Sam Vilsmeier wrote:

The characters in this story belong to their respective creators and
rights holders. Ranma 1/2 is the creation of Rumiko Takahashi. Sailor
Moon is the creation of Naoko Takeuchi. All original content is the
creation of Samuel Phoenix.

 All My Outers...
Prologue: Here Comes the Brides
PsyckoSama (syp104@psu.edu)

Ranma let out a low groan as he opened his eyes to the day. Bright.
It was just was too damn bright. The morning sunlight was like two
hot daggers of solar hellfire burning into his eyes sockets.

He clamped his eyes shut, and let him mind wander. What the hell was
going on? Slowly, through a clouded mind, he catalogued the factors
of his current state. His eyes were supersensitive. It took everyone
a moment to adjust to the light level when they woke up in the
morning, but this was ridiculous.

[IMO, substituting 'details' for 'factors' would probably flow better.]

He also had problems thinking. While most people would think that was
normal, it was not. While he would loath to admit it, the only thing

[would => was]

quicker then his mind, was his mouth. Right now that was not the

[then => than]

case. He was light headed, and his mind was working more slowly.

He had no idea where he was or what he was doing here, but

[I take it this is a fragment of something you deleted]

And what the hell was this pressure on his chest. He slowly shifted

[Beginning a sentence with 'and' is usually a no no. Beginning a
paragraph is even worse.]

his body, and felt some form of weak restraint when he moved his
arms. Suddenly, the pressure shifted. Ranma's mind went into
overdrive as the pressure moved shifted its self. It was then he

[its self => itself]

realized what it was.

Slowly, his eyes creaked open, he fought the pain for a moment, and
when his vision cleared, he didn't like what he saw.

[This doesn't scan.

Slowly, he forced his eyes open, fighting the pain. He did not like what
he saw as his vision cleared.

Better, ne?]

He was in bed with four people. Four naked people. Four very *female*

[in bed => in a bed]

naked people. The on his on his chest was a small, cute, black haired

[on = one]

girl in her mid teens, fourteen... fifteen at best. The girl on his

[remove the space after the elipses, or use a comma.]

left was a beautiful and had aquamarine hair. On his right was a
healthy but tomboy-ish blond, and there appeared to be a shock of
dark green hair at the foot of the bed.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! He was the filling of a girl sandwich. No
ifs, and or buts about it: Akane was going to *kill* him, slowly and

[Choose either 'and' or 'or', or use 'and/or']

painfully... and if she didn't, Shampoo and Ukyo would finish the job.

[Elipses again. Use a comma or period. Try "And even if"]

He had to get out of here. He had to run. He didn't know exactly how
he was going but he was. Saotome Ranma was not going to die because

[Third sentence has an adverb/passive mismatch - 'how' doesn't segue
with 'going'.]

of this! An orgy wouldn't do *him* in.

He had to get out. He had to escape before it was too late, but how?
Maybe he could squirm out of their grip! Yeah, that might work,
squirm out of their grip and run! If he did that, he might have a
chance!

There was a loud yawn from the girl on his chest as she reentered the
land of the living. She groaned slightly as she opened her eyes.
After a moment she looked up, and strait into Ranma's eyes.

[strait => straight]

So much for his chance.

She smiled cutely, and blinked twice for good measure. "Err... hello."

"Ahh... Hi," replied Ranma.

[Elipses, elipses. The second one is the more warranted - replace the
first with a period.]

The cute girl blushed and looked downwards, "Something poking me in
the hip..."

Ranma gagged, so that's what that present feeling was...

[More elipses. Replace with periods.]

"You're a naughty boy, aren't you!" she said as she giggled cutely.

[as she giggled => giggling]

Ranma's mind froze, and he slowly nodded affirming her accusel with

[accusel => accusal or accusation]

an "Ah huh".

Again, the girl giggled, "I feel lightheaded... I bet this is just a
strange dream. I'm going back to sleep now, okay?" To accentuate her
point, she yawned.

