Dear Reader,
This is my new, generic C&C disclaimer.
I've had some problems recently with authors
who have gotten a little . . .personal in their
response to my C&C. Hence, the following:

1)EVERYTHING is In MY Opinion ONLY!

2) I'm commenting on the STORY. NOTHING
I say should be taken personally. �My comments
and criticisms are directed at:
a) story telling
b)Dramatic Tension
c)Characterization
d)Plot

3)ALL my C&C is based on the kind of things I 
read and write. I am telling the author what
I liked or disliked and why.
I C&C as if the story were going to be published
in the real world, for money. I'm suggesting
changes that, IMO, would make a better
story.

4)I'm not a professional editor. And even 
professional editors make mistakes. �Different
people like reading different things. NEVER
try to please everyone. Write what you like,
the way you like.
BUT . . .please do not jump up and down on
the critic/editor because s/he didn't love your story.
I'm giving my honest opinion, as clearly as I know how.
Perhaps you disagree with me. Perhaps I am wrong.
Maybe I see something you don't, and maybe you don't care.
That's fine. �Fiction writing is very subjective with a lot
of room for disagreement.

BUT

Please don't get personal.
No sarcasm, cutting or denigrating
remarks. And no profanity. 
It wastes time better spent on writing.
If you think my C&C is so far off the mark,
just delete it, unread, and go on to something 
more interesting.

I hope this prevents any further misunderstandings.

some writing resources that may be useful:
http://members.aol.com/MacedonPg/writing.htm

http://www.realchangenews.org/StreetWrites/Exercises/index.html

http://www.sff.net/people/lwe/miscellaneous/laws.htm

http://www.dragonsquillandink.com/Resources/writing_resources.html

###########################################################################
OK, some general comments
followed by a bit of line-by-line
C&C. @@

@@I think you've got some good ideas here, but
perhaps too much for a single story. OTOH, Robert
Jordan sells a lot of books. ^_*
You're trying to mix
1)Innu Yasha
2)Ranma 
3)Pokemon
4)Megaman
5)Sailor Moon
6)Yu Yu Hakusho

That gives you a minimum cast of seventeen, 
and from the prologues it looks like many more.
That's a lot of characters to try to develop and keep
believable. I mean, just trying to MOVE them from
place to place is going to take a tremendous
amount of time and effort. Plus, some readers(me ^_*)
are going to get confused about who is who.


You've got two Takahashi stories, 
Ranma: comedy/romance
IY: drama/romance with �more developed storyline and magic.

SM &YYH are more magic driven, with SM being a classic
Magical Girl series, YYH is roughly speaking Magical Boy.

Megaman and Pokeman could be classified as Science Fantasy
with Pokeman having a much larger fantasy element.


IMO you've got a HUGE amount of redundancy here.
I'd pick two and at most three series to work with.
This allows you to give more attention to each character
and develop situations in more detail. 

There are a lot of ways to play with this, but I always
like to make things easier. For instance:

Ranma/Megaman

This gives you a solid series that most people
are familiar with and a "Science" story that 
provides more contrast (and more scope for conflict)
than a magic/magic series combo might.

Why not Ranma/IY?
Well, they are both Takahashi romances, and
IMO, too similar in style and story. Yes, there
are differences, but not enough  to justify 
trying to combine them. Not enough contrast. 

Sailor Moon? 
A good solid Magical Girl series. But you've
got five main characters, nine if you add the 'Outer'
senshi. Plus . . .asteroid senshi, Galaxia, Cosmo, etc, etc.
You're already starting with a large cast, so any cross
you make is easier if IT has a small cast with a lot
of contrast. 


SM/YYH: Magical Girl(s)/Magical Boy
 Not a lot of contrast There are possibilities
BUT
it would be better to cross:

YYH/Megaman; YYH/Pokemon or YYH/Ranma
since you'd be crossing �Magic/non-magic.

With SM/YYH, it's just a different brand of magical
monster to fight for each of them. COULD be done, but
easier IMO to contrast Monster Hunters with 
a series not used to fighting with magic/fighting
monsters.



SM/Ranma: Don't make Ranma Sailor Earth or
Sailor Sun. ^_* It's been done. 
This is a Magic/Non-magic (yes, there's magic in Ranma
but of a much lower grade than SM or YYH.
AND it's not a primary focus of Ranma.


SM/IY: I don't think I've seen that one.
More possibilities, but still magic/magic

SM/Pokemon: Hmmm. . . I have a vison of 
Senshi in pokeballs. ^_* 

ASH: "Poke Moon, I call you!"
SM: "Waaaaaa, I don't wannna!"

But, more of a contrast. Magic/science? (Sort of)

SM/Megaman: magic/Science
The best possibility, IMO, or rather the easiest to manage.
You're only adding two additional characters (plus
whatever bad guys you come up with)and you've got the
contrast of magic and science. (Not very believable 
science, but we're not all Robert Forward.)


