Here we go with another time-delayed C&C.... I'll note that one reason
I'm giving Allyn's stuff priority is that he contributes a large amount
of high-quality C&C himself. Those who are interested in getting more
feedback should take note.

Allyn Yonge <allynyonge0000@netscape.net> wrote:

     "What do you mean, he's gone!" Ukyou snapped,

Suggest: gone?!"

While it's usually wrong to end a sentence with more than one
punctuation mark, combining "!" and "?" is acceptable when neither
symbol by itself suggests the intonation you want.

     "He got a phone call about half an hour ago," Souun
explained, looking uncomfortable in the presence of this
intensely angry young man. "and left suddenly." Souun

man, "and
(or)
man. "And

The difference is whether you want a sentence break in the line of
dialog itself.

He got a phone call about half an hour ago, and left suddenly.
(or)
He got a phone call about half an hour ago. And left suddenly.

The first is more strictly correct, but you may want the dramatic pause
that the second provides.

     "I don't believe you," Ukyou leaned forward,

you." Ukyou

     "I've met Genma's parents," Souun corrected,
instantly. "the last time they were paroled, and they're

instantly, "the

     "Now see here," Soun defended Genma hotly,
"You've no call to say that. Genma is a fine man. An
honorable man. He's just," Soun searched for the word he
wanted, "Genma is just . . .free spirited."

     "Only if you mean he doesn't pay for his sake!"
Nabiki muttered under her breath.

     "And when I find him," Ukyou ground out, ignoring
Souun, and Nabiki,  "I'm gonna skin him and salt the
hide----"

     "That's not a friendly thing to say," Akane remarked
mildly, giving no indication that she disagreed ( in principle)

(in
(remove extraneous space)

Soun trying to put a positive spin on Genma could be funny, but at least
for me, it kinda reduces the effect to have the Tendo sisters doing what
amounts to explaining the joke. It seems to me that a good "straight
man" for this gag would be someone who had a chance of buying into it,
which certainly doesn't describe anyone currently present. And there's
no need to remind the readers that your version of Genma is scum. You've
made that point already. Trust me on this one. ^_^;;;

with the thought.

     Ukyou flinched, unconsciously flexing his mangled
fingers, but didn't back down.

     "It's _very_ convenient that he would get called
away, so soon after he arrived in Nerima." Ukyou pressed.

Nerima,"
(assuming "pressed" isn't meant literally)

UKYO: Let's have a quote. For the record. Enquiring readers want to
know.

      Kasumi freshened Ukyou's cup of tea, "I suppose if

tea. "I

you hurried you might catch . . .Uncle Genma," she was

Genma." She

moderately proud that she managed the appellation without
gagging, "at the train station. He mentioned something about

gagging. "At

Hokkaido." She blinked as Ukyou seemed to teleport out the
door.

KASUMI: Barbara Eden's got nothing on me.

EDEN: Except that I get to play my own naughty sister. Can you say that?

KASUMI: [smiles mysteriously]

EDEN: [shudders]

"Such an energetic young man," She smiled beatifically

man." She

at the room, "I'm sure it will be nice for Uncle Genma to

room. "I'm

     "This isn't the best time of year for Hokkaido,"
Nabiki offered, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. "too many

"Too

     " I don't know your father very well," Akane looked

"I

well." Akane

blandly at Ranma, "but I know how he taught you to fight."

Ranma. "But

She grinned suddenly. "if he mentioned Hokkaido, I'd expect

"If

     Ranma didn't like the direction this conversation was
taking. First Akane sensed him on the roof. Now this. If

Akane had sensed

     "Ukyou doesn't know how sneaky you are," Akane
seemed to read Ranma's mind. "he hasn't seen you do that

"He

     Nabiki went a little green. If she _ever_ found the
psychopathic deviant  who taught her innocent baby sister
about "health food", she was going to audit him with a blow-
torch.

who had taught

AKANE: It was Arthur Andersen. And he wouldn't mind that at all.

     "T . . .that's alright," Kasumi said a little unsteadily,
her stomach roiling as Akane went over her planned menu.
"you should concentrate on your marital arts. You need to

"You

     Lost in his musings Ranma slid back the doujou door,

musings, Ranma

blinking in the light that spilled out into the dusk covered

dusk-covered

     "There's no----" his eyes adapted to the light,

His

light.

