The title speaks for itself, I think...

FAIR WARNING: The following piece contains strong language and

some situations that border on lime-ishness. For you continuity

freaks out there, consider this as taking place three years after

the end of the manga. Some characters may also be borrowed from

the Anime series.

SCRIPT FORMAT WARNING: Yeah, I hate script format too, but

sometimes ya gotta go with it...

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: Characters belong to Takahashi-sama,

situations to Mr. Smith. 

This story was inspired by Andrew Askew's fic Ranma/Clerks,

(available on the RAAC archive) but it isn't a sequel.

*******************************


INTERIOR SHOT: (The camera pans through the various rooms of the

Nekohanten, through the dining room and up the back stairs to the

dormer. The small three room apartment has been renovated, and a

large addition juts out the back over the alley. Inside the new

rooms are twenty some-odd sleeping Amazon girls, ranging in age

from fourteen to eighteen. It looks as if every maiden from

Joketsuzoku is now living at the Nekohanten. The camera slides

back down stairs and into the kitchen. The sun is rising, and

pale December sunlight is streaming in through the window,

lighting the room. On the floor near the garbage can is a

small two foot by two foot cage containing a sleeping white duck

wearing thick coke-bottle glasses. The duck stirs, and opens his

bespectacled eyes. He begins preening his feathers, then, when

that is done, starts to extract a series of improbably large

objects from his wings. A pair of gardening shears, a jade monkey

statue, an ice scraper, some road maps, several left socks, a

pair of train tickets, a hotel reservation stub, and finally a

small blue box. The duck pops the box open with his beak,

revealing an engagement ring sporting a nice sized diamond.

Quacking happily, he tucks the ring and box back into his

feathers, sidles up to the latch on the cage, and bills it open,

exiting with a flurry of flapping wings.

The duck lands on the sink and turns on the left-hand tap,

and promptly hops in to the basin under the stream. In a

cloud of steam, MOUSSE appears, naked save for his glasses. He

clambers out of the sink, humming cheerfully, and dons the

familiar white robes tucked behind his cage. He's a little older

then when last we saw him, he's not as skinny and he's taken to

wearing his hair in a ponytail. Now fully dressed, MOUSSE makes

his way up the stairs to the dormer above the restaurant, and

stops in front of a wooden door with a small kitten-face plaque

on it. Still whistling a cheerful tune, he knocks politely on the

door.)


MOUSSE: 'Morning, sweet Shampoo! It's me, your knight in shining

armor...

(After a moment, SHAMPOO comes to the door, wearing her red

cheongsam outfit with the gold trim. She's as spectacular as

ever, but one thing has changed. Instead of a cold glare, her

eyes hold a very real warmth for MOUSSE. She glomps him quickly

and pulls away, head bowed slightly as if in worry.)

MOUSSE: Ready to go? Our train leaves at nine...

SHAMPOO: Is small problem, Mousse...

MOUSSE: Huh? What's wrong? Aren't you packed?

SHAMPOO:Mousse, you no talk to Cream Rinse yesterday, did you?

MOUSSE:Er... Yeah, I did, for a minute... She said she was going

to be on the old ghoul- er, Revered Elder's game show today. Why?

SHAMPOO:Aiyah! Then you tell Cream Rinse that camera make her

look fat?

MOUSSE: Uh... (cudgeling his brain) I might have mentioned that

the way these TV shows are shot, the camera sometimes makes you

look heavier than you really are...

SHAMPOO:(smacks him upside the head) Stupid Mousse! You not

remember that Cream Rinse have weight problem when young? She

have fattest butt in whole village! When you say camera make her

look fat, she went down to Rec Centre and do laps! In middle of

lap number seven-hundred, embolism pop in Cream Rinse's brain

and she drown!

MOUSSE:(Look of panicked horror on his face) S-she's DEAD?! Oh,

no... Elder Cologne must be going berserk! Did you calm her

down?!

SHAMPOO: Yes, but was not easy...

MOUSSE: Thank the gods! How did you manage it?

SHAMPOO:Shampoo say SHE go on game show for Great Grandmother in

Cream Rinse's place.

MOUSSE: Phew! That's a relief, I- Hey! Wait a minute, no, you

can't do that, today's our trip into Tokyo proper! We've been

planning this for months! I had something special planned-

SHAMPOO: Mousse! Show is very, very important to Great

Grandmother. Whole village contribute to show, if no happen,

village go broke!

MOUSSE: Sure it will! I bet the old ghoul's happy that she could

mess up our date... She's always trying to hook you up with

another Japanese martial artist...

SHAMPOO: No, Mousse! Is not true! Great Grandmother feel terrible

about what happen to Cream Rinse. She very, very upset!


(Quick cut to COLOGNE's room, where the ancient Amazon is

bouncing around the room like a superball, giving whoops of joy)

MOUSSE: Are you kidding? This plays right into her hands...