Let me make this clear:
I am NOT trying to tell you which series to use.
I am NOT trying to tell you what story to write.
I am NOT trying to tell you HOW to write your story.

I AM trying to point out some problems that you're going
to have with the story as outlined. Six prologues before
you even get to the story? You're having to spend too much 
time bringing the reader up to speed. Plus, I'm _reasonably_
familiar with these series, and I'm already confused. ^)*


For goodness sake, do NOT take my C&C as the final word.
I wouldn't read "Harry Potter" unless you held a Katana 
to my throat, and JK Rowlings is the highest paid author
in the world.(Not just the book, but the toys, games,
movie . . . BILLON dollar club I think. ^_*)
So, write whatever you want, the way you want to write.




@@Now for a bit of line-by-line:



KashikoiNeko@aol.com wrote:

<SNIP>

@@
1)Author notes at the end of the story
2)I'd do the research on the story separately. Plus,
just write the story. If you don't bring it up, the reader
may not notice. ^_*
3)Don't explain things (eg ages) in author notes.
THAT sort of thing should be integrated into the story.
@@@@

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tale to Tell

Chapter 1


When Ranma got home from school that day, his mother called him into the 
solarium. She was sitting on a lounge, with the windows open to the garden. 
She indicated that he should find a seat as well; he sat on the floor facing 
her. 

@@HOOK?
Slow and a little choppy. ("She was", "She indicated", "he sat")
You're using the same sentence construction all the way across.

EXAMPLE:
 �When Ranma got home from school, his mother called him
into the solarium. Sitting on a lounge, with windows open to the garden, she
indicated he should find a seat.

@@@@

@@However, this is still very static. SHOW, don't tell.

EXAMPLE:

 �"Ranma? Could you come here, please"

 �Dropping his book bag, Ranma toed off his shoes and trotted through the
house to the solarium.

 �"Have a seat," Nodoka patted the lounge she was sitting on.

 �"Thanks," Ranma grinned, settling on the floor so he could look out the
open windows into the garden, "but I ain't used to fancy living yet."

@@@@

"Ranma, I have something to tell you about our family," she began. "My father 
is a Dog Demon, my mother is a Fox Demon that he met years ago. His current 
wife is however, a reincarnation of a human that he knew 400 years ago. She 
became a second mother to me when my blood mother died."

@@Now, this is an interesting idea, but a story in itself. NOT a prologue.
It's too quick and off hand to be believable. And, your telling. SHOW.
You're just dropping a major change on the reader with no preparation.
AND, no emotional content.
All of the prologues suffer from this. Static, choppy and too much 
information with no background, no preparation. The things you're trying
to do in 'Prologue' need a separate story. Several stories, perhaps. For
example, Ranma as Fox Demon. Merely having Ranma suddenly recall:

STORY QUOTE:
"Well, when I finally caught up with oyaji, after we got cursed, I somehow 
transformed into a fox-like creature- at least that is what the guide said, I 
was not noticing. The guide then told me that the spring that is fell into 
was originally labeled as "Spring of Drowned Fox Spirit" but 
when people and animals fell in they turned into human girls.
END QUOTE

Is NOT satisfactory. I don't' mind you doing it, but it needs
a complete story just for that. It's too convenient. Too 
unbelievable. �And, it's too casually done. There's no
 emotional content. It's simple narration, you have a character
_telling_ a story, instead of writing the story. 

THIS is an interesting story, all by itself. I'd rather
see this one done in more detail, than hundreds of 
story fragments crammed together. Start at the cursed
springs and do this in Real Time, so that you SHOW
this happening, rather than telling about it after the
fact. Now THAT would make a good prologue.

SHOW fox-Ranma climbing out of the pool and then
just one or two lines to the effect:

GUIDE: "Oh sir, very tragic story about
fox demon who drown ten thousand years ago.

See? Just SHOW this, in ONLY a couple of lines.
The prologue(s) should �give the bare minimum of
information the reader needs. (The reader NEEDS to know
about the fox-demon, or at least a hint. The reader
does NOT need to know about the 'solarium' or 'lounge'
or any of the rest) 
QUICK, short and to the point.

Re-do ALL the prologues. SHOW don't tell.
AND, show ONLY what you absolutely need for the story.

All six prologues should fit into the space you've used for
one. No more than about 30K, and preferably MUCH less.
The prologue introduces the reader to �some 
ESSENTIAL character or situation that the reader MUST
know before the story can even start. IMO, 95% of what 
you've put into these prologues could be saved for later.
Plus they take up so much time and are so slow moving, the
reader is not HOOKED.

A LOT of good ideas, but I think it would be easier
to limit the story to one or two series and a single
basic point of divergence/dynamic tension. 

Hope this helps a little. Good luck. ^)O

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