Allyn,
As usual, my comments are in square [] brackets.
Don.
Lure the Tiger from the Mountains
************************************************
************************************************
Chapter: 14 Ah du chen cang (Pretend to take one path while sneaking down
another)
"Pop?" Ranma hissed quietly into the cool semi- darkness of the basement.
"Pop, are you in here?" Looking around at hundreds of different beers from
all around the world, Ranma now knew why Genma wanted to meet at the Hilton.
He just hoped - -
"Pop! If you've gotten stinkin' again I'm gonna put vinegar in your
hip-flask!" A heavy hand came down on his shoulder from out of nowhere and
he jumped in shock.
"DAMMIT ya old fart! Don't DO that."
"You're getting sloppy boy." Genma chuckled, his breath only mildly perfumed
with beer.
"Yeah?" Ranma's hands flashed out, snatched a bottle from each of Genma's
pockets and rapped him on the head with them. "Now, you wanna play games? Or
you wanna talk."
[Need a question mark after the word "talk".]
"Show some respect, boy!" Genma rubbed his head, then retrieved his bottles
and popped the cap off a Vintage Romanov Baltic Stout with his thumb. "What
was so important you needed to see me?"
[Extra space between "Stout" and "with".]
"What do ya know about a monk, dressed sorta like a Yamabushi. Fights dirty.
Blade concealed in his staff, breathes fire and knows some kinda trick ta
strangle ya with his voice."
"His voice?" Genma perked up on hearing that. "What did he do?" He tilted a
bottle to his lips, throat working as he emptied it of 89,000 yen worth of
beer in one long swallow.
"Ummm . . .some kinda chant while he danced in a circle. Then somethin'
grabbed me around the throat; felt like that guy in Turkmenistan with the
piano-wire ." Ranma rubbed the puckered scar around his neck in memory.
[Extra space between "the" and "piano-wire".]
"Kotadama," Genma pontificated. "Power of Words."
"What the hell does that mean?"
"This man is obviously a powerful adept of the Shugendo order."
"Which means, what _exactly_?"
"Depending on his level of attainment, he can see into the spirit realm,
kill at a distance with the power of his voice, walk through walls, fly----"
"Okay, I getcha." Ranma thought for a minute. "But what's he got against
me?"
"It is very simple, boy. Your years of sloth, gluttony and filial impiety
have obviously angered the kami who have sent this man to punish----owwww!"
"Dammit, old man." Ranma shook out his stinging fist. "Don't give me that
bull. You'd a' been a charcoal briquette by now if the kami gave a shit
about that stuff. Besides, this guy don't exactly want to buy you beer and
sushi. He's got a serious mad-on for the whole Saotome clan; all two of us!
What did you do to piss this guy off so bad?"
"I have always been on excellent terms with the clergy," Genma replied
piously.
"What about that temple in Bali? Or the mosque in Khartoum. And don't forget
the Chinese . . ."
"A misunderstanding," Genma was sweating, despite the coolness of the
cellar. "A few trivial disagreements of a purely philosophical nature."
"Yeah?" Ranma's tone held a note of un-filial attitude that Genma found so
irritating. "Well, why dontcha see if you can remember which one wants you
_trivially_ dead." Ranma headed for the stairs. "An' try to think of if
b'fore this guy kills someone." He paused, one foot on the bottom stair.
"Because if this guy hurts one of Akane's sisters or her old man 'cause he's
pissed at you, she's liable to pull your spine out through your eyeball an'
strangle you with it."
"What if he gets to Akane first?" Genma remarked snidely. He still hadn't
forgiven her for having pretensions of being a martial artist and claiming
ownership of _his_ doujou.
"That ain't gonna happen Pop. Remember th' First Rule?" Genma shivered as
the temperature seemed to drop suddenly.
"That just ain't gonna happen."
***** *****
"Oh, hello Ranko-san." Kasumi smiled tiredly at the petite girl peeking
around the corner of her kitchen. "It's nice to see you're feeling better."
"Feeling-----Oh, oh yes. I'm feeling much better now." Onna-Ranma mentally
kicked himself for losing track of his character. That would have earned him
twelve across the shoulders with a knotted rope from Genma. He hadn't made
such an elementary mistake since he was seven.
[Question mark instead of the malformed em-dash after "Feeling".]
"Ummm, you're looking a little tired. Are you feeling Okay?" Ranko asked
solicitously.
"I am tired," Kasumi admitted. "I've been having a little trouble----
[Replace the malformed em-dash with an ellipsis and append a double quote
after it.]
*Foy porter, honneur garder* The liquid voice pierced the morning quiet,
like a knife through the heart.
"----sleeping." Kasumi looked as if she were about to weep.
[Replace the leading em-dash, which is malformed, with an ellipsis, add a
double quote after "weep.".]
*Et pais querir, oubeir*
Good projection, Onna-Ranma noted with interest, pinpointing the sound as
originating in the garden. Having perfect pitch, she was especially
sensitive to singers who were 'off' in the slightest, but this was a really
nice mezzo- soprano.
"What the hel . . .heck is _that_?" Ranko's head swivelled , pretending to
search for the source of the music.
[swiveled]
"Kodachi." Kasumi said tiredly. "She's serenading me."
[Comma after "Kodachi" instead of the period.]
*Doubter, servir, et honnourer*
"What's she saying?"
"I have no idea. I think it's French."
*Foy porter, honneur garder* "I want to stay faithful, guard your honor,"
Kodachi popped through the door that lead into the garden, still singing as
she entered the kitchen.
[Period instead of a comma after "honor" or use "sang".]
*Et pais querir, oubeir, doubter, servir, et honnourer* "Seek peace, obey,
fear, serve and honor you." With a flourish, Kodachi produced a single,
perfect silver-rose and presented it to Kasumi on bended knee as she
translated.
[Use "bent" rather than bended, given that it is the narrator's voice
relating the action, rather than what is going on in what passes for
Kodachi's mind.]
*Vous vueil jusques au morir Dame sans per.* "Until death, Peerless Lady!"
[I think it should "par" rather than "per", but I don't speak French and
have only a nodding acquaintance with Cajun.]
"That's very nice, Kodachi." Kasumi took the rose and placed it in a crystal
vase, where it joined a score of it's fellows. "But you should go home now.
I'm sure you must have homework----"
[Use "its" instead of "it's". A comma is required after "But" in Kasumi's
second line of dialogue. If you would employ the verb "said" and its
cousins, you would not be forced to deal with such clumsiness.]
"Leave!" Kodachi looked horrified. "Nay, gentle lady. Kunou Kodachi shall
_not_ leave you alone when there is such villainy abroad as would afright
all of Christendom. I shall guard thee from harm, e'en at the cost of my
life's blood."
"That's wonderful, Ko-chan," Nabiki came down the stairs, knuckling sleep
from her eyes. But it's our Saturday off. Why don't you try giving your
life's blood _quietly_."
[Coming down the stairs will not substitute for the verb "said". Placing a
period after "Ko-chan" will not suffice as a repair. I suggest, it is not
required by grammatical rule, that you replace the period after "eyes" with
a comma and take the capital "B" out of the conjunction "but". This would
blend the dialogue gestures and motions quite nicely.]
A thought came to her as she shambled across the floor to the coffee pot. "I
think it would be romantic if you slept across Kasumi's threshold, just like
a faithful and courageous guard- dog."
[POV now firmly established as the Omniscient Observer, and I must say, you
have handled the voice very well so far...]
"You have the right of it." Kodachi's face lit with the thought of serving
her heart's delight _and_ being incredibly uncomfortable, all at the same
time.
[...until you did this. You have three characters in the scene, and without
dialogue tag, the reader must pause and wonder who spoke, even though you
describe Kodachi's face immediately after she speaks. Otherwise, the
description of Kadoachi's thinking is in good keeping with the necessary
voice for this particular POV, or rather, the POV you started off with.
After this point, you shove the reader unceremoniously into the mind of Kuno
Kodachi, an unkind trick to pull on anyone, let alone some poor innocent
reader.]
And when the snows came she could prove her dedication by standing without
cap or hose all night in the cold . . .perhaps she'd catch pneumonia and die
a tragic, yet romantically elegant, death.
