Dear Reader,
This is my new, generic C&C disclaimer.
I've had some problems recently with authors
who have gotten a little . . .personal in their
response to my C&C. Hence, the following:

1)EVERYTHING is In MY Opinion ONLY!

2) I'm commenting on the STORY. NOTHING
I say should be taken personally.  My comments
and criticisms are directed at:
a) story telling
b)Dramatic Tension
c)Characterization
d)Plot

3)ALL my C&C is based on the kind of things I 
read and write. I am telling the author what
I liked or disliked and why.
I C&C as if the story were going to be published
in the real world, for money. I'm suggesting
changes that, IMO, would make a better
story.

4)I'm not a professional editor. And even 
professional editors make mistakes.  Different
people like reading different things. NEVER
try to please everyone. Write what you like,
the way you like.
BUT . . .please do not jump up and down on
the critic/editor because s/he didn't love your story.
I'm giving my honest opinion, as clearly as I know how.
Perhaps you disagree with me. Perhaps I am wrong.
Maybe I see something you don't, and maybe you don't care.
That's fine.  Fiction writing is very subjective with a lot
of room for disagreement.

BUT

Please don't get personal.
No sarcasm, cutting or denigrating
remarks. And no profanity. 
It wastes time better spent on writing.
If you think my C&C is so far off the mark,
just delete it, unread, and go on to something 
more interesting.

I hope this prevents any further misunderstandings.

some writing resources that may be useful:
http://members.aol.com/MacedonPg/writing.htm

http://www.realchangenews.org/StreetWrites/Exercises/index.html

http://www.sff.net/people/lwe/miscellaneous/laws.htm

http://www.dragonsquillandink.com/Resources/writing_resources.html

##########################################################################


 A few general comments, then some Line-by-line C&C: @@
I like the basic idea. But . . . I'm not getting
a real 'feel' for the characters. The dialogue
and narrative is too "stiff" is the best word 
I can come up with. Part of the problem may be
that the "structure" of your dialogue and narrative
is very choppy. You're not varying the way you construct
your sentences and paragraphs.
@@@@







<SNIP>

  "Maron!"

  To her surprise, Maron slept better than she had in
months.  When Fin woke her up the next morning, she
rolled over, prepared to swat the pesky juntenshi away
so she could go back to sleep.  To her surprise, her
hand was caught in a light grasp.

@@"To her surprise," and "To her surprise"
Need some variation here at least. The entire
paragraph is a little jerky.
@@@@

  "Maron, that's really not nice!" an amused voice
said.  "And you have to get up."

  Something about Fin's voice sounded wrong.  Maron's
fuzzy mind didn't quite grasp what the thing was, so
she opened her eyes.  "Fin  go Fin?" she whispered,
wondering if the stranger in front of her really was
her angelic friend  

  Beside her bed knelt the most gorgeous woman she had
ever seen.  She looked like a full-sized version of
Fin Fish, with hair that would reach to her ankles
were she to stand up.  Her gown of white and green
floated around her like a pool of quicksilver,
accented by gold ribbons and jewelry, and the face had
been honed into perfect beauty.  She wasn't cute she
was breathtakingly beautiful.  Looking upon her would
cause sinners to repent, and atheists to believe.  
Such a marvel could only be sculpted by God's own
hands, and Maron was taken aback.

@@Ummmm . . . purple prose? And static.
You're basically telling the reader what Fin looks like,
rather than SHOWING. And the description isn't very
interesting. Or, perhaps it's more that you're using
too many adjectives, one on top of the other. That's 
not always going to give you the effect you want.

EXAMPLE:

     Fin Fish knelt beside her on the bed. No, _not_ Fin Fish.
Not her cute, funny, sometimes maddening but always loyal friend. 
This towering ivory skinned figure had the terrible perfection of
a royal katana; beautiful, deadly,Maron tried to swallow past the sudden knot in her throat, . . .frightening.
@@@@

@@OK, this is NOT meant to replace what you've written. It's to illustrate
a point. Rather than simply describe what Fin Fish looks like
or what she's wearing . . . SHOW how the new Fin Fish makes
Maron FEEL! 

When you're walking through the mall, or down the street and notice
a mother with a child, or a homeless person. Or when you see
an old friend you haven't seen for a while. You see what they're wearing, how their hair is cut . . . but you REMEMBER how it makes you FEEL.

SMELL is also important. What does Fin Fish SMELL like?
Vanilla and cinnamon, reminding Maron of her mother baking cookies?
Sunlight and stained glass, making Maron think of a cathedral?
(It's not logical, you're trying to convey emotion. ^_*)

You can weave the details of hair, dress, ribbons into the story later on.
Have Fin Fish "pick up the trail of her ankle length silk gown" as she walks to the door, etc.


The IMPORTANT thing, how does Maron feel. What is her physical reaction. How does she act? What does she think? How does she FEEL?

<SNIP>
I've read through this chapter a couple of times, and I'd suggest the 
following changes:
1)Vary the structure, so it's not so choppy.
2)Watch out for overuse of adjectives or repetition
close together.
3)In some instances you're TELLING the reader what's
happening, rather than showing. Try to put more
emphasis on SHOWING the reader what the characters
are feeling.

Finally, this is ONLY my opinion. It is useful ONLY if
1)You agree with what I've said, at least in part.
2)You like what I write and the way I write.(so we have some
common ground) I don't like JK Rowlings (Harry Potter) at all. But I 
should be so lucky as to ever sell a tenth the number of books she does.
^_+
Just keep that in mind when reading ANY C&C.
Hope this has been a little useful.

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