Dear Reader,
This is my new, generic C&C disclaimer. Rev. 2.0


1)EVERYTHING is In MY Opinion ONLY!

2) I'm commenting on the STORY NOT the author.
  My comments and criticisms are directed at:
a) story telling
b)Dramatic Tension
c)Characterization
d)Plot

3)ALL my C&C is based on the kind of things I read and write. I am 
telling the author what I liked or disliked and why.
I C&C as if the author had submitted the story to me for publication. The story is a COMMODITY for re-sale, and I've got to decide if the public will pay money for it. 

4)There are NO absolutes in reading or reviewing a piece of fiction.
The AUTHOR has got to glean what, if any, useful information from
the C&C by carefully reading and evaluating both the C&C for his
story PLUS C&C on other stories and any fiction the reviewer may have
 written. (This gives you a basis of comparison. If you don't like or
agree with the reviewers other fiction/C&C, then odds are, it won't help
you much either.)

BUT . . .please do not jump up and down on
the critic because s/he didn't love your story.
I'm giving my honest opinion, as clearly as I know how.
Perhaps you disagree with me.
               Perhaps I am wrong.
Maybe I see something you don't, and maybe you don't care.

That's fine.  Fiction writing is very subjective with a lot of room for disagreement.

HOWEVER:

Please don't get personal. No sarcasm,  denigrating remarks, or profanity.
 And please don't try to "Explain" your story to me.
If you've got to explain it, then something is missing 
from either your story or the reader. It's unrealistic to try 
and go around to every  reader individually to explain your story.
 It wastes time better spent on writing the 'explanation' into the story
or starting a new story.

And, perhaps I really don't understand. There are a lot of
best selling books that I 'just don't get'. 
If you think I'm just not your  target audience . . .
If you think I'm just plain stupid . . . ^_+
Simply delete the C&C and go on to something more interesting.

I hope this prevents any further misunderstandings.

some writing resources that may be useful:
http://members.aol.com/MacedonPg/writing.htm

http://www.realchangenews.org/StreetWrites/Exercises/index.html

http://www.sff.net/people/lwe/miscellaneous/laws.htm

http://www.dragonsquillandink.com/Resources/writing_resources.html

###########################################################################


I was going to MST this, until my wife reminded me that I 
have a sense of humor appreciated only by an extinct race
of sentient jelly-fish living on a planet orbiting Bernard's Star;
said jelly fish also being fond of "Cop Rock" and the Japanese
production of "Gone With the Wind, the Musical". 

(Which may go a long way toward explaining their extinction)

So, I'm just going to hit a few high spots:

1)Nabiki had always been something  of a pill <Pill? 1920's slang>

     bejeweled diadem 

    bejeweled gewgaws

falling into a burning ring of fire <I flashed on Johnny Cash when I read that.)

@@Just a few examples, but every now and then some 'odd' slang or images
show up. (Or duplicates, as in "bejeweled")
@@@@




2)Akane suddenly realized what it was that her ears were missing. It
was the sound of traffic. There was no rubber on the roads, no clatter from
the nearby rails. Nerima was ordinarily a sea of white noise, most of which
was created by the sound of people and their machines scurrying about their
business for the day. It struck her as funny that such quietude could seem
so very wrong, but it definitely felt wrong. Tokyo had not the time for
quiet. She was a great city and the frenetic was her norm, her surest sign
of good health. The distinct call of birds rivaled only by the buzzing trill of cicadas was, for Tokyo, a sure sign that trouble had arrived and done its worst. Akane shuddered despite the heat.

@@
A)you've got two "she/her" in this, Akane & Tokyo. I got a little confused on first reading.

B) "queitude" & "frenetic" are perhaps a bit formal? I'd use something 
earthier or at least simpler. OTOH, what do I know? 
I don't like Harry Potter for the same reason.
 Too 'highfalutin' for me.^_*
@@@@

3)All the suspicions Akane had been harboring about Ranko died. This
girl was nothing like the previous copy of Ranma who had come from a haunted mirror. This was the real Ranma in female form, deathly afraid of Nodoka. No wonder the girl carried herself with such pride, and no wonder Ranko looked as though she would melt every time she looked at Ranma. What other sort of guy would a girl like Ranma be attracted to?