Occupied with composing a funereal poem that would make the very stones weep
at the loss to the world of Kunou Kodachi, The Silver Sword of Saint
Hebereke's Academy for Young Ladies of Refinement, Kodachi was oblivious to
Kasumi's indignant squawk as she scooped the older girl into her arms and
carried her up to her room.
"If you're lookin' for Akane, she's out in the doujou, finishing up her
workout before we go." Nabiki remarked, stifling a yawn.
[Hmm, need a comma instead of a period after "go", and it would have helped
if you had written it so that Nabiki was speaking to Ranma. Without that
kind of tag, the reader must stop, think about who is still in, and who is
no longer in, the scene before they can realize that Nabiki is speaking to
Onna-Ranma.]
"Go?"
Kasumi's got exams coming up, so we're going shopping and then to a movie,
so she can get some work done." Nabiki poured a mug of coffee and added a
generous portion of cream and sugar. "Where's Ranma? Haven't seen him since
that nut case blew the hell out of a pine tree."
"He . . .uhhh . . .he thought it might be better to stay away for a while.
At least as long as that crazy monk is running lose. Ranma was afraid the
guy might come here looking for him." Ranko bit her lip, then went on.
"Could . . . could I stay here again? Father is out of town and I don't
want to stay by myself."
[Reading this stuff without dialogue tags is hard work, Allyn, I don't care
what the Trekker's think. The gestures work quite well, don't get me wrong
about that, but the lack of tagging causes me to stop and start mentally at
nearly every line of dialogue.]
"Sure, why not?" Nabiki put her mug on the counter and started rummaging
through the refrigerator "Everyone else in Japan seems to be staying here.
We'll just add some more water to the miso." Noticing Ranko's hurt look she
relented slightly. "Don't mind me. I'm a little cranky because Kodachi was
singing outside of Kasumi's window all night. Why don't you come with us?"
Satisfied at the girl's shy nod, Nabiki grabbed some rice-balls and salmon
and put them on the counter next to her coffee.
"You want something? Juice maybe?"
"Oh, errr, juice would be fine." Ranko took a glass of orange juice and sat
next to Nabiki.
"So," Nabiki sipped her coffee while Ranko drank her juice and nibbled on a
roll Nabiki had given her. "are you and my sister lovers yet?"
[Same drill! "So?" Nabiki sipped her coffee while Ranko drank her juice and
nibbled on a roll Nabiki had given her. "Are you and my sister lovers yet?"
or alternativelyl, "So," Nabiki asked, pausing to sip her coffee as Ranko
drank her juice and nibbled on a roll Nabiki had given her, "are you..."
Without the tagging, you must place a question mark after the word "So" and
then capitalize the word "Are" which comes after all the action is
described. Even better would be to drop the business with the roll. To wit:
"So," Nabiki asked, pausing to sip her coffee and watching with one eye as
Ranko took in a mouthful of orange juice, "are you and my sister lovers
yet?"]
Juice sprayed across the kitchen and Nabiki pounded on Ranko's back to help
clear her airway.
"WHAT! Are you crazy?"
"I take it that's a no?" Nabiki sighed. "It would do her a world of good to
get laid. Maybe she wouldn't be so intense all the time. You're kind of
cute," she eyed Ranko up and down, until the smaller girl blushed. "and she
wouldn't have to worry about getting pregnant."
[Period after "cute" or use "said". If you do not use said, you must also
capitalize the conjunction "and" as well placing a comma after it.]
"Gaaaak!" Ranko started another coughing fit, which Nabiki ignored, munching
on a cold rice-ball. "Oh well, I guess I'll wait until Ranma get's back and
see if he's got the right stuff."
[Dialouge and gesture by one character agglomerated into the same paragraph
with the dialogue and action another character. Hideous.]
Ranko fell off her stool.
*Nothing like a little workout to start the day*, Nabiki thought, heading
upstairs with her coffee, nibbling on a piece of salmon. *But all too easy*.
[Allyn, so far your handling of this particular POV is much improved, but
you still need to work on handling the dialogue.]
***** ******
[Abrupt change of scene lacking adequate transitioning. Thing of it is, you
could easily fix it with a short sentence.]
"Father? Can you get the door?" Kasumi looked up from her books as the knock
came again. "Father?" Then she remembered. He had a council meeting this
afternoon. Ranko, Akane and Nabiki had all gone to a movie and Kodachi . . .
Kasumi felt a little guilty for sending her to Kyoutou for a special tea
blend. But _only_ a little. The girl was driving her mad and she had to
study for her exams. The knock came again and, with a sigh, Kasumi headed
down the stairs.
[Arrgh!
"Father? Can you get the door?" Kasumi looked up from her book as the knock
came again.
"Father? Then she remembered. He had a council meeting this afternoon.
Ranko, Akane and ...."]
"May I help you?" Kasumi smiled politely at the young girl standing in the
doorway.
Immaculate in a green and cream uniform, she bowed and held out a clipboard.
"Please sign here."
[Need a comma after "Immaculate". "she" lacks an adequate antecedent. I
suggest "the girl" in place of "she".
"What is this for?" Kasumi accepted a pen as the girl pointed to a line with
Tendou/Saotome beside it.
"Delivery for Saotome Genma, care of Tendou Souun."
Kasumi's lips tightened slightly as the sound of _his_ name.
[At rather than "as".]
If it had been for Ranma . . .with only a slight hesitation she signed and
accepted the small but surprisingly heavy parcel.
[I suspect you need the word "not" between the words "had" and "been", but
cannot be certain.]
The delivery girl saluted smartly before turning away to her motor-scooter
parked outside the gate.
Frowning, Kasumi walked back upstairs to her room. Frankly, the less she had
to do with 'Uncle' Genma, the better she liked it and she certainly didn't
want to have to be responsible for his mail until and if he returned.
[The word "Uncle" should be in double, rather than single quotes.]
A sudden thought cheered her. She'd just give it to Ranma, the next time she
saw him. It might be something for him, anyway. Satisfied that she'd solved
that problem she tossed the package into her briefcase and went back to the
mysteries of multivariant analysis.
[I suggest using "returned to" rather than "went back to".]
***** *****
"Isn't there _anything_ leaving today?" Kuonji Ukyou frowned down at the
ticket agent. "It doesn't have to be fancy. A fishing boat, freighter.
Anything at all?"
[I suspect you really need to use a comma after "freighter instead of the
period and take the capital "A" out of "anything".]
"I'm sorry, there's nothing until the ferry leaves tomorrow." The woman
looked up from her schedule book. "I can check the airline schedules for
you." She offered.
[Replace the period after "you" with a comma, take the capital "S" out of
"she".]
A plane ticket would practically exhaust his cash. _If_ Ranma or Genma were
back in Nerima, as he suspected, it might be worth it. But if they _weren't_
. . .
Ukyou hissed in frustration. It hadn't taken him long to realize he couldn't
possibly search the Norwegian Wind, before the cruise ship reached Hong
Kong. He'd spent an agonizing time, before deciding to leave the ship when
it docked.
Twice before, when he'd gone to the Tendou's Ranma had decoyed him away. Was
something holding Genma and Ranma in Nerima? They couldn't leave, so they
got Ukyou out of the way?
[This scene would work much better written from Ukyou's POV, at least, it
would work better this far. By now the Omniscient Observer's voice is
getting in the way of your telling the story effectively.]
Unless . . . Ranma only wanted him to _think_ that Hong Kong was a decoy,
but the Tendou's were really a decoy, while Ranma and Genma were really . .
.
Ukyou pressed a hand to his throbbing temples. Trying to think like a
Saotome was like trying to teach a pig to sing. It was a difficult, dirty,
thankless job that frustrated the teacher and irritated the pig.
[Didn't quite get all the serial numbers off of that one, Allyn, but then I
don't suppose you meant to. Pop's woulda loved it.]
"Would you like me to check the airlines?" The woman asked again.
Shaking his head Ukyou handed her money for a boat ticket. "No, tomorrow's
ferry will be fine." Better to lose the couple of days it would take him to
get to Osaka on the International Ferry,than lose a month or more if he
were mistaken and had to find work to rebuild his finances. If he'd made a
mistake, it wouldn't take long to find out. But if there _was_ something
holding Genma in Nerima . . .
