This fic is all Rakhal's idea, so blame him. I know I do!
At any rate, I know I am soooo gonna catch hell for this...
Find my other fics at: www.geocities.com/kaiphantom2000
E-mail me at: oddball22@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Ranma 1/2, nor any of the characters contained
within. They belong to the brilliant author, Takahashi-megami-sama. The
author of this fic is only pretending to be brilliant.
Ranma 1/2
Ranma, Version 2.0?
<Stupid old man,> Ranma grumbled, trudging along in the rain.
<He just had to go and piss off those Amazons.>
The pig-tailed girl wiped some water out of her eye, telling
herself that it was just the rain. She paused to hunch her backpack,
then sought shelter under a nearby wooden eave, pulling out a piece of
paper.
"Let's see, the Tendo Dojo should be around here," she mumbled
to herself, then looked around. "Stupid old man. I don't know why I'm
even out here. All I can say, is this better be worth it!" She wiped her
eyes again. "Argh! Where is it! It should be on this street! It should
be... oh."
A wooden sign reading "Tendo Dojo" was nailed to the doorframe
of the gate he was standing next to.
"I guess this is the place..." the soaking wet pig-tailed girl
said to herself, pushing the oaken gate open.
Kasumi hummed a happy little tune to herself as she headed to
the front door to answer the doorbell. Life had been so good recently,
despite her earlier reservations about her father's idea. She only hoped
that further surprises would be just as good.
"Oh, hello there," the eldest Tendo daughter said to the soaking
wet girl in the red chinese shirt. "Who are you?"
"Ranma Saotome," the girl told her as she stepped past Kasumi
and into the foyer. "I was told you were expecting me. Our dads knew
each other." She unceremoniously dumped her pack against the wall.
Kasumi blinked. "Excuse me, but there must be some mistake..."
"No mistake," Ranma replied, taking off her shirt and wringing
it out on the floor. She paused and glanced up at the Kasumi's shocked
expression. "What?"
The young girl was certainly... well endowed, Kasumi noticed.
"Please, that's not proper for young ladies!" She reached out and
grabbed the shirt, trying to get the girl to put it back on, but was
meeting resistance.
"I ain't a lady!" Ranma protested, trying to take her shirt back
without actually hurting the other girl. "And leggo my shirt!"
However, the floor was slick from the water Ranma had wrung out
from her shirt, and Kasumi happened to step in a puddle. "Oh my!"
"Wahhh!" Ranma lost her balance as she was pulled foreward, the
other girl falling backwards. Ranma grabbed Kasumi around the waist and
attempted to soften the fall.
*Whump!* *Goosh!*
"Kasumi, who's at the do-" Akane paused, taking in the scene of
her older sister moaning as she lay on the floor, a topless pig-tailed
girl half-draped over her and feeling her up. "Oh no! Kasumi's being
molested!" Akane leapt into action. "I'll save you, Kasumi! Hyah!*
*Wham!*
The golf swing was perfect, even though Akane did not play
golf. She was proficient with her mallet, however.
"Kasumi!" Akane cried, helping her sister up. "Are you alright?"
"Yes, I believe so," the eldest Tendo daughter replied,
regaining her feet.
"Hey, what didja do that for!?" Ranma demanded to know as she
pulled herself out of the wall, scowling at the gi-clad girl who had
knocked her into it. "You psycho or something?"
"You were molesting my sister, you bimbo!"
"Hey, I ain't no bimbo, ya violent maniac!" Ranma shot back .
She jerked a thumb at her own chest. "I'm a guy! So there!"
Akane and Kasumi blinked, not prepared for that pronouncement.
They looked the strange girl up and down with identical expressions that
seemed to suggest their guest could use a straight jacket.
"She's a little... loony, isn't she?" Akane concluded. Of
course, she couldn't help but feel a little envious, based on a quick
comparison of what the half-naked girl had over Akane, size-wise.
Ranma crossed her arms over her chest, unperturbed. "I ain't
loony! I'll prove it. Just get me some hot water!"
"Um, a hot bath maybe?" Kasumi inquired.
Ranma nodded, and shivered for emphasis. "Sure! That would be
great!"
