Dear Reader,
This is my new, generic C&C disclaimer.
I've had some problems recently with authors who have gotten a little . . .personal in their response to my C&C. Hence, the following:

1)EVERYTHING is In MY Opinion ONLY!

2) I'm commenting on the STORY. NOTHING
I say should be taken personally.  My commentsand criticisms are directed at:
a) story telling
b)Dramatic Tension
c)Characterization
d)Plot

3)ALL my C&C is based on the kind of things I read and write. I am telling the author what I liked or disliked and why. I C&C as if the story were going to be published in the real world, for money. I'm suggesting
changes that, IMO, would make a better story.

4)I'm not a professional editor. And even professional editors make mistakes.  Different people like reading different things. NEVER
try to please everyone. Write what you like, the way you like.
BUT . . .please do not jump up and down on the critic/editor because s/he didn't love your story. I'm giving my honest opinion, as clearly as I know how.
Perhaps you disagree with me. Perhaps I am wrong. Maybe I see something you don't, and maybe you don't care. That's fine.  Fiction writing is very subjective with a lot of room for disagreement.

I'll be glad to discuss issues regarding writing and storytelling at length. 

BUT

Please don't get personal. No sarcasm, cutting or denigrating
remarks. And no profanity. It wastes time better spent on writing.
If you think my C&C is so far off the mark, just delete it, unread, and go on to something  more interesting.

I hope this prevents any further misunderstandings.

#######################################################################


My comments@@
Interesting plot.
Nice action story in the style of  H.R. Haggard or
perhaps one of the old pulp magazines.
Basic problem? 
You're TOO flowery & too formal
in your language.


<SNIP>

Prologue

   Three days after his defeat Herb's conquerors returned, marching into the bleak cell beneath the Musk Citadel they imprisoned him in and seizing him. Herb fought back, gasping and growling, but his efforts were feeble. He moved sluggishly, as if lead had replaced the marrow in his bones; his sinews felt like wet, rotting string. He flailed at his tormentors ineffectually, not bothering to attempt to use the powers that were his 
birthright, for he could not access them. He could still sense the energy ambient to the natural world, still see it flow and ebb in scintillating eddies that enmeshed the world in an infinitely intricate lattice of ki, but he could not tap it. It was as if he were sheathed in glass, capable of seeing all but of touching nothing. It maddened him to have a means of 
escape and vengeance all around him but being unable to wield it. Herb howled in rage; around his neck the queer white rosary grew heavy. 

@@ This is "Purple Prose". Tighten it up and reduce the number of adjectives.

 OK, I'm going to re-write. This ONLY to illustrate what
I'm talking about:


     Three days after his defeat, Herb, Prince of the Musk was dragged from a cell, deepbeneath his former citadel. He fought the cold inhuman hands that held him, but his efforts were feeble, sluggish.


@@@@
<SNIP>

@@It's interesting and well developed.
However, IMO, it's too wordy and has too many 
adjectives. Purple Prose! Also, considering that everyone
is fighting for their lives or being crucified, the language
is too good! Frankly I'd expect at least one or two
contractions from someone in the middle of the
fall of their civilization. All of these characters
sound the same, and they all sound too perfect.

My ONLY suggestion is that you EDIT! Cut the prologue
by at least 40%. This will give you a much tighter, faster
paced narrative and sharper dialogue.

I like what you've done with the storyline. Interesting
premise. The whole thing reminds me a little of Dunsany
or Haggard in terms of plot. 



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