"hurry," he squeaked, as he got a good look at Akane.

"--hurry,"

     *She's _naked_!* He tensed, all senses on alert.
*Dammit, it's a setup!* His mind raced as he tried to figure
out what her angle was. His attention was taken  the flex and

AKANE: Thirty-four degrees. Why?

RANMA: I was afraid of that.

roll of muscle  as Akane shifted from one leg to the other, as
she bent over some apparatus on the floor. *Nice glutes* he

glutes,* he

     ". . .but it takes me a while to warm up with this bum
knee," Akane slapped her brace lightly and Ranma realized

knee." Akane

she was actually wearing a body-suit.

body suit.

     *. . .a really thin, skin tight body-suit* Ranma relaxed

body suit.*

slightly,*heh, what was I thinkin'. She ain't smart enough to

slightly. *Heh,

     "Meeeep!," Ranma choked, surprised out of his

"Meeeep!"

complacency. * 'th hell? Ain't she heard of foreplay!*

*Th' hell?
(presumably "th" is a contracted form of "the"; the apostrophe goes
where something's been left out.)

foreplay?!

     "T . . .take off my . . ." *geeze, kiss a guy first, will

*Geez,

     "I can't get decent pictures, otherwise," she waved a

otherwise." She

     "Yeah," Akane started undoing the ties on his shirt,

"Yeah." Akane

     "I am _not_ a Borg," Akane grumbled as she tugged
at Ranma's belt."

                 ^
Take out extraneous quote mark.

     "I dunno," Nabiki commented, "obsessive, single-
minded," she bounced a tiny origami-bird off Akane's knee-

minded." She

brace, "cybernetic-enhancements . . ."

brace. "Cybernetic enhancements . . . ."

     "You need those to give the laser a good target."

target,"

     "Kasumi borrowed this stuff from the university,"
Nabiki added, tapping commands into a computer. "to help

computer, "to
(or)
computer. "To

     "The lasers," Akane pointed at  orange boxes placed
at intervals around the room, "reflect off the targets," she
tapped a silver disc glued to her elbow, "and the computer
maps my movements and then ties it to the digital pictures."
she waved a hand at several cameras, "I can put all of my
moves into the computer and analyze what I'm doing
wrong," she tugged at Ranma's pants, which were firmly
clenched in his hands. "or right. I want to put you into the
computer----" she glared at him in exasperation, "would you
take off your pants, please?"

I won't suggest a specific fix here, as I'm not sure how you'll want to
handle it. Either don't break the dialog in the middle of a sentence and
punctuate the action insertions as complete sentences, or use a "said"
or other verb that explicitly attributes the dialog. or at the very
least use dashes or ellipses where the dialog is interrupted and
where it recommences.

     "Way ahead of you little-sister," Nabiki reached into

you, little sister." Nabiki

"Little sister" is an address -- Nabsy is using it to identify who she
is speaking to -- and as such it must be set off by a comma. As written
she's saying that she's way ahead of "you little-sister," whatever that
would mean. Note also that since the verb "reached" is not telling us
that the line of dialog "Way ahead of...." was spoken, but rather
describing a separate action, and so the line of dialog ends with a
period.

a bag sitting beside the computer and came out with a scrap
of blue spandex. "here ya go, beautiful."

"Here

     "That's a _very_ expensive Speedo Predator, treat it

Predator. Treat

(This kind of comma splice is acceptable in informal speech, but I think
the pause supplied by the more correct punctuation works better as far
as giving the order the emphasis it deserves.)

with respect." Nabiki commanded.

respect," Nabiki

(Here "commanded" *is* a direct reference to the dialog. What did she
command? She commanded "Treat it with respect." So you don't end in a
period.)

     "Just close your eyes." Nabiki suggested.

eyes, Nabiki

     "Oh, OK," Ranma nodded and actually started to pull

"Oh, OK."

     "Just hurry it up," Nabiki ordered, discretely

discreetly

("Discrete" refers to a collection of things that can be counted, as
opposed to "continuous" which can't; the two endpoints of a line segment
would be a discrete set, for example, whereas all the points between
them would be a continuous one.)

