Tabyk wrote:
Her heart pounded frantically as she ran down the alley, the
beat of pursuing footsteps a breath behind her. Taking a corner
as fast as she could she desperately looked for a place to hide
but lost the opportunity as the men rounded the corner in chase.
Again she ran, her lungs burning as her body screamed in
exhaustion and more, trying to loose them. Taking another corner
she slipped and found herself crashing headlong into a wall
before bouncing backward to fall to the ground. Rolling to her
hands and knees she tried to stand, fear giving her strength
where there was none to be found, and then she was reeling
backward into the wall once again as someone punch her full in
the face.
loose -- lose
punch -- punched
"Thought you could just leave, bitch, when there are still
customer's waiting for service?"
customer's -- customers
She cried out as she was hauled to her knees by her hair,
and then she was falling once again... the darkness finally
laying claim as her body gave up the struggle for consciousness.
Must admit, this is a VERY nice opening.
Forgotten
(part #1)
"Cherry Blossom Falls"
Due to the fact that my regular pre-readers and I are still
trying to figure out "Saigo Gumi" to our satisfaction, I haven't had
a chance to run this by them yet. And thus, more then ever, C&C
would be greatly appreciated.
Right-o. I've got C&C to reply to yet, but fair's fair, and one should at
least give as good as they get. ;)
Saber Marionette J belongs to Akahori Satoru, Negishi Hiroshi,
Kotobuki Tsukasa, Kadokawa Shoten, TV Tokyo, Bandai Visual and
Movic. This was written for entertainment purposes only.
Tabyk (tabyk@yahoo.com) (www.tabyk.net)
Ya know, my first fanfic was an SMJ fic....
At any rate, my advice and suggestions are just that. If they don't help
you, don't use 'em. If they do, use what does help you, and throw away
the rest.
The raindrops felt almost warm as they fell on her skin, all
the while her arms and legs limply swaying.
She was being carried...
This does not apply to the previous elipses, but it does to this; when
you use one to terminate a sentence, it should have four periods in it,
not three (though I think there may be allowances for dialog, I'm not
positive about that).
Darkness. Warmth. Pain.
Something soft and wet caressed her lips, and her body
eagerly tried to suck the moisture from it before the darkness
claimed her once again...
Same here. I won't bother mentioning every instance of it, though. :)
The humming...
And once more. ;)
"...I still don't like it."
But not here.
"She's shivering again, maybe another blanket..."
Here, however.
It was warm, the smell of freshly burned candles and incense
still in the air. A moment later she recognized the sounds of
soft snoring echo from another corner of the darkness, comforting
in it's own way.
it's -- its ([it's] is a contraction of [it is])
Her benefactor knelt beside her, blocking out the candles
direct light, and she was finally able to open her eyes without
pain.
candles -- candle's
Water was given to her, which she drank, and then more
broth, this time thickened with soft vegetables. She tried to
make out the features of the woman who tended her, but couldn't,
as the candles weak light only defined her outline, too weak to
do much else.
candles -- candle's
When the broth was finally gone, she tried once to speak,
and this time her voice cooperated, though weakly.
"Where am I?"
Those two lines could be combined into a single paragraph. This is far
from neccesary, however, just noting that they COULD. ;)
"That's okay, I'll help you." And with that, the woman
scooped her up like a child taking only a moment to heft her, and
then carried her to the door, which was then toed open.
child taking -- child, taking
Two instances of 'then' in this sentence. I would simply drop the first
'then'.
The woman was young, barely into womanhood, and yet still
taller then herself. She had a lanky build, though from the way
she'd been so easily carried the woman must have expertly hid her
muscle development beneath the exquisite kimono she wore. She
had long dark hair, tied back in a simple pattern, and green
eyes.
Hmm. I remember Cherry as being short. I suspect this isn't the one I
remember, however....
Slowly the heat of the water worked its way upon her body,
and the tension within her, tension that had been her constant
companion for the last couple weeks, finally drifted away.
upon -- into (upon implies only the surface)
Without even realizing it she dozed off, only to be jerked
away by the woman's, Cherry's, voice calling out to her.
away -- awake
"Are you okay?"
