Sam Vilsmeier wrote:

Wai! A new AC chapter!

A bit short, but that's not too bad...

Awkward Consequences
Chapter 10a: Nice Kitty...
PsyckoSama (syp104@psu.edu)
http://www.fanfic.net/~psyckosama/


In a sing-song tone Chibi-Usa said, "To have your lover ask for your
hand while in his arms after embracing your passion for one another...
That's so great!"

Is the repetition really neccessary? Especially since it's not the last
paragraph of the preceding one, but a bit further...?

Beneath her outwardly teasing leer, Chibi-Usa envied Ranma and Hotaru.
Despite the strange goings on of late, they looked happy. Happy and in
love.

She wished she could find someone special. A handsome prince to whisk
her away... wait, scratch that. She'd had her fill of "handsome
princes". They were all arrogant pricks that wanted into her panties,
and onto her parent's throne. Most of them couldn't care less about

parent's : parents'

her. If any of them were like Pegasus or even her father, she'd
consider it, but no. They just wanted her body and political power.

Chibi-Usa's jaw dropped as Ranma's hunky body quickly shrunk and
shifted into one befitting a supermodel. So he DID change into a girl,
and one with a body that any woman would kill for! It just wasn't
fair!

It's kind of wierd to compare Onna-Ranma to a supermodel - they're
usually very tall, which Ranma-chan decidedly is not...

As soon as Diana was gone, Ranma slid down the wall with a loud sigh.
The redhead was obviously still shaken but was no longer incapacitated
with fear. Ranma's breathing calmed in a few seconds, and 'she' looked
down at 'herself'. He sighed in expiration, and chuckled morosely to

expiration : exasperation

Ikuko looked at the small indent in her wall, and at the man turned
woman. "Wha... What's going on here?"

indent : indantation

"It's a curse," replied Ranma with a sigh. "I picked it up in China.
My pop got the stupid idea to go to a cursed training ground
Jusenkyo."

missing word - "called"

"Simple," replied Ranma, "It involves wrapping the student, preferably
a young child, in fish sausage then throwing him into a pit full of
starving cats. "

Extra space.

All three women's jaws dropped at they stared in horror at Ranma. The
three women's eyes met, and it was obvious that their thoughts
mirrored one another. What kind of monster was Ranma's father? Hotaru
had known he was a complete and total idiot from Ranma description
but this... this was just monstrous! Who could do that to their own
child?!

Consider replacing monster or monstrous with something else, to avoid
the repetition.

"Ranma-kun, where was you're mother during all of this?" asked Ikuko.

you're : your

Ranma sighed. "It was a warning in big happy lettering that said 'Only
an idiot would teach someone the Neko-ken, because the student will go
insane'. Heck, that only half of it!"

that : that's

Hotaru's grip tightened even more. How could it be any worse?

Ranma, sensing her unease, pulled his army away and put it around her
in a hug, which she quickly accepted.

"How can it be any worse?" asked Chibi-Usa. It was obvious from the
haunted look in her eyes that she really didn't want him to answer
that.

"I told ya that I can't even look at one of those evil little monsters
without running away in terror, but I didn't tell ya what happens if
I'm around 'em too long..."

Ikuko sat down. It was obvious from the look of revulsion that Ranma's
story had made her very nauseous.

Consider "revulsion on her face", or "her look of revulsion"

"Ranma-kun," she interrupted, "He seriously thought that was some kind
of martial arts training?"

"Martial Arts training, Saotome Genma Stupid Style. You don't think,
you just do, and hope it doesn't blow up in your face." he said
flatly, "I learned the technique, but it wasn't what the baka-panda
expected."

Punctuation mismatch.

"Martial Arts training, Saotome Genma Stupid Style. You don't think,
you just do, and hope it doesn't blow up in your face," he said
flatly. "I learned the technique, but it wasn't what the baka-panda
expected."

"What do you mean by that?"

"As I was saying, if I'm around cats too long the technique take hold.
I kinda go berserk. I'm almost invincible, but I go crazy from the
fear, lose my mind, and start ta think and act like a cat. I have no
memory of it, but I've been told the only way ta get me to snap out of
it is to get me to fall asleep or activate my curse."

"lose my mind" is not neccessary in context.

Hotaru silently looked at her beloved and let the story of the Neko-
ken run through her mind over and over again. Hotaru's hand slowly
drifted to her belly. His father was a monster as much as any of the
enemies she'd ever faced. What kind of bastard could do that to their
own child... and if he could do something like that to his child, why
not his grandchild, her child. This went beyond child abuse. It was
just callous, sadistic cruelty...

Consider "as much a monster" in stead of "a monster as much"

He took a step away, out of his arms, and looked at him. "Ranma," said
Hotaru in a voice as one coming from a crypt. All heads turned to her.

Who took a step out of who's arms?

"Er... yeah Hotaru?" asked Ranma.

Hotaru face was quickly drained of it's anger. Oh shit... she'd just

it's : its

She looked up to him, and into his eyes. She saw a small amount of
frustration, but she could tell by how he was looking at her, that he
was with her in this. If not no, they were soon going to be a family.

"If not no" - ? Don't know what you meant, here.

[End]

Yay! My first ever real C&C! Nicely laid out, a couple of small gaffes -
including a couple of my pet peeves, like apostrophe displacement - but
on the whole, nothing major. Except its shortness, but hopefully all
that means is that the next one will take less time to arrive...
(Selfish? Me? Not...:-)




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