     "Interesting scars," Nabiki had come up behind him

scars." Nabiki

     "No!" He answered shortly, a cold shudder running

"No!" he

     "Geeez," Nabiki backed away, a little miffed. "I'm

"Geeez." Nabiki

just curious. You're almost family," Akane rolled her eyes as

family." Akane

Nabiki smiled cutely at Ranma, "so I'd like to know _all_

Ranma. "So

     Nabiki finally understand just what "form fitting"

"form-fitting"

meant as Ranma dragged  trousers on over his Speedo's. He

Speedos.

(Only use 's for contractions ("This Speedo's got a logo on it.") or
possessives ("This logo is Speedo's trademark.") Don't use the
apostrophe when you just want to make a plural.)

     "None of your business," Ranma had, had enough

business." Ranma had had

     "He has every right to keep his training secrets,
daughter." Souun corrected from where'd he'd been sitting

daughter," Souun

     "Ummm . . .yes, of course," Souun backpedaled
hastily, "If you were to be married . . .if the schools were

hastily. "If
(or)
hastily, "if
(either break the sentence here, or don't)

     Akane bit her lip, emotions warring between
revulsion at the thought of a forced marriage and nearly
unbearable curiosity about Ranma's secret training.
Revulsion at being forced to do anything, won, finally.

anything won,

     Kasumi put a calming hand on his shoulder."It's
getting late father," she remarked calmly, "I think we'll all

late, Father," she

calmly. "I

Chapter: 9
Zou wei shang
(run away)

NEIL INNES: Brave Sir Ranma ran away... he bravely ran away, away...

RANMA: I didn't! I never! Ooh, liar!

     Ranma lunged out of bed, clawing at the air with
frantic savage movements, groaning and panting as if fighting
for his life. He was halfway out of the window before he
came all the way awake. Heart thundering in his ears he
looked down at the ground below and slowly backed back
into the room. Unclenching his hand from the lintel he

Suggest: slowly backed into the room.

(If he's backing, we already know that the direction is backwards. :P)

grimaced as chunks of mashed bread-and-butter from dinner

mashed bread and butter
(BTW, if we're to infer that he vomited this stuff up, then "mashed"
might be a little weak of an adjective.)

     Pulling on his shorts he opened the door and padded
softly down stairs to the bath-room. It always took him a few

bathroom.

days to get used to sleeping without Genma around. He
missed the old-fart, even if he did sound like a rusty gear-box

old fart,

     Slipping into the bath-room, after making sure the
"Taking a Bath" sign was hung (and dropping a stick into the
runner, just in case) Ranma pulled off his shorts and turned
the cold water on himself with a sigh, half of pleasure, as the
cold water sluiced away the sticky night-sweat that came

>from his sudden fright and half of almost-pain, as "the

change" twisted and shivered his bones and flesh.  He spent
another minute shuddering under the cold spray, then made a
dash for the furo for a quick soak.

You misspelled "bathtub".

     If he couldn't sleep, he'd work out a while, before
the rest of the house woke up.  Drying quickly he pulled on
his boxers and padded  softly through the family room,
wondering what it would be like to wake up to the same four
walls every day. Eat at the same table, off the same
plates - - he even had his own cup - - Kasumi had given it to

Suggest: his own cup; Kasumi had

(The double em-dash suggests that the bit in the middle is a
parenthetical insert, and hence I'd expect that the train of thought
that was in progress before the first dash will continue after the
second.)

     Moving to the rear of the doujou , where cover from

                                       ^
Take out extra space before the comma.

     Akane! She'd changed from the full body unitard to
what looked like a blue one-piece that left her arms and legs
bare. As he watched, she threw herself onto her hands,
sweeping her legs around to smash into a post, padded with
rice-straw. The doujou shuddered slightly from the impact,
but the post remained upright. The stupid girl had the thing
rooted in the foundations! She was never going to----then he
noticed the thick yellow callous that covered her shins and

calluses

("Callous" means unfeeling and insensitive, as a person, attitude, etc.
A skin abrasion is a callus, and, considering the area you describe, I'd
expect you're talking about more than one of them.)

     *Damn. Thai-Boxing* She wasn't learning to sweep

Thai Boxing.*

the legs . . . she was going to use the maneuver to smash
them to splinters.

RANMA: Though why she'd *want* to smash her own legs to splinters is
beyond me....

