Am sending this privately because of my current sending sitation.  If you 
wish to post a public response with the contents of this email, you have my 
permission.

***Will take you up on that only to see what other C&Cers may add.***


Ahh...just read these two chapters.  Will probably hold off on the next 
ones, and the rewritten ones until later.  If you've already rewritten 4 and 
5, let me know, so I can change my comments to reflect on those instead.  As 
usual, I have not read previous C&C or responses to try and give a new 
perspective on the fic, so apologies in advance if I'm beating a dead horse 
at any point.


***Never noticed that from you.  I like your commentary for the fact that 
it's not pointless bickering over small details, but resonable criticism.  
And that makes it very valuble.***


<later note>

...and I just realized, right before sending this, that you've already sent 
out revised chapters.  *sigh* Ah well...I'll read them over sometime and 
send you some C&C then(later though.  Am kind of tired atm)  I guess take 
what's still applicable from this one, and just ignore the rest.

***Most of it still seems usable***


 > "They not lay hands on.  Zhu Shu very fast.  Not warmed up though. 
Overextend self."

For someone who's supposed to be not fluent in Japanese, overextend is a 
rather advanced word. ^_^

***First person to notice.  Zhu Shu's been trained to speak very formally, 
and while she has a poor grasp of sentance structure and grammar, she does 
try to speak precisely.***


 > "I don't think so.  He has a good heart Akane.  He may not be all that 
great at showing it, but I think that might have to do with the fact that 
he's your fianci."

fianci = fiance

***That's FFML's text stripper when dealing with accented e's***

 > Ranma stared into his cup for a long time before answering.  "She ... 
She'll be okay."

She'll = she'll (I think.  Am not entirely sure of this).

***Me either.***

 > "Oh.  So you care more about her feelings than you do mine!  Some fiancie 
_you_ are."

fiancie = fiance

***Accented e again.***

As he passed through the door, he stopped and looked back at Akane.  
"Nabiki fainted because I asked her where you'd have fun on a date.  Now, I 
don't know why I bothered."

It occured to me just as I read this...how long has Ranma been around the 
Tendos' at this point?  Nabiki shouldn't have had such an extreme reaction, 
if he hasn't been there for awhile.  (Or did I ask this already?)


***Zhu Shu arrives as chapters Eight and Nine are taking place in the Ranma 
Manga (or episode six in the Anime)  As I am using a little of both as Canon 
(mostly manga) this means she approaches Akane after the end of chapter 
nine.  According to my count, this means she and Ranma have been 
establishing their love to hate relationship for between one to two weeks.  
Hard to say exactly since Rumiko doesn't specify if she's showing every day 
or not.

However, since Nabiki was present when Ranma made the comment about how 
Akane was too unsexy to ever get a husband (which resulted from the fight 
with Kuno where they discover Nabiki was selling pics) I think Nabs would be 
rather shocked to hear Ranma of all people, asking where Akane would like to 
go on a date.  If this hadn't immediately followed the bit about the pics 
with Kasumi kissing Zhu Shu, this wouldn't have been as much of a shock, but 
Nab's just had two bits of her world view shaken... Good old conservative 
Kasumi kissing a girl... in public... and Ranma, the tomboy hater, asking 
about taking Akane out... willingly.  It's a case of one last straw...***


 > As she drifted off to sleep, the figure made it's way around the dojo, 
occasionally crouching on all fours as it seemed to sniff the ground.

The way this is constructed, it seems that part of the time spent sniffing 
the ground is on all fours, and part is spent standing upright.  I'm sure 
this isn't what you meant.  Rather, you may have meant one of the following:

...made its way around the dojo, ocassionally crouching on all fours and 
sniffing the ground.

...around the dojo, crouching on all fours, and occasionally sniffing the 
ground.

The first says that sometimes, he's on all fours and sniffing, and sometimes 
bipedal and moving.  The second says that he's always on all fours, and 
sometimes, he's sniffing the ground.

***The first.  Will fix.***

 > Zhu Shu spent several hours composing her letter to her grandfather while 
Akane and Ranma were in school, then helped Kasumi clean house until they 
got a visit from a well to do reporter by the name of Tsukino who spent 
several hours looking over the dojo and talking to Soun before deciding that 
it was okay for his daughter and her friends to attend Martial Arts classes.

A personal stylistic note...I try never to use 'got', since 98% of the time, 
I believe one can rephrase the sentance in a better way, or just use a more 
descriptive word.  In this case, I'd probably say 'until they were visited 
from a well-to-do reporter...'

