Dear Reader,
This is my new, generic C&C disclaimer.
I've had some problems recently with authors
who have gotten a little . . .personal in their
response to my C&C. Hence, the following:

1)EVERYTHING is In MY Opinion ONLY!

2) I'm commenting on the STORY. NOTHING
I say should be taken personally.  My comments
and criticisms are directed at:
a) story telling
b)Dramatic Tension
c)Characterization
d)Plot

3)ALL my C&C is based on the kind of things I 
read and write. I am telling the author what
I liked or disliked and why.
I C&C as if the story were going to be published
in the real world, for money. I'm suggesting
changes that, IMO, would make a better
story.

4)I'm not a professional editor. And even 
professional editors make mistakes.  Different
people like reading different things. NEVER
try to please everyone. Write what you like,
the way you like.
BUT . . .please do not jump up and down on
the critic/editor because s/he didn't love your story.
I'm giving my honest opinion, as clearly as I know how.
Perhaps you disagree with me. Perhaps I am wrong.
Maybe I see something you don't, and maybe you don't care.
That's fine.  Fiction writing is very subjective with a lot
of room for disagreement.

BUT

Please don't get personal.
No sarcasm, cutting or denigrating
remarks. And no profanity. 
It wastes time better spent on writing.
If you think my C&C is so far off the mark,
just delete it, unread, and go on to something 
more interesting.

I hope this prevents any further misunderstandings.

some writing resources that may be useful:
http://members.aol.com/MacedonPg/writing.htm

http://www.realchangenews.org/StreetWrites/Exercises/index.html

http://www.sff.net/people/lwe/miscellaneous/laws.htm

http://www.dragonsquillandink.com/Resources/writing_resources.html

##########################################################################[Quick note: Notes are interspersed at the end of each or scene. They'll be removed in the 'final
product'. This fic was previously known as 'Hell on Earth' - I'd appreciate it if anyone who
archived that reclaims the disk space it was kept on.]

Disclaimer: All hail Takahashi-sama, who created this setting. I hope she doen't mind my using
her characters...



The End of the Rope

Prologue (Unfinished)

Saotome Nodoka looked at his dejected-looking son, and his shamefaced father, and wondered at
the cause of their expressions. Ranma's hair had changed color, that much she could see, but
surely that wasn't so much to be worked up about? Sure, red hair would stich out, but...

@@Hook?
Also:
1) " . . . Nodoka looked at his dejected . . ."  his?
2) ". . . red hair would stich out . . ."              stich?
3) There are too many "look" derivatives in that first sentence.  Can you rephrase one of those?

"Dearest, I've failed in my promise," Genma began, his voice clearly conveying that tears were not
far away. Either Genma had gotten much better at faking, or there were something seriously
wrong here.

"Which promise?" Nodoka asked in puzzlement. There had been a lot of promised made and
broken over the course of their marriage, none of them serious enough to warrant this kind of
behaviour, katana-waving or not. Could he have been unfaithful?"

@@OK, as I see it you're trying to write for an audience familiar to canon
Ranma, yet make changes to canon by fiat. This is known as trying to have
your cake AND eat it.

Now, some readers aren't going to care and other may not notice at all.
However this feels very unsatisfying to me. Personally, I need much more
narrative - - something to build Genma and Nodoka's characterization so
this is all understandable. You've changed canon, so that Nodaka no longer
recalls the 'manhood or sepuku promise, which is fine, in and of itself. But
just dropping it on the reader (or at least this reader) feels wrong. I need to
know why this Nodoka is different from canon. At the very least I need
more narrative, so that the story would make sense to a reader who'd never heard
of Ranma. 
@@@@

"I've failed to keep my boy safe from harm," Genma wailed, causing Nodoka's heart to freeze in
her chest, "...and now he turns into a daughter!"

And Saotome Nodoka knew no more for a good long while.

[Suggested filler? This prologue feels way too short, but the rest of what I've written doesn't feel
like prologue material]

@@Ooooo . . . an opportunity to really confuse you. ^_*

First, I'd delete the prologue fragment and start fresh. It doesn't really offer much
to readers who know Ranma and it's utterly confusing to readers who don't know
Ranma.
Let's think about WHY you want a prologue. IMO the prologue acts as a HOOK, 
to grab the readers attention. BUT, in addition it sets up the story in some way. It provides
some essential piece of information that's critical to the rest of the story. Now, in
this case you are:
1)Telling the reader about Ranma's curse (but in a way that is ONLY understandable to
someone who knows Ranma)
2)Showing a change in Nodoka's character.

Problem?:
There is nothing new or exciting to HOOK the reader and the 'new' information
is so minor and limited as to hardly be worth the effort.

You want to:
1)Give new information in an exciting way
OR
2)Tell an old story in a new way

If you can't HOOK the reader with the prologue, don't write a prologue.
If you're not providing information or setting up a situation essential
to the story that can ONLY be given in a prologue, don't write a prologue.