"Akane, why don't you show our guest to the bathroom?" Kasumi
suggested, never one to turn someone away who could use help. "I'll go
inform father we will be having a guest for dinner."
Akane exhaled in mild annoyance. "Very well. Come on, you."
Ranma grumbled as she followed Akane out.
"And put your shirt back on!" came the shouted commanded from
the hallway.
The boy's punches and kicks cracked like lightening, as he
struck out against the post. *Crack-crack-Smash!* He stopped to take a
breather as the head of the post flew away, then turned just in time to
catch the object thrown at him.
"Not bad," Akane appraised.
The boy looked at the towel Akane had tossed him. "Thanks," he
replied, dabbing his forehead, then took note of her expression. "What's
up?"
"We have another guest for the night," she replied. "A girl who
calls herself Ranma Saotome."
The boy froze. "What?"
Akane shrugged. "That's what Kasumi said the girl called
herself. She's probably not quite right in the head." She frowned,
remembering the girl's "psycho" and "violent maniac" comments. "She's
pretty rude, too."
Internally, the boy was wondering. <A girl who calls herself
`Ranma'? Obviously she has to be an imposter. Unless she's...>
"So, you going to show me some more moves tonight?" Akane asked
eagerly, breaking his concentration.
"Um, sure, I suppose," he replied, somewhat distracted.
Akane smiled. "Good! It's been a long time since Daddy taught
me anything. It's nice to have someone take me seriously and train me.
I-"
Her words were cut off by a loud, feminine yell from inside the
house.
"That was Nabiki!" Akane exclaimed.
The duo shared a look of surprise and concern, then leapt into
the house.
"Who the hell are you!?" a shocked Nabiki demanded to know,
backing up and trying to cover her nudity with the small towel.
Kasumi had suggested Nabiki take a bath and try to find out
more about the girl. But when the middle Tendo had opened the door to
the bathroom, she discovered someone standing on the other side who was
most definitely not a girl!
"Uhh, sorry," Ranma replied, now in boy-form. He spied his pack
laying up against the washer. "Just let me get my clothes and-"
Unfortunately, Nabiki was standing between him and his pack,
and she took his advancement as something else.
"You pervert!" she yelled, reaching behind her for something to
defend herself with.
Ranma was met by a hail of dirty clothes, followed by the
hamper, and several other objects. "Hey, knock it off, you stupid girl!"
He fought his way through the barrage and grabbed her wrists to
prevent her from hitting him with anything else. She attempted to
struggle.
The towels fell to the floor.
Of course, that's when the door to the changing room opened,
admitting the girl who had showed him to the bath, and a guy wearing a
black muscle T-shirt, camouflage pants and a matching bandanna.
Both newcomers held expressions that weren't exactly friendly.
Ranma rubbed the bumps on his head, while adjusting himself on
the pillow to ease the bruises. It's wasn't very easy, with the rope
binding his movement. The curse had been explained and demonstrated, so
the Tendos accepted the misunderstanding in the bathroom wasn't really
his fault. They did tell him he could have explained beforehand, though.
"Nabiki, this molester didn't hurt you, did he?" the boy wearing
the camoflage pants asked. He was sitting between Kasumi and Nabiki, on
the other side of the table. "If he did, I can beat him up for you some
more."
"I ain't no molester!"
Nabiki turned and smiled at the boy sitting next to her. "I'm
fine, Ranma. You came just in time." She turned back and glared at the
pig-tailed boy. No one had ever seen her nude before, and she was
decidedly unhappy about that.
"Hey, what are ya calling him Ranma for?" Ranma protested.
"That's my name!"
The Tendos looked surprised at that.
"You can't be Ranma," Akane told the cursed boy. "He's Ranma,
Kasumi's fiance. And at least he's not as perverted and rude like you."
"Yes," the other boy named `Ranma' confirmed. "I came here
almost a month ago, after my father, Genma Saotome, died in a training
accident."
"When they failed to show up after I received the postcard,"
Soun explained, sniffling a little. "I had almost lost hope. But then he
arrived at our door, and I knew this fine martial artist could inherit
the school."
"But I'm Ranma Saotome!" the pig-tailed boy insisted, his eyes
narrowing. "I'm supposed to inherit the Tendo Dojo! That's what my pop
told me. This jerk is an imposter, just pretending to be me! Let me at
him and I'll show you who the real Ranma is!"