That's just my own opinion, though.

***Not a bad one either.  That's the trouble with reading things 900 
times... you tend to skip read...***

 > "Zhu Shu tries remember recipe for Cat Tongue!"

There are some good ones for Duck Tounge. ^_^

*** ;P ***

 > "Senshi, make up and introduce selves.  Is only polite when meet new 
friend."

Is it?  I've never heard of such a thing. ^_^;;;

*** (small pic of a kawaii face sticking out tounge while pulling down one 
eye.) ***


 > What's next?  Space visitors?

No, that was previously with the Oni, remember?  The phrase loses some of 
its effect.

Also, probably no need to pad thoughts with _, especially since you used
it for emphasis up above.

***Need to reword it then.  and the _***_ denotes italic.  That way when I 
import into word it will autoformat correctly.***



 > As the Apple tree doth shake off the snow and lift it's branches to the 
sun of spring, so does my heart throw off the cold snows of it's desolation 
at the joyous return of your beauty!

Apple tree? ^_^;;;

Apple should be lower case.

***Kuno quotes bad paraphrases of Shakespere.  Think apple tree is more 
exotic.  Could change it to cherry tree I suppose.***


 > The school had written her off as the hopelessly strange Chinese 
dragon-girl, and ignored her curse, mostly.

"The school" as in the administration, or the majority of the students? I'm 
a bit unclear on this.

*** The School body... However, I'm thinking of adding a new chapter between 
Beginnings End and Twists, Turns.  This chapter is specificly to develop the 
relationship of Zhu Shu, Akane, and Ranma,  and detail the week between Zhu 
Shu's first day at school, and the introduction of Ryouga.  Will see if I 
fix a lot of your questions...***


 > Then there was the fact that Zhu Shu  had no head for money.

Extraneous space between Shu and had.

Actually, YMB is quite prevalent in the parts of China I've seen(including 
the northern region of the Tibet mountains), and is pretty stable, to boot.  
The merchants there actually have a scam where they switch bills with Taiwan 
100 NT with Chinese YMB, since the bills look the same, but
the Chinese is worth more.

***Yes, but Zhu Shu's village is isolated to the point that what money 
passes through it is usually handled by the officials.  Zhu Shu's previous 
experience has been limited.  She's had to deal with it this last year, but 
when you figure she's mostly been out in the boonies, she really hasn't had 
to use it too often, and normally would deal directly with a merchant.  With 
her abilities, it's easy enough to see if someone's cheating you.

Now put her in a modern mall.  No merchants, just prices listed, things 
hawked by advertising signs, and customer service almost non existant.   Add 
to that unfamilar currency and a less than perfect grasp of the language.

I don't think it's that unreasonable Zhu Shu is a poor shopper in Japan.***

 > It was just such a contrast to the normally controlled Mandarin demeanor.

What is a Mandarin demeanor? ^_^;;;

***Part of what I changed this go round.  Line's not there anymore.***




 > It belonged to some chain she had never heard of called Denny's and it's 
main advantage was that, while near empty, it was the one place where 
someone who could help, even in so minor a way as giving directions, was.

Convoluted.  How about this?

It was part of a chain she'd never heard of, called Denny's, and its main 
attraction was that, though empty, there might be someone inside who could 
help her with directions.


***Yes, it is convoluted.  Will have to try and simplify, but it needs to 
express that she's here because the one person in this area who would be 
able to give the *right* directions is here.  Not everyone would recognize 
the name Hibiki, and understand the best way to give one directions is to 
send them the wrong way...***

 > Give her poker any day.

Seems odd phrased like this.  I tried a few alternate phrasings, but they 
didn't really work either.  Not sure what to do about it...perhaps just take 
it out?


***Do you play Magic: The Gathering?  If not then you may not get the 
reference.  Every card has it's own rules and abilities, and compared to 
most card games using a deck of playing cards, it's insanely complex.  
That's what Urd is referring to here.***


 > Her attention was caught as a vehicle drove up outside

Passive voice.  A vehicle that pulled up to the resturant outside drew her 
attention.

***Okay.***

 >"Domo Arigato."

Lowercase 'a'.

***Okay.***

Normally, I complain about gratutious Japanese, but since he's in a foreign 
country and the main language in this scene is English, it is not gratutious 
at all.  In fact, it fits very well. ^_^

***Thanks.***

 > The Gaijin were creeping in everywhere.

