Kind of an interesting idea.
Feel free to ignore any comments you don't agree with. :-)
--On 9/26/02 2:30 PM -0800 Utmost diesel sales ltd. co. wrote:
"I am most definitely lost." Ranma declared as she settled near a
burned-down building, she had been traveling for hours now and up to now
still could not see hide nor hair of her destination.
"hours now and up to now" is kind of repetitive. I'd drop the first 'now'.
But when they
got there, they were swarmed under three platoons of Zeon MS squadrons.
Laager and Hein's units have already fallen, victims of the first volley.
"swarmed under" isn't an expression I've heard before (which may not mean
much). "Swarmed by" or "swarmed over by"?
"We have to hang on, Sayuri. Help is on the way," came Akane's reply
over the communication console.
It is? From where? She doesn't appear to know about Ranma yet, who else
might be coming?
Her eyes widened as her on-board
computer detected another mobile suit approaching from the west, and
nearing their location at a fast clip.
I'd take out "and nearing their location".
Yuka screamed. Her beloved MS had recently lost all power and was, for
all intents and purposes, junk.
"Recently" doesn't seem to fit there.
... I wouldn't even begin to speculate how he survived being
charbroiled but I'm glad he did.
"I won't even..."
I won't quote it, but Kuno's rant/speech/whatever at the end's a bit long
for one paragraph.
Jim