And those two, also, could be put into the same paragraph. Though I think
they may actually work better the way they are.
"Yay! We can have breakfast with Mr. Satoru today."
Hmm.
Slowly they made their way out of the room and up a short
flight of stairs that she'd not seen the last time. Opening the
door, she found herself having to pause a moment while squinting
her eyes, as she was greeted by the morning sun.
What door?
After being helped to the main entrance of the same house,
she watched as Cherry knocked and then opened door while crying
out, "Good morning!" Slowly she was led through the house to a
small dining room where Cherry left her. However, just as she
began to look around at the simple, and expensive, furnishings an
elderly man walked in.
room where -- room, where
and -- though (suggested)
Not sure. You may wish to reconsider the phrasing of the last line.
She looked up to an almost comical expression of
concentration on Cherry's face, before the young woman suddenly
smiled and said, "Lilly! Your name is Lilly!" Blinking she just
stared as she heard Satoru ask Cherry, "Were you picking flowers
again this morning?" and heard the woman's answering giggle.
Blinking she -- Blinking, she
She hardly noticed Cherry sitting down next to her, as she
watched the other woman slowly, almost stumbling, towards Satoru
with another breakfast tray. Eyes widening she finally
recognized the woman for what she was... a marionette.
'slowly, almost stumbling,' -- I think you're missing a 'walked' or
something from this bit. ;)
Built in the image of women, marionettes were robots
designed to help with housework and errands, at least until women
were finally reintroduced to the world by cloning back at the
beginning of the fourth century. Production of them had been
halted over a hundred years ago, and those remaining had become
far and few as spare parts became hard to come by.
far and few -- few and far between (I think)
She'd only seen one once before, and this one was in
excellent repair, it's features still carefully sculpted into the
visage of a delicate woman.
it's -- its
Turning towards them the marionette said, "Goo-d M-or-ning
Cher-e. Goo-d M-or-ning Lil-e." Then turning it slowly walked
away.
Hehe....
Another "Yay!" announcing Cherry's presence behind her, she
suddenly felt herself being picked and carried back through the
house to the front door, and through it, to be deposited in a
large cushioned armchair. A moment later and a light blanket was
tucked around her to keep the morning chill at bay.
Hmm. This is an awfully Lime-ish Cherry. Then again, I usually identify
characters by hair color, so....
With a big smile and laugh the young woman pointed across
the street and said, "I have to help Mr. and Mrs. Hiroshi with
breakfast." Then pointing a couple houses down she said, "Then I
help Mr. Tsukasa with his dishes and sweep the floor." Pointing
down the other direction she said, "Over there is Ms. Saotome. I
help her feed all the animals." And then, almost as an
afterthought, she added, "Then I go to work!"
Ah, yes... the obligitory cameo. I approve, for what that's worth. ;)
Shaking her head at the shear energy the woman displayed,
she closed her eyes, still trying to take it all in. Eventually
the warm sun lulled her to sleep, and her last waking thought
was, 'My name is Lilly.'
chear -- sheer
The elderly man paused, looking at her, before saying, "You
are in Old Town, Japoness proper." With a wave of his hand he
added, "And this is Cherry Lane, quiet likely the most peaceful
location in the entire city."
Hmm.
Fanboy senses... tingling....
She gasped as the woman landed on top of her, pinning her
arms to her side almost painfully, as Cherry exclaimed, "Yay!
You can stay here with me! And when you're all better, I can
have everyone meet you, and it'll be great!"
My, awfully forward, isn't she?
Though this is in the realm of things to make a person wonder....
And true to Satoru-san's words, Cherry did seem to know
EVERYONE. Every single person, child, animal, and even an old
favorite tree at the corner of the street. And they all knew her
as well. Also, without regard on if the individual was a human,
animal, or even a marionette, she treated them all the same.
She could only watch in amazement.
