--- The Eternal Lost Lurker <lurkerdrome@sbcglobal.net> wrote:

Sorry to keep you waiting. *bows* We now present the second
installment...


MOVING ON
a Studio ELL production
Standard Ranma/Tenchi disclaimers apply.


________________________
Chapter Two: Settling In

     Well, so far it's a perfectly adequate "Ranma + X" story.  Which
is its major weakness.  It's too much "by the numbers."

1.  Ranma suddenly decides his life is crappy and it's everyone's
fault but his own.  (Well, except for him being too nice and not
wanting to hurt people's feelings.)

2.  Ranma manages to get away from Nerima without being
caught/followed.

3.  In Ranma's new location, he runs into X, who is the first person
who's really ever understood/listened to him.  A mutual attraction
blossoms.  (So far the biggest twist is that they have sex right
away.)

4.  Ranma finds a new place to live, with a bunch of people who take
a liking to him on sight.  Despite their own strong personality
clashes, he's able to get along with all of them.

5.  Ranma's social competence and loquaciousness goes up 100%, so he
is able to prevent any comedic misunderstandings.  The new friends do
not react badly to his curse, and are entirely sympathetic to his
problems.

     If future chapters continue in the same vein, we'll see:

6.  Ranma's relationship with X continues to blossom.

7.  Any attempts by the Nerima crew to interfere are dealt with
ridiculously easily by Ranma's new friends.

8.  Ranma learns even more kick-butt techniques, and/or decides not
to hold back against the Nerima crew any more.

9.  Ranma and X come up with clever solutions to his obligations. 
Anyone objecting to these clever solutions is ridiculously easily
dealt with by Ranma's powerful new friends.

10.  Ranma and X metaphorically ride off into the sunset together. 
Which kind of puts an ironic spin on Ranma's fear in the first
chapter of being required to marry the first woman he has sex with.

     All through these first two chapters, the story has been so very
generic, that I expected at any moment for it to be revealed as a
parody of regular "Ranma + X" fics.
     Since you're an experienced author, I will presume that any odd
characterization or dubious canon use so far is deliberate.
     Some thoughts on how I'd spice the story up, for your
consideration.
     Introduce an obstacle or two to the relationship from Kiyone's
side.  Perhaps there's a GP regulation that prevents her from
marrying shapeshifters, or she's suddenly promoted and assigned
off-Earth (and no, you can't take the civilian with you.)
     Have Ranma not take the Tenchi crew's secrets well.  Perhaps
he's somewhat prejudiced against aliens, or artificial life forms?
     One of the Nerima crew meets one of the Tenchi crew and tells
their side of the story, casting doubt on Ranma's veracity (or at
least his lack of bias.)  The Tenchi crew member then makes life
difficult for Ranma for a while.
     Ranma and Kiyone eventually realize that they like each other
very much, they're sexually compatible--but they don't love each
other.  Ranma ends up with Mihoshi, and Kiyone ends up with a new
assignment and a promotion.

     Just some suggestions.

Seeya,
SKJAM!

__________________________________________________
Do you Yahoo!?
Faith Hill - Exclusive Performances, Videos & More
http://faith.yahoo.com

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'