Skyrocket wrote:
Hey,
God help me, I've decided to wrote a romance. A
Keitaro/Kitsune romance to be exact. Do you see what
being around you people has done to me?
Indeed. If I remember, someone else already beat you to it, but I haven't
seen any more of that fanfic in months.
Regardless, I'm struggling through my backlog which has grown to the
point that if you sent me C&C... I can't find it. I need to take care of
some of these things before I can find them to reply to -- I'm not
ignoring anyone. ^_^;;;
But on with the C&C.
Take anything I say with a grain of salt, it's only a suggestion, anyway. :)
Foxheart
By
Skyrocket
This idea is certainly true when it comes to affairs
of the heart. A stolen glance, a harsh word, a smile,
an impure though or a small act of kindness; any of
these things, if they should occur at a crucial
moment, can make or break the love between two people.
Such a fragile thing is love.
Formatting's gone all funky. Mine does this, too. Still not sure why,
though....
Now that the pebble has been cast into the stream let
us see where destiny flows.
Well enough. The opening is subtle, and not really 'gripping', but I
think it works better for the kind of story you're writing here.
In Japan it is the tradition on New Year's Day to
visit a local temple to pray for good fortune in the
new year. Considering that if he didn't get into Tokyo
U this year it would mean facing a third year as a
ronin, Keitaro Urashima figured a little divine
assistance couldn't hurt. As he stood before the front
of the shrine he prayed to any deity that would listen
for their aid.
Tokyo U -- Tokyo University -- or maybe just 'Todai' -- the abbreviation
looks a bit awkward in prose.
I would also suggest replacing the first instance of 'year' with 'time'
to avoid repetition, but that's because I'm a real stickler for that. ;)
"Please, help a poor ronin out!" prayed Keitaro. "If
I don't get into Tokyo U I'll never be able to reunite
with the girl from my promise. Plus, the girls from
the house, especially Shinobu, will be disappointed in
me!"
Same suggestion on Todai, but I won't repeat it endlessly. :p
After he felt he'd sufficiently petitioned the
gods for their help Keitaro turned back to his other
main reason for coming to the temple. Nearby at one of
the temple's other buildings were the girls of the
Hinata House.
I'd replace one of the instances of shrine with temple, just to avoid
repetition. But that's just me. ;)
As lovely as those three had looked it was the
possibility of seeing Naru in tradition dress that
made Keitaro's heart skip up beat. Sadly, just as
Keitaro was daydreaming about that image Naru had
shown up wearing a normal skirt, a worn orange
sweatshirt she was particularly fond of, and some very
think glasses she sometimes wore while studying.
Keitaro had been unable to hide his disappointment.
Naru had then proceeded to remind him or how important
it was that they study and that they couldn't waste
all day at the festival. She intended to only go to
the celebration for a short time and then return home
for some studying.
tradition -- traditional
He was slightly surprised to see that Makoto was
giving small but genuine smiles to her customers.
She'd also swapped the kendo training uniform she
usually wore for a shrine maiden's outfit. Motoko is
certainly something of a traditional girl, thought
Keitaro. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that she'd
enjoy something like this. It's shame she doesn't
smile more often.
Makoto -- Motoko
Not far from Motoko Su, Naru, Kitsune and Shinobu were
examining the fortunes they'd just bought.
Drat. Formatting got eaten -- none of these lines are indented. This is
why I suggest putting an extra newline after every paragraph. My old
eyes are going to strugle with this one. ;)
"Wow, mine say I'm going to have the best luck!"
cheered Su.
"I got medium luck," said Naru, sounding fairly
satisfied. When one was aiming for Tokyo U a little
luck was always welcome.
"I got best luck too!" grinned Kitsune. "Now that's
the way to start off the new year."
"I only got a little luck," reported Shinobu, who felt
a bit let down.
"I wonder if that's lucky in cards or lucky in love,"
mused Su.
"Hope that it's lucky in cards," advised Kitsune.
"You've got a better chance of winning at cards than
you do at love. Trust me, I know."
