This is much better than it has been. ^_^

Sam Vilsmeier wrote:

She had never felt this carefree. Here she was soaring through the air,
from rooftop to rooftop in the arms of her beloved. It made her feel
like a heroine in a shojo manga, a beautiful maiden rescued from some
great evil by her one true love. This is how Usagi must feel whenever
Tuxedo Mask appears to aid the Senshi.

Tense difference in that last sentence; suggest either "this was how 
Usagi must feel" or "this must be how Usagi felt", or the like.

Hotaru turned a matching pink, and let out a sigh. She had been so
caught up in everything that she forgot to tell him where they were
going. Hotaru looked over the edge of the roof in an attempt to get her
bearings relative to the streets; she was not used to this method of
transportation. She didn't recognize roofs.

Once she had her bearings, she pointed toward Chibi-Usa's home. "Uh,
about three kilometers that way. I'll tell you where to go once we're
in the area."

Repetition of "bearings" in fairly close proximity; suggest changing 
"get her bearings" to "orient herself".

Ranma looked at her seriously. "No, I ain't kiddin'. The girl could
burn water." He paused for a moment than added, "I swear, if it wasn't
for Shampoo and Ucchan she'd probably already have killed me."

Burn water? Is that documented? I've only seen the relevant part of 
canon once, but last I checked she *did* in fact successfully manage to 
boil water for a dish. (I'm of the opinion that Akane's terrible cooking 
skills are rather exaggerated in almost every fanfic that mentions them, 
but that's not relevant here.)

"I always had a place ta eat for free when Akane cooked. Sure, she
would always hit me with something when I got home, but I would rather
get smacked over the head with a table than eat that toxic crap that
she cooked; unless it was her curry. Her curry is actually passable."

It's argued that the curry was a fluke. Suggest changing "is actually" 
to either "can actually be" or "is sometimes actually" (or, for that 
matter, "is actually sometimes").

Hotaru paused. He made a good point. At the moment she was in no
physical condition to carry her child to term! She needed to get
healthier, and in better shape. "Ranma, I'm not healthy enough to carry
a child, am I?"

Well, technically she could probably *do* it, but not well, and it 
probably wouldn't be too healthy for either her or the infant.

And it's not a matter of being "healthy enough", precisely; it's more a 
problem of being too frail, or too fragile, or not strong enough, or not 
sturdy enough. Any of those descriptions and several others would do; 
for that matter, "not healthy enough" would probably do as well, it's 
just not technically *quite* accurate. Most likely only a precisionist 
such as myself would even notice much less care. ^_^

It was unbelievable, but at the same time, it made sense. He had
thought his life was weird. It also explained some of the more negative
aspects of her personality. No wonder her self-confidence was so low.
For her entire life, she had been raised to act as a host for a being
that would destroy the world, and from the way she spoke she still
lived in fear of herself because of it.

I'm given to understand that Hotaru only spent three or four years as a 
host for Mistress 9 (who I'm assuming is the person you're referring to 
as 'a being that would destroy the world'); admittedly most of her life 
since then has been as either an infant or effectively her present age 
(pretty much), but I'm still not sure it qualifies as "her entire life". 
Try "most of her life" or "much of her life" instead.

Incidentally, somewhere around the space between that paragraph and the 
next I quote marks a sort of 'dividing line' in this hemichapter; before 
it, the writing is quite polished and good, and after it, there are 
considerably more "that isn't quite right... but I can't think exactly 
how" sort of niggles. None of them are major, that I've seen yet anyway, 
but I wanted to make note of this anyway.

Hotaru stopped walking and turned to him. Her skin was glossy from
sweat, and her breathing was heavy. She looked like she could use
another break. If he were his father he would have walked her to and
beyond the point of exhaustion, but he really wouldn't feel right doing
that. Who knows what it would do to the kid.

Might want that last period to be a question mark. (Might also want 
"knew" instad of "knows", but that's less certain.")

"Yes, Ranma," asked Hotaru anxiously.

Minor rephrase of this, to add the needed ? without introducing problems:

==
"Yes, Ranma?" Hotaru asked anxiously.
==

Not perfect, but then my work rarely is.

Hotaru gasped lightly, not expecting the compliment, and blushed. "You
really think so?"

Maybe "gasped lightly at the unexpected compliment, then blushed"? Or 
"and" might work just as well anyway...

Hotaru(:'s) smile widened and she just seemed to shine with joy as she
placed her hand in his. "Thank you, Ranma!"

"placed her hand in his" seems a little awkward, though I haven't been 
able to think of any easy sure-fire solutions; "reached for his hand" is 
about the best I've been able to come up with, and it has potential 
issues of its own.

This (served only:only served) to make her blush more brightly. "Really?"

?

"It's funny 'cause Haruka ain't gonna be that lucky," replied Ranma
with a self-satisfied smirk.

Hotaru smiled. "Just don't hurt her, okay?"

Suggest "blinked, then smiled" or "thought about that for a moment, then 
smiled" ("it" might work instead of "that"); also suggest "grinned" as a 
possible alternative to "smiled", depending on your intention here.

"Nothin' permanent," stated Ranma. It was then that he noticed that
Hotaru had stopped walking. Looking at the house in front of him he
asked, "This it?"

That last sentence feels like it's missing a comma (after "him"); either 
add one, or rephrase to eliminate the need. Preferably the latter, in 
this context, at least in my opinion.

Nuku-Nuku would be easy, since she always stayed in one place, so would
Ryouga, who had a strange way of always running into him. Ryu and
Sakura would be a pain to find, but where you find one you would find
the other within a reasonable distance. Then there was Terry... the
kami only know when he would show up next. Oh, and he might as well
introduce her to his extended family...

In the first sentence, you need to either change the comma after "place" 
to a semicolon, or insert an "and" after it. In the second sentence, the 
first "find" should be "found".

In an attempt to curtail Hotaru's embarrassment, Ranma said, "Don't
worry, we ain't gonna do anything on your bed. We already did that
today." Needless to say, it had the opposite effect as intended as
Hotaru blushed an even deeper red.

That's Ranma: open mouth, insert foot. Only this time without the sort 
of consequences that generally tend to follow.

"I told him. Setsuna-mama said I could."

Actually, if memory serves Setsuna said she *should*.

He trembled with terror as the deadly predator stalked up behind the
purple haired woman, its lithe body flexing, ready to kill. Its deadly,
razor-sharp claws prepared to rend flesh from bone. Its evil, glowing
eyes burning with hate and malice. Then it hunched back, and opened its
maw to expose its jagged, flesh ripping teeth and voice its horrible,
soul chilling battle cry...

I still feel that my suggestions about hyphenation of those word-pairs 
should be applied, but if you don't want to use them you aren't required.

-- 
       The Wanderer

I feel I should warn you I'm slightly mad.

Warning: Simply because I argue an issue does not mean I agree with any 
side of it.

A government exists to serve its citizens, not to control them.

"I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much 
liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it."
  - Thomas Jefferson to Archibald Stuart, 1791. ME 8:276


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