Hopefully this will signify me becoming a bit more regular with C&C. Time
will tell, I suppose. Everything here that wasn't written by the original
author is merely my opinion or advice, and should be taken or left as such.
^_^x
For a personal blooper, I sent a mini-review of this to the author, wishing
him luck on the contest, and only now do I recognize that the results have
already taken place. Oops.
Stormwalker <stormwalker@airmail.net> presents...
Ten
A short work of Bubblegum Crisis (OAV) fanfiction
by Douglas A. Reeves
Winner - Second Prize, AnimeFEST! 2002 Fanfiction Contest
-------------------------
An amused smirk plays at the corners of my lips as I watch this
most seemingly unlikely of scenes unfold. Priss stands in the center
of a flurry of activity, fidgeting nervously as a number of other >young
women fuss over every detail of her appearance. An impressive
appearance it is, as well; those who have known Priss over the years
might double-take at seeing her now...
SLYIA: Who'd have thought she would actually want to MODEL the new line of
lingere we have at the store?
the flowing white dress is
better suited to her than many might expect. I feel a slight flush >of
pride at that, having played something of a role in that as well >as most
aspects of this ceremony. Nothing of my contribution, >however, can
account for Priss herself; the dress merely serves to >accent her own
beauty, which others are taking great pains to make >apparent.
*SNIP*
Linna laughs. "Oh, but Priss knows exactly what I mean, don't
you, Priss?" she counters, a sly look on her face. It is another
jab... a joke that isn't a joke. Certainly she is teasing Priss,
hoping for the reaction that her friend has so carefuly not shown...
and it is probably a bit of a poke at Nene as well. It is also,
though, a way for Linna to express her own misgivings about the step
Here, Sylia's assurance of Linna's feelings feels omnipresent, which is
always a snag of first person POV.
"It is also, though..." --suggests-> "It is also, perhaps..."
Giving less of a certain foot to stand on. Of course, Sylia is the
calculated, confident one, so you could get away with it based on
characterization.
that Priss is taking. She has developed something of a cynical view >of
romance over her years of short-lived, transient relationships. >Though
she never lacks for a boyfriend, one wonders if Linna has ever >had a love.
NENE: Of course she does! Her Black and Decker!
SYLIA: *baps Nene*
Likewise, Priss had once closed off her heart... though for
different reasons. Now, though, she only gives her friend a wry >smile.
"I'm just ready for this to be over with. I've never been >this nervous in
my life." It is an unusual admission from her... >this is someone who has
spent most of her adult life and even some >time before that on stage,
baring her tempestuous soul for all to see >in her music, defying any and
all to challenge her, to tell her she
is wrong. I wonder at such words from her, at the emotions it must
I'm not totally positive, but I think capitilization is needed after that
ellipse. Also, the end of that sentence reads awkwardly. Could be a
semi-colon or restructuring, depending on what you were trying to portray.
take to produce them. I have never known romantic love, have never >faced
such a moment, so I can only imagine... and yet, I see so much >reflected
in Priss' eyes that it is almost overwhelming even to me.
*SNIP*
With her words, images flash in my mind; I remember our first
meeting, a perfect example of the kind of start Priss is looking to
avoid. I can still clearly see the look on her face as I stood over
her, having knocked the knife out of her hand, and offered her a >chance to
do something productive with all her pent-up rage. I >remember being
struck by the depth of her passion, even in furious >anger, and by the
force of her will. These are still with her today, >the very
characteristics which have born her through seemingly >endless trial over
the years and which have made this day possible.
"trial" --should be-> "trials"
Now, she has come full circle, and that beginning has finally come to >an
end. She moves on to the next chapter in her life... and now so >must I.
"It will be, Priss," I assure her. "I'll be sure of that."
With those words, I stand. "Now, if you will excuse me a few >minutes, I
must see to some things." It is not completely untrue... though the entire
affair is most competently organized--my work, >after all--there are
certain matters I should look into. More than >that, though, I realize
that I need some time to myself, to prepare >myself for what is about to
be.
*SNIP*
I consider stopping for a moment to speak with him, then decide
better of it. Doubtless he has heard quite enough already... >probably
more than he would like, considering his rather eclectic >collection of
groomsmen. Between his partner Daley, who seems to be
"...his partner Daley,..." --should be-> "...his partner, Daley,..."
enjoying entirely too many jokes at Leon's expense, one of Leon's >other AD
Police friends, and the drummer from Priss' band, the >atmosphere in that
room must be something to behold. Deciding to >spare Inspector McNichol's
nerves, I simply greet him in passing and >continue on my way.
