[FFML] Re: [Orig] Angelblade chapter 01

Dear Reader,
This is my new, generic C&C disclaimer. I've had some problems recently with authors who have gotten a little . . .personal in their
response to my C&C. Hence, the following:

1)EVERYTHING is In MY Opinion ONLY!

2) I'm commenting on the STORY. NOTHING
I say should be taken personally. My comments and criticisms are directed at:
a) story telling
b)Dramatic Tension
c)Characterization
d)Plot

3)ALL my C&C is based on the kind of things I read and write. I am telling the author what I liked or disliked and why. I C&C as if the story were going to be published in the real world, for money. I'm suggesting
changes that, IMO, would make a better story.

4)I'm not a professional editor. And even professional editors make mistakes. Different people like reading different things. NEVER
try to please everyone. Write what you like, the way you like.
BUT . . .please do not jump up and down on the critic/editor because s/he didn't love your story.

I'm giving my honest opinion, as clearly as I know how.
Perhaps you disagree with me. Perhaps I am wrong. Maybe I see something you don't, and maybe you don't care. That's fine. Fiction writing is very subjective with a lot of room for disagreement.

BUT

Please don't get personal. No sarcasm, cutting or denigrating
remarks. And no profanity. It wastes time better spent on writing.
If you think my C&C is so far off the mark, just delete it, unread, and go on to something more interesting.

I hope this prevents any further misunderstandings.

#######################################################################
My comments@@

I'm including a few links that offer better advice on writing than
I ever could.

http://www.sff.net/people/lwe/miscellaneous/advice/

http://writing.richmond.edu/writing/wweb/clarity.html

Watt-Evans "Laws of Fantasy"
http://www.sff.net/people/lwe/miscellaneous/laws.htm

@@A few preliminary comments:
You've got some good dialogue and interesting descriptions. However, your
prologue is much too long and slow. There's no hook, or rather the hook
is buried too far down in the prologue.

I'm going to do a few line by line comments:

Jeffrey Yang <bellreisa@softhome.net> wrote:


.01. - Reiya



The clouds had obscured the moonlight, leaving the city beneath shrouded 
with inky darkness. The buildings formed a jungle that reached high up 
towards the skyline, an amalgam of concrete and metal. It was already quite 
late into the night; the streets were devoid of people, the occasional 
piercing yowl of a cat being the only sign of life. Lights curved above the 
deserted sidewalk, casting pale yellow circles through the enveloping 
blackness.



@@Some interesting description, but rather awkwardly presented.

"The clouds", "The buildings", "It was" break the flow, IMO.

This is also NOT the way to HOOK the reader. There is nothing
here to grab the reader's attention. It's static and rather
prosaic. 

EXAMPLE:
  Clouds obscured the moonlight, leaving the city below
shrouded in darkness, except for the cinnamon glow from the
blood-worms infesting the heart of the city.

@@@@
NOW you've got the readers attention. NOT the only
way to do this. But, if you're going to open with a 
description of a city-scape, you've got to:
1)Be the most brilliant wordsmith since the invention
of the No.2 Pencil who can make a grocery list sound
interesting

2)You've got to write about something that the 
reader's never seen before 

3)You've got to write about something common in
an uncommon way.


A faint shuffling marked the arrival of a lonely couple, their faces weary 
as they trudged steadily down the sidewalk and towards the comforting 
bright lights of a hotel up ahead. It was perhaps a mile or so away, but to 
them it seemed to be far more. He was supporting her with one arm, their 
breaths coming raggedly from their chests, sending plumes of frost 
spiralling in the air. They had been walking for hours: an unfortunate 
side-effect of a badly-timed car problem. Just a little more, and they 
would be able to rest for the night.


@@The car is badly timed? Or the problem is badly timed?
@@@@
@@Still, very slow. Awkwardly presented.
@@@@

EXAMPLE:

  The lonely couple, wearily shuffled down the sidewalk
toward the comforting lights of a hotel.

@@@@
Your words, just with a bit of tweaking. 

Now, a little MORE tweaking. It all depends on
what you want to do.

  The old man shuffled wearily down the sidewalk,
worn sole of his footwear flapping like a clown shoe 
with each step.
@@@@

@@In this case, it's no longer a 'couple' but a 'man'
next, I'd describe the woman. You get more impact
with specific rather than general or generic examples.
@@@@


<SNIP>


He turned around and came face-to-face with a shadow that seemed borne out 
of the depths of Hell itself, a lumbering shape that was blurred and 
indistinct, outlined in blackness even darker than the surrounding night. 
Its pupiless eyes shone a piercing deep red that seemed to look directly 
into his soul, and in that moment, he realized that he was too frightened 
to move.

@@Ummmm . . .again, you're being too general in your
descriptions. And it's too static.

EXAMPLE:
It towered over him, a quick fierce shape of sharp curves
and hideous impossible angles that moved with the sound
of a thousand centipedes skittering across corn flakes. It's breath was
cold and dry and it smelled like road-kill smothered in vanilla.
@@@@

@@NOT the only way to do this. (I used "It" too much
for instance. And I'm bordering on Purple Prose)
But it helps illustrate what I'm talking about.

@@You concentrated too much on the same sort of imagery
repeated over and over: "shadow" "blackness" "darker" "night"

Also, add sound, smell, touch to your description.

You might pick an actually animal/insect/plant, then
twist the description to make your monster. A good source are books
on hunting in africa in the 18th & 19th centuries. Look especially at man-eating cats or descriptions of people being killed by rhino or croc. Natural history books on insects, dinosaurs, sharks, etc. Look at how they kill/fight, then twist that description to make your monster. COMBINE things, shark/spider or bunny/scorpion. ^_*

<SNIP>

@@About 2/3 of the way through the prologue you finally
got to the good stuff.

START as LATE into the story
as possible and END quickly. That is, start with
action, then quit when you're done with that
part of the story. It's a matter of TIMING!

ALL of the stuff you have in this story is
important, at least as back-story to help
you the author flesh out the characters.
But
1)It's too static SHOW don't tell
2)You need shorter, crisper sentences.
LONG exposition is fine for part
of the story that's introspective.
Otherwise, short and sharp is best.
3)EDIT! Cut your story by
about 1/5. That is, for every
5000 words, delete 1000.
This forces you to choose
JUST the right words, sentence
structure. Pretend that
it's going to cost you $0.25/word
to post on FFML. ^_*

The URL's I gave explain this
much better than I can. And
it's advice from published writers. ^_O
I hope this has helped.

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