Dear Reader,
This is my new, generic C&C disclaimer. I've had some problems recently with authors who have gotten a little . . .personal in their
response to my C&C. Hence, the following:

1)EVERYTHING is In MY Opinion ONLY!

2) I'm commenting on the STORY. NOTHING
I say should be taken personally.  My comments and criticisms are directed at:
a) story telling
b)Dramatic Tension
c)Characterization
d)Plot

3)ALL my C&C is based on the kind of things I read and write. I am telling the author what I liked or disliked and why. I C&C as if the story were going to be published in the real world, for money. I'm suggesting
changes that, IMO, would make a better story.

4)I'm not a professional editor. And even professional editors make mistakes.  Different people like reading different things. NEVER
try to please everyone. Write what you like, the way you like.
BUT . . .please do not jump up and down on the critic/editor because s/he didn't love your story.
I'm giving my honest opinion, as clearly as I know how.
Perhaps you disagree with me. Perhaps I am wrong.
Maybe I see something you don't, and maybe you don't care.
That's fine.  Fiction writing is very subjective with a lot
of room for disagreement.

I'll be glad to discuss issues regarding writing and storytelling at length. 

BUT

Please don't get personal. No sarcasm, cutting or denigrating
remarks. And no profanity. It wastes time better spent on writing.
If you think my C&C is so far off the mark, just delete it, unread, and go on to something more interesting.

I hope this prevents any further misunderstandings.
#########################################################
My comments @@






Aishuu Shadowweaver <mbsilvana@yahoo.com> wrote:

Sainan no Kekka

@@Southernmost cutting class?
  Result of misfortune?
  Calamity of the river breaking through?

@@W/O the Kanji there's no way to tell
what you mean. Assuming readers are willing
to look up the meaning in the first place.

The title is VERY important in setting the mood
and attracting readers. 
@@@@


<SNIP>

!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!* !*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*
!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!
Scene I: The Daughter of China
"The death of the heart is the saddest thing that can
happen to you."
- Chinese Proverb
!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!* !*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*
!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!

@@The forest of {!*!*!} hides the title. 
Unnecessary and impairs readability.
@@@@

It wasn't where she wanted to be, but somehow she had
expected it.

Sally Po had known what things would most likely come
to when she had started down this path.  Still, that
didn't mean she had to like it.

That was one thing her mother had always told her,
"You can dream many dreams on a long night, Sally,"
she had whispered, quoting a famous proverb.  Sally
had thought of that often, whenever times got tough. 
She had never been particularly close to her parents,
but that was one thing she had been grateful to them
for - perhaps the only thing.

When she was little, she hadn't been quite sure what
the proverb meant.  Her parents had been fond of
throwing them out, and on the surface, it was simple. 
Most Chinese proverbs were; they were a bit of common
wisdom that was always true.  Look beneath them,
though, and the true depth of their meaning became
apparent. She had spent many late nights awake,
dreaming of things that were possible, and now was
facing the true long night of her life.  

@@IS this a Chinese proverb? I realize there are 
always problems with translations, but it doesn't
have the "FEEL" of being Chinese. 
And it's better to SHOW all of this, rather
than rely on exposition from the main 
character.
@@@@

She was Chinese, and her parents had at least given
her the chance to be Chinese.  She pitied those who
didn't know their cultures.

It disgusted her, nowadays.  People had no idea who
or what they were, and the way things were going, that
trend would continue until the world had assimilated
everyone into one Unitarian society

@@Unitarian? Hmmmmm . . . I would have thought
the Presbyterians would have come out on top.
@@@@


 where everyone

walked, talked, and thought alike.  She hated the very
thought of it.  Identity was important to her.  She
believed in individuality, and after being a member of
the Federation, she had seen how people had conformed
to the standards the mainstream culture had placed on
them.

@@Still just a long soliloquy. SHOW!
Have the main character DO something that
SHOWS how she feels. Have her SHOW through disgusted
expression, tone of voice, body-language that
she doesn't like "the mainstream culture".
@@@@

The knowledge that, as a soldier in the Federation
army, she was one of the oppressors, had revolted her.
When the Gundams had come and destroyed her
government, she had eagerly joined the Chinese
rebellion, hoping that something better could be
formed. 

Something that allowed her to be Chinese  but in the
end, there was a return to the status quo.  Une had
meant well, and Sally liked how she was earnest, but
Une held no real power.  Une was a ghost, a woman who
wasn't truly alive.  Without Treize, Une was nothing. 
Sally thought things might have been different if the
pilots hadn't vanished.  They understood national
pride  and Wufei understood China.  

@@SLOW opening. 403 words of exposition. SHOW, don't
simply have the character tell the reader things.
For instance, simply TELLING the reader that
"Sally Po" "Pitied those who didn't know their
cultures" is less effective than SHOWING this
through action or interaction with other
characters or situations.
@@@@

<SNIP>
"How much longer to the rendezvous point?" she asked,
even though she knew.  The oppressive silence was
beginning to get to her. 

"Thirteen minutes, General," Gils-Reve said, his
voice steady, even though his hands had shaken as they
had initiated the launch two days prior.

@@???  . . . "his voice steady, even though his 
hands had shaken as they had initiated the launch
 two days prior."

And this means . . . What?
1)You're connecting a steady voice NOW
with hands, TWO days earlier?
2)"shaken hands" initiated the launch
OR
the launch caused "shaken hands"?
OR
the hands are still shaking as they did two days ago?

ALSO
Who is "General"?
I'm guessing it's "Sally", but IMO you could and
should have introduced that bit of information
at the start:

EXAMPLE:

Original:

"Sally Po had known what things would most likely come . . ."

Change:


"Sally Po, General in the Federation Space Force . . ."

@@@@@@
@@NOT the only way, just an example.

@@@@@

Overall:
Opening much too slow.
No HOOK.
Too much exposition.
SHOW, don't just have
the main character narrate.



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