 As I understand your story, Ranma is cursed at about Age six years?
THIS is critical information to your setup. However, showing the
reader the actual curse or shortly thereafter isn't the critical point of your
story. YOUR story centers on the fact that Ranma's life has been
made miserable by this curse from a very young age. IMO, THIS is
what you should SHOW in your prologue. Some little vignette
from Ranma's early life to show the effect of the curse. The EMOTIONAL
effect. Embarrassed, afraid, humiliated . . .at school, shopping, at the playground.
The best example would be to show Ranma at a high point, some
happy event, and then the curse brings him down. You want to do this
in as few words as possible, so you quickly get into the heart of the story.
This helps prepare the reader for Ranma's attitude to his curse later
in the story.
@@@@





Chapter 1

A vision of cool, clear morning sky greeted Saotome Ranma as he opened the blinds of his
bedroom window. Not that the rest of the view was anything spectacular - second floor bedrooms
in the middle of a city aren't naturally conducive to such. But at least the sky was nice, and Ranma
decided to take a few moments to enjoy it while it lasted. His reverie was broken by a clattering
noise from the kitchen, followed by his mother's voice.
@@To passive and convoluted.  Be DIRECT and describe the bleakness
or blandness or what ever of the scene. SHOW the reader what Ranma sees.
@@@@

"Ranma dear, it's time to wake up! You don't want to miss your first day at school!"

'Oh yeay. School. Whoop dee do.' Ranma's nascent good mood fizzled abruptly, and with good
reason - the combination of his Jusenkyo curse and martial arts skill had gotten him kicked out of
more schools than he could count on one hand. Most recently, he'd been expelled after threatening
to inflict grivous bodily harm on one of the stupider and more obnoxious perverts in his class. It
had been well-deserved - even the teachers loathed the guy. If the kid had been anyone else other
than the son of the chairman of the scool board, he would have gotten away with it, but...
At least the two-week enforced break had been nice - he'd gotten to kick the stuffing out of his
old man for six more hours a day, while his mother pulled the strings to get him into a new
school. Anyway, that was the past, and it was the present which needed more attention now.

@@Too passive again. Sometimes you don't have much choice, but I'd intersperse the rather
passive exposition with action on Ranma's part. Looking out the window or getting dressed. Also
physical reaction to the memory to show Ranma's emotional state.
I wouldn't use "nascent" in this instance. Perfectly good word, but not appropriate
to the person or situation. UNLESS Ranma is going to consistently be more erudite
throughout the story. In which case, keep it. 

Use short, sharp sentences and action.

EXAMPLE:

     ". . . You don't want to miss your first day at school!"


     "I don't want ta have to carry maxi-pads in my bag either." Ranma muttered, "but no one
asked me." He absently rubbed a fresh scar on his fist, remembering the leering idiot at his last
school who'd tried to get . . . personal.

     "What did you say dear?"

     "I'll be right there."  

     In retrospect, maybe tying the son of the chairman to a tree with his
own underwear - - Upside down. By his ankles. Naked - - hadn't been a good idea.

      "I the furo free?" 

     But it was about time to change schools anyway.

@@NOT the only way. But it illustrates my point.
@@@@

"<SNIP>

"Yeah. I went over there yesterday, to get a hang of the route. Looks kind like a nice place."
'However long that lasts', Ranma's thoughts continued darkly.

Ranma scarfed down his breakfast, earning him a frown from his mother, got his freshly packed
bento, and made his excuses. With a silent prayer to the Kami, he then started off for his first day
at his brand new school - Fuurinkan...

[Last scene of segment needs work - description of the kitchen? Ideas for darkening the tone just
a tad?]

@@??? Depends on what you want to do. What is this scene in aid of? How does it
advance the story? Build characterization?  Dynamic Tension? Set up a scene? Segue?
WHAT does this scene do for the story?
Frankly I think you could have STARTED at Furinkan, and deleted this entire segment. 
Or moved it else where in the story.
***

Swearing softly to herself, a sodden and now-female Ranma tightened the drawstrings at her waist
and ankles. The cause of her ire had nothing to do with being female - ten years under the curse
had rather thoroughly desensitized her to that - but it had everything to do with the curse. Ranma
abhored getting wet - being wet meant he changed, and changing in public in her experience
usually meant alienation.

@@TOO PASSIVE! 
SHOW Ranma changing and SHOW peoples reactions! SHOW the alienation.
@@@@

"'A martial artist's life is fraught with peril', he says. Feh!".
@@Cute.
@@@@


 <SNIP>
It took Ranma a few minutes to figure out the stylized map on the wall - someone had had fun
with moving the 'you are here' marker. Nice prank. She'd have to remember that one for future
reference. Once she'd figured out her real position, it was quick work finding the route she was
after - two floors up and round a couple of corners. Nothing major. The inside of the building
reflected the outside nicely - everything in good repair, which was odd, given the rumors, nice and
easy colors on the corridor walls, and the floors at least in this corridor was freshly waxed. She'd
been to worse places, Ranma concluded. Which was how she found herself across a desk from the
vice principal.

