This is the part where I begin to hope I'm on that consistent role I was 
speaking of earlier. Anyway, the following comments that are not of the 
original author are to be given or taken however the original author 
chooses. Now let's play. ^-^

Wedding Plans; Or,

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Chaos

... Indeed. ^^;

"I have something to say," Nabiki announced before Akane could
drag Ranma off toward school. Everyone but Ranma turned to
listen; he used the moment to grab an extra bite. If anyone had
looked, they may have noticed the fathers anxious curiosity
peeking.

Here, we witness a bit of an eye catch. You've jumped straight into the meat 
of the story without any transition or setup. This can be jarring, since 
you're throwing the plot immediately into your reader's face without easing 
them into the story. You might want to go back and ease the story into its 
plot, perhaps with some description of the day, or the Tendos and Saotomes 
eating at the table, or some introspection into Nabiki and why she would 
suddenly decide to play the fate game, whatever fancies you the best.

Also, that last sentence in the first paragraph seems out of place. Where 
exactly would everyone be looking, if they're all paying attention to 
Nabiki?

"What?" Ranma huffed after Akane smacked him on the back of the
head.

This brings a bit of confusion. Why did Akane pelt him for something she 
wasn't looking at?

--suggest--
(Akane, hearing hasty scarfing sounds, smacked the boy in the back of the 
head.

"Ow! What?" Ranma shoot an accusing glare at her, and she returned it in 
kind.)

Of course, that's providing that last sentence in the last paragraph is 
worked around. Whatever works best. ^-^

"Pay attention," his iinazuke hissed. Ranma blinked then looked
up. Nabiki's evil grin doubled in size, making Ranma suddenly
feel very nervous.

"You two," the middle Tendou began. Ranma and Akane blinked in
unison. "I have never seen two people so obviously in love while
making themselves absolutely miserable at the same time," she
called out. Genma and Soun nearly went into shock. This was not
what they were expecting.

The second verb phrase isn't really needed, since you broke up her initial 
dialogue with a more potent one. Perhaps using a different, more definitive 
sentence. Also, why should Soun and Genma's thoughts matter, when the focus 
of the paragraph is Nabiki? If it's being told from her point of view, their 
facial expressions should be the only things needed, since Nabiki wouldn't 
know what they were thinking.

--suggest--
("You two," the middle Tendou began. Ranma and Akane blinked in
unison. "I have never seen two people so obviously in love while
making themselves absolutely miserable at the same time." She took a moment 
to catch everyone's gazes, and took special humor in the pale, confused 
expressions coming from her father and Mr. Saotome.)

"There is no possible way," Nabiki went on before her last words
could take full effect on the two youngest in the room. "No way
at all, in fact, that you two could ever be married by the end of
today!" The couple in question stared on in wide-eyed fear. "No

Again, since it's Nabiki's POV, instead of an Omniscient Observer, she 
should be telling the story. She should be gauging their reactions, instead 
of Mike the Watcher (because Omniscient Observer is just too informal ^^).

Also, I feel SO sorry for them right now. ^__^

force on earth could force you two to admit your true feelings
for each other!" she continued, really getting into her speech

Again, unneeded verb phrase.

"...for each other!' she continued, really getting into her speech..." 
--suggest--
"...for each other!' She was really getting into her speech..."

now. Both targets began shaking their heads no and waving for her
to stop. "No kami or oni could get you two married before
sundown. I dare say even fate couldn't get you two happily in the
same room, let alone the same bed!" Both Ranma and Akane where
now standing, waving, and shushing franticly. "Between both your

You might want to add another Nabiki action to the end of that sentence, or 
rearrange the sentence so it's not Omniscient Observer.

would-be suitors and rivals, even Kami-sama himself couldn't
arrange for you two to get married without destroying half of
Tokyo."

Nabiki paused for a breath. Ranma and Akane turned to gaze at
each other in abject fear. Nabiki opened her mouth to continue

Again, you might want to switch up that sentence, keeping with Nabiki 
telling the story instead of The Watcher.