SHAMPOO: Mousse beginning to sound like twit now...

MOUSSE: (rounding on Shampoo) And you! You ALWAYS go along with

her schemes, like a "good little Amazon" I swear, you're such a

granny's girl it's sick!

SHAMPOO:(furious) Well, you know what Shampoo think is sick? This

relationship!!"

(She slams the door in MOUSSE's face. Undaunted, he lets

himself into her room)

MOUSSE: Aw, c'mon, Shampoo, I though we weren't gonna play these

make-up/break-up games anymore...

SHAMPOO:Mousse no have to worry about make-up. We through for

good!

( She winds up and decks him, sending him spinning off

across the Nerima skyline)

******************************


(Some distance away, at the Tendo Dojo...

AKANE wakes up with a stretch, sleepily giving P-CHAN a

quick squeeze good morning. She sets the little black piglet down

and lets him out, shutting the door behind him. AKANE has grown

into a woman who is no longer merely cute; she's a raging

heartbreaker. She's filled out nicely and though she's still

petite, no one could reasonably call her sexless... 

She dresses before sitting down at her desk to brush out her

hair. As she works the brush through the tangled dark strands,

she sighs sadly. She stops brushing and looks down at her

desktop. Swallowing hard, she stands, exiting her bedroom and

walking downstairs. She finds her family gathered around the

table. KASUMI is serving breakfast, SOUN has his head buried in

the newspaper, NABIKI is leafing through the Financial section,

GENMA, in panda form is wading into a plateful of bamboo

shoots as RANMA, slightly damp and in girl form, wolfs down her

third helping of bacon and eggs. All look a little older than the

last time we've seen them, the fathers a little heavier and

grayer, KASUMI is as lovely as ever, NABIKI is even more well

dressed and affluent looking than usual. RANMA-CHAN's hair is a

little longer, a little more unkempt, although that could just be

bed-head. She's a little taller, but still curvier than AKANE. 

As she enters the room, SOUN looks up from the paper and

acknowledges her with a meaningful nod and a raised eyebrow.

Swallowing hard, she nods back.)

AKANE:(clearing her throat)Ahem. Uh, Ranma? (The redheaded

girl looks up questioningly) We need to talk. Can I speak to

you on the back porch?

(RANMA inhales the rest of her portion and nods. She stands

up and stretches.)

RANMA:Mind if I get some hot water first? 

AKANE:(nodding)That's fine. I'll meet you there.

(RANMA walks into the kitchen to fetch the

kettle. AKANE spares a glance back towards the table, receiving

nods of support from the others. Even GENMA. She walks

out back and sit down with her eyes shut, mentally steeling

herself for the task ahead. In a moment she feels RANMA sit down

next to her. She keeps her eyes resolutely closed. We, however,

can see that RANMA has slid downhill into slackerdom since we saw

him last. He's still in excellent shape, but he's growing a

scruffy goatee and has replaced his chinese shirt with a flannel

shirt over a T-Shirt)

AKANE: Ranma?

RANMA:(absently) Mmm-Hmm? 

(we hear soft, electronic-sounding bleeps, but AKANE seems

to be attempting to ignore them)

AKANE: (softly) I need to know... You DO want to get married,

right?

RANMA: (absently) Geez Akane, what kind of question is that?

(The bleeps continue, but AKANE still has her eyes closed)

AKANE: (pleadingly) I need to hear you say it.

RANMA: (frustrated) Aw, c'mon, Akane, you know I hate talkin'

about this wedding crap! I'm only nineteen, for Kami-sama's sake!

Ain't it enough for ya that I put up with a macho tomboy who

can't cook, can't fight and has all the sex appeal of a wooden

plank?

(AKANE doesn't hear a word after "put up with". It's

enough. Her focus shattered, her aura manifests with an

audible "whoompth" of igniting flames. Her eyes shoot open, and

she spins to glare at him.) 

AKANE: RAN-MAAA...

(She freezes, mouth gaping open, a sweat drop appearing on her

temple at the sight which greets her. RANMA isn't even looking at

her. He's sitting there calmly playing his Game Boy, a look

of intense concentration knitting his brow.)

AKANE:(yelling now) You... You aren't even listening to me!!! You

BAKA! 

(The mallet whomps down, and Ranma is now picking himself up

and rubbing the swelling lump on the top of his skull. He

absently thumbs the "pause" button on his game.)

RANMA:(yelling) What'dja do THAT for?!!! Can't you see I'm busy

here?! My Pikachu is about to evolve!

(Akane's aura winks out. She stands, tears welling up in her

eyes.)

RANMA:(petulantly) Aww, geez! Whatcha cryin' for, anyhow? I'm the

one who got hit here...