Lowercase 'g'

***Okay***

 > He has offended my Honor!

Lowercase 'h'

***Ditto***

 > Finally, he was on a street he knew.  "Furinkan High?"  He drew up in 
front of gate and stopped.  "Well, Ryouga, I think it's right over that 
way."

It would be funny if it WERE Furinkan High, and Tao erringly gave him the 
correct directions  ^_^

***That's the point.  He did.***

<snip>

Skimmed past the R&R reunion scene.  It seems all the same anyway.  I 
recommend trimming it to perhaps a few lines before any changes from canon.

***Tried, it read as too choppy.***

 > He picked up the Glock 9mm and checked it before putting it in his 
shoulder holster and buttoning his coat over it.

Hmm...isn't gun usage generally denied to most people in Japan?

***Yep.  That's the point.  Money is power.***


 > The woman looked to be his age, and he hoped that her sister wasn't  
_much_ younger.

Knowing that he was packing heat, then reading this sentance, I thought he 
had sinister plans until I completed this paragraph. ^_^;;;

***Heh.***

 > "Hai.  I wanted to meet the woman who had out maneuvered me so neatly on 
the Systemek deal."

Bleh.  Gratutious Japanese. ^_^;;;

***Oops.  Unconscious use there.***

 > I have done little research on you.

...done *a* little research...

unless you mean for him to imply that he's been lax in researching her. 
Possibly, but probably not what you meant.

***Nope.. missed the a.***

 > Tao-Ching raised an eyebrow.  She'd risked a deal like Systemek on 
limited funds?  It was suicidal!  Then he remembered she'd come out with 
nearly double what she'd gone into the deal with.


But, being a good investor, he realized that betting on near suicidal stakes 
was a eventually zero-sum game, and soon left the dojo disappointed that he 
had not found the financial genius that he sought.  ^_^

***Nah.  Tao-Ching's a maverick.  He admires brass balls.  And he's done 
enough research to know that Nabiki is a consistent winner, who is willing 
to take a risk when needed.***


 > "Sasuke?  Put Tatawaki on.  This is Tao-Ching."

<snip>
She never technically agreed to this, you know.  He could be in big trouble. 
:p

***No she never did.  A sign of Tao-Ching's immense self-confidence.  
Tao-Ching is an arrogant SOB...***


 > Too weak from shock to even move, Nabiki could only hope the spreading 
damp spot on the pillow she was sitting on wasn't visible...

Almost too fanservicy.  Almost.  ^_^;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

 > "Maybe not, but I am."

Zhu Shu promptly caused his Hummer to explode.  "Not anymore."

He's too smooth, you know.  The money, the 'Nabiki gets feelings at first 
sight' lines...it makes him feel very ANCish, though haven't read far enough 
to see if he becomes a character, or is just a plot item for Nabiki to 
exploit.

***Ahh, but Nabiki is used to people who are scared of her, or idiots like 
Kuno.  She's just been played by a Rich, Intellegent, MAN, who has expressed 
interest in her not only for her looks, but her financial skills.

Tao-Ching does play a role later on, because he's a mover and a shaker.  
Nab's will learn how to exploit him as time goes by, but that's later.   
He's larger than life because that's the image he projects.  He'll get more 
human as the story progresses.***

 > Several days later, Nabiki and Zhu Shu were about to leave for school 
when they found a smilodon on the doorstep.

You've been spelling 'smildon' with uppercase the whole time.  I don't know 
which is correct, since I've not heard the term before, but whatever it is, 
stay consistant.

***Smilodon is the correct term for saber toothed tiger.  I suppose it 
should be lower case.  will have to fix that.***

 > "Right.  Like I believe that.  Look, I don't care how rich you are, you 
could at least ask me on a date!"

This is rather forward for Nabiki, who typically thinks of dates as 
opportunities to drain boys dry of cash.  (That also blows a few holes in 
the "everyone too intimidated by her to ask her out" theory, you know. There 
was even a manga episode about it.)

***Yes.  Those are boys... most of who don't have nearly unlimited wealth.  
Tao-Ching is older than Kasumi remember, and he has power.  Money and Power 
are definately two of Nab's biggest turn-ons.  Nabiki is the Power at 
Furinkan, so it's easy to see why the boys there are too imtimidated to ask 
her out.  Tao-Ching could care less.***


 > "Still say is Hentai."

