[FFML] Re: Ranma: The Atomic Kid[R.5/DN][X-over]


Dear Reader,
This is my new, generic C&C disclaimer.
I've had some problems recently with authors
who have gotten a little . . .personal in their
response to my C&C. Hence, the following:

1)EVERYTHING is In MY Opinion ONLY!

2) I'm commenting on the STORY. NOTHING
I say should be taken personally.  My comments
and criticisms are directed at:
a) story telling
b)Dramatic Tension
c)Characterization
d)Plot

3)ALL my C&C is based on the kind of things I 
read and write. I am telling the author what
I liked or disliked and why.
I C&C as if the story were going to be published
in the real world, for money. I'm suggesting
changes that, IMO, would make a better
story.

4)I'm not a professional editor. And even 
professional editors make mistakes.  Different
people like reading different things. NEVER
try to please everyone. Write what you like,
the way you like.
BUT . . .please do not jump up and down on
the critic/editor because s/he didn't love your story.
I'm giving my honest opinion, as clearly as I know how.
Perhaps you disagree with me. Perhaps I am wrong.
Maybe I see something you don't, and maybe you don't care.
That's fine.  Fiction writing is very subjective with a lot
of room for disagreement.

BUT

Please don't get personal.
No sarcasm, cutting or denigrating
remarks. And no profanity. 
It wastes time better spent on writing.
If you think my C&C is so far off the mark,
just delete it, unread, and go on to something 
more interesting.

I hope this prevents any further misunderstandings.

some writing resources that may be useful:
http://members.aol.com/MacedonPg/writing.htm

http://www.realchangenews.org/StreetWrites/Exercises/index.html

http://www.sff.net/people/lwe/miscellaneous/laws.htm

http://www.dragonsquillandink.com/Resources/writing_resources.html

##########################################################################

Comments@@


Sean Danna <carrotglace@mindspring.com> wrote:

@@Disclaimer? Not only to give credit to the authors
of the original stories, but also to let the reader
know which series you are using as the basis of your
story.
@@@@


Ranma Saotome: The Atomic Kid

  Chapter one.

  Genma's big...mistake?

+++++++++++++++++++

  "But...but..." stammered Genma as he stared at the man with pleading
eyes.

  The man was tall, but Genma was at face height because he was sitting
on a barstool. He snorted and frowned at the man. "You got wax in yer
ears? Get lost."


@@???
1) WHO is at face height? Genma is at face height with "the man" who is
sitting on the stool? OR, "the man" is at face height with Genma sitting on a
stool?
2)"He snorted and frowned at the man." Who is "He" and who is "the man"?


3)HOOK? Slow and confusing beginning.
4)Narrative is sparse. Descriptions of Bar, "the man" etc, need
to be increased. Paint a word picture for the reader of sight,
sound, smell, etc.
@@@@


  "You must understand! If the promise is not kept, we'll both die!"

  "What?" said the man coldly as he let his shades fall slightly down his
nose. His cold blue eyes stared forward with nothing but icy death in
them. He was a gaijin, and a terribly frightening one at that. His hair
was blonde and cut into a military style buzz.

  "Me and the boy! Not you!"

"That's what I thought," snorted the man as he turned back to his beer.
"You shouldn't make promises you can't keep mister. I ain't got time to
take care of no brats, especially not a bunch of em. Which is what would
happen if I took him."

  Genma stared at the man in disbelief. "Wha?"

  "Who do you think yer talkin too mister?" said the man as he peered
into Genma's eyes through the shades.


@@Yes, who is he talking to? And . . . I have NO idea what
that sentence meant in context with what's going on.
And, beyond the bare fact that Genma is talking with a man
in a bar, nothing else is at all clear. 
@@@@


  The smaller man simply nodded, he wasn't even sure why.

  "What a wimp," commented the taller man irritably.

  He paused at the sight of what was next to him. The young child, a
six-year-old boy, was waving for another beer as he put down the glass
on the table. He had a cheerful grin on his face as he belched loudly
and turned to look the tall man in the eyes.

  Genma's eyes went wide as he noticed the man staring at his son.
"Ranma! What do you think you are doing?!"

  The boy looked at his father in confusion. "Havin a beer. Why? That
bartender sure is slow though. Hey! Over here moron!" The boy picked up
an ashtray and nailed the man in the back of his head.

  "This yer kid?" said the man as he stood stiffly from his stool. He
didn't sound very happy.

  "Yes," muttered Genma numbly.

  "A guy like you doesn't deserve a son like this kid.