Handing Ukyou his change, the clerk took one look at his grim face and took
a step back, fingering the prayer beads in her pocket, muttering a quick
promise to Buddha to burn incense at temple for the next month.
Turning his collar against the rain Ukyou walked out into the night toward
the 'Guest House' where he was staying. At HK$72.00 per night it was three
times more expensive than a dormitory room, but it afforded some privacy and
Ukyou had decided to treat himself.
Waving off a taxi, he threaded his way through the crowded, twisting streets
of Kowloon. It was even worse than he remembered from when he'd passed
through on the way to Qinhai, only a few months ago. Vendors hawking fake
watches were more aggressive, the topless bars were a little sadder and it
was altogether a depressing place. The rain didn't wash it clean, but only
made it smell like a wet dog. A dog that had been rolling in diesel fuel and
urine.
[Hmm, I'd replace the period after the first use of "dog" with an em-dash.
As written, "A dog that had been rolling..." is a sentence fragment.]
Arriving at the tiny clap-board Guest House Ukyou nodded to the night clerk
and plodded upstairs to his room.
[Ah, "clapboard" is one word. You need to install a comma after "House".]
Undressing, he put on a cheap robe provided by the Guest House, gathered his
bath things and walked the few steps to the shared bathing facilities.
Locking the door behind him he frowned at the minuscule shower with chipped
chrome-plated taps, fantasizing about a _real_ bath. Acres and oceans of
hot water; soaking for hours in a furo, like he used to do at
home----savagely he cut off that train of thought.
["As he once did" rather than "as he used to do" or use Ukyou's POV instead
of the Omniscient Observer.]
He had no home. No family, not even a name, after the clan had disowned
them. But one day . . .one day he would reclaim his birthright.
[Disowned them? Is that really what you meant?]
Pushing aside those thoughts he gave the cold-tap a savage twist, dropping
his robe to the floor. His lip curled in disgust at the pale, softly rounded
figure reflected in the cracked mirror above the sink.
[Need a comma after "thoughts". Oh, boy. Ukyou is as female in this story as
she is in the manga.]
Steeling himself he stepped beneath the freezing spray.
[Only she really does think of herself as being male. Nice trick, Allyn. I
should have snapped to it sooner.]
Discipline. Strength. A hot bath was for weaklings and women. He was strong.
A shudder wracked his body and he turned his face to the stinging spray,
welcoming the physical pain as the bitterly cold water washed his face like
tears. He was a man.
[Yeah, and the funny thing is, women hold up better to pain and cold than we
do.]
************************************************
Chapter: 15 Pao zhuan yin yu (Cast a brick to attract jade)
"Senpai is resting." The shorter of the three Seiki-Juka guarding the
hospital door said pugnaciously. "No visitors."
[Comma instead of the period after "resting". "The" should NOT be
capitalized. Given that the guard is being aggressive, I'd use an
exclamation mark after "visitors", but that is optional.]
Wordlessly the stranger extended a small pasteboard rectangle, it's pristine
whiteness broken only by an embossed cherry-blossom.
Daisuke's eyes widened in alarm. "It is an honor to have a visitor from 'The
Society of Patriotism'," he began, "but senpai is sleeping now. If you could
please come back----"
[Use an ellipsis after "back" instead of the malformed em-dash.]
"Open the door." the stranger rumbled with quiet menace, lumbering forward.
[Use a comma or an exclamation mark after "door".]
One of the trio, braver or more stupid than the others, stepped in front of
the bear-like man, trying to block the door. The big man simply kept walking
and the young tough suddenly slammed against the wall and slid to the
ground, blood trickling from his mouth and ears. Stunned by the big man's
quickness and strength, Daisuke and his remaining companion simply watched
the stranger enter Kunou's hospital room.
"Kunou-san," the big man wiped his balding head with the silk-handkerchief
he'd used to open the door. "I have instructions from The Society. There is
a package----"
[Place a period or question mark after "Kuno-san" or use a variation of
"said". Rid us of the malformed em-dash, replacing it with an ellipsis.]
The door closed behind him with a click, as the lock engaged.
***** *****
[Abrupt change of scene lacking adequate transitioning.]
This girl stuff was gettin' complicated. Onna-Ranma lounged in the corner of
the doujou, pretending to study. Ukyou could show up again, anytime.
["This girl stuff was gettin' complicated", sets the POV with Onna-Ranma,
but without a "Onna-Ranma thought as she lounged..." it completely
discombobulates the reader.]
Lookin' for Ranma.
And that crazy monk was still hangin' around.
Lookin' for Ranma.
Ranma had run across him the couple of times he'd tried going out as a guy,
and he'd only managed to shake the monk by changing to Ranko.
[We need the word "before" after the word "times", even if you don't.]
*I wonder if there's any chocolate in the house?*
[You wait to use special tagging for thoughts until you get way down here?
You don't really need such stuff in the first place, but if you feel that
you MUST use it, then use it consistently.]
But, bein' a girl was starting to weird him out. He could see things, hear
things, that he didn't see or hear as a guy. Food tasted different, even the
clothes he wore _felt_ different if he was a girl, than if he was guy. He
flexed his fingers, shivering as the slender alien - - _female_ - - digits
moved at his command. He was increasingly uncomfortable in his own
skin-----
*Wasn't there some Rocky-Road in the freezer?*
[Okay, okay! I take back what I said about the special tagging. I'm with you
now, Allyn. Oh, one thing I nearly forgot:
EM-DASHES HAVE ONLY TWO DASHES IN THEM, NOT FUCKING FOUR!]
-----uncomfortable in 'both' his skins. And he didn't like it.
Taking a deep breath, Onna-Ranma calmed himself. Soon, soon he'd be going
back to China and everything would be fine. He just had to hold on a little
longer. Just a little-----longer.
*Some Pocky would hit the spot.*
Trying to distract himself, Onna-Ranma watched Akane workout with a 'wooden
man', and had to fight an urge to join in. Especially when she made a
mistake and he knew he could do it better, even as a girl. Maybe Ranko
could do a _little_ martial arts? Shaking his head, he sank back down.
Ranko was most useful by being as different from Ranma as possible and not
calling attention to herself. He grinned slightly, recalling Hiroshi's
pop-eyed look,just before he - - he hid a grimace at his mistake - - before
_she_, cannon-balled into Kunou. Well, not _too_ much attention.
[Replace the " - " with ellipsis.]
*The big double fudge Pocky, . . .*
But it was kind of hard for Ranma to seduce Akane, if he was never around..
Well, Ranma was around, just not as a boy, which put a crimp in Pop's plans
to scam the doujou . . . Onna-Ranma rubbed his temples wearily.
[Extra period after "around". Replace the ellipsis after "dougjou" with a
period.]
This whole thing was getting just a little out of hand. Normally he didn't
have any trouble staying in character during a con, this girl-stuff was more
difficult than any scam he'd pulled before. He just hoped he didn't start
doin' weird stuff.
*. . . with the dark chocolate filling. Mmmmmmm.*
[BWAHA! BWAHA-HA-HA-HA! I like this little stunt, Allyn. It works.]
Eyes tight with a building headache, Ranko slid her unread books aside and
started wandering around the edges of the doujou, idly playing with various
bits of exercise equipment. Spying a coiled piece of steel she picked it up
and turned it around in her hands. Finally Ranko took one of the knurled
grips in each hand, pushing back and forth, experimentally. Getting a
glimmering of it's use, she tried to push the handles together, grunting at
the effort it took.
He _really_ hated how weak Ranko was compared to Ranma. Being faster and
more flexible didn't make up for being weak like a _girl_!
Setting herself, Ranko pressed hard against the two ends of the steel-coil.
Sweat beaded her brow as the coil slowly compressed----- if only his
girl-form had more upper- body strength----but, dammit, if Akane could do
this so could he, or rather she, or . . .oh the heck with it. He was
starting to get another headache just trying to keep who he was, straight.
Once----twice----four times Ranko forced the steel coil three-quarters
closed, then stopped, chest and shoulder muscles burning with strain.
"Oh, there it is," Ranko turned to see Akane looking at her.