AKANE:(Coldly) I'm crying because I've had it, Ranma. Had it with

your waffling, your nasty remarks, your insensitivity... I might,

MIGHT have been able to continue putting up with your garbage if

I knew you felt something for me, but I've had it. Had it

_up_to_here_. I've waited three years for you to make up your

mind, held off going to college for your sake, but I'm not

waiting any longer. It's over between us, and our fathers agree

with me! The engagement is off!"

RANMA: (Stunned) Hunh?!! WHAT?!?! You're DUMPING ME?!?!?!

**************************

(The scene shifts to the vacant lot down the street from the

Tendou Dojo. The camera pans up, and we see a long-haired, white

robed figure plummet down from the sky. MOUSSE hits the ground

head first, leaving a MOUSSE-shaped crater in the turf. Prying

himself out of the hole he glances around. A small pup tent has

been pitched, and a figure is camped in front of a small fire,

muttering to himself. MOUSSE dusts himself off and approaches.

The figure raises his head at his approach.)

RANMA:(full of false cheer) Heya, duck-boy.

MOUSSE: Saotome? What are you doing here? You on some kind of

training trip?

(MOUSSE hunkers down beside RANMA.)

RANMA: Nope. You can be the first to congratulate me. I'm free of

the uncute tomboy for good. Great, na?

MOUSSE:(stunned) Damn! You two broke up?


RANMA:Yep. (optimistically) Still, at least I'm a free man, now!

No ties, no obligations... (chuckles ruefully) No place to

live...

MOUSSE: This better not mean you're gonna start chasing my

Shampoo around again...

RANMA: Hey! C'mon, you know I don't like her that way! Gimme a

break, man... If I did, d'you think I would'a thrown that fight

to you?

MOUSSE: Well, good. It took me two years to get her to warm up to

me... So you got nowhere to stay? What about your folks' place?

RANMA: Mom's pissed. _And_ armed. Can't go there, at least for a

while... What brings you here?

(MOUSSE flops onto his back.) 

MOUSSE: I regret to say that I, like you, am also looking for a

new place of residence...

RANMA: Whoa! Shampoo dumped you?! Why?

MOUSSE: Aw, Cream Rinse, y'know, the Amazon the old ghoul hired

as a waitress last year? (Ranma nods) Well, she went and died, so

Shampoo's gotta fill in for her on the Elder's stupid

game-show... I told her I thought it was another one of the old

ghoul's plans to break us up, but she didn't believe me. Words

were exchanged, and... Well, here I am.

RANMA: Bummer. Too bad about Cream Rinse, she was all right...

He-ey... Weren't you an' Shampoo supposed to be going into

Tokyo today for your trip?

MOUSSE: Yeah. I was gonna formally propose to her, too.

RANMA: (surprised) Oh, man! When?

MOUSSE: (sadly) On the Toho Studios tour.

RANMA: What part?

MOUSSE: (mournfully) When Gojira eats the Tokyo Tower...

RANMA: (wistfully) Damn... That's just about the most

romantic thing I've ever heard...

MOUSSE: (sarcastically) Yeah, well... Too bad I'm not marrying

YOU... 


RANMA: Lemme ask you something... Didja ever, y'know... change

forms while you were, uh... foolin' around?"

MOUSSE: Huh? Eww! No!

RANMA: Okay. Akane an' me, we've been, y'know...messin' around

for a little while, ever since the first wedding attempt. Not all

the time, but now and then, y'follow me?" 

(MOUSSE nods, a little skeptically)

RANMA: (conspiratorially) Well the other night, me an' Akane

are... well, doin' IT... Pop and the Tendos were outta town for

the weekend, and we had the place to ourselves... Anyway, Akane

bein' the tomboy she is, she's movin' all over the place an'

flailin' her arms an' such, really gettin' into it, y'know?" 

(MOUSSE shakes his head, but motions for RANMA to continue)

RANMA: Right. Well, like I said, she's right into it, an' I've

just about got her up to the clouds and rain, when her arm flies

out and knocks over the glass of water on her nightstand...

MOUSSE: Uh-oh...

RANMA: Damn right, uh-oh. The change hits and lil' Ranma goes

wherever it is he goes...

MOUSSE: (chuckles) That's gotta suck.

RANMA: Well, no doubt. Needless to say, that pretty much ended

THAT particular session. Akane'd never touch me when I'm a girl,

she's too worried about what that'd MEAN... And by the time I

managed to get some hot water, she wasn't in the mood anymore.

MOUSSE: (laughing) Very tragic story, to be sure. I still don't follow

you, though.

RANMA: Well, this happens, and now, two weeks later, she dumps

me. D'ya think there's a connection?

MOUSSE: (snorts) Somehow I doubt it, Saotome.

RANMA: Eh, it was just a thought...

(He gets to his feet and strikes a dramatic pose)

RANMA: So what are we doin' sittin' around the park like a couple

of idiots? We're young, single, one of us is incredibly

handsome... We gotta grab the Pantyhose by the horns, go out and

live life to the fullest! It's time for a trip!!