"I think you're the imposter," Kasumi's fiance stated. "After
all, do you have any proof?"
Soun nodded. "Indeed, if you are the real Ranma, where do you
say your father, Genma, is?"
"He was killed by Chinese Amazons," Ranma replied a little
solemnly.
The family blinked at that, then Nabiki and the other Ranma
began to snicker.
"Hey, it ain't funny!" Ranma shouted, not wanting to be laughed
at.
Nabiki rolled her eyes, trying to control her giggles. "Oh
please. `Chinese Amazons'?"
"Now, now Nabiki, it would seem we have a genuine problem," Soun
informed everyone, then turned to the bound pig-tailed boy. "And if you
really are Ranma Saotome, then you must marry one of my daughters to
inherit the dojo! There's Kasumi, 19, though she's currently engaged to
the other Ranma. Nabiki is 17, and Akane is 16. Pick one of my two
younger daughters, and she'll be your fiancee!"
Kasumi grasped her fiance's hand in worry. She didn't want to
lose him, as he had been very kind and helpful to her. What if this
other Ranma somehow convinced her father that he was the real one?
Ranma began to look them over, then realized the implications
of Soun's statement. "What!? I ain't gettin' married to any violent
chicks!"
"And I'm not getting married to some perverted jerk!" Akane
denied forcefully, definitely not liking this. The Ranma staying at
their house for the past month had been nothing but nice and polite, and
he had even helped train her. In fact, she almost regretted the fact
that he had been engaged to Kasumi. Then this new arrogant and rude
boy/girl turns up, and tries to molest both her sisters.
"Count me out, too," Nabiki agreed, standing up and matching
Akane's glare at the newcomer. "Obviously this new Ranma is a fake.
Besides, the little lecher saw me naked. You're not going to let him get
away with that, are you?" If he stayed, she could make his school life
hell. But she actually thought it best to try and get him kicked out so
he couldn't mooch off her family.
"Hey, you saw me, too!" Ranma countered, growing upset at being
rejected twice. "And it's no big deal for me to see a naked girl. I've
seen myself plenty of times, and I'm better built to boot!"
Akane had never seen Nabiki generate a battle aura before, nor
did she think Nabiki had the strength to pick up and slam the table down
on the bound pig-tailed boy. She shrugged.
"Now that," the youngest Tendo stated, "he had coming."
After Ranma woke from his short, table-induced coma, he found
himself in what must be the dojo. He groaned and rubbed his head.
"The whole family's nuts," he said to himself, sitting up. "Why
don't they realize that I'm the real Ranma Saotome? Pops been tellin' me
all along about how this Soun Tendo is his best friend, and that I'm
supposed to inherit the dojo. But what's the deal with this other guy?"
Working on autopilot, Ranma fell into a kata after he stood up,
wincing a little at the pain in his head that was put there by a table.
"Violent chick. What's her problem?"
"Are you talking about my sister?" Akane asked in a dangerous
voice from the doorway.
Ranma froze. "Urk! Uh, no! I was just thinking about this
Amazon that chased us around China, trying to kill us!"
"I wonder why," Akane drawled. "So, you do kempo?"
"A little." A slight feeling of unease appeared in Ranma's
stomach.
An eager look appeared in Akane's eyes, even while she assumed
a fighting stance. "Let's spar, then! Don't worry, I'll go easy on you."
The feeling of unease grew, even as Akane sprung at him. Full
power punches and kicks were snapped his way, but didn't come close as
Ranma ducked and sidestepped around them.
Ranma decided to use this opportunity to find out about the
imposter. As subtly and noncalantly as he could, he asked, "So, uh, tell
me about this other Ranma. Any weakness?"
Akane paused, surprised at the question. "What? Not really.
He's a nice guy, unlike someone else I could mention. And Kasumi seems
to really like him for some reason." She resumed fighting.
"Well, you're older sister doesn't seem very bright, ya know?"
Ranam replied, leaning to the side to avoid a straight punch. "He could
be just using her. How much do ya know about him?"
