--- DB Sommer <sommer@3rdm.net> wrote:
Not sure about the source material, but since it's a
short one, we'll give
it a whirl.
Maybe you shouldn't have. From what I've been told,
this fic is very dependent on insider knowledge.
Watching a Shooting Star
celebration/anniversary fic. On my birthday this
year, which is in the first week of October, I
will
celebrate my fifth anniversary as a fanfic author.
I
trust that, in the past five years, I have
improved as
a writer! However, I get a strong feeling that
I'm
almost completely unnoticed
Do a google search of your name and 'fanfic' and see
how many sites turn up.
Then you'll get an idea if you're noticed or not. :)
When the first ten sites that turn up are Crossover
Corner and various ML post archives, I think you'll
agree I'm not *that* popular.
Also, usually not much can be said about 6k fics
save a general reaction.
Still, even that can be helpful.
> Start: 9:40 pm, 30/9/02
I stand back and watch as Mitsuki-chan is singing.
My ears begin to bleed. I wish she would stop.
^_^
Actually, Myeo is a very popular singer, and I think
she's one of the better J-pop idols around - You And
Me, her band, has been compared favourably to Two-Mix.
Under the lights, her hair is even brighter and
her
porcelain skin is even paler.
Hmm. While perhaps grammatically unsound, I'd make
the second 'skin paler'
since you just 'is even' right before it. Sounds a
bit redundent.
I'll try to rework it.
I was charmed when she chose 'Full Moon' for her
stage name, like everyone else, but now, watching
her,
I'm not sure that she chose the right one.
Perhaps
'Shooting Star' would have been more appropriate.
Watching her, I am struck by a sense of
impermanence.
/Remember,/ some little voice is whispering in my
soul. /Never forget this moment, for it will
never
come again..../
Nice passage.
Thank you.
I'm being silly, of course. As a fallen idol
myself,
I know only too well how fragile idols can be.
Heh. Especially in Japan. It's even more 'flavor of
the month' than here in
some ways, from what I understand.
It's a lot more dependent on your manager there, I
believe. If you get one that's prepared to go the
extra mile for you and run promotion, you've got an
exponentially better chance than one that only acts
like an agent.
This moment, the debut of a young idol who has
what it
takes to make it to the top, is a rare moment, one
used 'moment' at the start. Again I'd change the end
to 'top, is rare and
should be savoured and appreciated.'
Good point. I'll work with it.
That must be why my heart is wrapping this song
Not sure if that's the right spot for the paragraph
break. Might want to
consider moving 'That must be it.' to the start of
the next paragraph.
I see what you mean, and I'll work with it.
around itself, a song of love lost yet faithful,
hopeful yet honest. She called it 'Myself', yet
it
reaches into the heart of everyone who has ever
said
"Goodbye" to a lover.
So does NIN's Hurt. I wouldn't call them the same
type of song though. :)
No, nor would I. ^_^
My cheeks heat as I remember. That afternoon was
so
confusing, but I still feel embarrassed as I
remember
Two 'remembers'. I'd change the first to 'heat with
the memory.; or
something along those lines.
Good point. I'll fix it.
how I realized that Dr. Wakaouji was Wakaouji-kun,
the
pop idol of my youth and the Prince Charming in
all my
teenaged dreams, and badgered an autograph out of
him.
It must be over ten years since his band broke
up,
and his ward's manager is *still* a fangirl.
Sad and pathetic, I agree. ^_^
OI! I resemble that remark! ^_^
Still... I'm glad I did it. It's as if a part of
myself is now satisfied. The teenage crush has
been
completed and is now laid to rest.
Bah! A true groupie would have slept with him.
She was a fellow idol and is now a manager, she has a
reputation to uphold... not to mention the fact that,
because she's good at her job, she just doesn't have
the TIME.
watching a shooting star fall across
the sky -
Might want to ditch the earlier 'shooting star'
reference and use something
similar there, so that you can close with it here.
I did think about that, I'll have to look at my
thesaurus.
Thank you for commenting!
Best wishes,
Raye
=====
raye_j@yahoo.com
A Tear of the Wind: http://windtear.pitas.com
http://www.thejohnsens.com/index.html
"The saving grace of humour is that, if you fail,
nobody laughs at you."
- A. Whitney Brown
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