--- Brian Randall <brian@azurite.org> wrote:
Brian Welch wrote:
Comments may be ignored as you see fit, of course.
After you didn't respond to this C&C, I figured you'd sent it to the
bit bucket. Maybe that would have been a good idea! ^_^
This is a nicely written fic, but Tsuruko and to a lesser extent
Motoko are giving me fits with it.
I can understand that.
"Such a pity," Tsuruko sighed. "But, he speaks the truth.
Now,
Motoko-chan, have you summoned me here simply because you were
frightened of Ranma?"
I realize that you've said you're taking Tsuruko OOC in this fic,
but she's a very happily married woman.
Er.... When did I say I was taking her OOC?
No, this Tsuroko is based on the girl from episode five of
Goldenboy.
Which is... well, OOC for the original Tsuroko, but not thos one.
Which is more or less what I remember from C&C on the previous
chapter.
Also, I can't imagine Motoko summoning her sister to the
Hinata-sou.
For one thing, Motoko at this point in the storyline adamantly
refuses to accept help from anyone. For another thing, she freaks
when her sister comes to visit. She ran away from the dojo to the
Hinata-sou to get away from her sister.
Hmm.
Actually, I got this idea from another fanfic, but it was by an
author I
respect enough that I actually got it confused with canon.
Well, that leaves me in an awkward position.
I can either rewrite the entire thing from the beginning.
Or I can try and work it out.
This is going to take some consideration.
Well, considering that fact that although this is giving ME fits, it
doesn't seem to be giving anyone ELSE fits, I'm not so sure a rewrite
is called for at all. It's probably just as well to continue on. This
isn't a bad fic, despite my rather overblown C&C.
The woman's demeanor shifted instantly from the calm, playful
grin
with
eagerly watchful eyes, to a much more purposeful grin, with wiser
eyes.
"I do, Ranma," she said regretfully. "Has he returned to taint
your
life once more?"
Ah, so there is a glimmer of the real Tsuruko in her, after all.
As much character as she can have, given how little we see of
her in the manga.
There's a little more of her in Volume 13, but she's essentially the
same. Even in V13 she's gracious and supportive to everyone but
Motoko. She ultimately has Motoko's best interests at heart, but
her methods are draconian.
This is the kind of thing which could drive
Motoko from the Hinata-sou, just as she left after losing a fight
to Keitarou the first time.
I was always under the impression that she left because her
sister got married.
When Tsuruko got married, she told Motoko that Motoko would now have
to devote herself to running the dojo. Motoko wasn't ready to give up
her dreams, which involved more than running a dojo for the rest of
her life. Motoko's trouble with men and turtles (why?) stems from
seeing Tsuruko and her husband-to-be kissing, but the marriage itself
didn't drive her away from Kyoto. It merely precipitated the events
which did.
"I... don't understand," Motoko mumbled, face flushing with
shame, and bowing her head.
Shame? I would expect her to react in fear (of her sister) and
anger.
Motoko left home in the first place because she didn't want to
become
what her sister wanted her to become. This kind of humiliation
would
just strengthen her resolve to either leave the Shinmei-ryu all
together, or accept them only on her own terms. I'd expect her to
feel her sister was acting dishonorably, and to be suffering a
bad
case of disillusionment and resentment.
What?
So.... Motoko left because she doesn't want to be what her
sister wants her to be... and then spends all her time training.
Oy, that "didn't want to become what her sister wanted her to become"
was a bit high on melodrama and low on useful information. ^_^;
Motoko didn't want to give up the Shinmei-Ryu, only see a bit of life
before she became chained to the dojo. Also, she probably wanted to
prove herself to her sister. Either reason would be enough for her to
continue training.
"I'm sure I will enjoy my stay," she deferred, a smile
playing about her
lips. "Motoko-chan is embarrassed, but I was wondering if you
could show
us to the hotsprings that she has written to me about so often."
Motoko writes to her sister? Since when? She'd be ecstatic if her
sister forgot she existed.
Eh....
Well, I wasn't being completely accurate. Motoko has written at least
one letter to her sister. In V13 Tsuruko recalls receiving the
following letter from Motoko: "Forgive me, I just can't meet
everyone's expectations. Please stop looking for me!"
Then, there's Tsuruko's (biased?) recollection of events (again, from
V13):
"Three years ago I got married. I trusted Motoko to continue to
practice the Shinmei-Ryu." Tsuruko then recalls Motoko telling her
"Sis, I can't do this! I have a weak soul! I can't concentrate like
you can!" Motoko then runs away.
"Motoko, whose capability was easily greater than myself,
disappeared. With her deep resentment of her past and terrible
jealousy of me... the pressures forced her to come to the Hinata-
sou."
---
Motoko, of course, remembers only wanting to get out from under her
sister's thumb, and never wanting to give up the Shinmei-Ryu. The
jealousy part, though, might have merit.
Don't give up on this just because I have a problem with it. From the
C&C I've read other than mine, it's a popular fic. I certainly don't
see anyone else spewing fire and brimstone at it. ^_-
Besides, I agree that Ranma is the kind of guy who would appeal to
Motoko (if you're thinking of taking the fic that way). He's stern
and dedicated, traits that Motoko has found irresistible in Keitarou
on the rare occasions when he has shown them.
Brian Welch
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