[Grrr! First we get Akane's dialogue without a tag, immediately followed by
an action of Ranko's, then we get Ranko registering the fact that Akane is
looking at her. Do you really expect a reader to keep up with this stuff
without dropping out of the story? Geez, Allyn. Here's what works:
"Oh, there it is!"
Ranko turned upon hearing the voice and found Akane looking at her.
"Coud you throw that to me, please, Ranko?"
When you group sentences into paragraphs by character, the reader can easily
follow the story. When you jam it all together, the story becomes too damned
irritating to read.]
"Could you throw that to me please, Ranko?"
She tossed it to Akane, curious to see how many repetitions the other girl
could do.
"Thanks." Akane grabbed the coil one handed. "Kasumi is always trying to
teach me to be neater."
Ranko felt her jaw drop as Akane took an identical coil in her opposite hand
and begin to rhythmically open and close them, pressing the handles of the
coils together with a small click.
"How----" Ranko swallowed hard and tried again. "How many times can you do
that?" Fascinated she watched the muscles of Akane's forearms bunch and
relax, like the flexing of a giant anaconda.
[Ellipsis instead of the malformed em-dash. Replace the period after "again"
with a comma.]
"Hmmmm . . ." Akane was fast sinking into the endorphin bliss common to
weight lifters. "Oh . . .about two hundred reps with light resistance to
warm up." She indicated another, thicker, set of hand-grips on the floor at
her feet. "Then I double the resistance to one-hundred-forty kilograms and
do half as many reps, for strength training. I alternate by doing as many
reps as possible in one minute, every other day, for speed training." She
closed her eyes, concentrating on her workout.
[POV shifted from Ranko/Onna-Ranma to Akane.]
Onna-Ranma curled his lip in disgust at 'her' tiny female hands, then
continued exploring. Keeping an eye on Akane's workout while wandering
around, Onna-Ranma idly speculated on the best way to counter her moves.
[POV shifted from Akane to Ranma. You should have Ranko look at her hands,
then curl her lip in disgust. The reader must pause at the 'she' and wonder
whose hands Ranko is curling her lip at.]
Akane was a grappler. Bulky, dense bone and muscle structure. Onna-Ranma
watched the hard round globes of Akane's buttocks shift and flex under her
unitard as she limped across the floor to the heavy-bag.
Not very fast on her feet or maneuverable. That made Akane vulnerable to
punches and especially kicks, anything long-range. Onna-Ranma watched her
shake the five-hundred pound bag with short, vicious jabs.
Strong, though, with quick reflexes, he reminded himself, recalling how
Akane had almost countered his arrastao takedown. She could probably take a
lot of punishment too----the thin material of Akane's worn unitard
stretched tightly over a hard-sculpted belly and iron-muscled thighs, like
young tree trunks----but you couldn't armor eyes, groin or throat with
muscle. And that knee was vulnerable. He imagined a quick side-kick,
shearing muscle and tendon, splintering bone. The shriek of pain and spray
of blood as she went down.
[You have several sentence fragments in the preceding three paragraphs. They
are okay, for this POV, but I flag them on the off chance that you do not
realize they are here.]
Shuddering Onna-Ranma quickly pushed that image away. Seduction and pain
didn't go together. The memory of a Spanish architect's wife in Algeria with
a fetish for spandex and riding crops popped up and was quickly suppressed.
And broken bones would definitely put a damper on the whole marriage thing.
On the other hand, Akane wouldn't respect a guy who couldn't at least hold
his own against her. Onna-Ranma didn't have any doubt Ranma could beat Akane
to pieces in an all-out fight. Male, he was faster with more reach and
skill, which meant he could deliver his power more effectively. Ranko was
even faster, and while not as strong, and more than made up for Akane's
strength with technique and versatility. Akane was too limited with her hard
linear style.
And no matter what form _he_ was in, Akane still believed all those
fairy-tales about honorable samurai, while Ranma had forgotten more dirty
tricks than she could learn in three lifetimes. The _real_ trick, though,
would be to stop her, without hurting her.
[Ah! The dilemma that confronts all Amazon males. Who wants an ugly wife?]
Ranma would have to go in fast and hard, keep Akane off balance. Close in,
hook behind the weak leg and do a twisting take-down so she landed on her
face. Quickly tie-up those powerful legs with a modified Python-Kills-Young-
Goat, wrapping up her legs with his, forcing them apart so she didn't have
any leverage.
If Akane got her feet under her, she'd kill him.
Akane had tremendous power, so he'd counter with soft-styles, use her own
strength against her, make her exhaust herself.
It wouldn't be easy----Ranma could imagine the titanic struggle as he
pressed Akane down into the ground, superior technique against brute
muscle. It would be like trying to ride an earthquake as Akane bucked and
heaved, trying to throw him off. Rama would just have to take the battering
as she slammed him around.
And her hands! Ranma couldn't forget her hands, like hydraulic clamps. Arms
and shoulders like a mountain gorilla. She'd hammer him to pieces up close,
so another joint lock was his only chance. Mu Tau Pankration or maybe
something from India, that Akane wouldn't know. Couldn't counter.
It would be Ranma's speed and technique against brute force and
stubbornness. He'd have to accept that he'd get hurt, take some punishment
and hold on. No matter how Akane struggled, if he had the endurance, he
could hold her. He would have to grapple, force her to submit. Hold tight to
her flushed, sweat slick skin - -
Ranko felt an electric shock as the material of her silk shirt suddenly
rasped like sandpaper against a too sensitive chest.
*Cripes.*
This girl stuff was gettin' complicated.
[Great stuff, Allyn. You still need to polish the mechanics out, but your
imagination is working overtime on this one.]
***** ******
[A bewildering change in scene lacking adequate transition, compounded by
the failure to properly set the scene up.]
Nabiki's fingers flicked rapidly over her abacas, totaling up figures in a
ledger. "Okay, I think that does it." Counting out bills and coins she paid
off her assistants. "I've got a line on some refurbished machines that may
come on the market at the end of the week." There were signs of interest all
around at that. "There may even be a few of last years Delphi, the all
electronic one."
[Twenty pounds of story jammed into a two-ounce paragraph.]
Soft whistles and eager looks greeted that announcement.
"So, who get's 'em boss?" Noriko looked around at the five other girls.
"I think it should be based on seniority," offered the oldest of Nabiki's
helpers.
"Bull," Moeko snapped. "Whoever's got the most profitable set-up should get
the new machines."
"How about a lottery----"
[Replace the malformed em-dash with a question mark.]
"Ladies, ladies," Nabiki held up a hand to still the babble.
[An exclamation mark after the second use of "ladies" is in order, but still
optional.]
"I've made up an information packet on all I know about these units," she
passed sealed envelops down the table. "but you should know that these
machines have a spotty record.
[Do one or the other, Allyn. Use the "I'm lazy and ain't gonna use "said"
approach, or use said. The hybrid is intolerable. Take careful notice of the
differences in punctuation and capitalization. Remember that when you start
a sentence with a conjunction, a thing you should avoid as much as possible,
you must place a comma immediately after the conjunction.
"I've made up an information packet on all I know about these units," she
said, passing sealed envelopes down the table, "but you should know that
these machines have a spotty record. Most placements..."
Or, alternatively,
"I've made up an information packet on all I know about these units." Nabiki
passed sealed envelopes down the table. "But, you should know that these
machines have a spotty record. Most placements..."
The former is much easier for the reader than is the latter.]
Most placements have done very well, at least initially, because of the
novelty. But pachinko players are a conservative bunch and most machines
gathered dust after the first few weeks. That's why they're on the
refurbished market so soon."
She waited for that to sink in. An unused machine was a dead loss,
especially since they would still have to pay rent on space for the machine,
even if no one ever used it.[WE POOR READERS NEED A PARAGRAPH BREAK HERE,
EVEN IF YOU DON'T.] "You know your areas best," she continued, "so I'll want
a written proposal from each of you on the risk benefits of using the new
machines in your area. And, because of the risk, I'm upping the normal
rake-off to fifty percent for the first year on the new machines."
There were gasps of delight, then one or two of the girls frowned as they
realized what that meant. More profit for them if things went well, but a
much greater loss if things went wrong. And Nabiki still got her ten percent
off the top, no matter what.