     A harsh buzz and a flashing red screen from the
computer indicated her move didn't match the ideal form
Ranma had inputted earlier. Ranma grimaced-----he didn't

had input

     He didn't need to look at the screen to tell how long
Akane had been practicing either (though he could read
upside-down and reversed in six languages----a requirement
for the "Dead Son Speaks from the Grave" Con"), the

"Dead Son Speaks from the Grave Con"
(or)
"Dead Son Speaks from the Grave" con
(Did they have eight years or so advance preparation time? Reading at
weird angles is no big feat, but learning five languages at the drop of
a hat is a bit much to believe, especially when you're spending most of
your effort training in more physical pursuits.)

     Trotting along the fence-top, on his way to school a

fence top,

few hours later, Ranma reviewed his plans for the day. He
didn't like leavin' Pop on his own, especially with that
Ukyou chasin' him. The whole point to this scam was to stay

I'd refrain from using sloppy diction (like dropped "g"s) when it's not
actual spoken speech.

quiet in one place.

GENMA: Exactly. When we've perfected it, we'll market it as a cure for
ADHD.

(well, that and the money) A moving

(Well, that and the money.)

     "You bastard," Ukyou spat on the ground, "did you

"You bastard." Ukyou spat on the ground. "Did you
(She's literally spitting, not spitting out the words. Evidently you
didn't study your wife's new English supplement. ^_^;;)

think you could fool me!" He slid forward,  shovel bladed

shovel-bladed

     "Uhhhh . . .do I know you?" *Never admit
_anything_*, Rule six of The Road.

UKYO: Ranma! It's you!

RANMA: No! It's not!

UKYO: Don't try to deny it! I tracked you to Furinkan High school, and
this is Furinkan!

RANMA: No it isn't!

UKYO: And the sky is blue!

RANMA: No way!

     "You thought I would be fooled that easily?" Cold
hard eyes fixed Ranma with unnerving intensity as Ukyou

Cold, hard

     "You know me," Ukyou grated, "just like I know
you. And Genma," his mouth worked as if he wanted to spit.

Genma." His

"You almost fooled me," Ukyou made a sudden lunge and

me." Ukyou

     " . . .when I realized how _convenient_ it was that
Genma would leave me a clue. I figured Hokkaido wasn't
going anyplace," Ukyou's steel blade hummed as it cut

anyplace." Ukyou's

through the air and blasted a chunk out of the sidewalk,
missing Ranma's head by a fraction. "----and doubled back
to the Tendou's. I waited outside all night," the heavy blade

Tendous'.
(there's more than one Tendou)

night." The

followed Ranma as he rolled frantically, the blade chewing
up the concrete behind him like some manic mutant
woodpecker. "----until you came out this morning, with your
little school-bag on your back."

school bag

     The sudden change in direction, faster than should
have been possible for a weapon of that size, caught Ranma
off guard. Fire shot up Ranma's arm as the steel bit into his
flesh and training over-road his conscious mind.

overrode

     Unarmed against a blade . . .*fast, dirty and low to
the ground* he heard Genma's voice.

ground,* he

  *Stay inside him, boy.

*ahem* No comment. Way too easy.

     He was sure now that he could take Ukyou. He was
faster and he knew how Ukyou fought and the limitations of
his weapon. It was possible the other boy could fool him, but
not likely. If Ranma ever fought with someone, he knew
them within the first half minute.  Knew what they would do

knew him within
("Someone" is *one* arbitrary person.)

     The tiny white-phosphorus trigger ignited the fuel-air
mixture of highly combustible, finely ground powder with a
detonation that would have surprised anyone who had never
seen a grain-silo explode.  Heat flashed over Ranma as he hit

grain silo

     Damn! There wasn't any profit in beating Ukyou,
only a loss if the other boy got lucky. Ranma looked around
for inspiration. He'd try going high, a lot of people who

high; a

     "Hello Ukyou. How's everything going Ranko?"

"Hello, Ukyou. How's everything going, Ranko?"

     "U . . .Ukyou is being mean to me," Ranko sniffed,
proud of her thespian efforts.  "I've told him and _told_ him
that I don't know where-----"

RANMA: And another *sniff* thing... the ice cream store was *sniff*
completely OUT of *sniffle* my favorite flavor! Oh, BOO HOO for PITIFUL
ME!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

UKYO: Ew. [brushes off shirt]

NABIKI: Well, she *is* Genma's--

AKANE: Stop right there.