"Nabiki paused for a breath. Ranma and Akane..."
--suggest--
"Nabiki paused for a breath, chuckling inwardly as she watched them turn to 
gaze at each other in abject fear. She opened her mouth to continue..."

Whatever works with you. ^_^

when the two began screaming loud enough to wake the dead. After
about five minutes of pure screaming, they bolted out of the room
in opposite directions.

pure screaming --suggest-> hysterics. Takes away repetition.

"That wasn't very nice," Kasumi said, as she put down her book on
delayed pressure points that Dr. Tofu had lent her.

Can't remember exactly, but I don't think there needs to be a comma 
seperating the verb 'said' and 'as'. Could be. *shrug*

*SNIP*

=====

Second eye catch, in case I haven't said it enough: maintaining the POV 
balance. The casual reader might not notice such things, seven times out of 
ten. I almost didn't. A quick and simple way to check for the proper POV 
would be to ask if your character is describing all the actions, or is Mike 
the Watcher doing all the dirty work. Not the best exercise, I freely admit, 
but it keeps me out of trouble most of the time. ^-^;

So far, you've got a really great story going. I wouldn't necessarily 
qualify it as Waff, since neither Akane nor Ranma are getting insufferably 
sappy on us. Actually, this is one of my more favorite brands of Ranma 
fiction: the kind where the author says, "Screw it. Let's see how much 
trouble I can REALLY get this little bastard into."

But I digress. Shall we continue? ^-^

'Almost there. Almost there.' Ranma could see the school gates
ahead. He glanced back and gave a sigh of relief. "Lost him. Man
that guy just wouldn't give up." While Ranma was not one to run

>from a fight, he had decided the Saotome Final Technique was

definitely in order today.

Guy? What guy? No fair robbing the reader of a good plot point! We wanna 
see, so be sure to SHOW us, as Allyn-san would say. ^-^

About three blocks from the Tendou house, Ranma had run over a
traveling salesman. Not seeing Akane or Nabiki around, he had
thought he was safe. Then the man revealed that he made and sold
jewelry. Rings being his specialty, he decided that what Ranma
needed was a set of rings he had just finished that morning. It
had taken twenty minutes of non-stop running, zigging and zagging
down every street and alley. The high road would not offer

Sentence Fragment
"It had taken twenty minutes of non-stop running, zigging and zagging down 
every street and alley."
--should be--
"It had taken twenty minutes of non-stop running, ziggin and zagging down 
every street and alley, to finally evade him."

protection since that was where he ran into the guy in the first
place.

Last sentence is not really needed.

I think this is a portion that should be added to it. I really wanna see 
this guy. He's rather vital, considering he would be the one to set the flow 
of just how forcbily the marriage proposals are going to come at Ranma and 
Akane. Maybe pick one to tell, or the other (the salesman, preferably, since 
Ranma IS the main character), but don't omit them both. It would be a shame.

At the gate, he paused briefly to catch his breath. He wasn't

Repetition catch.
"At the gate, he paused briefly to catch his breath."
--suggest--
"At the gate, he paused briefly to calm his state of paranoia."

Or whatever you come up with.

about to look out of breath because of some non martial artist.
When he finally looked up, he nearly jumped out of his skin.
Akane did jump a good meter off the ground. She was covered in
rose and white colored petals. Full flowers stuck out of her

"rose" --should be-- "roses"
And you don't have to add colored to the description of the petals. They can 
just be white petals.

uniform and hair.

"Don't ask," she pleaded. Ranma nodded. "Also, I get Kuno."

Hm? I'm afraid that didn't make any sense to me. Ranma got Kuno? Gotta 
maintain that POV. Since so much switching is taking place in this scene, 
Omniscient Observer would be safer. Also, "pleaded" isn't the word to fit 
her mood. I would think she'd be annoyed, no? So perhaps "groused", or 
"muttered", or somesuch.

Oh, and "get"--should be--"got".