Which 'she'? Lilly has a name, at this point, so it could be used here. ;)
It was almost lunch by the time she stumbled her way back to
Cherry's place, to drop onto the futon in exhaustion of the
morning activities. Now in true awe of Cherry's energy,
especially as the woman left to now work her day job, she fell
asleep.
Two instances of 'now'. I'd drop the second one.
Smiling she left to the next room to find the triplets
crying. Shaking her head, she picked the first one up and took
her to her mother, helping the both of them settle in, before
going back for the next.
Smiling she -- Smiling, she
About ten minutes after that, Mrs. Kisawa and an older
gentleman entered the house, and Lilly found herself meeting Dr.
Ishikawa for the first time. About Satoru-san's age, the man had
a pleasant smile on his face, but turned professional upon seeing
Hiroshi's ankle.
I was always under the impression that 'Hiroshi' was a first name, (and
generally a man's name, at that) but now that I think of it those kinds
of things could easily be forgotten and shuffled about after that much time.
At any rate, I think you meant Mrs. Hiroshi instead of just 'Hiroshi'?
After a quick visual inspection and gently moving it, and
still getting gasps of pain from Mrs. Hiroshi, he announced "Not
as bad as it could have been." Standing up and stretching his
back he then said, "It's not broken, only badly sprained. You
need to stay off of it for at least a week, though. I'll bring
by some medicine later today to help with the swelling."
announced "Not -- announced, "Not
But it never hit her. She stood there, mouth agape, as
Cherry straddled her body with her legs and then simply CAUGHT
the several tons of burning wood and brick, tossing it aside
afterward. Hearing another cry from within the building, Cherry
then jumped straight into the burning whole that broken building
now had.
whole -- hole
Shooting out of the smoke Cherry appeared, to land 30 feet
before and hand off a young boy who was coughing horribly. Then
turning, she leaped straight up into the burning building once
again.
30 feet -- thirty feet away (Looks like a word is missing, and I suggest
spelling out numbers less than a hundred. Not a rule, merely a
suggestion. ;)
She watched as Cherry's eyes suddenly flared to life with a
bright greenish glow, and with a yell the young woman slammed her
open hands against the building in an effort to stop it's fall.
it's -- its
Bye then, several men had stretched a fishing net out
between them and started yelling, and a moment after that the man
that Cherry had taken with her jumped out, trying to hold an
elderly person against him as he fell into the waiting net.
Bye -- by
After the rough landing, everyone began pulling back and
away from the now raging building, all the while with Cherry
acting as it's last support, her body now surrounded in an aura
of power that matched her eyes.
it's -- its
Bolting upward she took a couple steps away from the two
women, as confusion and fear suddenly flared within her. Looking
at one, and then the other, she almost pleaded, "What happened?
How... who... I saw... Cherry... What's going on here?!"
These elipses are being used correctly (I believe). Except for the last
one. It should have four periods in it, instead of three. :p
As Rei slowly walked out, Anna turned towards her and just
said, "Go with her, Lilly. Hayashi will explain, better then
anyone else." When she hesitated, Nene added in, "Please."
then -- yhan
Looking from her to Rei the elderly man finally said, "You
can go home now, Rei. I'll take Lilly inside." Watching as the
marionette walked away, she turned backs towards the one person
whom she knew without a doubt disliked her, only to see him
motion her in.
backs -- back
And yet... there was Kazia-kun...
Hmm? A sudden shift from 'Mr.' to '-kun'?
Settling down Cherry then asked, "What's wrong Lilly? Are
you felling okay?"
felling -- feeling
"He's... he's dead Cherry. He died in the war."
dead Cherry -- dead, Cherry
The second she was gone, Lilly found herself the target of a
look that conveyed nothing but pure hatred as the Satoru-san
whispered, "Damn you, damn you to hell. You've killed her."
'the Satoru-san'?
Suddenly the whole house shook, and Lilly watched as Cherry
literally exploded from the side of the building to land on the
Hiroshi's rooftop across the street, only to immediately leap
again.
And then she was gone.
Assuming she's alone, which more likely than not, she isn't.
But... this will be interesting indeed.
All in all, very nice. I'm impressed, and would like to read more. Good work!