Trying to get back in the C&C game...

Unofficial C&C Disclaimer of Doom, Death, Destruction, Despair, and other
D-words: This entire e-mail (save, of course, for quoted portions of the
story) is merely my own personal opinion and is not guaranteed to be
useful, entertaining, or gramatically correct.  Nevertheless, it is my
hope that it will prove to be some of the above, but the recipient of
this C&C is free to (not) use it as he sees fit.

On Wed, 2 Oct 2002 16:13:34 -0400 "Sam Vilsmeier" <syp104@email.psu.edu>
writes:

Ranma let out a low groan as he opened his eyes to the day. Bright. 
It was
just was too damn bright. The morning sunlight was like two hot 
daggers of
solar hellfire burning into his eyes sockets.

"...eye sockets."

I like the phrase "daggers of solar hellfire".  Sounds like something out
of an Exalted game... ;)

He clamped his eyes shut, and let him mind wander. 

"...let his mind..."

Slowly, through a clouded mind, he catalogued the factors of his 
current state. 

Suggest: "Slowly, despite his clouded mind, Ranma catalogued his current
state."

He had no idea where he was or what he was doing here, but

Seems to be something missing here...

And what the hell was this pressure on his chest. 

"...chest?"

Suddenly,
the pressure shifted. Ranma's mind went into overdrive as the 
pressure moved
shifted its self.

Suggest: "Suddenly, the pressure shifted, and Ranma's mind went into
overdrive."

Slowly, his eyes creaked open, he fought the pain for a moment, and 
when his
vision cleared, he didn't like what he saw.

Suggest: "Slowly, his eyes creaked open.  After fighting the pain for a
moment, his vision cleared, but Ranma didn't like what he saw."

The on his on his chest was a small, cute, black haired girl 
in her
mid teens, fourteen... fifteen at best. 

"The one on his chest was..."

The girl on his left was a 
beautiful
and had aquamarine hair. 

"...was a beautiful woman with aquamarine hair..."

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! He was the filling of a girl sandwich. No 
ifs,
and or buts about it: 

"...ifs, ands, or buts..." 

He had to get out of here. He had to run. He didn't know exactly how 
he was
going but he was. 

"...was going to but..."

There was a loud yawn from the girl on his chest as she reentered 
the land
of the living. She groaned slightly as she opened her eyes. After a 
moment
she looked up, and strait into Ranma's eyes.

strait should be straight

Ranma's mind froze, and he slowly nodded affirming her accusel with 
an "Ah
huh".

accusel should be accusation, I believe.

Maybe if she went to sleep he could find a way out, 
if only he could find a way out from under this cute
girl.

Suggest: "Maybe if she went to sleep he could find a way out from under
this girl."

The girl smiled, and snuggled into Ranma's chest much to his 
displeasure,
and growing discomfort. "Good night..."

Needs a comma after chest.

Ranma chucked to himself as he one again considered the situation.

chucked should maybe be chuckled?  Doesn't really seem in character if
so...

Setsuna curse loudly as she hit the ground. 

curse should be cursed.

Today her chosen 

language was
Norse, and the reason was its colorful collection of insults and 
fowl words.

fowl sohuld be foul, unless Norse has a wide selection of words for
chicken and chicken by-products... ;)

She shook her head in an attempt to clear the cobwebs, the 
last time
she had been this lightheaded was... was... 1960-something.

Split into two sentences, I think.
 

She squinted her eyes, and took a quick look at the interior. Haruka 
and
Michiru's room. Could she have had an orgy with the two lesbian 
outers?

Her hand quickly darted down to her nether regions. After a moment 
of
probing, she brought her hand up to her nose and took a sniff.

So much for that theory. There was defiantly a man present. Girls 
just didn'
t smell like that.

I see an unecessary line break in the middle of didn't, but it could just
be my mail reader...

Setsuna slowly moved to stand up, but her movement was slowed by an 
aching
pain in her lower half. Whoever she had been with was very 
energetic. Too
bad she could remember any of it.

could should be couldn't.

It was just not good 
for ones
psychological health.

ones sohuld be one's
 

Oh well, that could come later. Time to take a look at "husband 
number one".
Great, now she was sounding like those bitter old divorc�es that she 
knew
during her time in America.

She shook her head then slowly wobbled to her feet, and took a look 
on the
bed. He was inbed Michiru, Haruka, and even Hotaru?! 

"He was in bed with..."

Interesting... an amusing if not totally original premise, and
well-written.  The question, though, is where you'll go with it...

I'll keep an eye out for future parts.


           Aaron Nowack
"Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis."
http://www.geocities.com/anowack/


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