MOUSSE:(confused) What, to China?

RANMA: No, you blind fool! The mall!!

*************************

EXTERIOR SHOT: We follow RANMA and MOUSSE as they roof-hop across

town towards the gleaming monument to merchandise that is the

Nerima Galleria, stopping only to grab a Coke for Ranma and a

couple of thermosfuls of hot water from a coffee shop

that Mousse promptly stashes in his robes. We follow the two

until they get to the parking lot of the mall.

MOUSSE:(whines) Saotome, are you sure this is a good idea? I'd

rather just go mope for a bit...

RANMA: Forget it! Like I said, we're single guys on the prowl. We

don't need to mope about a couple a girls who don't know how

stupid they are, throwin' away cool guys like us! We are Manly

Men! (He flings open the door dramatically, striding

into the mall like he owns the place) Ahh! I love the smell of

commerce in the morning! Now c'mon, I wanna hit Master Kim's Dojo

Supplies. I need to pick up a few- Oof!

(RANMA runs into something hard, spilling his cold Coke onto

his chest and activating the curse. Whirling, ONNA-RANMA spins

to see what she hit, realizing she has collided with a scowling

RYOGA.)

RYOGA: Damn you, Saotome! You've broken Akane's heart! I should

kill you for that...

ONNA-RANMA: Yeah? Try it, pig-boy!! (ONNA-RANMA assumes a

fighting stance, her eyes gleaming with anticipation of a good

scrap.)



RYOUGA: (smirking) I would, but I'm afraid I've got better things

to do today. See you around, Ranma... 

(RYOGA turns and wanders off, chuckling evilly)

(MOUSSE approaches the dripping and puzzled ONNA-RANMA) 

MOUSSE:(puzzled) Huh. That's not like Ryoga, to back down from a

fight...

ONNA-RANMA: Aaah, he's just afraid I'd kick his butt, like I

always do... Gimme some'a that hot water, and let's get movin'...

(MOUSSE hands her a thermos and stands slightly back as the

change takes effect.)

MOUSSE: I don't know... I'd just as soon go back to the

Nekohanten and apologize to Shampoo...

RANMA:(scornfully) Ah, forget about her, man! She's in the past.

Keep lookin' forward, my friend, or you face the inevitable fate

of shock and damage-

(There is a hollow ringing noise as RANMA's head collides

with a metal object, a steel girder being toted by an

careless workman, sending him sprawling to the floor. Enraged, he

leaps to his feet)

RANMA:(Yelling) Where the HELL did that come from?! What the

hell's goin' on here?!?!

(MOUSSE chuckles and points to the large stage and

bleachers being assembled several stores down.) 

RANMA:(Still hopping mad) What the hell is that?!

MOUSSE:(Agreeably) Beats me... Maybe it's for

Santa Claus...

RANMA: Naw, the Santa Court is clear at the other end of the

mall, it's been there since two days after Culture Day... Hey,

there's someone who might know! Follow me.

(RANMA leads the way over to a poster shop, specifically to

a short wizened figure staring intently at one of the displayed

prints. It is HAPPOSAI, staring intently at a poster on display)

RANMA:(jovially) Hey, y'old freak! Whatcha doin'?

HAPPY: Shh! Quiet, you! I'm concentrating! 

(RANMA glances up at the poster that has caught the pervert

master's attention. It is a mass of blue squiggly lines in a

strange repeating pattern. MOUSSE looks over with mild interest.)

MOUSSE: Hey Ranma, I know what this is. It's one of those "Magic

Eye" pictures.

RANMA:(intelligently)Huh?

(HAPPY grunts, still staring at the poster)

MOUSSE: If you stare at it long enough, a 3-D picture is supposed

to appear. Check it out...

(RANMA squints at the poster. Suddenly, his eyes widen and

he begins to laugh. MOUSSE looks hard at the image, takes

a step back and joins him.) 

MOUSSE: A woman in a bikini! Of course! 

HAPPY:(cursing) You can see her? You, the blind duck boy?!

Dang it, I've been staring at this thing for three DAYS, opening

to closing, and I can't manage to do it! I've come prepared

today, though... I've brought a lunch, and a pair of silky

darlings, and I'll stay here all DAY until I see the girly!

WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

(RANMA and MOUSSE sweatdrop, exchanging a worried look.)

RANMA:(hesitantly)Ah, okay, whatever you say old man... Say, you

wouldn't happen to know what that stage is for, would'ja?

HAPPY: IT'S NOT A STAGE!! IT'S A PRETTY GIRLY IN A BIKINI!!!

RANMA: No, not that, you old lech, THAT!

(RANMA grabs HAPPY's head and twists it around until he is

looking at the structure being assembled.)

HAPPY: Oh. THAT stage... (scornfully) Some stupid game show

designed to capitalize on the younger generation's appetite for

staple American culture. Martial Arts Truth or Date, I think it's

called.