The pace of Akane's attacks accelerated. "Don't call Kasumi
stupid! And Ranma is very kind and gentle with her." She grit her teeth
as her opponent leapt over her mid-level kick. "And he actually fights
back when we spar! So why aren't you? Afraid you'd lose?"
Ranma easily danced around a few more aggressive attacks.
"Well, if you even had a chance of actually touching me, I might
consider it."
"Are you saying I'm slow?" Akane growled, as Ranma flipped over
her body.
"No, that's not what I'm saying," Ranma countered, causing Akane
to pause. "Wait a minute, yes, that is what I'm saying!"
"You jerk!" Akane let fly with all the strength and speed she
had. *WHAM* *CRUNCH!*
Ranma looked on in interest, as Akane pulled her fist slowly
out of the hole in the hardwood dojo wall. There wasn't a mark on her
hand.
"Well, you may be slow, but at least you've got brute strength
going for you."
This time, the punch did connect.
Ranma silently crept back into the house after picking himself
off the floor. Akane had stormed out in a huff after their little match.
Ranma wondered why she had gotten so upset. He had just done what his
father had done; pointing out strengths and weakness during the sparring
match. Ranma decided she was just too sensitive, and unable to take a
joke.
At any rate, he figured this other Ranma probably had something
to do with the fact that this family seemed to be a little upset at
himself. It wasn't like he hadn't tried to be nice. Ranma figured he
just needed to confront this imposter, and then he could force the fraud
to reveal who he really was.
Ranma was convinced this pretender was up to no good. After
all, if someone didn't have anything to hide, they would use their own
name, right? How if he could just find the jerk...
"Don't worry, Kasumi-chan, I won't leave you," came the boy's
voice.
Ranma grinned; success! Then he paused. <Kasumi-chan!?>
Sure enough, the eldest Tendo daughter's voice replied, "Thank
you, Ranma-chan, but I'm not worried. You take such good care of me, and
I am happy."
Ranma stepped lightly around the edge of the house and peeked
around the corner, spying the couple sitting on the veranda. As he
suspected, they were side-by-side, the imposter's right arm resting
around the waist of the eldest Tendo girl.
The fake Ranma kissed her cheek. "And I'm happy because you
take good care of me." He patted his stomach with his left hand.
"Although, perhaps you take too good a care of me!"
Kasumi giggled, then leaned into him, resting her head on his
shoulder. "You are very sweet, Ranma-chan. I guess that's why I care
you, dearly."
Hidden in the shadows, Ranma blinked. What was going on? Did
this jerk have that girl completely fooled? Was she really that dumb?
"Not as much as I care about you," the imposter replied in a
gentle voice. "I can't tell you how nice it is to have a home after all
those years on the road."
The only answer was a sigh and another kiss from the girl.
Ranma gagged. Girls actually went for this sappy stuff? How
pathetic! If all the women in this house were as easily duped, then it
was no wonder this fake had them eating out of his hand. Plus, this was
really starting to wierd Ranma out, and make something decidely
unpleasant form in the pit of his stomach.
Shoving all other feelings aside, the pig-tailed martial artist
stood. <Looks like it's up to me to save them! That, and I can't let
someone else go around ruining the name of Ranma Saotome!>
He leapt into view, startling the couple. "That's quite enough!
I won't let this farce go any longer!"
"Oh my!"
The other Ranma smiled slightly. "Heh. To my eyes, you're the
farce. Why don't you just leave us alone?"
"Why don't you make me?" Ranma pointed a finger at the other
boy. "I'm gonna make you pay for using my name and molesting that girl!"
"Oh dear..."
The other Ranma let go of his fiancee and stood up. "Kasumi-
chan, it appears I've been challenged to a fight. It would be best if
you kept your distance for the next few moments."
"Well, I'll just go get the first-aid kit, then," Kasumi
replied, patting him on the shoulder. "Do be careful, dear." She
vanished into the house.
"Now it's just you and me," Ranma declared. "So you can drop the
act. Who are you?"
"I'm Ranma Saotome," the boy declared, smirking.
Ranma returned the smirk. "That's real funny, considering I'm
the real Ranma Saotome." He slid into an attack stance. "But if I have
to beat the truth out of you, so much the better. For using my name and
deceving the Tendos, you will pay!" He sprung at the other martial
artist.