@@ 
DR. FRANK N. FURTER:<singing>"I'm just a sweet transvestite . . ."

RANKO:                             "I'm a GUY! Sort of. . ."

DR. FRANK N. FURTER:<singing> "Why don't you stay for the night?"

RANKO:                            "Mommie!"
@@@@


"Well, congratulations, Nodoka," Akane said softly to the damp night.
"Your son is so manly she can barely keep her hands off of himself. I hope
you're pleased."

@@And . . .I'm confused. I'm not sure about the cause/effect connected with:
a) "the girl carried herself with such pride"
b) "she would melt every time she looked at Ranma"
and
Nodoka? 
Or 
"What other sort of guy would a girl like Ranma be attracted to?"

And . . . I _think_ I understand you're being sarcastic, but I don't understand:
"Your son is so manly she can barely keep her hands off of himself."

I'm guessing this has something to do with narcissism, but I'm not sure,
considering everything else.
@@@@

4)
"Please, Mommy! Please!" Ranko whimpered.

"It's okay, baby," Akane said in a soft loving voice. . ."

AND

"I'm so tired, Mommy," Nabiki complained in little girl voice, still
fast asleep.

"I know, Baby," Ukyou whispered, then kissed Nabiki's forehead . . ."


@@IMO, these two scenes are too similar and too close together.
@@@@

5)"Nabiki says that if she ever meets Bruce Lee, she's going
to throw him on the ground and rape him out of gratitude."

@@
A)Bruce Lee is . . . uhhh . . .deceased. Perhaps Jet Li or Jackie Chan?
B) "rape" is jarring. How about "ravish" 
OR
 " . . . throw him on the ground and explain Price Earning Ratios 
to him out of gratitude."
@@@@

6)
"That's kinda what I thought," Ukyou said, rubbing her chin
speculatively. "Nabiki handles the money, right?"

Akane's eyes widened with shock at the realization of what Ukyou had
just deduced. 

@@Ummm . . .why is Akane shocked? And what has Ukyou
deduced? That Nabiki handles the money? That doesn't seem to
warrant shock. Nor take much deductive ability.
@@@@



7)"Have you ever seen any artwork done by that Vallejo guy?"

@@
1)I did a quick global search of previous chapters and couldn't
find mention of Boris Vallejo. IMO, Hajime Sorayama (he does
mostly Gynoids, but I think it's workable in context) or some other
'native' artist. In any event, some mention of Ukyou and especially
Tendou Soun being afficionados of Artist X in earlier chapters. Perhaps an
art book or an original painting on the wall or something to 
set the stage. This just sort of seemed to drop out of nowhere.

2)I can see how, if they sell, the calendars would bring in money.
Some garden club just did a fund raiser with a 'nude calendar' of
it's members, some of whom looked like they started planting
Victory Gardens in WWI. But, I don't see the connection with
martial arts students joining the doujo, any more than martial art
students go to Vallejo for training.
@@@@



8)Akane watched her go, wondering how on earth Nodoka planned to wash
the laundry without running water . . .

@@The Japanese are used to this, between Floods, Typhoons and Earthquakes.
I included a few URL's at the end. However, This section had a more Western
than Japanese feel. (Also included a humorous URL on cleaning in Japan)
@@@@


9)It was their little game of smuggled romance that they had fallen into.

@@Also added a few URL's on kissing & public displays of affection in
Japan that you might find interesting.

I know we disagree on this point, but I would have preferred a few
different POV's in this one. Especially more of Ranma's internal
struggle over killing.  Otherwise his 'breakdown' at the end seems
too abrupt to me. You don't have to go to the extremes
of Magic Realism like John  Fowles in England.
 (I'm working from memory, but I _think_ he
changed not only POV but tense within one paragraph in "Daniel Martin)
but a little switching POV can make the flow a bit more dynamic.
@@@@


10)"I want...Oh, Buddha help me! I want them both and I want them
 both in the most perverted way, . . ."