Lowercase 'h'.  Unless that's his nickname. :p

***Fixed***

 > She  tried to stand.

Extra space.

*** Hopefully fixed.  Doesn't show in Wordpad.***

 > "Give it a rest!"  she yelled as she went after Akane, realizing she'd 
said exactly the wrong thing.

Through the rest, you've used the male address for Ranma, so to stay 
consistant, it'd be 'he yelled'.

***Missed that one.  I've been sticking to male terms exclusively except 
when Ranma is attempting to be more feminine.***

 > Ranma noted the bruise on Zhu Shu's temple as he picked her up and turned 
to Akane, his long hair covering the tatters of her shirt.  "I-I think she 
has a concussion.  I-I ...."

>From just seeing a bruise on her head?  Rather astute.

***Combat first aid.  Ranma's had a lot of experiance with blunt head 
trauma. ; P ***


 >Mara spat. "Friends!"

Ah, what's a little backstabbing between friends? ^_^

>From the admittedly very little I've read of Mara, this doesn't seem like 
her at all.  But, I should probably read more manga before you take that to 
heart.

***It's not.  That's the point.  Mara is totally OOC.  You find out later 
why.***


 > Ranma put Zhu Shu on the bed with a small grimace of pain.  Then as 
Doctor Tofu shooed them out, he hissed.

Thought Tofu hissed for a sec ^_^;;;

***Will reword.***

 > She'd twisted her ankle, and Ranma had saved her.  Then he'd walked away 
from a fight because of her.

Actually, he walked away from a fight because Zhu Shu had a concussion. But, 
I suppose that her POV might have a different perspective on prior events. 
^_^

***Actually, he walked away before Zhu Shu came into it.  He walked away 
after Akane was injured when he took her to safety, then he walked away from 
Ryouga to go after Akane following the collapse of the bicycle shed.

That pretty well establishes whether Akane or his pride was more 
important... whether he knows it or not.***


 > The silence in the room was deafening.

Hmm...doesn't seem like the right phrase to use.  Perhaps "Although Ranma 
wasn't aware of it, Akane's silence spoke volumes."?  Or something similar.

***I take it you've never been in a situation where the quieter it actually 
is, the louder your thoughts are?  Trust me.  Sitting outside a courtroom 
realizing your soon-to-be ex-wife is more interested in how much money she 
can sponge off the state and you than in trying to work out your problems 
together, no matter how much she said that's what she wanted to do showed me 
exactly how deafening silence can be.

Fotunately, I found someone who showed me what love is really supposed to 
be... (would that I had found her first.  That's what being young dumb and 
hormone controlled gets you.) ; P ***

 > No jumping and no violent exercise.

I don't think he'd say "violent exercise" ^_^;;;  Vigorous?  Strenuous?  I 
think strenuous sounds best, personally.

***Humm... maybe.***

 > The two had an electricity between them Zhu Shu had never seen, and she 
didn't have a clue as to what had caused it.

"DAHLING!"  *ZAKZAKZAKZAKZAK* "Oh, wrong person.  Sorry t'cha!" As she 
watched the pair of lovebirds crumple in pain, Zhu Shu finally realized 
where the electricity had come from."


***Dammit Lum!  No shock Ranma!!!***


 > "You have beautiful hair, you know.  Why do you keep it so short?"

Er...that's not short hair ^_^;;;

***Relative to the hair length preffered by most Bishonen Anime Love 
Interests (BALI for short) Ranma has short hair.***


 > Soun and Genma sobered instantly.  "Seal Grave?"  They asked in tandem.

 > "Ya, Mon!"  The still drunk priest missed the sudden seriousness.  "I  
got seals not even de Loa can break.  Nottin be gettin out of a grave I seal 
but de worms!"

Happi?

***Awww.  You peeked.***


 > Now for the second part of it^E

Funny code at the end.

***FFML text stripper strikes again.***

 > Ke Lun stood on the end of the dock, examining the massive city of Tokyo.

Extra space between of and Tokyo.

***Hopefully fixed.  Again doesn't show in Wordpad.***


 > Ke Lun nodded.  "It said 'My daughter speaks the truth'."  She thought  
it politic not to add the "for once."

heh!

*** : ) ***

 > "It is the name of Ranma Saotomes current Fiancee."

Fiancee should be lowercase.

***Oops.**

 > Okay, so Ranma must have feelings for this Akane Tendo if her death would 
ruin Shan Pu's chance for happiness.

