Heya,

Was planning to do some C&C for you to pay you back for all you've done for 
me, then Eric goes and catches most of the things I was gonna comment on. :p

Anyway, here's a few comments, for what it's worth. Hope this helps! My own 
opinion, of course...

       Akane had almost blurted out that this was not the first time Ranma
had killed someone, but caught herself in time. How on earth do you explain
to a normal person, even he is a soldier, about Safuron? she had asked
herself. The inability explain such things worried her.

There are a couple of times when you mix in Akane's thoughts to a 
descriptive paragraph. Without any sort of notation to set it apart, it was 
somewhat jarring to my ears. I'd suggest either seperating it into a 
seperate paragraph, or use some signs like <> or (). I'll try and point out 
the rest.

        Ranko immediately rolled over and began sobbing into Akane's
shoulder. Akane sighed and held the girl close. Ranko was cuddly, like the
children Akane had been comforting all day. So is Ranma when he's having
this particular nightmare, Akane thought. Dragons and gods could line up to
take turns fighting him, or all of them could jump on him at the same time
and Ranma would barely blink an eye, yet one cross look from his mother
would turn him into a hopeless wreck. Akane sighed as she held Ranko a
little closer, then went back to sleep.

Another location where this happens. What exactly is Akane's direct 
thoughts, and what is narrative? It's a little hard for me to tell unless I 
re-read it several times. Not sure if this is proper English, just telling 
how it sounds to my ears.

Suggest: Ranko was cuddly, like the children Akane had been comforting all 
day. <So is Ranma when he's having this particular nightmare,> Akane 
thought.

(Snip)

       Akane managed to smile at Shampoo while suppressing a shudder. I
wonder if the bimbo has figured out that her girl-type airen is also her
greatest competition? Probably not, Akane thought. If she had, she would be
chasing Ranko all over town with a pair of bonbori by now.

Once more, Akane's direct thoughts are mixed in. Is that last sentence 
narrative, or a direct thought?

Suggest: <I wonder if the bimbo has figured out that her girl-type airen is 
also her greatest competition?> Akane thought. <Probably not.>

Again, this is just the notation I use, though it screws me up when I post 
to ff.net.

(Snip)

       A jet liner rumbled overhead, the sound of its engines 
exceptionally
distinct. Akane suddenly realized what it was that her ears were missing. 
It
was the sound of traffic. There was no rubber on the roads, no clatter from
the nearby rails.

I'll have to agree with Eric here, and I like his suggestion. Putting a 
colon in there makes it sound better to my ears. Or putting the sentence "It 
was the sound of traffic." in a paragraph by itself(to put emphasis on it), 
though I'd tend to go for the colon after "missing:" As it is, that sentence 
seems almost like a fragment to me.

     "I am become Akane!"

      This unexpected shout was followed by the sounds of breaking 
pottery.

      Nabiki? Akane thought. What the devil?

     "Destroyer of Kitchens!" Nabiki shouted. Then came another series of
crashes.

Heh, I like this bit with Nabiki. Gave me a few chuckles, thanks! =D

       "Yeah, well, the emergency is over with," Akane said with a giggle.
"I guess falling back into her normal character came as a shock."

NABIKI: Well, I'm OOC in other fics so often, then it *is* a shock to come 
back to my normal self.

^_^

       Akane gave Ukyou a grin, suddenly very happy that she and Ranma's
oldest friend were no longer rivals. Akane had Konatsu to thank for that.
The quiet, self-effacing little ninja had somehow crept into Ukyou's heart
without anyone, Ukyou least of all, noticing until it was too late. Once
their rivalry for Ranma's affections had ended, Akane had found Ukyou to be
an enormous amount of fun to be around, just as she had expected she would.
She liked Ukyou for the very same reasons she had feared Ranma might fall
for the girl. No matter what happened, Ukyou's sunny disposition always
broke through the clouds of adversity, cheering everyone around her. Making
people happy was something that came naturally to Ukyou.

This paragraph brings up a point that I don't think has been dealt with yet, 
or maybe I missed it. How long after the manga does this take place? It 
seems like quite a bit of time, since Ukyo seems to have mostly gotten over 
Ranma. I don't think you need to be specific, and again I might have missed 
it.

Just a random thought. :)

       "You mean girls that look like Shampoo!"

       "Sort of," Ukyou said with a nod, "but they usually wear a little
less than Shampoo."

       "How can they be wearing armor and still have on less than what
Shampoo runs around in?"