Ranma was about to argue that point but, after seeing how upset
she was, wisely decided 'better him than me.' Stepping through

Replace "him" with "Kuno".

the gate, the two marched up the isle toward the school. When
they reached the half way point, out stepped the rising star of
the Nerima kendo world.

Not sure how it should be reworded, but I'm sure it should be reworded. 
Kuno's appearance is very awkward. Did he come out from behind one of the 
courtyard trees? State that, and throw in some facial expression for good 
measure.

"Beware the ides of march, for it does mean your demise at my
hand," Kuno began.

"Isn't it May?" asked a girl who was watching from the top floor.

"You know Kuno. Our little April fool," Nabiki, standing next to
her, quipped.

"You, foul sorcerer, have seen your last day. Have at thee!" With
that, Kuno lunged forward. Akane shot a glare at Ranma to make
sure he remembered whose fight this was today. But before she got
to meet his attack, Kuno was kicked to the side.

It's a rule of thumb to not start a sentence with a conjunction. It's not a 
rule set in stone, so people can play with it, given they follows the rules 
of conjunctions.

"But before she got to meet his attack, Kuno was kicked to the side."
--should be--
"But, before she could meet his attack, Kuno was kicked to the side."

Note I also got rid of the unnecessary verb with one that makes the sentence 
flow better.

"Did he call you Saotome?" A strange man appeared out of no where
and confronted the couple. "Then you must be the lovely Akane
Tendou," he continued on before anyone had a chance to answer.

nowhere is a compound word. Also, the transition toward the end of the 
paragraph seems awkward.

--suggest--
("Did he call you Saotome?" A strange man appeared out of nowhere and 
confronted the couple. He shot Akane a beaming smile and continued before 
either teen could get in a word edgewise. "Then you must be the lovely Akane 
Tendo!")

"And just who are you?" Ranma huffed, stepping slightly in front
of Akane.

"Complements of the house!"

Something dark flew straight and very fast at Ranma. He didn't
have time to move Akane to safety, so he threw his arms up for a
block. An elbow in his gut sent him out of the way just before it
could hit him, leaving Akane to take the blow meant for him.

"That's it, your dead!" Ranma roared as he jumped up from the
ground. His battle aura flared into place.

Awkward.
--suggest--
(Ranma jumped back onto his feet, battle aura flaring around him. "That's 
it, pal, you're dead!")

"What kind of stupid attack is this!" Akane shouted.

You can use a question mark and exclimation point at the end of Akane's 
dialogue, since it's conveying that much emotion, as well as asking a 
question. Not a rule, but something that's allowed.

Everyone looked toward the surprised girl. Her uniform was gone,
replaced by a fairly expensive and perfectly tailored tux.

tux--should be--tuxedo

There is a great deal of POV jumping around and lack of description from 
this point in. More than is necessary. You'll want to give more detail to 
the remainder of the scene, so it flows better and makes more sense to your 
reader.

"What's the meaning of this! Who dares to defile a lovely maiden
so!" Kuno bellowed from his spot as he recovered from the opening
cheap shot.

generalize "cheap shot" to attack.

"So sorry," The man before them bowed. "Special Attack! Innocent
Maiden Surprise!" the man yelled thrusting his hands forward.

--suggest--
"So Sorry." The man before them bowed, then, flexing his arms, thrusted his 
hands forward and shouted, "Special Attack! Innocent Maiden Surprise!"

Ranma moved to intercept the attack. When nothing happened, both
Akane and Ranma blinked in confusion.

"What foul trickery is this!" Kuno bellowed off to the side.
Everyone looked his direction. "What dark sorcererous magic's
hath Saotome conjured up to bewitch my noble personage!"

Everyone blinked.

Detail is needed. Why is Kuno the target when it was last apparent that the 
man was aiming for Akane?

A second man had appeared to actually perform the move the first
announced.

'A rather clever ploy,' Ranma thought to himself as a smile broke
across his face.