     "I don't believe you," Ukyou snapped, turning to
Nabiki. "but I'll get back to _you_ later." He took a heavy

Nabiki, "but

Nabiki. "But

     "Or what? Your sister will beat me up?" Ukyou
sneered. "She took me by surprise last time, but there's no
way a one-legged cripple can keep up with me."

Allyn, no offense, but you really need to do a stint at the School of
Writing Sympathetic Villains (SoWSV, which is definitely not next door
to the School of Fine Acronyms). They don't have to be nice people.
But neither do they have to continually go out of their way to show what
utter scum they are.

In Ukyo's case, okay, she's on a crusade against Genma and Ranma. But
that doesn't mean she needs to be hostile toward Akane, who might be
merely misguided in her eyes. There are, in fact, good reasons for her
to take the high road on this. Maybe she wants to convince the sisters
of the righteousness of her cause and hence onto her side, or maybe she
just wants the satisfaction of showing that she's a better person than
the Saotomes.

Why do I harp on this? Well, everyone needs a hobby. But sympathetic
antagonists are just generally more interesting to read about, IMO. For
one thing, they're capable of surprising us convincingly; about the only
way the total-scum villains can do this is to go lower than we'd thought
was imaginable, which quickly ceases to be very surprising. For another
thing, they're not so easy to deal with, especially from an emotional
perspective. You can't just stomp them into the ground without
compunction. Remember how much trouble Kasumi caused our heroes when she
was possessed in vol. 29? If the oni in that story had grabbed Happosai,
it would've probably been over about a page and several poundings later.

     Nabiki tilted her head right, and Ukyou looked that
way to see a chubby girl with a video camera waving at her,

her.

Nabiki made a tiny motion to her left and Ukyou turned to
see a very tall, cheerful looking girl standing beside a tree,

cheerful-looking

     "You can hit me," Nabiki seemed unmoved by the

me." Nabiki

prospect. "You're bigger and stronger than I am----I can't
stop you." She pulled gently at Ukyou's grip which loosened
slightly. "But five seconds after the first blow, a live feed will
go onto the Internet. Ten minutes later, and the police will
have a copy," Ukyou's grip slackened and Nabiki backed

copy."

away, smoothing wrinkles out of her blouse. "In an hour it
will be on local TV, by tomorrow it will be national . . .with
a full page spread in all the papers." She looked blandly at
Ukyou, whose face was twisted with rage.

I certainly hope the last few items, at least, are a bluff. Unless
there's some particular reason why this sort of local hooliganism would
merit national news coverage.

     "This isn't over," Ukyou snarled, turning to stalk
away. He shot a venomous look at Ranko, "I'll get you. I'll
get all you Saotomes."

UKYO: And your little dog too! Nya ha ha ha!

RANMA: But wouldn't that be--

UKYO: Shut UP!!

     "N . . .no, I really don't k . . .know anything." Onna-

anything,"

Ranma said, quite honestly, for once. Nabiki reminded him of
a cobra Ranma found coiled in his bed-roll one night in
Karachi. It had struck, not out of anger, but because that was
it's nature.

its

     "If you think of anything, you'll let me know" Nabiki

know." Nabiki

patted Ranko on the head, "won't you?"

head. "Won't

     "I'm home!" Nabiki called, toeing off her shoes. She
waited for Ranko to follow suite, then pulled the redhead

"follow suit" is the usual expression.

     "She was up _all_ night working out in the doujou!"
Her older sister disagreed. "Then she _ran_ to school this

her
(Assuming "disagreed" is there to attribute the line; otherwise it's
kinda belaboring the obvious, so you might just want to remove it.)

     "Leave it there," Nabiki slapped Akane's hand as she

there."

reached for the offending instrument, "or I'll stick it

instrument. "Or

     "I'm about ready here, if you want to help." Kasumi

help," Kasumi

     "Uhhhh . . .what's going on?" Ranko asked, sidling
into the room. Peering around the two elder Tendou sisters
she got a good look at Akane, seated with her leg stretched
across a couple of stools. She grimaced at the sight of
Akane's distorted, lumpy knee, swollen to twice it's normal

its

     "Yep," Akane said sourly, reaching out to gently
remove Ranko's grip. "and they're about to give me the

grip. "And

     Nabiki groaned. "Puns are a sign of a low and
corrupt mind."

