Raye Johnsen wrote:
Watching a Shooting Star
by Raye Johnsen
raye_j@yahoo.com
*****
"Full Moon wo Sagashite" (Searching for the Full
Moon) is copyright the Original Author and associated
parties, none of which are myself.
The original story would have been created by Arina Tanemura -- the
author of the manga.
Author's Note: This fic is written as a combination
celebration/anniversary fic. On my birthday this
year, which is in the first week of October, I will
celebrate my fifth anniversary as a fanfic author. I
trust that, in the past five years, I have improved as
a writer! However, I get a strong feeling that I'm
almost completely unnoticed. I don't get C&C, hardly
anyone has linked to my webpage, and I'm not on
anyone's list of recommended authors. I can only
conclude that this is because I'm not that good a
writer. So I beg you - PLEASE C&C THIS FIC! I can
only improve with your help!
No problem, always willing to try and help.
My only word of advice is a reminder of our fabled golden rule. The best
way to GET C&C is to GIVE C&C. ;)
I was charmed when she chose 'Full Moon' for her
stage name, like everyone else, but now, watching her,
I'm not sure that she chose the right one. Perhaps
'Shooting Star' would have been more appropriate.
Watching her, I am struck by a sense of impermanence.
/Remember,/ some little voice is whispering in my
soul. /Never forget this moment, for it will never
come again..../
The first paragraph is not as powerful as this one, in my opinion. Very
neat, and I wouldn't suggest changing it.
That must be why my heart is wrapping this song
around itself, a song of love lost yet faithful,
hopeful yet honest. She called it 'Myself', yet it
reaches into the heart of everyone who has ever said
"Goodbye" to a lover. A part of me can't believe she
wrote it herself - she's far too innocent. And then I
look into her eyes, and I can believe it all too
easily.
Ah, so he's in denial.... Well, it's not like the situation was spelled
out for him, so it'd make sense to ignore those feelings.
I suspect she has had a serious illness - that might
account for it. She has the kind of wisdom those who
have been close to death display, and the innocent
enjoyment in living that children and those who've
learnt to treasure Life show. And her guardian is a
doctor - how else would a child and a busy, unrelated
professional adult get to know each other?
Life -- intentionally capitalized? Not sure it's needed.
Mr. Takasu looks at me as the song closes, and
congratulates me as I congratulate him. Looking into
his eyes, I see no sign of this forboding that grips
me. I must be wrong. But still, I can't shake of
this feeling, of watching a shooting star fall across
the sky - delicate, desperate, beautiful... and gone
long before its time.
Hmmm.
Finish: 10:37 pm, 30/9/02
Alrighty, then.
That was pretty good for a one hour attempt. Actually, that was damned good.
It's a character piece, and I'll admit that it involves a character I
haven't seen in the series yet (something happens EVERY time I sit down
to watch this anime to distracts me from it ><) but I think you've
captured something in this work, and done it quite well.
I can't offer many comments on the story itself, unfortunately, because I
can't think of many places where it can be improved.
So... good work! I'm certainly looking forward to whatever you choose to
write next.
=====
raye_j@yahoo.com
http://www.thejohnsens.com/index.html
"In the end, you're always by yourself.
That's the point."
- Whistler, 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'