On the website, this will probably show up as part six.
We're keeping the numbering simple on the site since
we've already overdone the chapter part stuff with NETTG.
Besides, it'll make the site look bigger this way. ^_-

 Indeed.

I guess I've been avoiding doing the revision on both this
and NETTG. Been tinkering with a webcomic concept and stuff.
Progress is slow, but it's very promising.

So, a quick "what's gone before." Well, ya see, Um...
It's still in the works, but basically, Ranma's met up
with Ryouga and Genma's gone to school in the guise
of Chibiusa. Read all about it at:

http://rakhal.com/florestica/ben-oliver/index.html

Any and all suggestions for improvement are quite welcome.
So, moving right along, then...

 Alrighty. Since I forgot to mention it last time, my suggestions are

just

that, and you can feel free to ignore them. :D

But if I ignored them, then that'd defeat the purpose of the
commentary, wouldn't it? ^_^

Continued from (3/?)

^_^

*Bam-whack-pow...*

 Elipseses... raaaaah!

I found that I didn't need an elipsis in this one, actually.

While the part-time shrine maiden slash martial artist thought
of ways to deal with her dilemma, Ranma opened one eye a crack and
peeked at the lesson being taught, just in case they had gotten to
the interesting part yet.

 'slash'? Why write it out in this instance?

Good point. I guess I was in a weird mood when I wrote it. (Of
course, I'm ALWAYS in a weird mood when I write my better material.)

	While the part-time shrine maiden/martial artist thought of
ways to deal with her dilemma, Ranma opened one eye a crack and
peeked at the lesson being taught, just in case they had gotten to
the interesting part yet.

Then again, perhaps it was the eyepatch and the skull and
crossbones that covered the front of his black outfit, or the way his
red-lined cape flapped in the breeze, even though the windows were
closed and the air conditioning hadn't been used in months. Whatever
the reason, it appeared as though he carried a huge load on his
shoulders; a load only he could ever possibly hope to bear.

 Hehehehe....

I've never seen Captain Harlock stuff, so I had to enlist the aid
of Jussi Nikander to get this scene written. Larry Fontenot helped
me out as well. So did a couple others.

I've had so much help on this, and yet it's been slower than
everything else I've worked on. ^_^

Harlock let out a long sigh and looked out of the window again
for a few seconds, shaking his head. "Oh, my friends," he whispered
to himself, "what a hard life this truly is..." With a sharp turn of
his head, the man focused his attention back on Ranma. "Saotome-san,
what are the merits of a True Man?"

 More elipses. I'll stop commenting on them now.

Works for me. I went back and tried to fix them. 

The raven-haired girl thought for a second. "Well, one of the
P.E. teachers isn't so bad. Son-sensei's pretty laid-back." She
paused. "Though he does like dying his hair blond a lot when his
friends drop by..."

 Ack... ack... ack....

Am I dropping too many references? Or in this case, would it be
better to tell, rather than show? ^_^

After a moment of sitting up on the branch, holding her hands
up to her mouth, she squeaked in glee and started bouncing happily
from branch to branch to gather nuts and berries.

 That was... unique.

The Squirrel-ken. Louis-Philippe Giroux went crazy a couple of times
over this. ^_^

Actually, Louis was a key element in getting the first two chapters
done right. Too bad he's so busy lately.

"Ummgh?" Usagi replied thoughtfully. Her face was the site of a
desperate Civil War reenactment, with the Federal forces of gravity
and exhaustion firmly pressing down on the side of the South. One
eyelid, caught in the battle between the Union and Confederate forces,
struggled to hold its position like a good Confederate soldier. Then
the Union made a brilliant counterattack at a critical moment, boldly
pushing south and winning the war. Slavery to the chains of
consciousness were severed all across the girl's brain and unity
was restored. "G'night. Usagi sleep now..." She slumped back down
onto her arms.

 Beautiful.

Yeah, the metaphor seemed appropriate.

 I really mean that.

Unfortunately, the story takes place in Japan, and they'd have NO
clue about the reference if they'd have heard it.

One of my Finnish prereaders wondered where the Red and the White
forces (or something to that effect) were if I was supposed to be
talking about the Civil War. ^_^

"The Civil War" isn't country-independent. But... It _should_ work
in this story. For now.

Unless we need a French Revolution reference and refer to the eyelids
as the weighted blade coming down upon a nobleman's neck. ^_^

There were probably less embarrassing ways to die, Catalystor
silently mused as the shot hit dead center on her chest, but for the
short life of her, she couldn't think of any.

 Less, or more?

More, I mean. ^_^;;

Think we've got enough rabbits in this story yet?

 Not for you.

Hopin' to hear from y'all!

 And now you have! Sorry for the lack of comments, this section felt
shorter, and very solid. Nice work!

Thanks, Brian! I appreciate it.

I'll direct reaver-renting questions to you in a private email. ^_-

----------------------
Benjamin A Oliver
boliver@U.Arizona.EDU
http://rakhal.com/florestica/ben-oliver/index.html

        "We are the Bored. Lower your shields and surrender your fics.
         We will add your standup and slapstick comedy to our own.
         Your humor will adapt to make us laugh.
         Resistance is and always has been: Futile."


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