Another Random thought, but I don't get the impression from the manga that 
Shampoo runs around with little on. True, she doesn't seem to care much 
about nudity, but she does where something, she seems decently-clothed. Her 
standard battle outfit covers everything except hands and head. I almost 
wonder if this is fanon (Shampoo constantly running around with little on), 
more than canon, but I suppose it's up to you.

Anyway, just something I though I'd throw out.

       Akane clapped the palm of her right hand to her forehead. Damn! I'm
going to turn pink from head to foot before this is over, she thought. I 
can
feel the blush spreading already.

Intermixed thought and dialouge again.

(snip)

       Both of them took the trouble to lightly brush her arm as they sat
down on either side of her, just as Ranma and Akane had been careful to do
since their return from the Battle of Kenseizan. It was their little game 
of

Battle of Kenseizan? Did I miss something again? I've usually been reading 
these as they come out on the ffml, but I think I need to go back and 
re-read the earlier parts, since I tend to be absentminded and forget 
things.

       Over the course of the year following their non-wedding, Akane had
reached the point of not caring what form Ranma was in at any particular

Ah, so it's a year after the Manga ends, then?

       For one thing, Akane could see that the male version of Ranma and 
the
female version of Ranma liked each other. In fact, it seemed they liked 
each
other a great deal. Akane found this discomfiting, but not necessarily
surprising. Why wouldn't Ranma like himself? Akane asked herself. He always
has and the attraction has to be even stronger, given that his alter ego is
an exceedingly attractive female. Akane rubbed shoulders with each of them
in turn, realizing that she loved them both. How could she not? They were
both Ranma, even if one did go by the name of Ranko. But, therein lies the
rub, I _don't_ like the idea of them being attracted to one another, but 
how
else would I have it? Would I want them _not_ liking each other? How could
that ever work out? What happens when we eventually marry? Somehow, the 
idea
of having them both to love and having them love one another excites me, 
and
frightens me, and infuriates me, all at one and the same time. I want...Oh,
Buddha help me! I want them both and I want them both in the most perverted
way, but I don't want anyone else to notice!

Again, intermixed internal dialouge and narrative. I did like the internal 
conflict here, BTW.

       Looks like lunch is mainly rice and little else. I suppose I should
be thankful for it, too, Akane thought. Things could have been much, much
worse. She took in a deep breath, held it for a minute, then let out a long
sigh. Ukyou began pitching her latest tea to Nodoka and Kasumi, but offered
none to anyone else at the table.

Intermixed thought and narrative again. I dunno, maybe it's a stylistic 
difference, and maybe it's completely acceptable, but it seems a little off 
base to me.

Much to her horror, Akane realized that she was
starting to blush again. She glanced around the table. Everyone was too 
busy
eating to notice. Thank my lucky stars that Nabiki is out of it, Akane
thought. She never misses anything and almost never fails to ask about it 
at
the worst possible moment.

I don't think anyone actually realizes they are blushing. Usually they just 
feel they're cheeks start to heat up or something. I'd suggest a minor 
change here, but it's a minor point. Up to you, though.

       And Dad took an even dozen of them out. He probably killed at least
eight of them from what I heard.

No quotes on this sentence. Was this spoken or Akane's thought?

       Akane began hurrying toward her husband and wife to be.
Why is he down on himself? Stuff like that is what we have trained all our
lives to do!

A couple things confuse me here. Is she really considering marrying both of 
them? Even if she wants them both, the best she can get is the marry Ranma 
and take Ranko as a mistress. Anyway, suggest: "Akane began hurrying toward 
Ranma and Ranko" or something like that.

Also, I'd suggest changing that last sentence to: "Defending people like 
that is what we have trained all our lives to do!" As it sounds above, it 
makes me think that "Challenging the Yakuza and killing them" is what Akane 
thinks they've been training to do.

Still, you could probably disregard both of these, though. Up to you.

       "Sit!"

       Ranma shook his head no.

       "Sit down, Saotome! Now!"

       Ranma breathed out a huge sigh as he sat down. Ranko straddled his
legs and sat down in his lap.

I guess I'm a little confused about Ranko and the way she's acting. I'm keep 
thinking female-Ranma, yet she's acting a little too girly for that, and 
doing things that Ranma usually wouldn't, like this scene above. I don't 
think I have a real problem with it yet, because it appears she is becoming 
her own person. I guess I'm waiting on the "how" and "why", which has yet to 
be revealed.

Anyway, not much else to say. Good piece all around, and your fics are 
always a pleasure to read. Just fix up the minor errors already pointed out, 
and clear up the Akane thoughts and narrative sections. Hope my commentary 
helps!

As always, though, feel free to ignore me, as I'm not real smart. Ask 
anyone! ^_^

Brad
www.geocities.com/kaiphantom2000

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