--- allyn yonge <allynyonge0000@netscape.net> wrote:

##########################################################################

My comments@@



Raye Johnsen <raye_j@yahoo.com> wrote:

Watching a Shooting Star

by Raye Johnsen
raye_j@yahoo.com

*****

  "Full Moon wo Sagashite" (Searching for the Full
Moon) is copyright the Original Author and

associated

parties, none of which are myself.

@@GIVE proper credit to the original author BY NAME.
@@@@

At the time of writing, I did not have access to that
information.  I am very well aware that it's not a
good thing; but I felt a disclaimer stating I didn't
know who was the true copyright holder but that it
wasn't myself was better than no disclaimer at all.

  Author's Note: This fic is written as a

combination

celebration/anniversary fic.  On my birthday this
year, which is in the first week of October, I will
celebrate my fifth anniversary as a fanfic author. 

I

trust that, in the past five years, I have improved

as

a writer!  However, I get a strong feeling that I'm
almost completely unnoticed.  I don't get C&C,

hardly

anyone has linked to my webpage, and I'm not on
anyone's list of recommended authors.  I can only
conclude that this is because I'm not that good a
writer.  So I beg you - PLEASE C&C THIS FIC!  I can
only improve with your help!

@@Put author notes at the END of the story
@@@@

I do not feel that a request for a critical reading
should be made AFTER the document has been read. 
That's rather backward, don't you agree?  

I normally do place my notes after the story, but I
reserve that place for notes ON the story.

As for not getting C&C???
Well, I just got a rejection from Asimov's SF. A
form
letter. :( 
Generally that's all you can expect in Real Life. On
the FFML?
It's all free and most readers are not going to take
the time
to write. UNLESS, the story is very exceptional or
more
likely controversial. Rape, bestiality and
characters 
hair-colour are always good topics to generate at
least some C&C. 
@@@@

True - but in discussions with target groups, I've
been told that some people don't feel comfortable
giving C&C unless requested.  Others don't unless they
are reminded that it's welcome.  Also, I really feel
that this lack is a signal I *need* to improve, as I'm
not even getting 'that's great' notes anymore.
 

  I was charmed when she chose 'Full Moon' for her
stage name, like everyone else, but now, watching

her,

I'm not sure that she chose the right one.  Perhaps
'Shooting Star' would have been more appropriate. 
Watching her, I am struck by a sense of

impermanence. 

/Remember,/ some little voice is whispering in my
soul.  /Never forget this moment, for it will never
come again..../

@@First Person POV is always difficult, IMO.
Many publishers won't even read a story written
in First Person.
IMO, you're better off NOT using /   / as a
substitute
for Italic script. I find it breaks the flow of the
story and is difficult to read. I generally use
* word word word  * or perhaps _word_.

I'm not using / / to enclose italics; they are my
preferred punctuation for thoughts.  I mark italics
with *word*, as you suggest.

I wrote this story in first person because I wanted to
subtly show some of the limitations of this particular
character - where her knowledge ends and where she
might extrapolate further.  If I were planning to
publish it, I agree, third person would probably be
more versatile.

I'm reasonably familiar with Full Moon (I've seen
the first thirteen episodes, so I can follow this
a little. But this would be incomprehensible to
anyone
who hasn't seen at least a couple of episodes. This
is a problem with writing any fanfiction. And, I
think,
why there are more SM and Ranma fanfics than almost
any other
series.  Because it's a fairly safe assumption that
most readers on FFML know the characters and
situations.
@@@@

Unfortunately, yes.  That's one reason why I did
publish it here.  An effort to reach out to other fans
of obscure shoujo anime.

  Mr. Takasu looks at me as the song closes, and
congratulates me as I congratulate him.  Looking

into

his eyes, I see no sign of this forboding that

grips

me.  I must be wrong.  But still, I can't shake of
this feeling, of watching a shooting star fall

across

the sky - delicate, desperate, beautiful... and

gone

long before its time.

@@Nice imagery, especially at the end.

Thank you very much.  And thank you for commenting.

Best wishes,
Raye

=====
raye_j@yahoo.com
http://www.thejohnsens.com/index.html

"In the end, you're always by yourself.
That's the point."
   - Whistler, 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'

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