Okay. 'cheered' Su, 'said' Naru, 'grinned' Kitsune, 'reported' Shinobu,
'mused' Su, 'advised'....
You might want to experiment with sentence structure, each of these lines
follows the same formula, and it falls a little flat in the delivery.
Even reversing the order of action and speaker might help, but you could
always throw some added description (or action) to draw the reader in.
As it is, it feels like the characters are reading from a script, and
you'll want to break that up, while leaving the dialogue intact.
Or, that's what I think, at any rate. :)
Shinobu was about to reply to the older girl's comment
when she caught site of Keitaro approaching. Shinobu,
having just turned thirteen, was experiencing her
first crush with Keitaro as the unknowing recipient of
her feelings. Though terribly nervous when dealing
with these feelings Shinobu was doing the best she
could. The idea of getting to enjoy herself with him
at the New Year's festival was part of the reason
she'd come today. Since everyone seemed to be enjoying
getting their fortunes told the young girl plucked up
her courage and called out to Keitaro.
enjoy, enjoying (it's the context, more than the repetition, but I'd
reword one of those.)
Outwardly Shinobu blushed a bit and just nodded.
Inwardly she beamed.
I like this paragraph. Can't really say why, I just do. :p
As Keitaro approached where she was selling fortune
Motoko frowned. Keitaro completely failed to notice
this as he dug some money out from his pocket. "All
right, Motoko, I hope you've got a lucky one left for
me."
selling fortune -- selling fortunes
"Oh, come one, Motoko," dismissed Keitaro with a wave
of his hand. "I don't really believe in that
superstitious stuff. Drawing fortunes like this is
just meant for fun."
one -- on
"Very well," shrugged Motoko as she handed Keitaro a
slip of folded paper with a fortune written on it. "On
your own head be it."
technically, 'shrugging' (much like grinning) doesn't actually indicate
speech.
Keitaro felt a bit unnerved by the younger girl's
attitude but tried to push such thoughts from his mind
as he opened his fortune.
I'm sensing that the ripples are spreading....
Strange Luck
This will be an unusual year for you.
A new path will present itself to you.
Tread carefully for this path will lead you to either
great happiness or disaster.
Dig below the surface of things, but be careful of
when and where you dig.
Travel broadens one's horizons both mental and
emotional.
Disaster will test the strength of your heart.
Deal honesty with those around you.
Their presence will affect you greatly this year.
In matters of the heart this year is crucial for you.
Remember that the eyes of others can see what you are
blind to.
The same is also true in reverse.
Follow your heart in all things and you will be
rewarded.
Keitaro read the fortune a second time and blinked.
What the heck kind of crazy fortune is this!? he
thought.
A damn good one.
Ko, Kun, Tsui, Chin.
If you cast I-Ching. ;)
Seeing Keitaro reading his fortune Shinobu decided to
go and inquire as to what it said. It took some
courage but the young girl couldn't let this chance go
by. Shinobu headed toward Keitaro and was about to ask
about his fortune when she suddenly felt herself
grabbed.
fortune Shinobu -- fortune, Shinobu
Kitsune then batted her eyes at Keitaro. "Personally,
I think this outfit makes me look damn sexy! Don't
you?"
Hmm. A bit forward. Is she drunk?
Keitaro's face blushed pure crimson. "Uh?well?that
is?you?I think?"
Spacing... capitalization, too.
"If that's really what you want why don't you tie this
fortune to a branch on one of those trees over there,"
suggested Kitsune. "That's an old trick for getting
rid of bad fortunes, you know."
Bah. Running from it won't help.
"Really!?" exclaimed Keitaro. "It'll be good to be rid
of this silly fortune. I'm feeling more happy
already."
Keitaro, you fool!
"You should be happy," smirked Kitsune. "There are
loads of guys in this town who'd love to get their
head between my legs."
VERY forward of her.
"That you were one hell of a lucky guy," finished the
girl. Kitsune then allowed herself another mental
grin. It really should be a crime to have this much
fun. Just to make things interesting I think I'll run
a little psychological test. Now we'll find out just
what Keitaro Urashima is really made out of.
