My sincerest apologies, Jiro, but it's your turn in the barrel. Commentary
enclosed in square [] brackets.





Akane awoke to the familiar sounds of battle outside her bedroom window.
She languidly stretched as she yawned, inwardly musing that her agent had
spoiled her too much.  She got up from her bed and stood in front of a
full-sized mirror she had acquired some time ago.  Her body had changed; her
legs were definitely longer now, finely toned with the right amounts of
muscle and fat to send anyone drooling.  Her hips were narrower than when
she was a teenager, the product of meticulous dieting brought about by the
need to get that plum part in her previous movie.  Her breasts were fuller,
and still as firm as when she was in high school.  "Ranma will never know
what hit him," she said to herself as she prepared herself for the day
ahead.
 
[Ooh, boy!]

***

'It's not fair,' Ranma thought to himself as he lazily avoided his father's
uppercut.  Ever since getting zapped by whatever Yume-chan hit him with, his
speed, strength and agility had improved by leaps and bounds.  He noted with
a sideways glance that the old panda was sweating and panting already.  'Any
minute now and he'll start using special attacks,' he mused as he danced
away from a very deadly punch/kick combo his dad unleashed. The old man had
overextended his kick and was promptly sent to the koi pond for this error.
Ranma smiled as he sauntered to one of the stones that formed the rim of the
pond and peered at the waterlogged panda.  The pigtailed martial artist
laughed over how silly his cursed father looked and was in turn pushed into
the pond by a giggling six-year-old.  Ranma emerged, wet and indignant, and
proceeded to drag the squealing tot into the pond with her, and the former
early morning sparring became an impromptu water fight with Soun Tendo and
the old panda looking on mournfully.
 
[Very nicely done.]

***

Jiro Maeda presents:
A Ranma Nibunnoichi fan fiction
Summoner's Song
Part 1b:  Eye of the Storm

Disclaimer: Ranma � and its characters and settings belong to Rumiko
Takahashi, Shogakukan, Kitty, and Viz Video.

***
 
[POV established with Akane. Scene set up firmly in the first line. Very
good.]

Akane descended to the Tendo living room and soon found a scene of the
typically unmatched lunacy that had been absent for the last eight years.
The Saotome father and son were battling it out with chopsticks that were
flying to and from bowls; food disappeared at inhuman speeds, only to appear
at one or the other's bowls.  What was surprising -- at least to Akane --
was that a third person was involved in the food war.
 
[Replace the em-dashes with commas. The phrase "at least to Akane" is
parenthetic and commas are all that is required to set it off.]
 
The little urchin known as Yumeko was giving as good as she got.  Genma was
not getting nearly as much as eight years ago, but there was a smile on his
face that hadn't been present since Ranma left.  Obviously the old panda had
missed his son too, Akane mused as she seated herself at her customary place
by Ranma's side, sandwiching the child between them.
 
[Comma needed after "Obviously". I would be wont to replace "too" with "as
well", but that is strictly a judgment call.]

Soun coughed audibly to claim the attention of the people sitting around his
table.  He turned his attention to Ranma and the child sitting between him
and his fianc�e.  "Son, you still haven't introduced your little companion,"
he remarked.
 
[With all the build up to Soun's line of dialogue, "remarked" rings hollow.
I'd replace it with "pointed out", or "said pointedly" or some other such
phrase.]

The pigtailed martial artist temporarily ceased inhaling his fifth bowl of
oden to answer his future father in law's question.  "This is Yumeko
Saotome, six years old, future heir to the combined Anything Goes School and
my adopted daughter." He said, pride clearly showing in his face.  His
little ward smiled right back and fiercely hugged him.
 
[Oden would frown on Ranma inhaling him, I'm sure. I think that should be
"udon". 

"D-d-daughter?" The other occupants of the table except Akane exclaimed.
 
[Well, he DID say "adopted daughter", right?]

Nabiki noticed Akane's lack of reaction. "Aren't you going to say anything
about this?" she asked her sister, who was at the moment busy doling out
additional servings to her recently-returned fianc� and the girl he claimed
as a daughter.

"Do I have any reason to?  Ranma's still my fianc�, with or without a
daughter.  Besides, I think she's cute." Akane absently answered as she
wiped the little girl's face.