"No hurry," Nabiki smiled as she watched various thoughts chase around
inside her helpers heads. "The machines won't be available for inspection
until next week, so you have at least that long to think about it."
[Smiling will not utter dialogue--not a single bloody line of it. Place a
period after "hurry" or use some form of "said".]
"Nabiki?" Noriko paused for a moment after the others left.
[Read this one aloud. It's a first-rate clanker.]
"Yeah?" Nabiki replied absently, stuffing papers into her book bag.
"My sister works at the hospital . . ."
It took Nabiki a moment to understand, then she snapped to alertness. "Yes?"
She said more carefully.
[Replace "said" with "asked", delete "more". You might consider
embellishment, as in "Yes?" she asked in a careful voice. Oh, and not that
"She" should NOT be capitalized.]
"Kunou-senpai has left. No one knows where he went," she hastened to answer
Nabiki's next question. "he just left in the middle of the night, without
even checking out."
[There are two "she's" in the scene. Replace "she hastened..." with "Noriko
hastened...". Place a comma after "question" instead of the period.]
"I called the hospital today, and they just said he was improving," Nabiki
murmured, wheels turning furiously as she tried to figure out what this
meant.
["...as wheels turned furiously in her head." The rest is superfluous. Use
that favorite knife of yours to trim prose.]
"A lot of the Seiki-Juka were absent today as well." Noriko added.
[Comma instead of a period after "well".]
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Because Kunou scares me," Noriko admitted, "and he doesn't scare you or
your sister. I don't know if it means anything, but I wanted you to know
about the hospital."
"Thanks," Nabiki watched the other girl leave the coffee shop. "I won't
forget this."
[Use "said" or place a period after "Thanks".]
Kunou didn't scare Akane, because she was too naive to see what a bastard he
was. And, Nabiki admitted, because Akane could twist the head off a
water-buffalo with her bare hands.
Nabiki saw herself as the intellectual type. As a child she'd watched a
student fall wrong, landing with his arm straight, instead of flexed. The
limb had folded _backward_ - - with a snap like a pencil breaking - - until
his wrist met his shoulder blade. Splintered bone had erupted from his skin,
like a cluster of horrible white and red weeds, spraying Nabiki with blood,
while the sound of his agonized screams filled her ears.
[Replace the " - - " with plain old ordinary commas. The description alone
is more than adequate without comic book grade flapdoodle.]
She'd become so terrified of falling, it had been a year before she'd even
walk up the stairs to her room, instead sleeping on a futon in the family
room.
[Too much stuff in one sentence. Time to cut. Insert the word "that" between
"falling" and the word "it", deleting the comma after "falling". This much
you must do whether or not you elect to prune this sentence. I would place a
period after "room", and be done with it. If however, you think it vital
that the reader understand that Nabiki slept on the first floor for a while
after this incident, tell us about it in another sentence.]
She'd gradually gotten better - - better at least at hiding her fear - -
but the thought of hitting someone, of _getting_ hit, or thrown, nauseated
her.
[Oof! Malformed em-dashes where they are neither needed nor wanted,
compounded by a phrase including a squinting modifier.
She had gradually gotten better. At least, she had gotten better at hiding
her fear, but the thought of hitting someone, of getting hit herself, or
thrown, nauseated her.]
Nabiki never been able to understand how Akane could spar with broken bones
or keep on training when her body was a mass of bruises. But it made her
ashamed of her own weakness, and angry as well. She'd learned to hide her
anger, too.
[A comma is needed after "bones" and another after "bruises" replacing the
period, take the capital "B" out of the conjunction "But". Replace the comma
after "weakness" with an em-dash--a properly formed em-dash, if you would,
please, Allyn.]
Regardless of what Noriko thought, Kunou _did_ scare her. Ukyou too, she
thought, shuddering as she recalled the effort it had taken to hide that
fear when she'd faced him down. And how she'd emptied her lunch into the
toilet afterwards.
[Replace the period after "down" with a comma, take the capital "A" out of
"and".]
Shaking off her morbid reflections she tried to imagine what could be going
on.
[Comma needed after "reflections". Notice that you usually will need a comma
to separate a subordinate clause which starts with a gerund (a gerund is a
verb ending in "ing").]
Kunou wasn't supposed to leave the hospital for another week. Why make her
think Kunou was still in the hospital when she called? She couldn't imagine
what had led, or driven, Kunou to leave the hospital secretly, but it
couldn't be good.
[More importantly, why did the staff lie to her?]
Nabiki decided to swing by the Kunou estate. If Kodachi was home, and living
in the twentieth century - - although Nabiki was willing to settle for any
period that at least had her speaking Japanese - -she could probably find
out what Kunou was up to.
[Replace the malformed em-dashes with commas and delete the superfluous
"although". Replace "her" with "Kodachi".]
If Nabiki hadn't been so preoccupied with her thoughts she might have sensed
that she was herself of great interest to other eyes.
[Fairly good transition to another POV, but will the author actually use it?
Read on, McDuff! We shall see!]
Almost within sight of the Kunou estate she was literally snatched off her
feet as she passed behind a concrete berm, left over from a make-work
flood-control project.
[No, not really. POV almost makes it to that of an Independent Oberver, but
not quite. Failure to control the VOICE. Personally, I think you would have
done well to shift the POV over to Nabiki's stalker/assailant.]
Nabiki had time for one startled squawk, before she landed face down in a
ditch, a hard knee in her spine, pressing her into the dirt.
"Where is he?"
Shaking in fear, it took a moment before she could answer. "Where . . .where
is who?"
"WHERE!" A cruel hand yanked her head back, bringing tears to her eyes.
"IS!" Another hand grabbed her by the throat. HE!!"
[Man! You REALLY like beatin' up on Nab's, don'tcha, Allyn?]
The pressure left suddenly and she rolled onto her side, gagging and gasping
for breath. Looking up through her tears she could make out a blurry figure
with something large strapped across . . .
[Oh, bother! "Across its shoulders"]
"Ukyou?" she croaked, looking at the face twisted in a killing rage.*oh
shit.* She felt her bones turn to jelly and she would have wet herself if
she hadn't already gone at the coffee shop.
[Oh, shit! Nabiki thought. Or, if you simply must eschew proper tagging and
use the sophomoric special characters, *Oh, shit!*]
"Where's Ranma? Or Genma. I'll settle for either."
"If I knew . . ." A cold shudder wracked Nabiki as she tried to curl into a
ball, *Damn you Ranma. This is all your fault.*
[Yechh! An otherwise well done action scene positively ruined by inadequate
tagging and erroneous punctuation.]
"If I knew were Genma was," Nabiki shivered as she felt Ukyou's hands on
her. " I'd tell you" She clenched her teeth, trying not to vomit.*Please
don't hit me. Please don't hit me.* "But I don't know . . .don't know . . .
they both took off. Just took off."
[Again, good stuff ruined by poor tagging and the failure to use paragraph
breaks to good advantage.]
"Liar!" Ukyou grabbed Nabiki and dragged her to her knees.
"Please . . ." Nabiki whimpered, hating the way she sounded. Hated the way
she would do anything to make Ukyou just go away. "Please . . .I don't know
anything."
[Replace the ellipsis after "Please" with a comma. "Hated" should be
"hating".]
"I don't trust you," Ukyou grated. "You all lied to me last time, helped
that fat bastard and his son get away," his hands tightened on her shoulders
and Nabiki bit back a gasp of pain. "And you sicked that nut-case principal
and those goons in pin-stripes on me. So, tell me what I want to know!"
[More hopelessly entangled action, improperly utilized pronouns and the
author's penchant for never using exclamation marks.
"I don't trust you!" Ukyou grated. "You all lied to me last time, helped
that fat bastard and his son get away. Ukyou's hand tightened on Nabiki's
shoulders, causing Nabiki to bite back a gasp of pain.
"And, you sicced that nut-case principal and those goons in pin-stripes on
me, so tell me what I want to know!"
Note that M$-Word and probably most other spelling checker will not like
"sicced" but that's the way it is spelled. ]
*He has beautiful hands.* The thought came to Nabiki involuntarily, even as
Ukyou increased the pressure, sending shooting pains through her arms and
neck.