[Suggestions for revising the above paragraph? Specifically the last sentence. More text in this
block?]
@@It's not simply a matter of adding "More text" as if you were putting petrol in your fliver.
(That's an automobile, for those not conversant with '20s slang) All text is NOT created equal.
And MORE is not necessarily better. It depends on what information you want to convey, what
mood you want to set. The pace and timing of the story. 
Ask yourself the following Questions about this scene (not just the paragraph):
1)What information does it provide the reader?
2)Do readers have to have this information now? And in this manner?
3)What is the _fewest_ number of words you can use to do the same thing? Compare the edited
version to the original longer version. Which is better? One may not be 'better' but will almost
certainly 'feel' different, have different emotional overtones. 
4)Does this section MOVE the story forward? Cut it out entirely, then re-read the story. Does the
story still make sense? Is the pace of the story better or worse?


THESE are the sorts of questions you need to ask.
@@@@

***

<SNIP>

"Are you a virgin?" someone shouted, followed by a loud guffaw. 'Damn, I _knew_ there'd be a
pervert in the class.' And the questions got worse. Ranma had been trying for several minutes to
keep his cool, and only answer the serious ones, when the same kid, who Ranma now spotted
somewhere in the back, obviously not satisfied with the hue of red Ranma currently sported on his
face asked what it felt like to masturbate as a girl - which was what triggered Ranma's first
manifestation of a battle aura.

[Help me out with the above, please]

@@??? Help you out . . . how?
Frankly I think you were too passive at this point. And perhaps too graphic. Now . . .I know that
HS students can
be crude beyond belief. (A Kobe Junior HS student decapitated his 13 year old friend and played
with the head http://www.worldwideshoes.org/journals/7_12.html) 
But I think this scene works better if you have Ranma interacting with specific students in a 'brief' 
Q&A session. It's always more effective if you deal with specifics rather than generalities.  Better
if you SHOW the 'kid in the back' (name him or her and describe) asking Ranma this question.
@@@@


"Silence!" The noise and the lightshow were quite spectacular, each in their own right, and served
admirably in quieting the class down. "Who asked that?" Ranma queried in a deadly quiet voice,
his aura still flaring. "Raise your hand, please."

The offender failed to comply, but flinched visibly. Ranma smiled - 'gotcha'. Walking over, he
grabbed the boy by his collar, lifting him out of his chair and dangling him several inches off the
ground with one hand.

"Would you like to find out?" Ranma asked in an icily calm voice. "I can turn you into a girl right
here and now, free of charge. All you have to do is ask. I must warn you, though, the process is
quite painful, messy, and very very permanent." The boy shook his head violently.

@@OK this is better. You're SHOWING!
@@@@

"<SNIP>

[Tell me this isn't hideously overdone? Again, suggestions for names are appreciated, since I'm
really, really bad at them. The worst case scenario being everyone's called 'hey you' or I start
stealing from other anime...]

@@
1)Names:
http://business.baylor.edu/Phil_VanAuken/JapaneseNames.html

http://www.japanorama.com/namesinj.html

http://www.pdom.com/japanese_names.htm

As for "hideously overdone?"
It all depends on what you were trying to do with the story. How do you
want to characterize Ranma? Akane? The students and teachers?
What's the tone of the story?
The different parts of your story don't exist in isolation. They're part
of an organic whole. Everything that comes AFTER this, must flow
emotionally and logically from what has come before.

Final notes for this chapter:

Yeah, I changed the title. And the intro. And the tone. I _did_ keep quite a lot of the text I'd
originally written, and even more of the situations. This is really only half of chapter one - the next
half is the rest of the day, beginning with the lunch break and "Kuno, part the second" - as well as
Nabiki and the rumor mill. I just wanted to get this out now...

I need some help with "girly" reactions - I know very well how guys react to a pretty girl, but I
have no experience with girl talk - please?

@@Best suggestion? Read Teen, Seventeen, Cosmo,etc. Also look
at the womens section in the library/bookstore. Fiction and non fiction.
You're going to have to get a 'feel' for the different
'voices' you need. You'd do similar research if you needed
the proper 'voice' for a W.Va. Coal Miner. ^_O
@@@@


Oh yeah - guess the name of the guy who got Ranma kicked out of the last school...


Sebastian

__________________________________________________________________
The NEW Netscape 7.0 browser is now available. Upgrade now! http://channels.netscape.com/ns/browsers/download.jsp 

Get your own FREE, personal Netscape Mail account today at http://webmail.netscape.com/

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'