Brian Welch wrote:
Comments may be ignored as you see fit, of course.
This is a nicely written fic, but Tsuruko and to a lesser extent
Motoko are giving me fits with it.
I can understand that.
"Such a pity," Tsuruko sighed. "But, he speaks the truth. Now,
Motoko-chan, have you summoned me here simply because you were
frightened of Ranma?"
I realize that you've said you're taking Tsuruko OOC in this fic,
but she's a very happily married woman.
Er.... When did I say I was taking her OOC?
No, this Tsuroko is based on the girl from episode five of Goldenboy.
Which is... well, OOC for the original Tsuroko, but not thos one.
Also, I can't imagine Motoko summoning her sister to the Hinata-sou.
For one thing, Motoko at this point in the storyline adamantly
refuses to accept help from anyone. For another thing, she freaks
when her sister comes to visit. She ran away from the dojo to the
Hinata-sou to get away from her sister.
Hmm.
Actually, I got this idea from another fanfic, but it was by an author I
respect enough that I actually got it confused with canon.
Well, that leaves me in an awkward position.
I can either rewrite the entire thing from the beginning.
Or I can try and work it out.
This is going to take some consideration.
The woman's demeanor shifted instantly from the calm, playful grin
with
eagerly watchful eyes, to a much more purposeful grin, with wiser
eyes.
"I do, Ranma," she said regretfully. "Has he returned to taint your
life once more?"
Ah, so there is a glimmer of the real Tsuruko in her, after all.
As much character as she can have, given how little we see of her in the
manga.
"I thought... I thought...." She closed her eyes, shaking her
head. "I
thought I was ready for it, but I can't hear it from you, Keitaro.
Not yet. Please leave!"
Although Naru was like this later in the manga (not sure about the
anime) I can see how recent events would have pushed her to that
stage a bit early.
Alright. A place where I didn't screw up.
Woohoo!
Tsuruko had even taken her sword away, and as a result, she tried to
hide herself behind the packages she was bearing.
This Tsuruko is a bit sadistic.
She's also not perfect.
"Perhaps he's not as wicked as you make him out to be," Tsuruko said,
slightly more sternly. "I am not doing this to you to be petty,
Motoko-chan. Allow yourself to realize that."
Realize what? That she should kowtow to Ranma, a stranger who seems
to have put her sister under a spell of some kind? Sure, Motoko
doesn't relate well to boys, but Ranma hasn't done anything to help
Motoko accept him. Yet, Tsuruko seems determined to make Motoko
subservient to Ranma. This is the kind of thing which could drive
Motoko from the Hinata-sou, just as she left after losing a fight to
Keitarou the first time.
I was always under the impression that she left because her sister got
married.
"I... don't understand," Motoko mumbled, face flushing with
shame, and bowing her head.
Shame? I would expect her to react in fear (of her sister) and anger.
Motoko left home in the first place because she didn't want to become
what her sister wanted her to become. This kind of humiliation would
just strengthen her resolve to either leave the Shinmei-ryu all
together, or accept them only on her own terms. I'd expect her to
feel her sister was acting dishonorably, and to be suffering a bad
case of disillusionment and resentment.
What?
So.... Motoko left because she doesn't want to be what her sister wants
her to be... and then spends all her time training.
I really don't follow this, I'm sorry. I don't remember it like that from
reading the manga at all.
"I'm sure I will enjoy my stay," she deferred, a smile playing
about her
lips. "Motoko-chan is embarrassed, but I was wondering if you could
show
us to the hotsprings that she has written to me about so often."
Motoko writes to her sister? Since when? She'd be ecstatic if her
sister forgot she existed.
Eh....
"Angry?" Tsuruko asked, bemused. "If I were angry with you,
Motoko-chan,
you would know it. I am merely preparing you for a challenge you
have yet to face."
At least there appears to be some method to her madness. The question
is, has she already pushed Motoko too far for her to listen?
You tell me. I don't know half as much about the character as I thought I
did.
Most of my problems with this chapter revolve around Tsuruko. Other
than her tendency to beat up on Motoko, her personality here seems
opposite to her personality in the manga or even the anime. It seems
I'm having major suspension-of-disbelief problems every time this
Tsuruko opens her mouth.
Eh... I don't think it's worth the bother. I honestly don't remember ANY
of this stuff from the manga. If I get that much wrong, I think it's a
sign that I need to give up on writing. Obviously I can't focus enough
to get it right.
Then, of course, there's this whining Motoko. Whatever happened to
the angel of destruction who had enough guts to leave Kyoto and her
clan rather than accept their plans for her against her will?
I'm not saying that this is a bad fic. The pacing and most of the
characterization is good. It's just Tsuruko and the Tsuruko-Motoko
interaction which prevents me from getting into it.
Right.
Thanks for your time, and I hope I can spend more time C&Cing until I get
a job that leaves me with enough free time to write something worthwhile.
Brian Welch