Hi Allyn,

I'm sorry for the lateness of my reply.  I've been having some PC trouble
lately, and it finally seems to have stabilised.

I'm sorry to hear you're having
problems. I hope things have
worked themselves out.

Thank you.  :)

No, that was not entirely true.  The sounds of speech were gone, but

Akane

could still hear something, a vague whisper, the ghost of a voice, the
warmth of breath upon her ear, almost

@@Not _quite_ purple prose, but certainly shading toward lavender.
Tone it down just a smidgen.
@@@@

I'll revise this area a little.  I guess I got carried away there.  :)

@@Basically the dialogue is good, but needs more narrative
to help build a word picture. At most, you might trim the
story a bit, just to make it faster paced.
@@@@

This chapter is supposed to be a little slower than 7, although perhaps I
have taken that a little too far.  It's supposed to be somewhat
contemplative, thoughtful, from Akane's perspective.  In some ways, the
fighting and so on that happens toward the end is a little out of place.

@@you might add a short bit about Ukyou to remind the reader
of why she holds such animosity toward Ranma.
@@@@

Remind?  The reader hasn't yet been told why Ukyo holds a grudge against
Ranma.  That will come later, when Ukyo's story begins (this will probably
occur in Chapter 9.. I'm still debating whether to branch off and tell a
little of Ukyo's tale - and it is a very important tale in the overall
scheme of things - or to continue with Ranma and Akane for a while.  I'm
leaning toward the former, but we shall have to see what happens).

<SNIP>

@@I thought the ending was very good.
Again, you _could_ trim it a tad, to make it faster paced.
Good overall, if a bit uneven. Some parts VERY good,
others suffered from a surfeit of adjectives or
insufficient narrative to balance the dialogue.

Hmm.  I'll try to address this.

I suggest editing, cut the chapter by about 10-15%.
That would probably take care of pacing and
dialogue/narrative imbalance

However this is a VERY subjective feeling on my part.

You might just be on to something.  I know this chapter was longer than any
other.  I'll try to shorten it a little here and there.

Good story, well thought out with
well developed plot and interesting characterization.
(Just add a reminder about Ukyou to bring
readers up to speed.)

I'm probably going to start Ukyo's story soon, as well as Genma's and
Ryoga's.  I'm trying to be careful to only lay down one thread at a time, so
they don't all knot together before they are supposed to.  I have an overall
idea of how they tie together but the finer details are the problem, and I'm
having to be very careful that I don't add some minor detail that will
contradict the major story lines later on in the story.  It's more thinking
than I'm used to.  :)

I'm going to have to request a little trust on the part of the reader,
because things will happen in this story that are sometimes slightly out of
order, with an event coming before its explanation.  Because so much of the
story occurs before Akane is even born, to some extent it's unavoidable.
The main thrust of the story is Ranma and Akane, so I want to concentrate on
that, whilst establishing the other characters and the roles they play in
the storyline at the same time.  Hopefully it won't all be too confusing;
I'll try to keep things as clear as I can.

Thank you for your comments - I'll revise the chapter accordingly.

Regards,
R. E.

========

Ten
http://ten.waxwolf.com
Perfection has a price.

========

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