"DON'T MOVE!" came the shouted command that stopped a confused
and surprised Ranma in his tracks. "Fierce Tiger Opening Gates Blow!"
Ranma spit out dirt as stood back up. "What was that?"
"The Saotome School of Anything-Goes Martial Arts, Yamasenken!"
his opponent explained, dropping into an aggressive posture. "The only
way to beat me, is to use the Umisenken."
<Saotome school?> Ranma wondered. <Yamasenken? Umisenken? What's
going on?> "It doesn't matter what you use, I'll beat you anyway! Hyah!"
The other boy was assaulted by several fast and powerful
punches, but he had little trouble defending himself against them. "Is
that all you've got?" he taunted, amused.
Ranma frowned and dropped, sweeping his leg out and taking Ryu
off his feet. Before he could follow up on the advantage, however, his
opponent had kippup'ed back to his feet, now holding something in his
hands.
"Gold Cord Tight Binding Soar!" the fake Ranma yelled.
Before the really Ranma had realized what his adversary was up
to, he realized his arms were bound to his sides by thick rope.
"Welcome Gate Iron Fan Fingers!"
Ranma blinked in surprise as he fell, the pain in his chest
from his opponent's one-handed strike to his chest temporarily taking
his breath and strength away. <What did he do to me?>
"Well, that was pathetic," the imposter said. "The Yamasenken is
an incredibly powerful art only taught to the Saotomes. Don't feel bad
that you can't stand up against it."
Ranma grit his teeth, somehow finding the strength to stand. He
couldn't let this fake defeat him! "I ain't beat yet!"
He sprung to his feet and swung clockwise with a roundhouse
that smacked his target's head around, then freed himself from his rope
bindings. But that move cost him, as he felt his heart burning in his
chest.
"Heh, impressive," his adversary told him, wiping a little blood
from his lip. "I didn't think you'd be able to move after that. But
let's see how you deal with this... Demon God Assault Bomb!"
Taken by surprise and unable to completely avoid them, Ranma
grunted as the vacuum blades bit into his clothes and skin. He managed
to recover his balance, just in time to see his opponent launch another
salvo.
He swallowed hard; this wasn't gonna be pretty.
"Owweee..."
"I believe it's over," Soun declared from the sidelines. During
the fight, the rest of the family had gathered to watch.
"Owweee..." Ranma commented once more from the ground. He was
bruised, cut, beaten, and battered. He felt pretty bad, too.
"Are you alright?" Kasumi asked, dabbing at the other Ranma's
split lip with a napkin.
"I'm fine, Kasumi-chan," he replied. "It wasn't that tough a
fight. Surely that can't be Ranma Saotome, to be defeated so easily."
"I have to agree," Soun stated. "It appears you are the real
one."
"No... I'm... Ranma!" the pigtailed boy grunted as he dragged
himself up. "This jerk is an imposter!"
"Jerk?" Akane asked. She crossed her arms over her chest. "I'd
say you're the jerk.You couldn't even fight me for real. You probably
can't really fight at all."
Soun nodded. "Well, that's it, then. Since he has proven to be
the vastly superior martial artist, then he must be Ranma. My old
friend, Genma, said he was going to train his son over the course of a
long training journey."
"But... He's a fake!" Ranma insisted. "He's not really me!"
Nabiki's eyelids lowered. "Let's see, out Ranma is nicer, more
polite, a better martial artist, and he doesn't turn into a girl when
splashed with cold water. If one of us has to marry to inherit the dojo,
I'd pick him."
"Oh come on, you can't be that stupid!" Ranma protested.
The assembled Tendos turned their gaze on the cursed boy.
Ranma grumbled as he stumbled through the streets, wincing at
the pain in his side from both he fight, and from being tossed out. "I
just have to train to beat him. Then I'll show him; I'll show them all!
I'll find a way to beat that `Yamesenken' of his, and then he'll be
nothing!"
He began to chuckle, picturing his defeated foe on the ground,
while the Tendo's apologized for thinking he was the fake. The chuckle
increased in volume, turning into slightly-crazed laughter. He stopped
walking to rest against a wall, turning to look toward the sky.