HEY! I resemble that remark! :-P

     Akane stuck her tongue out, face tightening slightly
as the first stinger went home.    "Supposedly bee venom is
good for reducing swelling and inflammation," Akane
explained at Ranko's confused look. "but I think they're just

look, "but
(or)
look. "But

     "It's that awful Ranma's fault," Kasumi said with, for
her, a great deal of heat. Ranko blinked in astonishment.
*awful?* What had _Ranma_ done?

*Awful?*

     "He showed you that dreadful trick," Kasumi
continued. "and now you're crip----in pain," she corrected

continued, "and
(or)
continued. "And

     "Why don't you stick to swimming," Nabiki asked,
"just for a little while," she added hastily as Akane's face
darkened. "until your knee gets better."

darkened, "until
(or)
darkened. "Until

     "I've always admired people who can work through
pain," Ranko said offhandedly. She placed her hands on
either side of Akane's leg to stabilize it as Kasumi smiled her
thanks and applied a fresh bee.  "I cry if I get a paper cut,"
Ranko cheerfully lied. "and I've always been afraid of

lied, "and
(or)
lied. "And

crippling myself," she pretended not to notice how Kasumi

myself." She

and Nabiki stiffened at her use of the "C" word. She gave
Akane a lopsided grin, "I always figured pain was natures

grin.

nature's

     "I don't like people trying to use reverse psychology
on me," Akane said, nostrils flaring. "Dad and Nabiki and
Kasumi are always trying that stuff."

SOUN: Nonsense. Not true at all. .samuart doohdlihc ruoy tuoba em llet
woN

     "Nope," Ranko brushed dead and dying bees into the

"Nope." Ranko

     *Oh shit!* Nabiki felt the blood drain from her body.
*anaphylactic shock!* "Where's the kit?" She lunged for the

*Anaphylactic
(Capitalize beginning of a sentence)

     "Y . . .you s . . .see what I have to put up with,"
Akane gasped, "if I sneeze, they want me under observation

gasped. "If

(If you wrote just the dialog alone:

...see what I have to put up with. If I sneeze, they....

you would still need a sentence break there.)

     She was laughing? Nabiki sank into a chair. She was
laughing.

They have chairs?

     "I'm not a baby," Akane said crossly, "and I'm _not_
sick, now." Her look dared anyone to disagree with her.

sick now."

     "He didn't go to Hokkaido" Nabiki started to

 Hokkaido," Nabiki

     "I'm going to have a little talk with Ukyou," Akane's
lips thinned and a little frown wrinkle formed between her
eyes as,  as Nabiki finished her story. "I don't think he's
being very friendly." She braced her arms on the chair and
started to get up.

NABBY: Gee, what was your first clue?

AKANE: His flat-out refusal to join me in a rousing rendition of the
Barney song.

     "And what about when you don't have a minion with
a camera handy?" Akane demanded.

     "Minion? Who do you think I am---- Dark Joker?"

RANMA: What, is there a light Joker?

AKANE: Well, if you look at his facial color....

      "I am _not_ Nurse Angel," Kasumi sniffed. "I've
always considered myself  Fancy La La." She glanced slyly at
Akane, "and you're the  Tonde Buurin type."

Akane. "And

     "Oink," Akane stuck her tongue out at her sister.

"Oink." Akane

"Don't think I've forgotten about Ukyou," she glared at

Ukyou." She

     "Kasumi!" Nabiki wailed and Akane gave her a
'now-you-see-what-I-have-to-put-up-with' look.  "I can take
care of myself. Besides, he's only got a post office box listed
for his address. And _no_ telephone." Nabiki ended

telephone," Nabiki

     "Hmmmm . . ." Akane mused, "You've got a point,
Nee-sama," Nabiki looked betrayed. "I think we should also

Period after "Sister" rather than the comma.

     "Samurai-Kamen,"Nabiki corrected, a look of unholy

"Samurai-Kamen," Nabiki

     "You wouldn't," Kasumi looked horrified. "I'll never
get rid of her . . ." She turned a pleading look on Nabiki.
"she thought my anatomy professor was a necromancer

"She

trying to steal my soul----"Kaumi's voice became a wail,"
she rode a horse onto campus and pinned his Volvo to the

soul----" Kasumi's voice became a wail. "She

     "At least he wasn't in the car," Nabiki said in mock
sympathy. Kasumi speared her with a look. "was he?" the

"Was

(You do have a "said"-type verb, but there was a sentence break since
then; "Kasumi speared her with a look" is not there to directly tell you
who said the dialog, so the dialog needs to be a separate sentence.)

middle Tendou ended weakly.