The rest of the family goggled at Akane's declaration.  The Saotomes -- save
the matriarch, who was obviously ecstatic about being a grandmother -- were
too busy eating to care.
 
[The verb "goggled" does not work here very well, but damned if I can think
of another word to replace it at the moment.]

"Akane, that's not like you..." remarked Nabiki
 
[Replace the ellipsis with a comma, place a period after "Nabiki".]

"Why? Everyone needs to grow up sometime, right?"

"How very true. Well done, Akane.  Oh, I'm so proud of my baby girl!" bawled
Soun, who started shedding fountain-like tears of joy.

"Mother would be so proud, Akane-chan." Kasumi gushed smilingly.
 
[Comma after "Akane-chan" instead of the period. I would replace "smilingly"
with "smiling brightly" or some other such phrase.]

The rest of the meal went on in silence after that.

***

At the studio-type dwelling above Ucchan's Okonomiyaki emporium, the Hibikis
were fighting.  More specifically, Ukyo Hibiki was fighting, flinging
things-that-go-smash to at her husband Ryouga, who was busy dodging the many
things-that-go-smash that his wife was throwing at him.
 
[POV seems to be that of an independent observer.] [Delete the "to" in "to
at".] 
 
Ryou was fast asleep; unmindful that his mother was trying to kill his
father.

"At least tell me why you're so upset... Yipe!" Ryouga yelped as he dodged
the 18th century vase he had brought home from his sojourn in Italy.  He
dodged behind the sofa just in time to narrowly avoid a plate caroming off
his larynx.  He peeked out, trying to see if the barrage was over, only to
find himself staring at his own reflection as his wife threw their antique
looking-glass.  He "oomphed" in pain as he slid across the floor so that he
could cushion the expensive piece of furniture with a pillow salvaged from
the sofa.

"Aho! Jerk! Pig! Insensitive prick! Thick-skulled, mule-headed moron!" Ukyo
screamed, tossing one fragile piece of furniture after another towards her
desperately dodging husband.  The okonomiyaki chef was red in the face with
rage as she threw vases and other ceramics, 'How dare he think that way?
The nerve of him!' she thought angrily as hot tears coursed down her face.
 
[POV now given to Ukyo.]
 

"Honey, please, tell me what made you upset," Ryouga pleaded from his
cowering position behind the fallen sofa.  He slowly got up, his palms
raised in a gesture of surrender as he emerged from where he was hiding.  He
gingerly stepped closer to where his wife stood, noting her trembling hands
and tear-streaked face.

"Does my love count so little, Ryouga?" Ukyo whispered.

"Why do you say that?  Your love is what makes me live each day, Hon.  You
know that." Ryouga softly whispered as he unclenched his wife's trembling
hands, engulfing them with his own.
 
[Comma after "Hon", take the capital "Y" out of the succeeding "You".]

"Then why did you say those things?  Why did you blindly assume that I'll
leave you for Ranma?" she asked as she hugged her husband tightly.  Her hot
tears soaking his shirt as her husband ineffectively tried to calm her.
 
[I think "ineffectually" would work better than "ineffectively, but that's a
judgment call.]

"I'm sorry, it was callous of me.  I meant it as a joke... a very bad one,
now that I think about it." Ryouga apologized as he stroked his wife's soft
chestnut hair.  He could still hear her sniffles.


Ukyou doesn't have black hair.  It's light brown, IIRC.
 
[This sort of thing belongs at the beginning or end of the piece, not in the
middle of it. I've only seen the pen & ink versions of the manga and a few
of the video's, mostly those in the first season, so if you want to claim
"chestnut" colored hair for Ukyou, I'll go along with it. The one picture of
her that I colorized, I made her hair chestnut.]

"Liar!   You meant every word of it.  You want to abandon me now that
Ranma's here, is that it?" Ukyo sobbed, futilely trying to disengage herself
from her husband's firm embrace.  The grip of his arms only tightened as she
struggled some more.