Hrm.
Keitaro nodded. "Right. I don't have a gambler's
spirit when it comes to my future happiness. The way
the fortune made it sound I'll either come out on top
or have everything go hell this year. No middle
ground. I'd rather take my chances then deal with
extremes like that."
I think he's overreacting, but superstition is superstition....
Keitaro gulped but then nodded. "Yeah, I know it
sounds silly but?I really think she's out there
somewhere. And we did promise to meet again someday."
Isn't there an extra question mark in there?
"Okay, the gal of your dreams aside, what about Tokyo
U?" continued the girl. "I know you're test scores
aren't the best, but you could probably get into a
decent second tier school if you wanted, right?"
Keitaro nodded.
you're -- your
"Then if you're already playing the long odds why not
keep this fortune?" asked Kitsune. "One thing I know
about gambling is that the people who win big are the
ones that play the long odds. If you're already doing
that why stop? Ever think that maybe finding your
dream girl and getting into Tokyo U is the happiness
and reward the fortune mentions?"
that why -- that, why
Keitaro again considered Kitsune's words for several
moments before reaching out and taking his fortune
back. "You're right, Kitsune," he said, his voice
strengthening. "I have taken a lot of risks already.
If it means I can finally be with that girl again and
get into to Tokyo U, then in the end what's one more
risk matter?"
This moment, quite honestly, deserves more drama. This is the focal point
for the change, right here -- the different fortune would mean nothing
in the long run.
Keeping it, however, (or at least being WILLING to keep it) changes
everything.
Kitsune smiled. Congratulations, Keitaro. You passed
the test. Hold on to that attitude and you just might
make those dreams come true.
Hmm.
"Good for you, Keitaro," said Kitsune happily. "See?
Not only am I sexy but I'm wise too. Just like any
good fox."
Actually, foxes are more clever than wise. :p
But this is the kind of distinction I'd expect both of this pair to miss.
"Oohh, a biter. Why doesn't it surprise me that Su's
that type?" teased Kitsune.
*snicker*
"Resistance is futile!" called Su as she gave chase.
"Sez you and the Borg!" retorted Keitaro as he ran.
Kitsune just stood back and watched in amusement. But
that amusement quickly faded as she realized that her
housemates where barreling toward the sake table with
no signs of stopping. "Stop, you two! You're gonna
wreak the drinks!"
wreak -- wreck
"Don't worry, young miss," replied the old man. "This
temple is fortunate to have a local brewery owner as a
patron. He donated all the sake we had today and said
to call him should we need more. I'll just let him
know what happened and ask that he send some more
over. However, since today is New Year's Day, I fear
that it will take several hours to get things taken
care of. But I'm sure we'll be able to get things in
order for the fireworks show tonight.
"Now if you've excuse me I'll go make that call." The
temple keeper then bowed and headed off.
I think those two paragraphs should be combined into one.
"Assuming you don't wreck anything else in the
meantime," grumbled Naru while giving Keitaro an
annoyed look. "As much fun as coming to the temple
was, I need to be getting back to study. It'd be a
good idea if you came to, Keitaro. And not just
because you need to study to, Mr. Second Year Ronin.
You also need a change of clothes. I can smell the
sake on you from over here."
came to, -- came, too,
"Uh?well," stammered Keitaro. He cast a quick glance
at the girls to try and judge what they were feeling.
Shinobu seemed focused on him and looked concerned.
Naru looked to be getting impatient. Motoko's
expression was neutral. Su wasn't even paying
attention. She was walking round Keitaro in a circle
sniffing. He did his best to ignore her. Lastly,
Kitsune was looking at him with mild interest at what
his answer would be.
Uh?well -- Uh, well
Kitsune was about to reply when Naru grabbed
Keitaro by the arm of his coat and started to lead him
any. "Come on, pervert. We need to study our
geography."
any -- away
=====
"..and Harry Potter and all his little wizard friends went straight to HELL for practicing witchcraft :: Ned Flanders
Alrighty. All in all, this is interesting, if very mellow. Good job, and
I'm curious to see more!