Extra space between Pu's and chance.

You could also pass this off as Akane being part of the wish due to 'being 
involved', and killing her would be an unhappy event. ^_^

***Nah.  Cologne's savvy enough to realize that if Ranma loves Akane, then 
killing her would be a bad thing for Shampoo.  Note that while Cologne tries 
to find ways to get Ranma to dump Akane, she's never outright suggested 
killing her.***


 > Maybe this old ghoul can show you a few of the finer points of 
manipulating one's descendants into doing exactly what is best for them...

Cologne never did like the term Old Ghoul...I kind of doubt she'd use it, 
even in self-deprecation.

***More like sarcasm.  I'm sure Ranma's not the first to call her that.  
It's the disrespect that she objects too.***


 > "Humm?"  Kasumi took in the scissors,

This kind of implies that she's giving the scissors a good home.  Or 
stabbing herself.  ^_^

Kasumi's gaze took in the scissors...

***Okay.***


 > "Besides, he likes short hair..."

Kasumi frowned.  So THAT was why Tofu didn't seem to take her seriously! 
She'd be sure to cut her own hair as soon as she was done with Akane's.

***Ahh, but Kasumi is *supposedly* blissfully unaware that Akane had a crush 
on Doctor Tofu.  My version's not, of course... but she's also smart enough 
to realize Akane's referring to Ranma.***


 > "Push Button?"  Zhu Shu supplied helpfully.

Even with all the fanservice you're giving, I am NOT going to say it. :p

***Ahh, come on... you know you want to...***


<snip>

Zhu Shu's still the perfect psychologist. ^_^;;;
(Incidentally, I will read the first few chapter rewrites a bit later)

 > "Now Zhu Shu takes bath! Not proper for boy share tub!  Fiancie maybe not 
understand!"

Fiancee.
There's no 'maybe' about Akane not understanding about bathing situations.
:p

***Nope... except that Akane knows who Zhu Shu likes...***


 > "Zhu Shu, if you were any other girl, I'd be utterly shocked and outraged 
at that look."

Heck, if she were any other boy, Akane would be furious. :p

***Yep.***

 > Zhu Shu shrugged.  She wasn't used to being the one analyzed.

They say doctors are the worst patients. ^_^

***Ain't it the truth.  Zhu Shu's great at analyzing everyone but herself.  
It's her biggest problem and why the she gets so stubborn about marrying 
Ranma...***


 > Akane blushed, and turned away.  "I'm being all out of character today.  
I don't know what's come over me."

Hahaha!  It is usually the reader who says this to the writer, not the other 
way around ^_^

Seriously though, for a character to be OOC after they've been in this much 
fic isn't necessarily a bad thing at all, so long as he or she grew into the 
role, and was not placed there.  I did think a bit more character 
development was in order in the first few chapters to get to this point(as 
you likely recall), and hope to read those rewrites you posted soon.

***Not as much maybe as you want.  That's why I'm contemplating the added 
chapter.***

 > "Zhu Shu not mind."

"After all, you should have read that Jason Liao.  Or not.  Good god, what a 
poor writer..." ^_^

***Don't know.  You're a great C& Cer though.***


 > "Whatcha doing."

Question mark.

***Grr.  Okay.***

 > Akane woke from dreams of a Ranma who took her dancing across the stars 
to the sounds of combat.

/o~ Fly me to the moon... ~o/

 > Ryouga was still giving him a hard stare, but then Kasumi smiled at him 
and it melted.  "I- I guess it's ok.  No real harm done."  He blushed to 
nearly terminal red.  "I- I suppose it could have been worse."

"No hard feelings.  And in any case...FOR THE OFFENSE OF THE CURRY BREAD,
PREPARE TO DIE!!!"  ^_^

***Actually, Ryouga's always been a case of insult to injury.  If you can 
keep Ranma from insulting him, it doesn't come to injuries.***



 > "What did I do now."  He asked plaintively.

Question mark.

 > Author's Note:  Yes, okay, I admit to one scene of self insertion!  Clive 
Cussler does it too...

Heh.  I used to try doing one all the time, and having myself killed.  Got 
bored of it after awhile, though. ^_^

***Hey, it used to be about someone who once was a friend.  Once.  I rewrote 
it to be about me and Jenny.***

Whew.  You know, this takes twice as long to reply to when hotmail decides 
to wipe what you wrote the first time.  ; P



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