"Please----don't hurt me anymore," she gasped, face twisted in pain as she
twisted helplessly in Ukyou's grip. "I'll tell you . . .I'll tell . . ."
[Ellipsis instead of the malformed em-dash after "Please". Insert "her"
between "gasped," and "face".]
Ukyou relaxed his grip slightly and bent to help her up. As he did, reflexes
Nabiki had long forgotten took over; something Souun taught all of his
daughters, making them practice hour-after-hour, until their bones ached and
their fingers bled from striking the wooden-man.
Nabiki's left hand snaked behind Ukyou's head and pulled, while her right
hand skimmed upward along his chest and rammed, stiff fingered, into his
eyes. Ukyou fell back with a scream clawing at his face. His screams were
cut off abruptly as Nabiki scrambled to her feet and slammed her book bag
into the side of his head. She took a moment to kick him in the back of the
knee, recalling another lesson----*never show your back to an enemy who is
faster than you are*---- before running like hell for home.
[More malformed em-dashes where they are neither needed nor wanted.
Recalling another lesson, that of never turning her back on an enemy faster
than she was, she kicked him in the back of the knee before running like
hell for home.]
Sprinting down the street, a broad grin split her face. She was bruised,
filthy and scared, but---- reliving the satisfying thud her bag made as it
hit Ukyou's head----she felt _wonderful_!
[More unnecessary and malformed em-dashes.]
***** *****
[Acceptably abrupt change in scene. POV is that of an Independent Observer.
Whether said Observer is omniscient remains to be seen.]
Branches rustled where there was no wind as two shadows met and spoke.
"I have found them, or at least I have found where they were."
"How long ago?"
"A week, perhaps a little more since the wild-horse was seen. His 'cousin'
has been much in evidence of late. "
[Here, you have used the single quotes correctly, in the only place wherein
they are allowed, inside a pair of double quotes.]
There was a chuckle from the small shadow. "Amusing, but unimportant. The
father is the one we need. What fortune in finding the fat-man?"
"Well hidden, for one so large. One that matches his build was seen talking
to the sword-fool at the hospital. The sword-fool stays with friends now
and there is much going and coming for one supposedly so sick. I thought to
visit----"
[Replace the malformed em-dash with an ellipsis.]
"Leave that to me," ordered the smaller shadow, "It could be a trick, that
the fat-man let himself be seen. If the sword-fool knows anything, he will
tell me all, and never recall the telling."
[Replace the comma after "shadow" with a period.]
"Then I will question those that have given them shelter. One among the
crying-man's family may know where the fat-man lies hid, or may have some
clue to what we seek. It may even be----."
[Replace the malformed em-dash with an ellipsis.]
"You will _watch_," the small shadow snapped in a voice of unchallenged
command. "This is not our land, nor is our fight with _any_ other than our
prey." The tall shadow shifted uneasily at the rebuke.
[Replace the comma after "_watch_" with an exclamation mark.]
"Watch and listen," the small shadow commanded. "If you learn aught, do
nothing. Come tell me at once. Do you understand!"
The tall shadow made a gesture of acknowledgment and the small shadow
trickled away into deeper shadows and vanished. The tall shadow waited a
moment more before leaving. The fat-man was almost within their grasp and to
let him or his devil-spawn escape because they stepped too lightly around
these barbarians was intolerable. Fortunately, understanding was not the
same as obedience.
[This scene worked quite well. All you need to do is to fix the punctuation
gobbles.]
************************************************
Chapter: 16 Ku rou ji (Inflict injury on yourself to win the enemy's trust)
"I . . .I appreciate you letting me stay with you while father is gone."
Ranko said softly.
[Replace the period after "gone" with a comma.]
"It's not any problem," Akane finished making up the spare bed and plumped
the pillow. "especially with that Ukyou running lose." She beat a clenched
fist against her thigh in frustration, remembering the bruises on Nabiki's
arms and shoulders. If she ever caught that guy, she was going to-- --
[POV now established with Akane. Replace the period after "pillow" with a
comma, or capitalize "especially". Personally, I'd replace the period. I
suspect you meant to write "If she was ever caught that guy, she was going
to...to...", but cannot be certain.]
"A . . .are you alright?" Ranko asked in concern.
A shudder passed through her body and Akane made herself relax. She had to
be careful of her temper."I'm fine," Akane forced a smile for her guest.
"Let's go to sleep."
[Internal action mixed with gesture mixed with dialogue, mixed with thought
and speech sans proper tagging.
A shudder passed through her body, causing Akane to admonish herself. She
had to be careful of her temper! She made herself relax as she forced a
smile for her guest.
"I'm fine," Akane managed to say without gritting her teeth. "Let's go to
sleep."]
Listening to Akane's soft even breathing, Ranko smiled in the dark. If Ranma
couldn't be around, it was up to Ranko to prepare the ground. And girls
trusted other girls the way they would never trust a guy. This was almost
too easy. . .
[Change in POV from that of Akane to that of Ranko, but in this case, it is
both warranted and necessary because Akane is now asleep.]
"Ranko? What's wrong?" Akane stirred as a sound penetrated her
consciousness.
[I should have known it wouldn't last. POV immediately shifted back to
Akane. Also, Akane appears to have done more than "stirred" given that she
is actually speaking aloud to her bedmate.]
"N . . nothing," Ranko bit her pillow to stifle a sob.
"It's not, 'nothing'," Akane said, snapping on the light. "What's----you're
crying?" Akane slipped out of bed and went to kneel stiffly beside the other
girl. "What is it?"
"Y . . .you'll think I'm silly," Ranko buried her head in her pillow. "I'm
sorry I woke you up. Please go back to sleep."
"Don't worry about that! Are you sick?" Akane put her hand on Ranko's cheek
to feel for fever. "Should I get Kasumi or----"
"mn scrd uko gt m" Ranko mumbled into her pillow.
"What?" Akane leaned closer. "I couldn't hear you. What----"
[Ellipsis instead of the malformed em-dash.]
"I'm scared Ukyou is going to get me!" Ranko wailed, throwing herself into
Akane's arms. "He was mean to me at school and he was mean to Nabiki and now
he's back and----"
[Ellipsis instead of the malformed em-dash.]
Akane's arms tightened protectively, and she was startled at how tiny and
helpless Ranko felt.
"You just let him try," Akane growled, "and I'll fix him, good. Now don't
worry and go back to sleep." She tried to pull away but the smaller girl
only sobbed harder and clung to her like a limpet.
Akane awkwardly patted Ranko on the back, feeling wretched. She didn't know
how to handle this and wished Kasumi was here. Thinking of her sister
inspired her.
"I've got an idea," She gently pulled the girl free and sat her on the bed.
[Replace the comma after "idea" with a period, or use said. Actually, this
situation that practically cries out for an "Akane said as she gently...",
but I'm just an old fuddy-duddy, right? The action is confusing, because as
far as the reader knows, Akane and Ranko were already in bed when this all
began to occur.]
Grabbing the frame she heaved, lifting bed, Ranko and all, to shove them up
against her own bed.
[Okay, now we get it! They were in separate beds! Why didn't you say so
sooner? Oh, wait! You DID say so sooner. My bad. However, if more than one
reader trips over this one, you should consider emphasizing the bedding
situation a little more early in the scene.]
"Scoot over," She pushed Ranko onto what had been her bed, then lay down on
Ranko's bed. "If anybody comes in, they've got to get by _me_ first." Her
tone indicated she hoped someone would be stupid enough to try.
[Use a period instead of the comma after "over" or use said.]
Ranko smiled tremulously, then turned to face the wall, curling into a
little ball.
Sighing, Akane lay back down, but sleep wouldn't come as her knee began to
ache. *Stupid showoff* she thought disgustedly. *You could have just slid
the bed across the floor. But you _had_ to lift the bed with her on it. You
are such an idiot.* Her knee indicated agreement with a stab of pain and
Akane shifted restlessly. Another sharp jolt brought tears to her eyes and
she stifled a moan. This was going to be a long night.
[Comma instead of a period after "floor" take the capital "B" out of the
conjunction "But".]
Two small, warm hands clasped her leg and Akane barely stifled a small
shriek.
"Cousin Ranma showed me a little trick," Ranko murmured shyly. "Maybe I can
help." Before Akane could protest, Ranko stripped off her pajama bottoms
with one swift move, leaving Akane wearing only panties and shirt.
