Saotome Nodoka looked at his dejected-looking son,
and his shamefaced father

his son

there were something seriously wrong here

were?

"Dearest, I've failed in my promise," Genma began,
his voice clearly conveying that tears were not far
away. Either Genma had gotten much better at faking,
or there were something seriously wrong here. 
"I've failed to keep my boy safe from harm," Genma
wailed, causing Nodoka's heart to freeze in her
chest, "...and now he turns into a daughter!"

her chest

pop quiz hotshot, what gender is Ranma's mother? No, I don't know either

Chapter 1

A vision of cool, clear morning sky greeted Saotome
Ranma as he opened the blinds of his bedroom window.
Not that the rest of the view was anything
spectacular - second floor bedrooms in the middle of
a city aren't naturally conducive to such. But at
least the sky was nice, and Ranma decided to take a
few moments to enjoy it while it lasted. His reverie
was broken by a clattering noise from the kitchen,
followed by his mother's voice.

conducive?

"Ranma dear, it's time to wake up! You don't want to
miss your first day at school!"

'Oh yeay. School. Whoop dee do.' Ranma's nascent

nascent?

Not really waiting for an answer to his own
question, Ranma headed for the bathroom. It _was_
empty, and Ranma took his time - the mindnumbingly
cold washwater was actually pleasant when one was
prepared for it, and the sensations it created on
his, or _hers_, for the moment, skin were very nice.

this is unclear

[Last scene of segment needs work - description of
the kitchen? Ideas for darkening the tone just a
tad?]

 
the problem being that Ranma appears to be hopped up on prozac. that share and share alike bit seems very happy and well-adjusted. Additionally your Hitchhiker's tone, filled with humorous asides, seems rather different than the end of a rope. I recall my first piece was very similar, although at the price of anything else I tried to accomplish. This kind of humor is very consuming and takes a great deal of momentum to keep going.

***

Swearing softly to herself, a sodden and now-female
Ranma tightened the drawstrings at her waist and
ankles. The cause of her ire had nothing to do with
being female - ten years under the curse had rather
thoroughly desensitized her to that - but it had
everything to do with the curse. Ranma abhored
getting wet - being wet meant he changed, and
changing in public in her experience usually meant
alienation.

"'A martial artist's life is fraught with peril', he
says. Feh!". Quietly venting his displeasure with
the whole situation, and the man indirectly
responsible for getting him into it, Ranma continued
on his way...

 
This is one of the two indications of Ranma's darkness, but it seems rather forced and unnatural.  Your point is to show Ranma as a heroically struggling boy, only at moments allowing his weakness to show through, but I do not think this can be created through him being afraid of a new school and not liking his father's advice without a lot of work. I cannot give advice as I don't know what direction you want, but I will tell you that Ranma's expositions about his 'dark side' are not working and are artificial, to me.

***
'Damn it! Can't some people read the damned files,
and *trust* them? It's all *in* there!' Sighing
dejectedly, Ranma reached out for her sac.

subtle humor that I like

"I can imagine." Ranma stifled another groan, this
one having nothing to do with physical discomfort.
That line had been used way too often, and never
with sincerity. 'No, you can't.' 

technique-wise, having Ranma right after the VP's line makes it confusing to me. it's good to try to explain Ranma's emotions through his VP's expression of empathy, but I would personally try to create a conversation that seemed 'off' in a more substantial way to illustrate it. Given that you are asking for advice, it seems that you don't have a direction which will hurt your work.

"Are you a virgin?" someone shouted, followed by a
loud guffaw. 'Damn, I _knew_ there'd be a pervert in
the class.' And the questions got worse. Ranma had
been trying for several minutes to keep his cool,
and only answer the serious ones, when the same kid,
who Ranma now spotted somewhere in the back,
obviously not satisfied with the hue of red Ranma
currently sported on his face asked what it felt
like to masturbate as a girl - which was what
triggered Ranma's first manifestation of a battle
aura.

[Help me out with the above, please]

alright, think what you want to accomplish with this scene and enact it. I don't think that even the best writers can stumble randomly and get anywhere.

The silence was deafening. 

this has been said many times and might irritate some

A couple of minutes later, the teacher finally had
control of her class back. She hid a grin as she
looked at the sleeping hero next to Akane and
decided against disturbing him. He deserved a rest
after dealing with that lot - she knew they weren't
the most tactful of people, but some of those
questions would have had any woman, part time or
not, crying out for blood. Even the Tendo girl -
Tendo _Akane_, the pervert basher! - had a strange
expression on her face when she looked at the
newcomer. Yes, let him rest.

 
this is interesting, and I am interested to see where you go with this. Does Ranma have narcolepsy? Tune in next week...additionally, if Ranma is in fact at the end of his rope, why does his entire class adore his actions. he seems rather self-actualized, with the exception of his sleeping in class.

[Tell me this isn't hideously overdone? Again,
suggestions for names are appreciated, since I'm
really, really bad at them. The worst case scenario
being everyone's called 'hey you' or I start
stealing from other anime...]

 
find a list of Japanese baby names, or failing that, get some authors, politicians, and economists. Those will probably serve you well.

I need some help with "girly" reactions - I know
very well how guys react to a pretty girl, but I
have no experience with girl talk - please?

figure out what you want them to say and hope people accept it.

--
100% dvorak


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