Subject: [FFML] Re: [TEASER][R.5][DARK] The Rage
From: allynyonge0000@netscape.net (allyn yonge)
Date: 10/5/2002, 2:44 AM
To: jedediah@gotricounty.com (Knight Writer), ffml@anifics.com


Fortunately, this will be an easy C&C. As always, dialogue & narrative are first rate. Good imagery. A couple of minor problems, IMO.
1)Y7,000 ~ $70.00
You might want to bump up the price a bit on the "box"
2)The "wish": "Sometimes I just wish he were someone else entirely"
a) "he" who? Ranma WAS mentioned a couple of lines earlier, but since this seems to be a 'bad wish' sort of box . . .
b)Why (other than for the sake of the story) does the rather ambiguous
"someone else entirely", make Ranma evil/violent/crazy? Ghandi was someone else. So is Britney Spears. Why couldn't this wish turn Ranma into Mother Teresa rather than Ma Barker? (which also leads me to the question: does the 'wish' also affect Ranko?)
All I'm saying is that I think the wording of the wish at least needs a bit of work. Something more specific regarding what's going to happen to Ranma.

Example:

  "Why do all the girls love Ranma? I wish they could see the black hearted monster he's hiding inside!"

3)At the start you had "Pissing in the cornflakes" and "Bloody hell", which made Ranma's language less shocking and therefore less effective.

4)Too much violence, too soon. Ranma puts Genma in the hospital as soon as he gets out of bed. There's not much left, other than mass murder. ^_* I think it would be more effective if, for example, the 'wish' removed Ranma's inhibitions. Then the gradual disintegration of Ranma's personality as his inhibitions slowly melt away, and his animal impulses take over. This gives you room to show how other people react to the change, the gradual realization that something is very wrong. In fact, you could even give Gosunkugi hope that his wish had actually worked out in his favor - - perhaps Ranma starts off being rather feckless and silly, making even poor Gosunkugi look manly.
 THEN, at some point in the story, have him realize his mistake. Perhaps Gosunkugi makes a casual remark, not realizing what his wish has really done to Ranma, and Ranma then commits arson or robery or rape. At which point Gosunkugi understand that while Ranma is the gun, _he_ aimed and pulled the trigger.

at any rate, it's a wonderful, thought provoking teaser with a lot of potential. I hope you do more with it.

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