure, rather than the slower
more introspective style you've chosen. And, as said, I'd
give more time to Ranma and less to Akane. Her fantasies
are cute, but . . .

 
Nearly all the previous chapter was written from the perspectives of Ranma
and Ranko, if you'd care to take a look. This time it was Akane's turn to
show us the same sequence of events from her point of view.
 

In wine tasting you 'cleanse the palate' after each tasting.
In the same way, I think you need to 'cleanse' the readers
palate after one of Akane's 'warm and fuzzy' moments.
Too much, too close together and the overall effect is lessened.
A little contrast using Ranma's 'angst' would do the trick, but
that's just my personal taste.

Hope some of this has been useful.

 
Some, yes.

OHHH. . . let me add that i didn't find your
narrative-to-thought transitions in the least
jarring. I didn't even notice. I think it was
VERY smooth. Seamless.

 
And, once again, you hold the minority opinion. Much of this piece was very
badly jumbled, now adequately corrected--I hope.

@@@@

 
Regards,
 
Don Granberry.

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