[Everything after "Maybe I can help." belongs in a paragraph of its own.]
"You really should be more careful," Ranko cupped Akane's knee in her left
hand and began making tiny circles around the edges with her other hand.
"you can cause a permanent injury if you don't take care of yourself."
[Cupping Akane's knee will not allow Ranko to utter dialogue. Either replace
the comma after "careful" with a period, or use some form of "said". No
matter what you do about that, "you" should be capitalized.]
"I . . .I'm Okay," Akane stuttered, feeling shy and vulnerable. "You . .
.you can go back to sleep . . .now." She gasped as Ranko's fingers moved
dangerously far up her leg, then back down again. Over and over again,
strong clever fingers traced a path along her flesh. A languorous warmth
spread up her leg and through her entire body, leaving Akane weak and limp.
"Ooops, did that tickle?" Ranko trailed the back of her fingers up the
inside of Akane's leg, feeling the muscle quiver. "I'm sorry."
[POV shifted from Akane to that of Ranko at a most inopportune moment.]
" 'S a'right,"Akane slurred, voice heavy with sleep. "I'm not tic'lsh."
[Now, right here is where you should shift the POV over to Ranko. Akane is
far enough gone that it becomes mandatory.]
"Well, that's good," Ranko said, shifting her grip so that she held Akane's
leg in both hands, with the thumbs close together at the top and the fingers
underneath. "I'm ever so ticklish myself," she lied, pulling her thumbs
apart briskly, working her way down the leg, past the knee to the ankle,
then starting at the top again. "my friends all used to gang up on me at
slumber parties and stuff," Onna-Ranma continued ministering the leg while
recounting stories 'Ranko' had heard at Furinkan. "and tickle me until I
cried. It was awful." She continued with relish, delicately checking Akane's
knee. "Don't you just hate that?"
[This unholy tangle is direct result of your not watching POV, giving you an
almost impossible puzzle in punctuation and paragraph breaking to solve.
With just a minor change, it unravels and becomes clear to the reader.
Notice the paragraph breaks:
"Well, that's good," Ranko said, shifting her grip so that she held Akane's
leg in both hands with her thumbs close together at the top, and her fingers
underneath. {{{{Ranko smiled down at the nearly unconscious Akane.}}}}
"I'm ever so ticklish, myself," Ranko lied, pulling her thumbs apart
briskly, then working her way down Akane's leg, past her knee to the ankle,
then back up again. "My friends all used to gang up on me at slumber parties
and stuff..."
Onna-Ranma continued ministering to Akane's leg while recounting stories
"Ranko" had heard at Furinkan.
"...tickle me until I cried. It was awful."
Ranko continued work on Akane's leg with relish, delicately checking her
knee.
"Don't you just hate that?" Ranko asked.]
"D'no," Akane mumbled. "N'vr h'ppn."
"You've never been tickled?" Ranko gently drew the covers back over Akane,
being especially careful not to jar her leg.
"N'r been sl'mbr party."
"Never?" Ranko listened to Akane's soft snoring for a moment. "Every girl
should have a slumber party." Ranko wadded up Akane's pajama bottoms and
chucked them through the dark into the trash can. She wouldn't need those
anymore.
[trashcan]
***** ***** [Abruptness in the change of scene acceptable, provided it
proves to be breakfast at Tendo-ke.]
"Don't eat so fast, it's bad for your digestion."
"Sorry."
"Here, have some more ham."
"Alright, but I want you to try some of this, first."
[All right. Two words, "all" and "right".]
Nabiki shuddered as Ranko accepted a bite of asparagus-cauliflower-beet log
rolled in molasses- soy- oatbran - - and appeared to _enjoy_ it!
[More em-dash madness where there should be commas or hyphens. I can't say
what went wrong for sure. POV now established with Nabiki.]
This was just too weird. Other than a weakness for brutally hot peppers,
Akane normally ate as if she were fueling a machine, quickly and
efficiently, so she didn't waste time she could use for training. To watch
Akane sit quietly while Ranko scolded her about her eating habits was
unnatural. What in the world could have happened between them in just a few
days?
"Do you want me to help with the dishes?"
Nabiki came out of her reverie to see Akane looking at her questioningly.
"No, they'll keep. We can just put them in the sink 'til later."
"Where's daddy this morning?" Akane asked as she piled dishes in the sink.
"Wasn't it his turn to fix breakfast?"
[Daddy]
Nabiki bit her lip wondering how to answer that one. Souun had listened very
carefully to her story when she'd come running in the house after escaping
Ukyou. He'd looked at her torn dress, dirty face and run gentle fingers
along her bruises. Then he'd kissed her on the forehead, and walked out the
door.
[Oof! Look out, Ukyou!]
"Yes, but the council is arguing about where to put new recycling bins"
Nabiki lied, "and daddy wanted to get there early to round up support."
[Insert a comma after "bins".]
By unspoken agreement, over the years she and Kasumi had conspired to keep
the baby of the family ignorant of how troubled their father really was. It
wasn't entirely unselfish. Watching Akane's unspoiled interaction with
Souun, helped them both pretend they had a happy, normal family.
"Oh good," Akane said in relief. "He looked so mad the other day I was
afraid he might do something dangerous, like go looking for Ukyou by
himself."
[Comma after "Oh".]
Nabiki hadn't thought of that----
After their mother died, Souun had spent all of his time teaching, crying
and drinking. Then, crying and drinking, and finally, just drinking.
[Unnecessary and malformed em-dash, followed by an unnecessary paragraph
break.]
Nabiki could still see Kasumi laying at the bottom of the stairs - - her leg
bent at an odd angle - - with Souun on the floor next to her, an empty sake
bottle still clenched in his fist.
[I always get into trouble with lie, lay, laid, lying and laying, but I
think this should by "lying". Replace the malformed em-dashes with commas.
Replace the "with" in "with Soun" with "and Soun".]
At first Nabiki thought he was dead, and felt relieved. Then she realized
Souun was only dead drunk, and got angry at him because he couldn't even get
that right.
[Comma after "first". Remove the comma after "dead".]
He'd sobered up to an empty house and his three daughters at the emergency
ward.
Kasumi's leg healed.
Akane learned that you didn't microwave whole eggs.
Souun stopped drinking and started crying again.
Nabiki started living for today, because even if tomorrow came, it was
probably going to be a real bitch.
Souun hadn't taken a drink in years and Nabiki had almost forgiven him for
loving sake more than he loved them. Loved her.
Then Saotome Genma had shown up.
[You got any more soap left in that bottle, Allyn? I'll be back. I gotta go
find the Peptobismol.]
-----Nabiki hoped Souun had only done something dangerous, and not something
stupid.
[Please relieve us of the unnecessary and malformed em-dash ahead of
"Nabiki".]
"Kasumi's studying for her exams, so we're going to have to make some more
changes in the chore schedule," Nabiki told Akane, hoping to head off any
more questions about their father. "Do you have any preferences?"
"Uhhh . . .no, just whatever you want me to do." Nabiki didn't miss the way
Akane had glanced at Ranko before answering and wished Kasumi were home.
Nabiki thought briefly about calling her, then dismissed it. The Tendou
finances didn't come close to covering medical school, and Kasumi's
scholarship depended on how well she did on her exams. And how well she did,
depended on peace and quiet, which was in short supply at the Tendou home
lately.
[Akane's answer to Nabiki's question belongs in a paragraph of its own.]
"That's fine, just be sure to check the list when you get home."
Nabiki poured a final cup of coffee as the other two girls headed to school.
"What's in this?" Ranko grabbed Akane's bag along with hers on the way to
the door - - or tried to. Nabiki was impressed to see the smaller girl
actually shifted it slightly from the floor.
[Insert "that" between "see" and "the".]
"Ummm, books. Mostly." Akane muttered.
[Replace the period after "books" with a comma. Take the capital "M" out of
"Mostly". Alternatively, you could write it thus:
"Umm, books," Akane muttered. "Mostly."]
"Mostly?" Ranko's eyebrows came together in a slight frown, then she bent
and pulled the bag open. "Mostly?" She repeated, pulling a small, heavy sack
from the interior. "Most- ly??" She pulled two more from the interior.
