Not sure about the source material, but since it's a short one, we'll give
it a whirl.

Watching a Shooting Star

celebration/anniversary fic.  On my birthday this
year, which is in the first week of October, I will
celebrate my fifth anniversary as a fanfic author.  I
trust that, in the past five years, I have improved as
a writer!  However, I get a strong feeling that I'm
almost completely unnoticed

Do a google search of your name and 'fanfic' and see how many sites turn up.
Then you'll get an idea if you're noticed or not. :)

..>  I don't get C&C,

Like Gary says, give if you want to get. There are others ways to increase
your chances of getting C+C, but that's the most reliable.

Also, usually not much can be said about 6k fics save a general reaction.

*****

Start: 9:40 pm, 30/9/02

I stand back and watch as Mitsuki-chan is singing.

My ears begin to bleed. I wish she would stop.

^_^

Under the lights, her hair is even brighter and her
porcelain skin is even paler.

Hmm. While perhaps grammatically unsound, I'd make the second 'skin paler'
since you just 'is even' right before it. Sounds a bit redundent.

 Her voice is that of an

angel, pure and clear.

Keiichi: Obviously you've never heard Urd try to sing when she's loaded.
That's one angel that sounds like a bullfrog in heat.

I was charmed when she chose 'Full Moon' for her
stage name, like everyone else, but now, watching her,
I'm not sure that she chose the right one.  Perhaps
'Shooting Star' would have been more appropriate.
Watching her, I am struck by a sense of impermanence.
/Remember,/ some little voice is whispering in my
soul.  /Never forget this moment, for it will never
come again..../

Nice passage.

I'm being silly, of course.  As a fallen idol myself,
I know only too well how fragile idols can be.

Heh. Especially in Japan. It's even more 'flavor of the month' than here in
some ways, from what I understand.

 I

failed; I know how easy it is to fail.  As a manager,
I've learned how hard it is to get an idol to the top
and I've learned how hard it is to keep her there.

Just ask the one from Perfect Blue. It's a killer's job. :)

This moment, the debut of a young idol who has what it
takes to make it to the top, is a rare moment, one

used 'moment' at the start. Again I'd change the end to 'top, is rare and
should be savoured and appreciated.'

 to

be savoured and appreciated.  This is Full Moon's
debut and it will never come again, and a part of me
is reacting to that.  That must be it.

That must be why my heart is wrapping this song

Not sure if that's the right spot for the paragraph break. Might want to
consider moving  'That must be it.' to the start of the next paragraph.

around itself, a song of love lost yet faithful,
hopeful yet honest.  She called it 'Myself', yet it
reaches into the heart of everyone who has ever said
"Goodbye" to a lover.

So does NIN's Hurt. I wouldn't call them the same type of song though. :)

easily.

I only met her four weeks ago, and already I feel as
if I have known her all my life.  She's both innocent
and wise, and I don't know why.

If I had seen the series, I would probably know. :(

I suspect she has had a serious illness - that might
account for it.  She has the kind of wisdom those who
have been close to death display, and the innocent
enjoyment in living that children and those who've
learnt

I'd go with 'learned.' Learnt isn't used that often.

to treasure Life

wouldn't capitalize hat either.

 show.  And her guardian is a

doctor - how else would a child and a busy, unrelated
professional adult get to know each other?

Evidentily she is not familiar with the term 'Lolita Complex.' :)

My cheeks heat as I remember.  That afternoon was so
confusing, but I still feel embarrassed as I remember

Two 'remembers'. I'd change the first to 'heat with the memory.; or
something along those lines.

how I realized that Dr. Wakaouji was Wakaouji-kun, the
pop idol of my youth and the Prince Charming in all my
teenaged dreams, and badgered an autograph out of him.
 It must be over ten years since his band broke up,
and his ward's manager is *still* a fangirl.

Sad and pathetic, I agree. ^_^

Still... I'm glad I did it.  It's as if a part of
myself is now satisfied.  The teenage crush has been
completed and is now laid to rest.

Bah! A true groupie would have slept with him.

Mitsuki is singing the final verse, and I can feel
the mood of the crowd.  Their hearts are soothed by
her rich voice, their souls enfolded in her lyrics.
She's managed to touch them, and they in turn will
embrace her.

And yet... and yet... something about her whispers to
me of impermanence.

Already used that rarely used term. I'd look up something in the thesarus
and change it.

Mr. Takasu looks at me as the song closes, and
congratulates me as I congratulate him.  Looking into
his eyes, I see no sign of this forboding that grips
me.  I must be wrong.  But still, I can't shake of

drop 'of'

this feeling, of

and I'd drop the comma

watching a shooting star fall across

the sky -

Might want to ditch the earlier 'shooting star' reference and use something
similar there, so that you can close with it here.

Nice little emotional work. Very brief, but to the point. And in reading it,
I think I am familiar with reading a synopses of the series, so she's more
on target than she realizes.

D.B. Sommer




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