MOUSSE: (incredulous) That's the old ghoul's show!

HAPPY: (absently, still focused on the poster) Hmm... So little

Cologne-chan's a television producer, eh? She should stick to

cooking...

MOUSSE: (curtly) Nah, she's only sponsoring it...

HAPPY: (dismissive) Hmmph. Well, If you two boys don't mind, I'd

like to get back to my meditations... 

RANMA:(laughing) Okay, y'old freak. Enjoy yourself. Just

remember, relax your eyes...

MOUSSE: I could lend you an old pair of my glasses if you'd like,

oh Ancient One...

HAPPY:(annoyed) Get outta here, you young whippersnappers! (He

shakes a fist at them before groaning and turning back to the

poster.) Now I've got to start _all_over_again_...

*******************************

INTERIOR SHOT: MALL CORRIDORS:(RANMA is strolling

through the mall. MOUSSE, at his side, is grumbling fitfully.)

MOUSSE: At the _mall_ no less! Selling my beloved Shampoo off

like a piece of meat!!

RANMA:(leisurely) Take it easy, duck boy! Why'n'cha just trash

the show, if you're so upset?

MOUSSE:(hangs head) Can't. The dried up monkey'd turn me into

Peking Duck...

RANMA: (slyly) Well, what if something was to happen to the

stage, and you had a perfect alibi? The old ghoul'd have no call

to paste you then...

MOUSSE: (waves it off) Ah, she'd sense us coming a mile away...

RANMA:(warming to his plan) Not if we used some patsies who

aren't fighters... She couldn't even do anything to a non-martial

artist, she's got too much honour for that...

MOUSSE:(doubtful) Yeah, maybe... Who are these hypothetical

hatchet-men, anyway?

RANMA:(smiling) Them.

(RANMA points to a pair of figures loitering in

front of the pet store.)

MOUSSE:(straightens his glasses) You've _got_ to be kidding...

******************************

HIROSHI:(mutters, faced pressed up against a window) Here cabbit

cabbit cabbit...

(The dimwitted duo are loitering around in front of Shiro's

Pet Boutique. HIROSHI is teasing the strange little critters with

the floppy ears in the window display, while DAISUKE has his back

to the window and is scowling intently, eyebrow twitching, at a

pencil laid across his palm)

(HIROSHI notices what DAISUKE is doing, scowls in turn, and

smacks his hand, knocking the pencil to the ground.) 

HIROSHI:(Annoyed) Knock it off, baka!

(DAISUKE frowns back, and stoops to pick up the pencil as

RANMA and MOUSSE saunter up. 

HIROSHI: (Grinning at MOUSSE) Well, well, well... If it isn't the

Chinese Chick-killer...

MOUSSE: Damn! You heard about that?

HIROSHI: (Laughing) Yep! Yuri Hashiba told me, said that

Shampoo dumped your sorry ass!

(MOUSSE scowls and makes to lunge at him. RANMA stops

him with a restraining hand on his shoulder.)

RANMA: Hold up a sec, okay? (MOUSSE reluctantly nods, easing

back.) So, Hiroshi... 

(RANMA finally notices that DAISUKE is staring silently at a

pencil in his palm.) 

RANMA: (Annoyed that he doesn't have both boys' attention) What

the hell is he doin'?

(HIROSHI looks over and frowns.)

HIROSHI: Aww, it's nothin'. The baka here watched "Genocyber"

parts one two and three plus the movie last night, now he thinks

he's a telekinetic or some shit; he won't talk and he's tryin' to

move stuff with his mind... Knock it off, baka! (He smacks the

pencil away again.) Tsk. Moron.

RANMA: (scratches his head. He's never seen 'Genocyber') Anyway,

I was gonna ask; what you two are up to today?

HIROSHI: (Casually) Just waitin' to hook up with Nabiki Tendo.

She needs the baka here's help with some equipment she just

picked up.

RANMA: Huh? 

HIROSHI: (warming to his topic) Oh yeah, man. Daisuke here's a

freakin' electronics genius, didn't ya know? He once built a CD

player out of his little sister's Tamagotchi. Isn't that right,

baka? (DAISUKE nods absently, still trying to move the pencil)

Why, what's up?

RANMA: Well, I need a couple of patsies- er, _partners_ to help

mean' Mousse out with trashin' the old ghoul's gameshow...

HIROSHI: Hey, no problem Saotome, we were gonna do that anyway.

RANMA: Really? Why?

HIROSHI: What else do we have to do? Check it out. Daisuke

swiped a schematic from a foolish builder. The stage's got a

fatal weakness... show it to 'em, baka.

(DAISUKE nods, and pulls a rolled up blueprint from nowhere,

earning a blink of surprise from Mousse. The foursome gathers

'round to examine the document, Hiroshi explaining the drawing

for the benefit of the others.)