You probably don't need this extra attribution here, since we already
knew that Nabsy was the one speaking in this paragraph.

     "He's still on sabbatical . . .for his nerves." Kasumi
turned pleading look on Akane and Nabiki. "You wouldn't

turned a pleading

     "Just promise to have Kodachi take you to campus
every day," Kasumi looked as if she'd rather eat tacks, "so

day." Kasumi

tacks. "So

we'll know _you_ are safe," Akane continued remorselessly,
"and we won't have to mention . . .Villains or evil magicians

villains
(doesn't start a sentence, and is a general class of people rather than
the name of (a) specific person(s))

or Quests."

quests."

     "It's not just _your_ battle," Kasumi said with
unconscious cruelty. "Nabiki was threatened," she looked

threatened." She

over Akane's shoulder. "and Ranko-chan, and Ranma. And

"And

     *Crap* Onna-Ranma hid her amazement, looking

*Crap.*

     "Why don't I call your father to come pick you up,"

up."

he was so stunned by their  blindness that he missed

He

     "What . . .oh," Ranko laughed a little nervously. "Oh,

oh."

     "It's no trouble," Kasumi went to the phone and

trouble."

     "No, no," Ranko insisted. "I'll just head on home
now."

Isn't he staying with the Tendos, and therefore home NOW? I don't get
it.

     "Don't be silly," Kasumi fixed her with a motherly

silly."

eye. "You can't go out by yourself with that awful Ukyou-
kun out there. Now, tell me your number and I'll have your
father come get you."

RANMA: I can give you the number where I'm staying, but I expect you'll
only get a busy signal.

NABIKI: Is it a local call?

RANMA: Oh, yes. Very.

(Okay, I see, they don't know about the curse. That explains it.)

     "She's dead," Ranko blurted, then coloured in

RANMA: ...Jim.

embarrassment. "It happened a really long time ago," she
said quickly, trying to cover Kasumi's shock. "I don't really
remember her." *Only pop's stories* Onna-Ranma thought,

Pop's stories,*

     "But they would be hurt," Kasumi replied, "if they
returned to find we'd given their room away." Although she
wouldn't mind too much if 'Uncle' Genma never came back.
She couldn't understand what her father saw in the man. She
got a funny feeling around him . . .like an itch she couldn't
quite scratch.

KASUMI: I can't be sure why, but some mysterious intuition tells me that
this alternate universe Genma is actually a less-than-ideal person.

NABIKI: Really?

KASUMI: Yes. Oh well, I'll file it with my "Pope revealed to be
Catholic" premonition.

     "C'mon," Akane grabbed her cane from where it was

"C'mon."

leaning against the wall, "I'll show you the bath-room  and

wall.

bathroom

everything . . . you can wear one of my uniforms in the
morning," she looked Ranko up and down. "I'm taller . . .but

morning."

you're better built," she grinned at Ranko's blush. "so it

built." She

"So

     "I'll set an extra place at dinner," Kasumi sighed,
knowing that trying to pry the motherless Ranko out of
Akane's hands would be like trying to rob a mother cat with
one kitten. "Nabiki," the middle Tendou looked at her elder

"Nabiki." The

sister, "will you look for the folding bed? And I'll tell Father

sister. "Will

("looked" is not there to tell you that she said the line of dialog;
it's describing a separate action.)

Overall comments: I think the "Ranko" bits worked well, in terms of
showing that this Ranma *does* have some ability and willingness to con
people.

What worked less well for me was the treatment of the Tendo sisters. Not
that I find anything wrong with their characterizations; all of them
seem pretty well-developed and consistent. My problem is that most of
the time they seem to get the better of everyone. There's a few isolated
instances in which they don't -- Soun getting his way on the engagement,
"Ranko" fooling them -- but in this installment alone you've got the
"take off your pants" scene, Kasumi leading Ukyo away, Nabsy later
essentially brow-beating her into submission, and maybe others I'm
forgetting. The ease with which they tend to take control of situations
makes it hard to believe that Ranma could get away with anything
detrimental to them.

Anyhow, looking forward to continuing this when time and energy allow.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html
Writing from work; please reply to gary@garykleppe.org

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