What clever ploy? Ranma is observing something that the reader cannot. Need 
detail. Show us what he saw.

Kuno stood where he had moved between the second man and Akane on
his attempt to get at the first.

When did Kuno make this move to impose himself? Obviously a great gag is 
being set up, but the readers are being left in the dark on the important 
parts. Did the second man throw something as well, or did the first stranger 
toss the object? Who was the intended target, and how did that get ruined?

Laughter began to rain down from the open windows.

A gorgeous formal white wedding gown complete with vale had
completely replaced his normal kendo garb. It fit well enough
that he should have had to stand for hours for the proper
fitting.

'Better him than me,' Ranma once again thought.
"Cute, Kuno-baby," Nabiki called out as the flash from her camera
went off. "Real cute."

Since she's some distance away from Kuno, exclimation points are preferred 
in both comments.

"Who." Ranma attempted, trying not to laugh too hard. He wasn't
succeeding very well. "Who are you?" Again, he faced off against
the first; though, he sought out with his senses, to prepare for
another surprise attack.

Why does Ranma want to laugh? The transition is missing that would justify 
Ranma's actions.

--example--
(Ranma gazed back and forth between the blushing kendoka-turned-bride and 
the two strange men, trying not to laugh. It wasn't working very well.

"Who," Ranma began, but trailed off into a fit of giggling. He regained his 
composure, and regarded the two men with a wary pause, trying to stay alert 
for another attack. "Who are you guys?")

"We are the Four Brothers and a Sister School of Martial Arts
Wedding Planning!"

Might want to put some transition here. Have someone ask the obvious.
"Four brothers? But why are there only two?"

Suddenly there were five figures standing in a line. Four of them

Comma needed.
"Suddenly there were five figures..."
--should be--
"Suddenly, there were five figures..."

were dressed handsomely in expensive looking tuxedoes. The fifth,
a beautiful blond, wore a long flowing formal gown. No one was
fooled. This was Nerima after all.

Might want to replace "handsomely" with "immaculate".

No one was fooled about what? You don't want to give this joke away so 
early, so you can do away with the last two sentences, especially the last 
one, which jars the mood of the story (as well as a couple of bricks in the 
fourth wall).

"And we heard what happened during your attempted wedding, and we
've come her to ensure your wedding bliss or else!" All five
struck heroic yet strangely formal looking poses.

Who's speaking?

"Now," the one in the dress stepped forward. In a regal yet
feminine voice that still fooled no one, at least not anyone who
knew Konatsu's secret, she began. "Dearly beloved, we are
gathered her to OUMPH!" A bonbori appeared in her place.

That...throws things. If I'm reading right, the 'sister' is a guy, so he 
SHOULD be fooling everyone present, unless he totally does not look the 
part. Also, rewording the last sentence will help smooth the transition of 
the story.

--example--
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to--" Her words were suddenly cut off 
by a bonbori forcing its way into her face. Hard.

"No one marry husband to kitchen destroy but Shampoo!" Shampoo
yelled. A puzzled look crossed her face as she wondered why that
didn't sound quite right. 'Oh well,' she thought with a shrug.
'Everyone knows what I meant.'

"You would dare challenge the might of the Four Brothers and a
Sister School of Martial Arts Wedding Planning?!" The five drew
themselves into a tight formation.

Again, who is speaking?

*SNIP*

I'm not completely believing what Ukyou and Shampoo are doing. Shouldn't 
they be trying to wed Ranma themselves? Why aren't they taking advantage of 
the situation?

Eyecatch three makes its appearance: detail. You've got to show what is 
happening, otherwise you leave a lot of confusion in your wake. What you 
have is good stuff, but it's almost completely "off camera", so to speak. 
The reader shouldn't have to strain themselves to follow with your points 
and plot transitions. Keep that in mind. ^-^

(continued)

- Kenji M. (KMurasaki@Hotmail.com)

Kenji's Nexus:
http://www.geocities.com/nexuslink

Random Plug:
http://pixelscapes.com/amh/amh.html


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