"What's in these?"
[Oh, geez! I really wish you would stop doing this, Allyn!
"Mostly?" Ranko's eyebrows came together in a slight frown, then she bent
over and pulled the bag open.
"Mostly?" Ranko repeated, pulling a small, heavy sack from the interior.
"Mo-stly?" Ranko asked incredulously as she pulled two more such sacks out
of the book bag. "What's in these?"
SEE HOW MUCH EASIER THIS IS TO READ? DO YOU?]
"Uhhh, just a little . . .lead." Akane, said the last almost inaudibly,
reaching for the sack in Ranko's hand, only to have her drop it out of
reach.
[Comma instead of a period after "lead".]
"Why do you have lead in your book-bag?" Ranko asked mildly.
"Training?" Akane replied in a small voice.
"Not until the knee has completely healed." Ranko snapped, looking harassed.
"What did we talk about yesterday?"
[Comma instead of a period after "healed".]
"Reconstructing the Bok Hok Pai test of courage in the garden?"
"NO!" Ranko bopped Akane on the head.
"Overtraining is bad?"
Ranko smiled. "Now, empty the bag."
"But-----"
"No," Ranko nudged the bag with her foot and it fell over with a metallic
thump. "Now, get rid of 'em." She watched as Akane pulled fifty kilograms of
weight from her bag, then started to shrug into the straps.
["No," Ranko nudged the bag with her foot and it fell over with a metallic
thump.
"Now, get rid of 'em!"
Ranko watched as Akane pulled fifty kilograms of weight from her bag, then
started to shrug into the straps.
"ALL of them," Ranko commanded as she stopped Akane with a hand on her arm.
Akane looked shamefaced, then dumped five more sacks of lead.
SEE? EASIER ON THE READER'S EYES, MEANS IT IS EASIER FOR THE READER TO
FOLLOW THE STORY, MEANS THE AUTHOR IS DOING A BETTER JOB. JUST BECAUSE THE
ACTION IN A SCENE IS PROCEEDING QUICKLY, DOES NOT MEAN THAT IT MUST BE
WRITTEN IN PROSE ALL JAMMED TOGETHER IN A SINGLE PARAGRAPH.
Replace the comma after "them" in "ALL of them" or use said.]
"ALL of them," Ranko stopped Akane with a hand on her arm. Akane looked
shamefaced, then dumped five more sacks of lead.
"Now, the rest of it . . ." Ranko stared at Akane, tapping one dainty foot
impatiently as Akane removed weight belts from her waist, wrists and ankles.
[Replace the out-of-place ellipsis with an exclamation mark.]
"Is that _everything_?"
Akane bit her lip and removed another ten kilograms from a vest under her
shirt and added it to the formidable pile that surrounded her book-bag.
"You need a keeper." Ranko berated as they finally headed out the door.
[Comma after "keeper" instead of a period.]
***** *****
"The dog ate my homework!"
No, Nabiki thought, too cliched.
"I lost it when I used my book-bag to beat off a crazy man with a giant
spatula . . ." ummmm, better stick with the hungry dog. A good lie beats a
bad truth.
She'd never missed a homework assignment in her life and now this! If she
ever caught up with that Ukyou guy she'd----
"You forgot this, the other day."
"Aaaaaak!" Nabiki jumped back, pressing her hand to her thundering heart.
"Ukyou?"
He looked terrible. His face was all puffy and had turned an interesting
shade of yellow-green as the bruises aged. Two black eyes completed the
picture, making him an altogether pitiful sight.
"You look terrible." Nabiki glanced down at the school bag he dangled from
one finger, keeping a careful distance." What's this?"
"Your bag." Ukyou thrust it toward her and she gingerly took it.
[Replace "her" with "Nabiki".]
"What's the deal," she asked suspiciously, "first you try to break my face,
and now you're returning my stuff? Why?"
[Question mark after "deal". Period instead of a comma after "suspiciously"
and capitalize "first".]
"I'm not a thief," the pony-tailed boy muttered surlily, falling in step
with Nabiki. "I just want to kill Saotomes."
[Sorry, Allyn. "Surlily" wouldn't cut it, even if it were actually a word.
At least you got the punctuation right this time.]
"Well, it's certainly refreshing to meet a nice virtuous boy," Nabiki said
blandly. "there are so many ruffians around these days."
[Capitalize "there".]
Ukyou grunted, but refused to be baited.
[bated]
"UKYOU! Prepare to FIGHT!"
"Oh, hi Akane!" Nabiki watched her baby sister lumber down the street at her
best speed, considering the double handicap of a bad leg and the attached
Ranko who was digging in her heels and pounding Akane on the back in a
futile attempt to get her attention.
[Comma after "Ranko".]
"Ukyou," Akane spat, shrugging off Ranko, who immediately reattached to her
arm like a spider-monkey, "You're going to be sorry you attacked my sister!"
[Use "Akane's arm" instead of "her arm". Replace the comma after
"spider-monkey" with a period.]
Ukyou fell into a ready stance, a small bladed weapon appearing in each
hand.
"Knives?" Akane snarled, catching a glimpse of steel. "Great, I can use them
to carve you a new-----you look _terrible_!" she exclaimed, stumbling to a
halt as she got a good look at her opponent. "What in the world happened to
your face?"
[Oh, double yech, Allyn! Holy shit! Haven't you read any of my C&C?
"Knives?" Akane snarled, catching a glimpse of steel. "Great! I can use them
to carve you a new...You look _terrible_!
Akane stumbled to a halt as she as she got a good look at her opponent.
"What in the world happened to your face?" Akane gasped.]
Ukyou flushed and looked down at the ground, suddenly finding his toes
unbearably fascinating.
[POV suddenly shifted to Ukyou. Had you wrote it as follows, you would not
have had the shift in POV:
Nabiki smirked as Ukyou flushed and stared down at his feet as though his
toes had suddenly become unbearably fascinating.
See how this leaves the POV with Nabiki?]
"I do good work, don't I," Nabiki patted Ukyou on his battered face, moving
to stand between the two combatants.
[Question mark after "I" instead of the comma. Insert "asked" after "Nabiki"
and change "patted" to "patting", or use "as she patted", take your pick.]
"I appreciate your concern, baby-sister, but I've got things under control."
Looking at Ukyou's face she felt strong, really strong, not just the shell
she'd always hidden behind.
[Action garbled, dialogue inadequately tagged.
"I appreciate your concern, Baby-sister, but I've got things under control,"
Nabiki said to Akane over her shoulder. Turning her head so that she could
look Ukyou in the eye, Nabiki suddenly felt strong--really strong, not just
the shell she always hid behind.]
"I don't need your help!" Ukyou objected.
"Don't worry, I'll protect you," Nabiki cooed, feeling a thrill of triumph
as Ukyou flushed, angry and embarrassed.
[Flushed, angry and embarrassed? Seems we need the word "became" in there
somewhere.]
She wondered if Akane felt like this when she won a match.
"Listen you," Akane took a heavy step forward, "I'm going to----owwww!"
Ranko grabbed Akane by the ear and yanked. "We're going to be late if you
don't come on. Sorry about that," she apologized to Ukyou, "but she was
_really_ looking forward to breaking your arms and legs." Ranko bowed
politely, as did Akane, albeit only because Ranko had a firm grip on her
ear.
[More of the same, but I leave fixing it as an exercise for the author.]
"Owowowow!"
"You are such a big baby," Ranko chided. "You're just going to have to let
Nabiki beat up on her own boyfriends."
"B...b...boyfriend?" Ukyou stuttered in horror.
"I dunno," Nabiki said doubtfully, "I think I can do better."
[Overall, Allyn, you have improved. You are doing quite a bit better at
controlling POV in these chapters. You are still having a hell of a bad time
punctuating dialogue. You would do well to take my advice concerning the use
of the verb "said" and its variants. It would help you a lot in fixing your
punctuation woes.
You are still piling too much stuff up into paragraphs and are still
organizing your paragraphs poorly. Group your sentences into paragraphs
according to character whenever you have a mix of dialogue, thought,
physical action and what have you. If it is merely descriptive narrative,
you can break paragraphs pretty much as though you were writing non-fiction.
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'