@@??? Seem pretty well suited to me. You haven't given
the reader enough of a picture of Ranma or Genma to 
tell if that's true, or even what "the man" means by
that. Could be he means that Genma doesn't deserve
such a miserable "kid". OR that Ranma doesn't deserve
such a miserable father.
@@@@

 I'll take him off

yer hands; he'll come when I feel like bringing him back. I want to make
sure none of your wussiness rubs off on him."


@@Other than the fact that "the man" can drink beer, what
leads the reader to believe "the man" is NOT a "wuss" himself?
OR to believe that Genma IS a "wuss"?
@@@@


<SNIP>

+++++++++++++++++++

  Years later...

  [Sorry, I must insert evil laughter here. Ahem.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!]

@@I suspect this is some sort of in joke?
Since I have no idea what "DN" . . . wait . . .
Duke Nukem? I've heard the name, but have no
idea what it's about.
@@@@


  It was a breezy afternoon in the middle of a grassy field. Two men
stood alone, both with stubble on their faces and well built forms. 

  They were both dressed relatively the same. The older one in a red
muscle shirt with blue jeans and a gold belt buckle. The buckle had
radioactive symbol on the front of it.


@@Ummm . . .do you mean the trefoil-in-a-circle that indicates
the presence of Alpha, Beta and/or Gamma radiation  
or that the symbol (whatever it might be) itself is radioactive?


  The younger man had a silver buckle, and a black shirt. Oddly enough,
neither one of them was armed at the time.


@@And why is this odd?
@@@@


  "He ain't here yet."

  "I know."

  Neither showed any emotion throughout the conversation. It didn't even
really matter who had said the words.


@@Well, it wouldn't have, until you brought it up. I'm
not sure if that actually broke the fourth wall or not,
but it certainly was jarring.
@@@@
Then the dialogue went from being transparent to intrusive.
@@@@


  "So, this guy's a wuss huh?"

  "Yup," replied the older of the two. Duke Nukem, he had a few more
years on him now, but still looked pretty much exactly the same.


@@Since you never really described "Duke", this
isn't much help.
@@@@


<SNIP>

<SNIP>

  Akane gasped again, surprised by his maneuver. "My honor demands it!"
cried the girl as she spun into a backhand.

  Ranma casually put his arm up and blocked it while reaching out with
his other hand to poke her in the throat with the barrel of a very large
handgun. "There, you lost."

  Akane let loose a weak sounding cough as she fell flat on her rear.
"Huh?"

  "Don't worry. It's not illegal. I'm licensed to carry this anywhere on
the planet."


@@??? Oh YEAH?
1)Sorry, there ain't no such animal as a "carry anywhere on the planet"
licence.
2)No one but an complete idiot or a cartoon character would pull a stunt like
that. There isn't a single person on this planet who handles firearms
that hasn't had at least one accidental discharge. If this had been Ranma's
time, he would have killed Akane. 
OTOH, you've established Ranma as a completely unlikable, sociopath,
so this might just fit.
@@@@


<SNIP>

Overall:
You've got some real snappy dialogue in places. That's good.

Problems:
1)DIALOGUE heavy. There's almost
NO narrative. ADD sight, sound, taste colour, smell, etc.
so the reader can get a word picture of the environment and
the characters.

2)NO characterization. NO 'voice'. All the characters
'sound' more or less alike. And there's no depth
to the characterizations. There's also no EMOTION!

3)PLOT:??? So far you're re-telling the original
story, with Sunglasses, Cigarettes and a Gun added.

4)Dynamic Tension:???
Since I don't care about the characters AND since Ranma's
approach to problem solving seems to be a "two in the chest and
one in the head, makes sure they're really dead" there's
not much in the way of Dynamic Tension.

I'll freely admit that I don't play video games. I've
never even seen Duke Nukem, so perhaps I'm missing something.
I've been shot at. I didn't like it. I've seen people who've
been shot (working as an EMT) THEY didn't like it. Mostly
a lot of screaming and bleeding and dying. So shoot-em-up
video games have no appeal for me. I'm NOT your target
audience, so I may have missed the point of this story entirely.

You did a very good job with Ranma's dialogue in spots.
(Ranma & Akane in the doujou for example) But everyone else
just seems to be in the story to give Ranma a chance to show
what a 'Bad Ass' he is, and what a 'wuss' they are.

There's a lot of potential in this story, but I'd like to see more depth
to the characters, more descriptive narrative and Dynamic Tension. That is, What's the problem to solve?

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