"Yeah, I'll beat him easy!" he declared boldly. "Cause nobody
can defeat Ranma Saotome!"
"Did you say your name was Ranma Saotome?" a new voice asked
with a slight edge to it.
Ranma turned and blinked at the figure standing on the wall,
who was holding some sort of large axe. "Yeah, what of it?"
"It's been a long time, Saotome," the mysterious boy said.
The pig-tailed boy blinked. "Have me met before?"
"Don't pretend that you don't know me!" the other boy yelled,
leaping off the wall and into a streetlight, allowing Ranma to see he
was carryng a giant spatula. He also was wearing a mask over his mouth,
but the word "Okonomiyaki" was written on his apron. "You left me
behind! You caused me untold misery!"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Ranma said, limping off. "I ain't got
time to deal with you. I've got something else to take care of first,
but don't worry. I'll beat your ass later."
The boy growled, loosing a flight of steel projectiles. "You
won't get away from me again! This is a duel!"
"Yow!" Ranma tried to avoid them all, but his previous injuries
slowed him down.
*Thunk!* *Thunk!* *Thunk!*
Ranma found himself pinned to the wall by three shuriken
spatulas. "Hey, knock it off, you-" *Clang!* The pig-tailed boy was
freed when the large spatula knocked him loose.
He shakily stood back up. He was still quite sore from his
earlier bout with the fake Ranma, but felt he could still take this
clown. "Alright pal, you asked for it. You're gonna regret messing with
Ranma Saotome! Hyah!"
Ranma leapt into action.
"And that's for abandoning me and stealing our okonomiyaki
cart!" the boy who had identified himself as "Ukyo" said, panting.
Though it had turned out that the boy was a girl midway through the
fight. The breast distraction had allowed Ukyo to finish the job, in a
true display of berserk female aggression.
"Um ugh ah?" Ranma commented from the ground, covered in flour
and noodles.
"And this is for calling me a stupid violent tomboy during our
duel!" *Wham!* Her spatula would need several days to straighten out,
but it was worth it.
"But don't worry, I'll make sure to give your father the exact
same greeting," Ukyo declared, then turned and limped off into the
shadows.
For several long moments, Ranma contemplated the blades of
grass before his eyes, marveling at how different they were close up.
Some had a darker shade of green, while others were different lengths.
There was even a ladybug perched atop one, staring at him. Ranma thought
that it looked it was laughing at him, but that was just on the
principal that it was female.
"Stupid psycho chicks," Ranma mumbled, slowly dragging himself
to his feet and wincing all thwe while. "Way too sensitive... Ow! Need
to learn to *ouch* take a joke..."
The sudden downpour was helpful in washing off the foodstuffs,
Ranma noted, even as he changed genders. "Stupid fake Ranma. Stupid
Nabiki. Stupid Akane. Stupid Ukyo. If I meet one more dumb violent
bimbo, I'll-"
"Ranma, I kill!" came a high-pitched shout.
The blood drained from Ranma's face. "Oh no..."
----------------------------------
Author's notes:
Like I stated above, this is all Rak's idea! Really! And I'll even
pass out the mallets to those that want them! Okay, so I wrote
it, so I deserve some of the blame. Anyway, if you want, you can choose
to end the fic here, and leave it to your imaginations as to what
exactly happens, but if you must know, read on...
----------------------------------
"What have we got?" Detective Ohara asked the coroner, taking a
good look at the young girl laid out on the examination table. She was
naked, except for the white sheet covering her body.
"Multiple compound fractures, bruises, contusions, and internal
bleeding," The coroner replied, a small man in his late 30's by the name
of Yoshiro..
Ohara whistled as he studied the girl. "Wow. She'd be quite a
looker without, without all those injuries. Wonder what got a hold of
her? A wild tiger or bear?" He looked over at the coroner. "So, what was
ultimately the cause of death?"
"Good question," Yoshiro replied, leafing though a folder. "Took
us awhile to figure it out, but it turns out to be `blunt force trauma
to the head.'" He looked up. "Bascially, she was hit with a large object
of considerable weight. Well, either that, or the wielder was pretty
strong."
Ohara shook his head. "Shame. And she was such a looker, too.
Cute pigtail, too."
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