HIROSHI:(Conspiratorially) Now, y'see that pin on the top there?

That holds the whole thing together. Pull that sucker

out and Ba-Bam! Whole damn thing comes toppling down!

RANMA: (mildly impressed) Hey, not bad. I knew we came to right

guys.

HIROSHI: (nods) Only one problem. Him.

(He points to a blue uniformed figure surveilling the

nearby courtyard)

RANMA: (goggling) Kuno?

HIROSHI: (Nods) Yep. every since he blew off the college entrance

exams to chase your girl-side around Nerima, the only job he's

been able to get is as a mall rent-a-cop. He's callin' himself

the Blue Thunder of the Galleria now, an' he's the most feared

security guard in the business. Two hundred-plus collars, rumor

has it he's even got three kills!

RANMA: (Skeptical) Think you can get past him?

HIROSHI: Hey, it's still only Kuno...

RANMA: (laughing) Right. Well then, I'll leave everything to you

guys.

HIROSHI: You got it Saotome. We'll take that stage down!

**************************

(MOUSSE and RANMA wander away in the direction of the

escalator.)

RANMA: (Jovially) I'm surprised, Mousse. You didn't try to talk

them out of it.

MOUSSE: (petulant) I _would_ have if I thought they had a hope in

hell of pulling it off... I just wanna go apologize to Shampoo...

RANMA: Forget it! Be like me, a man among men! We don't need to

go crawlin' to get the girls back... At least, I don't... I could

get Akane back anytime I wanted to...

(He pulls out a scroll from his pocket and waves it at

MOUSSE meaningfully)

MOUSSE: Please don't tell me you're gonna use that stupid

'Saotome School of Getting Women to Fall in Love With You'

scroll.

RANMA: (shocked) Are you kidding? This is pure GOLD, man! How do

you think a moron like Pop got a classy lady like Mom? I-

(RANMA'S eyes are drawn over to a familar figure going

through the rack at a women's clothing store.)

RANMA: Here, I'll prove my point. I'll be right back.

MOUSSE: (blinking) Where're you going?

RANMA: Cherchez la femme...

***************************

(AKANE scowls as she looks through the discount rack.

Nabiki told her to go out and stop moping, buy herself something

nice. Of course, she only gave her 1000 yen to spend... She

pauses, holds up a pretty yellow dress.

RANMA: (from behind her, teasingly) That would look _horrible_ 

on you. Ain't you supposed to have a figure to wear somethin'

like that?

(AKANE studiously ignores him. He looks perplexed. Usually

it's a cinch to get a rise out of her... Undaunted, he tries

again.)

RANMA: (Still goofin' around) Okay, since we've broken up, you

an' me've gotta work out some kind of visitation schedule for the

mall. I figure you can have Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and I

can have Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. Sundays and specials

event like sidewalk sales we can play jan-ken-pon for, or... 

(He trails off, realizing she's ignoring everything he says.

Jokes aren't working... Maybe it's time to go for reverse

psychology.)

RANMA (Annoyed voice) Alright, fine! I'm just tryin' to be

civilized about this... Okay then, you gotta give back my stuff. 

AKANE: (snappish) WHAT stuff?! 

RANMA: Well, there's my collection of Kuno-bokkens, plus my

favorite red shirt... My Game Boy... I realize these things must

have a deep sentimental value to ya, but I'm gonna need 'em back.

AKANE: (sighing) Ranma, the only reason I might have any of those

things is because you left them at my house. I'll send 'em to

your Mom's... 

RANMA: (trying to salvage his dignity) Okay then. Just so long as

it's understood. No need to get all uncute about it...

(AKANE's hand shoots out at near-amaguriken speeds to grab

him by the shirtfront. Demonstrating strength previously reserved

only for mallet wielding, AKANE lifts the startled RANMA off his

feet to glare into his eyes)

AKANE: (calmly) Ranma... When you put down my cooking, all you

got was a malleting. When you made us sleep in separate beds when

my family was out of town in case any of your other fiancees

'dropped by', another malleting. When you asked me to do a

striptease to the theme from "Sailor Moon", once again, nothing

more than a malleting... (Suddenly furious) But if you THINK I'm

going to suffer any more of your CRAP with nothing more than a

whack with a mallet now that we've broken up, YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER

THING COMING!!!

(A cloud of dust and women's clothing erupts in the store.

Horrible blood-curdling shrieks echo through the mall. After a

few minutes, a fuming AKANE storms out of the cloud, dusting off

her hands. As the debris settles, MOUSSE saunters up to the now

pretzel-shaped RANMA twitching under a clothes rack. He extends a

hand, pulling the Japanese boy to his feet.) 


MOUSSE: (easily) Get her back anytime you want, huh?

RANMA: Shut up.

****************************


(Back at the pet store, the delinquent duo are about to make

their move. DAISUKE has finished drawing up a plan and holds it

open for his partner. HIROSHI examines the document intently.)