"I'll never abandon you, Ukyo. You and Ryou are what keep me going each day.
You're all I think about whenever I'm out in the world.  To me, home is
where you are.  I just wasn't sure if you should settle for second-best now
that Ranma's back.  He's your first love, and I want you to be happy. I want
you to have no regrets about anything." Ryouga answered.  Deep inside, he
felt undeserving of someone like his wife.  He had experienced love from
different women in different degrees, from the gentle caring for a pet from
Akane to the absolute devotion given by Akari.  "You made me live again,
dearest.  For that and for the love you have given me, you deserve the
best."  He was surprised when, moments later, she was hugging him for all he
was worth.
 
[Drifted, rather than shifted to Ryouga, or perhaps back to the Independent
Observer.]

"Stupid truffle-brained idiot, I already have the best.  I'm not settling
for a consolation prize here.  I already have my man, and if you think I'm
letting you go, I'll just brain you with my spatula till you decide
otherwise." Ukyo murmured in Ryouga's shirt.  She looked up and stared into
her husband's eyes and saw the love he had for her.  She closed her eyes,
leaned forward and kissed him, it was soft and gentle at first but the
emotions they unleashed that afternoon fed fuel to the fire, soon enough the
okonomiyaki-wiz was kissing her directionally-challenged husband with all
she had.  Her husband, of course, returned the favor, and soon they were
rolling on the floor... but this time they were not fighting.
 
[Comma instead of the ellipsis after "floor" and insert another comma after
"time".]

***
 
[Change in scene adequately dealt with. POV given to Yumeko in the first
line.]

Yumeko watched as Ranma and Akane sparred in the dojo.  She had heard of
this place ever since she began traveling with her guardian, and was quite
surprised to find out that it was everything she imagined it would be, and
more.  "A home, finally," she whispered, hugging herself to make certain she
wasn't dreaming.  Her musings were cut when melodic laughter floated over to
her.  She saw the delicate dance her guardian and his fianc�e were
performing.  His movements were like swift torrents, wild yet powerful.
Hers was similar to that of a raging fire, constant, vibrant, and filled to
the brim with life.  The harmony was broken when they began to argue, their
voices raised in counterpoint to each other "They're good for one another,
so why do they fight?" the little girl asked herself, very much puzzled at
this turn. 
 
[The phrase "ever since" is only just barely acceptable usage. Better is
"from the time" or "since the time", et cetera.]

"Don't mind them, they're always like that.  It's their nature to sizzle and
spark at each other."  Yume jumped, startled upon hearing the voice.  She
turned and found Kasumi standing at the dojo entrance, a tray of snacks
balanced on her left hand as she closed the shoji.
 
[Yume's response to Kasumi's dialogue belongs in a paragraph of its own.
Group dialogue and responses in paragraphs according to character.]

"But they love each other, oneechan.  Aren't people in love more...
peaceful-acting than that?" Yume asked, scurrying to help Kasumi carry the
snacks to the obliviously arguing couple.

Kasumi giggled at the little tyke's serious expression.  "It's just their
way, Yume-chan.  They express their love by arguing," she explained,
carefully placing the snacks and tea implements by the side where they
wouldn't be disturbed.

"It's just wrong, Kasumi-neechan.  We don't have a lot of time. Oniichan
should be cherishing this moment with Akane-neechan, not arguing with her!"
Yumeko exclaimed, clearly frustrated by events. Her words were emphasized by
the gestures she made with her hands and arms.  Kasumi just smiled and
nodded as they shared that somewhat peaceful moment.

***
[Nicely handled change in scene to relate a distant event.]

Somewhere south of Tokyo, in an old condemned temple, shadows began to stir.
The broken shoji and wooden walls began to move by themselves.  A vortex of
power grew and focused on the abandoned shrine as black lightning began to
crackle around the lacquer box and the wards that held it sealed.  Finally,
the wards burst into flames and the altar exploded outward, filling the old
temple with shadow.

***
 
[The cut back to Tendo-ke works nicely as well.]
 
Yumeko suddenly stiffened and dropped the glass she held.  She screamed
soundlessly as her guardian held her, the heat from her skin not unlike that
of a burning furnace as her body stiffened.  Suddenly she got up, and with a
savage yell she screamed, "He comes!"

==========================

Brang it on, Jiro. Looks like you gotta good one goin'.
 
Don.


             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'