@@
AKANE: <reading clipboard> "Two 55gal drums of Crisco, one gross
nipple clamps, assorted colours; one dozen Penis Rings, adjustable; 
two Penis Gags, inflatable glow-in-the dark; Gerbils . . .Gerbils . . .
HEY, I ordered gerbils! Where are my gerbils?"

UPS MAN(Universal Perverts Service): "No gerbils lady. We got some
nice badgers?"

UKYOU: <carrying a naked Ranko and Ranma, superglued head-to-tail, over her shoulder> "Badgers? We don't need no stinking Badgers!"
@@@@

" . . .but I don't want anyone else to notice!"

@@
KASUMI: "Then don't mate at the breakfast table."
NABIKI: "Don't mate ON the breakfast table."
AKANE/UKYOU: "How about _under_ the table?"
@@@@


11)@@Ryuu Kumon & Ryouga just sort of showed up
at the table w/o sitting down?
@@@@


12) "Why does the idea of her wearing a brass bra trip me 
out so much?"

@@
UKYOU: "Ooooooooo. . . .cold, cold, cold!"

AKANE: "Let's go outside where it's sunny."

UKYOU: "AHHHHH . . . HOTHOTHOTHOT!"

AKANE: "Well, that didn't work. OK, take off the bra
and the chain-mail bikini."

NABIKI:< reading latest Museum Replicas catalogue> "It says here that
when you buy mail armor, they suggest you also get an arming coat 
and hood - -

AKANE: "Let me help you with the bikini - -

UKYOU: "AAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

NABIKI: "- - so you don't get your hair caught in the links."

KASUMI: <handing tray to Ukyou> "Iodine, styptic pencil and a large
glass of brandy."
@@@@

@@
OVERALL:
I think you went just a weeee bit overboard on Akane's warm
and fuzzy (or would that be brass and leathery) fantasies.
It's cute, some of it's adorable or hilarious (sometimes
both at once) BUT . . .
  I think you need to cut a little of that and add more 
of Ranma's internal conflict. Otherwise the ending, 
at least to me, seems out of place.

I would use a more active structure, rather than the slower
more introspective style you've chosen. And, as said, I'd
give more time to Ranma and less to Akane. Her fantasies
are cute, but . . . 
In wine tasting you 'cleanse the palate' after each tasting.
In the same way, I think you need to 'cleanse' the readers
palate after one of Akane's 'warm and fuzzy' moments.
Too much, too close together and the overall effect is lessened.
A little contrast using Ranma's 'angst' would do the trick, but
that's just my personal taste.

Hope some of this has been useful.


OHHH. . . let me add that i didn't find your
narrative-to-thought transitions in the least
jarring. I didn't even notice. I think it was
VERY smooth. Seamless. 

@@@@










******************************************************************************
Yakuza: 
http://vikingphoenix.com/public/JapanIncorporated/ultranationalists/yakuza.htm

http://vikingphoenix.com/news/stn/1998/stn98001.htm

http://www.msnbc.com/news/165145.asp?cp1=1


Aum cult: (super weapon & Kobe earthquake)
http://kkkx.hypermart.net/s/seismic%20weapons.htm

US Embassy Disaster Preparedness, Japan:
http://usembassy.state.gov/tokyo/wwwh7111.html

Kobe Earthquate & looting:
http://www.sensorium.org/linkedsense/library/earth2.html

Kissing & displays of affection:
http://www.csmonitor.com/durable/1998/02/17/intl/intl.3.html
http://www.globalaging.org/elderrights/world/loveletters.htm


Tokyo Living 
http://www.metropolis.co.jp/tokyorantsraves/376/tokyorantsravesinc.htm

Tokyo with kids, cleaning problems unique to Japan

http://www.tokyowithkids.com/fyi/cleaning.html








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