Hey Don,

My sincerest apologies, Jiro, but it's your turn in the barrel. Commentary
enclosed in square [] brackets.

Appologies for what?  Bring it on man, both barrels even!

[Ooh, boy!]

Down boy...

***


[Very nicely done.]

Thanks... I tried to use the scene to show that Ranma's skills have increased to the point that his father can barely make him break a sweat.  I would like to ask if I didn't over-extend Ranma here, I'm not an Uber-Ranma fan and thus wanted to make him as un-Uber as possible.

***

[POV established with Akane. Scene set up firmly in the first line. Very
good.]

Which doesn't mean I'm used to this POV thing... as seen later.

[Replace the em-dashes with commas. The phrase "at least to Akane" is
parenthetic and commas are all that is required to set it off.]

noted and changed

[Comma needed after "Obviously". I would be wont to replace "too" with "as
well", but that is strictly a judgment call.]

tried your suggestion... It didn't sound right for some reason so I retained the old phrasing.  The comma thing has been added.

[With all the build up to Soun's line of dialogue, "remarked" rings hollow.
I'd replace it with "pointed out", or "said pointedly" or some other such
phrase.]

noted... changed

[Oden would frown on Ranma inhaling him, I'm sure. I think that should be
"udon". 

ara?  I thought oden was some sort of hot-pot dish, (see Inu-Yasha, the episode where Kagome returns home for the first time after tangling with Yura the hair, she was thankful that she lived in a time where there was oden...)  Udon is noodles right?

"D-d-daughter?" The other occupants of the table except Akane exclaimed.

[Well, he DID say "adopted daughter", right?]

Yes he did, indeed he did, but the r.5 cast has selective hearing, thus hearing 'daughter' and not 'adopted'.  Did it work?

[The verb "goggled" does not work here very well, but damned if I can think
of another word to replace it at the moment.]

Tried to think of another word but I can't either.

[Replace the ellipsis with a comma, place a period after "Nabiki".]

noted

[Comma after "Akane-chan" instead of the period. I would replace "smilingly"
with "smiling brightly" or some other such phrase.]

okay... Changed this dialouge with this one below:

"Mother would be so proud, Akane-chan," Kasumi gushed with pride, her face smiling benignly on her youngest sibling.

... any better?

The rest of the meal went on in silence after that.

***


[POV seems to be that of an independent observer.] [Delete the "to" in "to
at".] 

oops, forgot to delete that one... Larry pointed it out already.  

[POV now given to Ukyo.]

yup, did the transition go smoothly?

[Comma after "Hon", take the capital "Y" out of the succeeding "You".]

noted... altered

[I think "ineffectually" would work better than "ineffectively, but that's a
judgment call.]

hmmm... it does fit better... okay changed

Ukyou doesn't have black hair.  It's light brown, IIRC.

[This sort of thing belongs at the beginning or end of the piece, not in the
middle of it. I've only seen the pen & ink versions of the manga and a few
of the video's, mostly those in the first season, so if you want to claim
"chestnut" colored hair for Ukyou, I'll go along with it. The one picture of
her that I colorized, I made her hair chestnut.]

This was actually Larry's comment... forgot to delete it before posting... I are shamed!

[Drifted, rather than shifted to Ryouga, or perhaps back to the Independent
Observer.]

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?  I'm not really a writer, just an accountant passing time...

[Comma instead of the ellipsis after "floor" and insert another comma after
"time".]

noted and changed... should I add a Lime warning for this scene?

***

[Change in scene adequately dealt with. POV given to Yumeko in the first
line.]

Again I wouldn't know if this is a good thing or bad thing...   

[The phrase "ever since" is only just barely acceptable usage. Better is
"from the time" or "since the time", et cetera.]

Sorry, I'm sticking with the original line, it doesn't sound right IMHO

[Yume's response to Kasumi's dialogue belongs in a paragraph of its own.
Group dialogue and responses in paragraphs according to character.]

noted... changed

***
[Nicely handled change in scene to relate a distant event.]

Danke!

[The cut back to Tendo-ke works nicely as well.]

I borrowed the style from an old movie I saw (couldn't recall the title for the life of me)  I just had to have Yume-chan say "He comes!" Good cliff-hanger that way... 

Brang it on, Jiro. Looks like you gotta good one goin'.

I would if my Muse cooperates... she's a temperamental little thing, typical of a red-head but... hey... ouch!  No, stop! Not the face... Argh!!!

...anyway... thanks for the C&C Don, much appreciated. 

(Jiro gets pulled offstage by an irate red-head)

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