Ranma gulped. He wished this was just a dream. Maybe if she went to
sleep he could find a way out, if only he could find a way out from
under this cute girl. "Er... okay."

[Repetition of 'find away out'. Replace the first one with 'get away'?]

The girl smiled, and snuggled into Ranma's chest much to his

[chest => chest,]

displeasure, and growing discomfort. "Good night..."

Her movement must have awakened the woman at his feet, because there
was a loud groan at the foot of the bed, and then a loud thud as she

[Repetition of loud.]

rolled off, followed a battery of what sounded like curses in some
strange gaijin language.

Ranma chucked to himself as he one again considered the situation. He

[chucked => chuckled] [Consider replacing 'considered' with 'took stock
of']

was in bed with four women. One of them was awake and cuddling his
chest, another just fell off the bed and was obviously pissed, and
two more were still sleeping in his arms. Considering his past luck
with women he could only come to one realization.

"So this is it, I am going to die."

--------------

Setsuna curse loudly as she hit the ground. Today her chosen language

[curse => cursed]

was Norse, and the reason was its colorful collection of insults and
fowl words. The Norse really knew how to express their opinion when

[fowl => foul]

things were not going their way.

Once she was done expressing her displeasure, she laid back onto the

[Repetition of 'espressed/expressing.' Consider 'venting']

floor. Squinting because of the light, she began to consider her
situation.

She was nude, she had just gotten laid, and she had no idea how she
had gotten into this situation. She tried to remember, but she was
running a blank. She shook her head in an attempt to clear the

[running => drawing]

cobwebs, the last time she had been this lightheaded was... was...

[Replace the comma with a period, and watch those elipses]

1960-something.

She squinted her eyes, and took a quick look at the interior. Haruka

[Try using the passive voice, and 'squinting']

and Michiru's room. Could she have had an orgy with the two lesbian
outers?

['outers' is properly capitalized => 'Outers']

Her hand quickly darted down to her nether regions. After a moment of
probing, she brought her hand up to her nose and took a sniff.

So much for that theory. There was defiantly a man present. Girls

[defiantly => definitely]

just didn' t smell like that.

[didn' t => didn't]

Setsuna slowly moved to stand up, but her movement was slowed by an

[slow, move, move, slow - try using different roots, like careful or
maneuver]

aching pain in her lower half. Whoever she had been with was very
energetic. Too bad she could remember any of it.

She sat back down to orient herself. Man, what was that uncomfortable
feeling on her finger? She looked down at her hand, and was struck by
a wave of sobriety.

She was wearing a ring, a wedding ring. Now, this was new. She could

[Eithe remove the comma after 'now', or remove 'now' altogether]

honestly say that in all her thousands of years of life she had never
married.

She cursed to herself in ancient Sumerian. While she was not
particularly fond of the culture, they always had the most explicit
curses. They made the Norse sound clean.

[repetition of curses. Try replacing the first one with 'swore']

When she was finished exclaiming her displeasure, she laid back and

['exclaiming' doesn't fit. 'vocalizing'?

thought to herself. What now? She would have to have it annulled,
there was no other option. She did not know the person, and she could
not afford a long-term relationship.

She had too many secrets, and could not allow herself to become
attached to a 'mortal'. She had already watched everything she ever
known and loved be destroyed once, and she would be damned before she

[either use 'she had ever known' or 'she ever knew'

watched a husband slowly rot away from old age while she stayed
young. It was just not good for ones psychological health.

[ones => one's]

Oh well, that could come later. Time to take a look at "husband
number one". Great, now she was sounding like those bitter old
divorc�es that she knew during her time in America.

She shook her head then slowly wobbled to her feet, and took a look
on the bed. He was inbed Michiru, Haruka, and even Hotaru?! She

[inbed => in bed]

blinked twice then exclaimed, "What the hell?!"

Interesting situation. The beginning of the two segments are very
similar, which might not be that great an idea. I'm curious as to how
this happened. Other Ranma fics with similar setups have used Shampoo's
concoctions. Just alcohol wouldn't explain Hotaru.

Will we see more of this or AC soon?

SP



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