HIROSHI: Okay, lemme see if I got this right. You run over and

ambush Kuno, nailing him upside the head with this sock full of

five yen pieces an' knockin' his ass out. I'd do it myself, man,

but I threw my back out last night humpin' your sister... Just

kiddin'! Then, I swoop in during the confusion and take out the

pin "Street Fighter" style!

(DAISUKE nods, then glances over to the other side, where a

six year old kid holding a Power Rangers vehicle is reading over

his shoulder. He scowls and shoos him away with a threatening

gesture. The kid runs away, stopping only to shoot DAISUKE a

redeye. DAISUKE scowls again, then stands, as HIROSHI hands him

the sweatsock full of change.)

HIROSHI: Ready, baka?

(DAISUKE grunts affirmatively, and begins to swing the

sweatsock full of change like a set of munchaku.)

HIROSHI: All right, let's do this thing!

(Several things happen at once. DAISUKE charges towards

KUNO, who is presently distracted by a cute girl going up the

escalator. At the same time, the six-year-old kid with the Power

Rangers vehicle pushes said vehicle across the smooth mall floor,

on an intercept course with DAISUKE. Meanwhile, HIROSHI is

slinking around to the stage, and preparing to clamber up to the

pin.

Just as DAISUKE is about to clock KUNO, his left foot comes

down on the moving toy, and the now-wheeled boy careens out of

control, losing his grip on the sweatsock full of yen, sending it

flying right into KUNO's hand. KUNO looks down, blinks, looks up,

then pockets the sock, the propect of affording foodstuffs other than cup

ramen too enticing to resist.

DAISUKE, meanwhile, is completely out of control, as he goes

zooming through a women's clothing store, lingerie and other

assorted goods flying as he knocks over rack after rack, only to

be tripped up by a shoe display. He goes flying head first into a

wall, his noggin breaking through the flimsy drywall. DAISUKE

blinks, amazed that he's still alive, only to realize he's come

face to tush with a panty-clad UKYO, who is most definitely NOT

glad to see him!)

UKYO (drawing her spatula) EEEK! HENTAI!

(DAISUKE is pummelled into insensibility as the six-year old

retrieves his toy, shooting his foe one last redeye as HIROSHI

groans, head in hands.)

******************

(Back at the poster store, HAPPOSAI is still spaced out in

front of the magic eye poster. Behind him, Principal Kuno walks

up, and stares for a moment at the poster.)

PRINCIPAL: Ah! Dat shore is a bee-yoo-ti-ful wahine, no?

HAPPY: (Turns, laughing nastily) Ha! You FOOL! It's not a Wahine,

it's a pretty girl in a bikini!!!"

PRINCIPAL: De wahine IS a pretty girl, bra! You soft inna head or

somethin'? (HAPPY flushes red, furious) Here, have a lei. (He

drapes a flower garland around HAPPY's neck, pats him on the

head, and moseys off)

(HAPPY blinks, looks and the lei, shrugs and goes back to

staring at the poster. It's the first time HAPPOSAI's been lei'd

in almost two-hundred years.;p)

******************

(MOUSSE and RANMA are ambling along, when the spot a familar

face typing away one-handed on a laptop in the food court, an

espresso in her free hand. It is NABIKI)

RANMA: Hold it up a sec, I wanna go talk to her.

MOUSSE: (shrugging) Whatever. (Surreptitiously, he hides his

wallet in stuffspace)

RANMA: (Plopping down next to NABIKI) Yo, Nabiki. Fancy seeing

you here.

NABIKI: (icily) Saotome. I don't suppose you seen those two

hangers-on, Hiroshi and Daisuke?

RANMA: (cheerily) Yeah, they're around here somewhere. C'mon

Mousse, siddown, take a load off.

NABIKI: (Glances up) Oh, hello. I hear Shampoo gave you the ol'

hidey-ho.

MOUSSE: DAMMIT! How come _everybody_ knows already?

NABIKI: Well, I've been selling the info to anyone who asks, for

1000 yen, but I heard it from Shampoo herself.

(MOUSSE sits down, scowling, on the other side of NABIKI,

nodding politely to her. He glances at her screen, double blinks,

and adjusts his glasses to get a better look.)

MOUSSE: (curious) What'cha got here?

NABIKI: (still typing, pointedly ignoring RANMA's presence) Just

surveillance logs.

MOUSSE: Surveillance..?

RANMA: Yeah, she's got the whole house wired for sound and

pictures. Hell, she even got a grant from Tokyo university for

doing it. We call her "Beeker the Peeker".

NABIKI: (icily) Nobody calls me that.

RANMA: Wanna know the sickest part? (nudges NABIKI) Tell him how

much they gave you.

NABIKI: Two-hundred million yen.

(MOUSSE facefaults)

MOUSSE: (Incredulous) TWO-HUNDRED MILLION?!?!?!