Again my mind is drawn back to the beginning, this time to the
rules I laid down for the Knight Sabers when I first recruited each >of the
members. Priss was the only one of the three who did not >protest the
tenth rule... having just lost a love, she had no desire
And here I see the significance of the title. Until I read the header
closer, I originally thought this was a surprisingly quickly-finished
chapter from R.E. ^_^;;
to seek another. It is perhaps ironic then that her breach of that >rule
marks the end of all that was begun on that day. I have always >been
better at making rules than enforcing them... it is a tendency >that could
easily have gotten us all into trouble many times over. >Now, though, I am
glad of it, for this day could not have come had I >been more strict. When
I wrote those rules, I truly did not >anticipate my relationship with those
in my employ to ever become >anything more than business; they were useful
to me, and I provided >them with the opportunities they desired. I am not
sure when it was >that this began to change... the process was slow but
certain.
It occurs to me now, that I, too, have changed.
SYLIA: My voice has gained some substantial base to it, and my morning time
practices have prolonged to include getting rid of more unsightly facial
stubble, although I must admit to some elation at being able to pee standing
up...
*SNIP*
She shrugs, an impossibly inelegant gesture for someone made to
look so majestic... but one that is inescapably Priss, regardless.
"I'm all right," she says. "Don't know why I'm so nervous, though... >I
haven't been this wound up over something since my first concert." >She
looks down at herself. "I feel... I don't know, I feel like all >of this
is too good for me, kinda. Like someone is going to come in >here and say
I don't belong or somethin'"
You can replace that first ellipse with a comma, unless it was a given
effect you were reaching for.
Also, missing a period at the end of the last sentence.
I cannot help but smile at that. "This is your day, Priss," I
remind her. "You have waited for this, and fought for this, and >earned
this, and no one will take it from you. Moments like this >only come
once... try to enjoy it while you have it."
"Oh, I am, I am," she assures me, and there is a hint of
embarrassment in her voice. "It's just... well, you know me, Sylia. >I
hate waitin'. I just want to get on with it. Besides, I'm afraid >to move
in this dress and all... I'm not used to delicate stuff like
this." More images come to mind, of Priss' misadventures--her
entanglements with Frederick's and Mason's minions; her battles with
the DD, Largo, and the Chang Group's mecha; her treatment of one >young
reporter's camera--and I have to allow myself a little smile. >Is it any
wonder that she is unaccustomed to delicacy? "Don't get me >wrong," she
adds quickly, remembering who bought that dress for her, >"...it's
beautiful and all. Nene keeps talking about how Leon will
I think...maybe an overuse of the ellipses. You might want to find a way to
dull it down. Poor Priss sounds really, really nervous and aggitated. ^-^
pass out when he sees me. It's just... I'm not used to this kinda >thing."
I nod knowingly, but before I can respond further Nene and >Linna
return, looking entirely cheerful and pleased with themselves. >A few more
minutes of good-natured teasing and idle conversation >follow; Linna
mentions one of Leon's friends she met at the rehearsal >dinner, opening
herself up for a few quick verbal jabs from an >all-too-eager Priss.
Turnabout is fair play, I suppose.
Nene takes the time to look herself over in the mirror once >more;
she seems satisified with her appearance, as she should... for >all that
this is a traditional wedding as the Western customs go, we >managed to
avoid the usually horrific bridesmaid's dresses that seem >to accompany
such events. After all, if I must wear one, I will make >at least that
concession to my own sense of dignity. They are
MACKIE: So you're going with the plum frilly teddies and thigh-high/garter I
suggested, sis?
SYLIA: Of course not. They don't match the shoes. Find a cream color,
instead.
simple, and certainly place us in no danger of overshadowing the >bride--if
such would even be possible, and in this case it certainly >is not--but it
is an elegant simplicity, with a beauty of its own.
*SNIP*
The ceremony over, it is time for the reception. Here there is
"Here there is..." --suggest-> "Here, then, is..."
a surprise for almost everyone... how many wedding receptions can >boast an
appearance by Vision and the Revengers? If the ceremony was
traditional, the reception proves somewhat livelier, as is to be
expected considering those it is held to honor. Unable to let a
concert pass at her own wedding without at least taking the stage >once,
Priss kicks off the affair with a piece from her upcoming disc. >From
there, the party starts in earnest, and after ensuring that all >is in
order I can fade into the shadows to reflect on my own >feelings.
*SNIP*
--------------
End
Well, as I said earlier, a beautiful, very well-done piece, Reeves-san.
Thanks for taking the time to share it with us. No I will go be a snoop and
catch up on Sailor Gemini. ^-^
- Kenji M. (KMurasaki@Hotmail.com)
Kenji's Nexus:
http://www.geocities.com/nexuslink
Random Plug:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ainofics/
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