NABIKI: (Smirking) Yes, it's for my thesis. I'm calling it "The

Long-Term Effects of Exposure to Bizarre Stimuli on the Average

Japanese Family". The department of sociology is _very_

interested in my preliminary findings.

MOUSSE: (Still in shock) Two-hundred million... Does your father

know about this?

NABIKI: No, of course not. That would invalidate my experiment.

The only person who knew about it was Mr. Bizarre Stimuli here. 

MOUSSE: That's incredible... Say, what are all these little

doodads and things?

(He points at the screen. Beside each dated entry, there are

one, sometimes two or three little characters from the

"wingdings" font. NABIKI smiles, eager to show off her genius)

NABIKI: This little yin-yang symboly-thing here indicates that

Saotome or his deadbeat father changed forms; the little smiley-

face is when Akane whacks Saotome with a mallet. The little

American dollar-sign is for each time I make money on Saotome's

fights, and the little kettle there is for when a 'fiancee' drops

by.

MOUSSE: (Intrigued) This is really something. Say, won't Ranma

being kicked out ruin your thesis?

NABIKI: (dismissively) Probably not. I've got tapes on record for

the past two years; that's plenty long enough to prove my point.

RANMA: (Slyly) Still, I'd be useful to have me back, wouldn't it?

NABIKI: Dream on, Saotome. Besides, your deadbeat father's still

mooching off daddy, and between him and Ryoga, I've got plenty of

bizzare stimuli left.

MOUSSE: Ryoga lives with you guys?

NABIKI: Only when he's a pig. He shows up as P-chan, he likes to

cuddle up to pretty girls and cop cheap feels. That's what the

little piggy-bank symbol stands for. As a matter of fact, I've

got some great video of him 'porking' Akane, Kasumi... He even

tried to 'pork' me once, but I threw him out the window.

MOUSSE: ...

RANMA: (annoyed) Well, much as I've enjoyed our little chat,

Mousse an' me gotta hit Master Kim's Dojo Supplies. Check ya

later, 'Beekers'.

NABIKI: Yeah, yeah. Good luck with your Dojo Supplies, Saotome.

(RANMA drags MOUSSE to his feet and tows him off. The

Chinese boy is still muttering "porked?" and "two-hundred

million..." under his breath.)

NABIKI: (watching them leave) Jerk.

************************

RANMA: (Muttering to himself) 'Good luck with your Dojo

Supplies?' What the hell's that supposed to mean?

(The two arrive at Master Kim's only to find a queue

stretching around the corner. RANMA double blinks, and springs

over to the head of the line. He muscles up to the kid at the

head of the line. It is GOSUNKUGI)

RANMA: Yo, Gos! What's up with the line?

GOSUNKUGI: Saotome! You can't just butt in!

RANMA: Don't worry about it, Gos. Look, all I wanna do is go pick

up some sparring equipment, I'll just be a minute, an- WHOOOULP!

(RANMA is muscled back by a broad chest clad in a blue

dragonscale vest. He looks up, into the annoying face of TARO)

TARO: (smarmy) Heya, shemale. I figured you might show up.

RANMA: Aw, geez, look _PANTYHOSE_, get the hell outta my way,

okay?

TARO: (Cracking his knuckles) Oh, you're gonna get it now,

shemale!

GOSUNKUGI: (eager to see RANMA get a pounding) You tell 'im,

Pantyhose!

TARO: (Whirling to face GOS) DON'T CALL ME THAT!!!

RANMA: Hey! Don't pick on the little guy, he can't defend

himself! 

TARO: Whassa matter, Ranma-chan, is he your boyfriend or

something?

RANMA: Man, I've been needing someone to beat on all day! Guess

you're elected, PANTYHOSE!

TARO: (furious) STOP CALLING ME THAT!!!

(TARO swings, RANMA dodges, TARO leaps after him, and mayhem

ensues. The brawl spills off the second floor toward the

fountain. RANMA glances down at the rapidly-approaching water

fountain in despair. TARO's monster-form is way too much for him

anymore, ever since the bishonen fighter stopped by Jusenkyo

again and picked up another 'upgrade', this one from the Spring

of Drowned Gojira.

They are about to hit the water, when they are snagged in

MOUSSE's chains and drawn back up onto the second floor.)

MOUSSE: Knock it off, you two! There's lots of civilians around

here, someone might get hurt!

RANMA: He started it!

TARO: Bite me, femboy!

(MOUSSE sighs and leaves them tied up. He walks over and

taps GOSUNKUGI on the shoulder.)

MOUSSE: S'cuse me.

GOSUNKUGI: (cowering) Please don't kill me.

MOUSSE: Sure. Mind telling me why there's a line-up here?

GOSUNKUGI: Jackie Chan's signing autographs in twenty minutes.

RANMA: (muffled by chains) Jackie... Chan?























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